Walking Foward

Today seemed to bring a lot of news of deaths. In between trying to get phpMyAdmin running I updated the merit list for Thursday’s service with the names that kept arriving in my email today.

I was happy that today brought the lovely news the George Takei finally was able to marry his partner of many years. It has been so beautiful to read news of so many people able to wed legally, even though at times there is great sadness mixed with the joy. It continues to astound me that people choose to be so narrow in their religion as to deny marriage to people, how this isn’t so simple.

And then there’s me. Married to a man, just what many of those same religious people would pray to come into my life. That I be “straightened” out by the love a good man. Only that isn’t what happened at all. A good, even if flawed man, could see immediately I wasn’t straight, wasn’t even truly bisexual. He said to me tonight that one of the first times he really watched me look at a woman he knew I was a lesbian.

But here I am, I love my best friend but we can no longer ignore the (lesbian) elephant in the room. It is not the only reason he and I have drifted apart these past 4+ years, but my experience with it has changed and made it obvious the ways in which I’ve still be playing along. Maybe this time I’ve been doing it, working around my unhappiness, not because I’m tired of being yelled at. Still, doing it because I don’t want to hurt someone isn’t right either.

I have little hope that the people who currently would deny the right to marry to gay and lesbian couples would stretch even further to not judge me and my relationships. A lesbian married to a man in love with a woman. In a relationship with them both. Our middle way, but to the view of most people it was a path far out on the fringes. Regardless of that, I have to judge the way for me.

More people from my sangha finding me on Facebook. I am again reminded that I am not ashamed of my choices nor what I’ve written about, however, I am aware of the need to approach this with care. I never really entertained the idea that it would just be college friends, current friends (many in San Francisco) who I enjoy keeping up with. I am so glad to have spoken to my teacher some weeks ago now as well as speaking to the head of our community here in Portland. I am considering what steps I should take. Perhaps an email acknowledging that questions may arise and that I welcome them? Perhaps meeting with the Harmony Committee as was suggested by RP, progressing from there.

The biggest change for the house today was Bodhi finding a new home with a friend of AM’s, J. This is a big relief and yet sad too. Bodhi was just too big for either AM or I with our physical limitations, he easily knocked AM off his feet several times. Because of it AM has felt himself growing into his depression. To top it off, Bodhi has just been unhappy. He loves us, but he loves being around other dogs more and has seemed to suffer being away from the kennel environment because of it.

J really loves big, playful, boisterous dogs. He stood there playing with a rope with Bodhi for several minutes, both of them looked utterly thrilled. He has a dog about the same size, but about 16 years old. J has apparently been quite at a loss at his dog’s aging, no longer being able to play and get around as well. He’s wanted to get another dog for some time now. It really seems to be a good fit.

It inevitably leaves me thinking of Juno, my last dog, an Alaskan/Siberian husky mix that was all energy. I have never been able to shake the feeling like I did the wrong thing by her and in the end she disappeared into the night, never to be seen again. I wasn’t even there and, during a moment of pre-teen anger, DW once told me it was all my fault since Juno ran away clearly trying to find me. No matter how often I tell myself it wasn’t my fault it is hard to really let this go.

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