Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

11Aug/200

Breakfast

I most often wake up a little nauseous. My pain level is higher on the morning and I'm often congested from allergies. This makes breakfast pretty undesirable.

By the time by body decides food is acceptable I usually needed to be commuting. I'm not really a morning person and have always found the, "just wake up earlier!", camp of people to be infuriating. My time going to retreats has taught me this doesn't actually help. I'm just nauseous for a longer time.

When I was commuting I'd have a protein bar. Pandemic days have found me struggling with food being unappetizing. Clif bars especially so.

Rather than find something new, I realized I was just fasting. I'd go 14-16 gifts without eating. I'd have tea with a lot of soy milk, butt that's it.

Given my somewhat disordered eating throughout my life, I've fallen back into restricting. My blood tests were playing into it too.

I'd just see all the things needing attention and start, ignoring my body because I'm very good at it.

When you grow up feeling like you're worthless, it's easy to ignore your own needs, your body's needs. When you're consistently praised for the shape of your body, that ignoring becomes a superpower.