Comments on: A Year with Mom

By: sherri

sherri — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 05:07:51 +0000

Oh Sammo, I’m both so grateful and so sad to see your words. CK commented on your having that insight so many years ago. Just more chipping away at my hope that it wasn’t that bad. Love you very much.

By: sherri

sherri — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 05:06:46 +0000

Thank you, Amy. It has been a monumental level of effort the past couple of years.

By: sherri

sherri — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 05:05:30 +0000

AJ, thank you for sharing your experience and sharing the insight from your therapist. Honestly, finally writing this openly about Mom has made space for others to share their own experiences. It is helping me feel like I’m some lone, solitary aberration of a daughter.

That advice is a good thing to reflect upon, I know there’s a pretty vast depth of unmet needs in my history.

By: sherri

sherri — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 05:03:12 +0000

Thank you so much, Jacinta. I am trying to keep a hold of the success of stabilizing her health with CK’s help. The grief this past year has brought has just made it hard to feel celebratory about this particular success. Mom resents this success, which also clouds it. I’m mindful that once we’ve moved onto a new place, it may be easier to actually rest in a sense of accomplishment over all we’ve done.

By: sammo

sammo — Mon, 30 Sep 2013 21:08:34 +0000

Hugs. I remember you having many of the same kind of issues with her when you were younger. It confused me that she never seemed to be on your side.
We had problems with my Grandmother being abusive to Mommo when she (Mommo) was providing hospice care. Some people are not capable of being loving and caring about how their behavior affects others. You did your best to keep her healthy and happy . Now it is time to take care of yourself and CK.

Sammo

By: amy

amy — Mon, 30 Sep 2013 07:51:43 +0000

Sorry to hear you are going through particularly tough times. I hope things feel better soon. I know both you and ck have been trying so hard to make an unworkable situation work.

By: AJ

AJ — Mon, 30 Sep 2013 01:34:56 +0000

Wow, what a journey you & Christie have been experiencing! Thanks for sharing your story, Shari. Actually, you could have been talking about the relationships between many daughters and our mothers. A wise therapist once told me that my need for mom’s approval and demonstration of love were “frozen needs”. These needs are frozen in time from my childhood. They were needs that cannot be and were not ever fulfilled.
You’ve done your best; you’ve been a good daughter. Now it’s time to cut your losses. You and Christie deserve the opportunity to lovingly nurture yourselves and each other.
Best!
AJ

By: Jacinta

Jacinta — Mon, 30 Sep 2013 00:29:41 +0000

You took on an immense challenge, and you succeeded. Maybe not the success you were looking for, but success none the less. You’ve improved her health, given her time and helped her be more stable. You’ve prevented more falls and no doubt other medical disasters. Maybe you can’t realize the dream you had of finally having a reasonable and friendly adult relationship with her, but you can say with confidence that you’ve done your best. If she enters a form of full time care now, at least she does so from a better position of health and on a more sensible drugs regime and that’s because of the hard work you’ve put in.

Embrace and celebrate those achievements. Let go, when you can, the heartache of goals not met. Remember that people, even parents, are responsible for their own choices. Be glad too, that you did not learn the sad lesson of only connecting to others in misery.

All of my best to you and CK. Much love and admiration. You’ve done amazing things and you should be proud of yourselves regardless of what comes next.

By: sherri

sherri — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 20:31:25 +0000

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and share your experience. Now you know that I have a little personal experience with that whole “self-rescuing princess” mindset. It is what I’ve needed to do my whole life.

Thanks also for calling out that very unclear bit about the Ativan. I think I was trying to rewrite that around midnight today. I’ve updated that area quite a lot.

Just thank you so much.

By: Merilyn Gottlieb

Merilyn Gottlieb — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 20:14:26 +0000

Thank you for both writing this and sharing it. I decided to turn off Dr. Phil and read this first, even though I am very tired today, as I thought it was important.

As you know, I also grew up in an abusive family (emotional abuse/violence etc coming from my grandparents and my parents. the etc refers to alchoholism further back in the family history). There are also mental health issues in my family. My mother loved her children but was caught in an intergenerational cycle of abuse and then died from breast cancer when I was almost 19. Although she loved her children and we knew that, she did a lot of damage. She told me she had to save the other children in the family because I could not be saved. Thus my need, as you pointed out, to learn how to be “a self-rescuing princess.” I no longer remember her at all and that bothers me. Maybe my attempt to erase my past worked too well.

I have a few observations about what you wrote-

1. I was treated by a mind/body dr who also does addiction medicine. It seems to me that your mother really needs to be off of the oxycodone completely. but I am not recommending you do this. I am recommending she live elsewhere. as soon as possible.

2. re her denying things-people who have these kinds of issues are going to lie. that is just the way it is.

3. Your mother can’t demand respect. She either commands it. or she doesn’t. based on how she treats you. and how can she demand that you respect her when she does not respect you? and respect has to be earned. I don’t believe in the religious command to “honor your father and mother’ if they have been abusive. I think you should treat them with common decency, yes. But respect them if they haven’t earned it and don’t deserve it? no.

4. What you are dealing with is similar to issues I have with my sister’s family. I lived there at one point after I ended up homeless fighting my disability case. But I had to leave, as it was unhealthy for me to be there.

5. I have gone to both adult children of alcoholic (or dysfunctional families) 12 step meetings and codependents anonymous 12 step meetings. This is something like that might benefit you. I could help you find a meeting and/or go with you, if that is something you feel would be helpful. You need to know that you didn’t cause this and you can’t cure it. or control or change your mother. regardless of how much you might want to.

6. You wrote-“We knew that with some oversight with medication and meals, and some company, that she would stabilize”
I think you had hoped that would include emotionally, that she would stop being abusive. Unfortunately, that is not the way it works.

7. I give CK credit for helping with all of this. especially the diabetes management.

8. you wrote “I’ve got her to stop taking Ativan too since most of the stresses that had given her last physician cause to prescribe it.” (What is missing from this sentence?)

9. Your mother may never take any responsibility for her behavior. and if you want to be emotionally healthy, you are going to have to find a way to accept that. My father is still alive so I still deal with these issues, but my mother and grandparents have died so no longer have the option to ever take responsibility for anything they did.

10. You can’t fix this. She needs to be living elsewhere. But you can work on the issues you inevitably have as a result of growing up with and still dealing with your mother. and you can work on how it has affected your relationship with CK and your other relationships.

I hope this helps.
Here’s a hug for you and CK.
Merilyn