3Dec/080
Comfortable
The shorter days and decreasing temperature are getting to me. It isn't even 9PM yet and I feel tired out already. I feel sleepy and achy much of the time. I was trying to remind myself that this time of year I always start to feel worse. I believe this is what has been feeding my feeling of not being able to be active enough to co-parent with CK.
It was the first winter, sitting cold in the zendo, that I drifted away from my Zen community. It would be well past spring before I finally went back, getting over my guilty feelings for having been away for so long. The cold leaves me feeling tight, pulled in around myself even more so than my anxiety does.
I was so grateful for the massage I had this afternoon. There had been a little confusion around time, but BM saw me an hour later than I'd written down. I live very close by her, so it made it possible. She quickly threw a heated towel over me when I lay down, helping heat my tight muscles while she worked on releasing them.
While working on my back she moved over a spot, just about at the second thoracic vertebra, and I felt a surge of anxiety. When IW has worked on my trigger points I've had emotions come up, but not usually during a massage. She asked if it was too much and I found it wasn't, I was merely surprised to find it lurking there. It felt like all my fear about aging, arthritis, and the leftover unsteadiness of having a physical exam on Monday. The spot seemed to stand up off my back for several minutes, like a cat who's fur has been pet backwards, until lengthening out again.
I got to CK's afterwards and she was in middle of finishing up dinner. It smelled wonderful and felt so nice to walk into the welcoming warmth of the flat. She needed to finish up some work so I soaked in a tub of hot water and Epsom salts, which has helped further the effects of the massage.
It has been a quiet night. I haven't felt like watching anything tonight. We folded laundry, I updated the merit list to take to the Dharma center tomorrow, CK is watching tutorials. I'm sitting in my pajamas writing, yawning hugely now and again, and am aware of feeling comfortable with her. Not that I can't immediately touch the deep passion I feel for her, but this too is beautiful and sweet It just feels companionable, warm and a nice sample of things that will only become more of our life together.
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