19 May 2009 1 Comment
First of all… I am feeling sad, cranky, and questioning myself.
Good thing dinner with CK was nice.
I had a good day back in the office after a couple of weeks – and that’s after having been in only one day in three weeks before getting bronchitis. It was nice to reconnect with co-workers, but the day was filled with sad news and my throat hurt by then end of the day.
I’m hoping it is because I’ve been talking so much more.
Then home via Tri-Met. Kind of nice sitting on the bus. Instead of reading on the way home* I put my book away and did Metta practice for everyone instead. I wasn’t able to take part in a Dharma-brother’s “Zen Flash Mob” idea this past Sunday since I was teaching at the time, so it was nice to do this as my evening commute meditation.
A quick change and off to Dishman for my Tuesday class.
And another confrontation with “Angry Tai Chi Man”.
I’ve been teaching a class at 5:45, which was moved to 6PM at the request of students, for about a year now. A month ago I opened the door to my classroom to discover a Tai Chi class underway.
Uhhh…. There went my precious pre-class minutes to get myself set up to teach!
I checked in with the site director who informed me that he’d scheduled the class to end at 5:50, a short 10 minutes before my class started. Pretty tight since students really like to have time to ask questions, gather belongings, etc. He suggested I chat with the other teacher about the close time commitments.
I gathered my courage (I hate confrontation) and let the Tai Chi teacher the next week know about the close scheduling. At that time one of her students, who was listening in despite my efforts to take the other teacher aside and explain things, suddenly jumped in and confronted me angrily, “So what are you saying? To get out?“
It left me feeling anxious and upset the rest of the evening. I had tried to explain to him that I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful and that I was offering to start my class even later, just that there was a tight time commitment and it would be most helpful if the Tai Chi class ended on time.
I missed teaching last week and was grateful for it.
This week I waited until 5:55 and went in with my stuff. My mat, very unfortunately, landed on the floor with a thud having slipped from my hand as I went to unroll it (Natural latex, surprisingly heavy). I quietly walked along the edge of the room to hang up my jacket and open the closet where the props are stored.
The Tai Chi class ended and the same student as a few weeks prior rounded upon me immediately in anger with phrases like, How dare I enter their room, obviously projecting my anger at them? How little respect I showed.
He parted the room with, “How can you call yourself any kind of yoga teacher?”
The worst part?
I couldn’t immediately curl up into a little ball around the wound, the hurt of this anger. No, two new students were waiting for me to teach them. Ugh.
After quickly introducing myself I slipped outside to apologize to the Tai Chi teacher for interrupting her class with the heavy “Thud” of my clumsily dropped mat. I confirmed with her, “You class ends at 5:50, right?”
“No, 5:55.” she answered.
“Oh, the program director told me 5:50!” I said back in surprise.
For weeks I have felt the chafe of irritation that this teacher would consistently end her class 5 minutes late! I felt the irritation turn instead for the activity director who made this ill-timed planing decision without informing either of the teachers involved! Then I took a deep breath.
I left a note at the front desk to tell any students who ask that my class will now start at 6:10, instead of 6PM. This gives ample transition times between the classes and hopefully will mean I may get to avoid another interaction with Angry Tai Chi Man. In addition to offering Metta for my students, the memory of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, and all beings, I tried to offer Metta for the Tai Chi class, teacher, and especially Angry Tai Chi Man.
I forgot about myself. I have a habit, generally considered to be unhelpful, of forgetting myself.
Then I went home and broke one of our new dishes. Admittedly kind of cheap, but I still felt hugely bad about it, growing more and more upset with myself.
After all, I had picked out said cheap dinnerware and I had broken it by microwaving it.
The voice of my inner critic, which had already grown strong stewing over the words about my worthiness of being a yoga teacher, stomped in an angry tantrum all over my heart and I started crying. CK, who had been trying to read me a proposal request, was a little surprised at my upset over a dish. I admitted that the interaction with the Tai Chi student had really hurt and I hadn’t really been able to acknowledge it because students were right there.
She just hugged me an said she was sorry I had to deal with a jerk.
I didn’t feel awful to cry, not that if felt exactly good, but it felt OK. Not as crushing, overwhelming, or anxious feeling as crying usually feels. I just cried a little, with her comforting me, then got back to finishing up dinner.
We’ll see how next week goes. Honestly, I’m hoping to miss Angry Tai Chi Man entirely!
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