Throwing Punches
I'm enjoying the boxing game even more at I get more combos! I found I can turn the background music pretty much off and that's helping. I did some later tonight, hopefully I didn't wake up CK.
I feel like I'm being frivolous walking briskly while reading and while boxing, it's a game console after all. I'm trying to remind myself that these things, and bowling with CK, are all about more variety of movement for our health. Increasing my heart rate is good for me.
Those is as important as dishes. I'm going to keep reminding myself this until I believe it.
There's another post about learning to hit when it was so unsafe for me to ever consider using my fists to protect myself.
My Needs
Still trying to convince my critical self that I deserve rest, movement that isn't a household task, make at, and play on my own.
It is when I center myself that I get stuck. I don't put my own needs first on the list. I was trained not to and was still told I was selfish when I would try to do my own thing.
I then had spouses who took advantage of this. Which further pushed me into the habit of not caring for myself.
CK actively appreciates that I put her first, but also reminds me that I have to take care of me. We've lived through my not taking care of myself.
I'm not yet ready to say, "Me first!", but I'm accepting I need to be in the top 3.
We've been playing a bowling game! Exploring more things we can do at home together with more movement! CK ordered a set of controller for me, they won't get here until next month because I'm waiting for a set that are purple and orange!
Cardio & Cholesterol
For most of my adult life I've been chasing a lower cholesterol number. For over a decade following a vegan diet and doing yoga has done the trick. Now at 50 it's not working so well. My doctor tested my blood at the beginning of the year and the numbers were high.
This month she tested again, an expanded panel on lipids, and the numbers are still high. Better than January, after months of student cookie gifts, donuts, and fried potatoes of all kinds. We hoped we'd see a significant change since the pandemic has kept us from eating out as much and I don't see students anymore.
The numbers did improve, but not as much as we'd hoped. Also not as much as expected, given my diet. I am not fat free and do get a fair bit of saturated fat from things like nuts, avocados, coconut milk in stuff, chips, and chocolate. Even then, I don't eat those things daily or excessively.
My doctor said she's wondering about a genetic issue.
I really don't want to have to go on a long search for a statin that doesn't cause joint pain, something I already live with, and doesn't cause brain fog. Something I also live with since C-PTSD causes me enough Trauma Brain fog already.
Today I sent my doctor some more family history, my concerns about statins, and a couple of questions of things I haven't done yet. The big one question I have is around exercise that raises my heart rate. The yoga I do has helped reduce my cortisol levels, but it doesn't really get my heart rate up.
My therapist and I discussed this too, I noted that in these pandemic days the only way my heart rate is getting up there is rage. While this is a good joke, we both agreed that some amount of time each day with my heart rate up will help with the rage and anxiety I'm experiencing, even if it doesn't help my LDL cholesterol!
I jumped right into it after that discussion. The past couple of nights I've done a very brisk, twenty minute walk on the treadmill. Today I also explored the Fitness Boxing game on the Switch, it's got a 3 day trial. I was surprised to find I really enjoy the boxing, so we're going to buy it and more controllers so we can both play it together.
I'm not actually getting my heart rate up to true "cardio" range, but high enough that I'm sweating and a little winded. Our treadmill gives some heart rate details, so I know I'm not staying up very high. My asthma doesn't do great at a high rate, it never has. I mentioned all this to my doctor in my letter today and asked if I have to be at a high burn for a long time to make any difference or is just getting it up higher for 20-30 minutes a day enough to potentially help?
I got to sleep faster last night. Tonight my mind's going fast, so I'm just writing this all out on my laptop to get it out! Now onto a little down dog and meditation.
Anger and Shame
Today we had a surreal experience. Our doctor drew blood from each of us from the car, with our arm stuck out the window.
A whole bunch of tests for CK and a more extensive lipids panel for me since my cholesterol was a little high this past winter.
I'm trying hard not to obsess over it.
