Misdirected Anger
I’ve struggled the past few days with my Inner Jerk, “Whinnie” is my pet name for her. This particular mind projection is hyper-critical of anything I try to do. It also is certain I need to do it all. I’m never able to do enough to satisfy this energy and what I do accomplish is either barely acceptable, at best, or so terrible I should feel ashamed.
Then I feel like I can’t do anything and, at the same time, I need to do everything.
It’s so tedious. Self-directed anger is a short trip into depression, so I’m trying to work through it.
Today wasn’t helped by spilling the dogs’ supplement all over, into the fridge to start my day! This made me late starting my class. I also hurt my thumb on my right hand trying to play with Bertie. Obie was extra demanding about food all day and broke a jar of salad dressing is made for dinner!
All of this just felt so defeating, waking up the feeling like I failed yesterday because I couldn’t get the takeout I’d planned for.
It occurred to me, when CK was asking how to help get me out of this really negative feedback loop, that I'm feeling rather about the world again. Still.
I don't feel like there's anything I can do to help the world. Turning the rather inward gives the illusion that I have the power to fix the rage. I'm in control!!
Except, I'm so not! "Whinnie" is driving me with this energy, "You must do everything! Why are you so terrible?! You can't do anything!"
I made a comic today and will add it later. It's downstairs and I'm trying to get to bedtime yoga. I was finishing it up when Obie broke the jar, so I didn't photograph it.
I'm adding a kitten placeholder photo from yesterday.
"Whinnie" thinks I'm really lazy for not going downstairs to take the picture of my comic. Sure thought the comic sucked too. She also thinks I'm bad at yoga and my Practice is lacking.
"Why do I sleep when I need to do more?!", she asks.
Here's that kitten again since I fixed the comic!
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