On the drive home I told CK about getting stuck in my anger at my peer. She's had her own "nemesis" experiences, so she really gets it.
When I shared how I'm feeling a lot of shame because it's anger about yoga stuff, she said the best thing.
"Never be ashamed of your anger!"
I was floored and got all weepy and needed hugs.
My session this week looked at how I learned very quickly to compartmentalize unacceptable emotions. Anger was near the to of the list of emotions I was forbidden from expressing. When I feel angry, I always feel shame.
She then suggested I have a more restful day, that it was OK to rest today and play video games even if I want to do that tomorrow too.
Everybody Mask
Statewide mandate came out today that everyone, everywhere across Oregon must wear masks. There's a lot of anger. I'm sure there must be others, like us, who are relived.
Saw my doctor online today. We backed off the plan to begin tapering off my antidepressant medication. 2020 is not the year to change that since I'm having days where it feels physically difficult to move.
Aside from bouts of depression and anxiety in response to the times were living in, my mental health feels better. My health is better than it has been in a long while; sheltering in place has curative powers.
Incremental Progress
Teaching was slightly earlier today. Trying to work on things. My brain functions in fits and starts, I get a a few emails answered and then I go to therapy and I'm done for a day or two.
This memory from age 4 isn't quite ready to integrate. Some details slipped in again today, one sad thing that provided more insight into my lifelong insomnia. Another glimpse of me in the woods, alone, soothing myself. I was tremendously resourceful and resilient as a child.
I still am.
Today I made the first of a few special dinners for CK's birthday tomorrow. Something light and cool for the very summery, hot day we had. I shared her birthday wish with folks on Facebook and one of her college friends immediately got in touch.
Toxic Women
My peer wrote a passive-aggressive post what're she doesn't name me, but shames me. She uses language my Mother used. She lies in her framing.
I also told off people posting misinformation anchor wearing masks. Another, different white yoga teacher.
CK helped ground me past the triggering language. I've got a lot to unpack about the way white women use shame and manipulate to make themselves always look like the virtuous one.
In response to this I submitted two proposals to present at an online yoga therapy summit.
Telling
I went to the dentist and he cleaned my teeth toast and I didn't cry before, during, or after!
I got to practice telling a new care provider at the practice how my anxiety is heightened at the dentist due to intersection of multiple traumas. She was awesome about it and so was my young, less experienced dentist. Again.
It will never be easy revealing trauma history. I am learning that sharing it can be helpful. I'm really touched at the consistent patience I'm down. I never am made to feel like I'm overreacting.
Over 1000 people lay down on the Burnside Bridge this evening. I gave advice to a protestor on using a neti pot to help recovery from tear gas. Students asked me to facilitate a discussion on, essentially, how to be better white people.
Worthy/Unworthy
Had a friend tell me today they had scheduled the whole day around a call with me.
They said something along the lines of, “Tell that to your sense of unworthiness!”
In response I felt good about for a short while but the rest of the night I kept catching myself in moments of self-loathing about my body, my ability to keep house, about past actions I regret.
I know it isn’t really me, it’s the trauma and the pandemic, but the work to keep reminding myself that I’m safe feels just exhausting today.
So Tired
The CDC website doesn't yet report 100,000 deaths from COVID19, but that's only because numbers are taking time to come in after the Memorial Day weekend. We're already there.
We watched How to Survive a Plague tonight. It was both uplifting to see what the work of activists accomplished. Sad because as we're watching it the current time feel even worse than during the AIDS epidemic.
It reminded of the anger and grief I felt then. How much deeper, stronger, hotter both those emotions are right now. We're at a number of people dead in this country in a matter of months that took AIDS years.
I'm just exhausted by it all. I needed a nap today and yesterday, I'm reminding myself I went to therapy yesterday and it really sucks energy out of me. Trauma sessions are always intense and all the grief, anger, and fear right now, with the related exhaustion, is a normal response to these pandemic days.