Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

12Aug/200

Asking for Money

A task I am working at, so slowly, is getting a working budget together and keeping on top of the household checking account. This involves telling CK how much money to move over.

This doesn't sound at all like a big deal when I write it down. My brain thinks this is a very big deal. For the longest time I really couldn't ask, which put a lot of burden on CK to constantly have to figure out how much would cover things, on top of working a very mentally taxing job.

Today I planned to go to Costco to pick up some things, like paper products, we were starting to run low on after I'd gone in March. We also planned to invest in a Foodsaver, which they had on with a rebate deal. It was going to be an expensive trip, we planned for it.

Then I added up forthcoming bills, the money for the trip today, etc. I then texted CK the number I hoped would take us through the rest of the month.

All the while I kept feeling dread. There's all this somatic static when I'm doing these tasks. There's this fear that I'll be humiliated for needing money, for asking for too much, for being greedy.

It wasn't as hard this time after integrating the memories around being homeless at age 4 and shamed for it by my family. This is the subbasement, as it were, of shame around money for me. There have been incidents over the years that connect back to this wound, especially during my first marriage, but now that it's integrated I'm hoping all of those will loose their teeth.

It is getting easier each time I do this. CK responds with a quick, "ok", and I fret that it means she's irritated, but then she'll respond a few minutes later with a screenshot of the money moved. Later, when she's done working, she'll thank me for helping her stay on top of it.

I remind myself each time I do this again that we've had several iterations of the above routine. I ask, she responds that she got the ask, she does the transfer, and thanks me.

Eventually my Trauma Brain will trust that this is really how it works and will spare me the feeling of dread. Not quite yet though.

10Aug/200

Headache Day

It was with me all day. Aching, throbbing behind my ears. Temple spikes. Sinus aches. It occurred to me by the afternoon that I had both a tension and sinus headaches.

Ibuprofen and a nap didn't help much. Hoping tomorrow is better.

I'm grateful we're getting takeout. I'm feeling a little extravagant this past week, but I'm glad I got wok bowls for us.

9Aug/200

Stay or Go

During my doctor's appointment she confirmed what I'd believed:

I am high risk for COVID.

CK is VERY high risk. Our physician said to me, "CK can't get this. I don't think she'd die, but it would be very bad."

It's good to just have it out and clear. I feel justified in all my caution and my willingness to set boundaries with people.

I go out, with lots of precautions. She stays home unless she needs to be out.

Today we had our first physically distant visitors. Christie's sister and her two partners stopped by. They were all nearby, having hiked at a nearby park. I set up folding chairs in the driveway. We showed off the veggie garden.

1Aug/200

Hello August

My birthday month has begun, I’ll be 51 towards the end of the month. A number that feels weird, I never thought about being this age. Part of me just couldn’t visualize it, perhaps even doubted I’d live this long.

I’m planning some days off, maybe we’ll even drive to the beach on one of those days. Maybe we’ll just have a picnic in the yard.

Given that we’re back to 1000+ deaths a day from COVID-19, we might not want to chance driving far.

We’ve already wondered once or twice if this will be the year no one comes for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Meanwhile the ghouls running the country continue to try and destroy healthcare and the postal service because people need to vote by mail.

I’m grateful for more carrots and cucumbers from our garden. Especially carrots that look like they desperately need the loo.

24Jul/200

Friends Outside

Today I dropped off yoga props with friends and two shops. Seven stops total. Getting straps, eye pillows, and a mat to friends felt good. I picked up specialty and bulky items, then dropped them off.

Got home and jumped right into dinner, granted it mostly consisted of making peanut sauce, but still! I went all out today.

At a few stops I hung out with folks outside for a little bit. It was good to see people, although it's still hard to hold back. I wore a mask the whole time. I'm glad I have more to use now!

It was tiring, perhaps 1 less stop next time! I also got something awesome in the mail today! These times are so strange and hard, I'm grateful for all the good moments!

21Jul/200

What’s On My List?

Today was Trauma Therapy Tuesday and I shared my realization about the discussion I'm having internally, somatically every night (yesterday's post). I was explaining that adding the 1b) option that reminds me that I'm always allowed to rest, the idea that I need to have accomplished enough to rest is the wrong idea!

My therapist agreed this was interesting, and that calling myself on the wrong thinking of needing to earn my rest is good. Then she blew my mind by asking me, "Is sleep on your list?"

My jaw dropped for a moment, totally giving away the fact that it wasn't even remotely near my list of things I need to do each day.

She's suggested that my list needs to start with sleeping, resting well, then feeding myself, then meditation. Those things always on the list first, and only meditation if I'm feeling like I'm rested and it will do me well. She asked if these were on the list, especially the first two.

"What's first on your list?", she asked.

"Feeding CK. Then feeding the creatures." I also conceded that this has caused many meals where I don't actually have my main dish. I've been so focused on every other living being eating, that I forget myself.

I'm to work on my list.

17Jul/200

Don’t Look Away

Tonight I head to bed grateful that more journalists after paying attention you what is happening here.

I was up until nearly 2am, unable to wind down.

I've had memories of protesting in the 90s brought up. So many memories of my terrible family. I was seen in TV in a news clip and took so much heat.

I'm grateful for a soccer game victory dance with Bertie

16Jul/200

Lies from Invaders

The head of the Department of Homeland Security arrived uninvited in my city today. He says my city is under siege from anarchists.

He lies.

Local police continue to lie.

Federal cops are grabbing protestors off the street.

I’m so angry. I’m so afraid for my city. I the police defunded and demilitarized. I want the Feds out.

COVID dog checkup today. Sitting out in the car, waiting to hear.

How are people without cars supposed to do this?

The dogs are in excellent health. Bertie is an especially healthy English Bulldog, a poster dog. He let me stick borage flowers on his face. I’m so grateful.

12Jul/200

Koans and Other Tools

I had a lot of moments of just staring off at nothing today.

I read something about American passports, which once were a guarantee of access, are nearly useless now. We're a plague state. I felt trapped here and was grateful when I shared this fear with CK that sure took me seriously.

I'm grateful for all the times she takes me seriously. I have been told so often that I'm overreacting or being too dramatic. All that was gaslighting, but I'm still so grateful when I'm not dismissed.

The federal cops are in Portland because the President sent them. Local cops hasn't already sufficiently brutalized there population.

I thought about the koan about chopping wood and carrying water. Before and after enlightenment, same thing.

Chop wood, carry water.

Making meals, folding laundry, pulling weeds, washing dishes. Just do the tasks that need doing.

6Jul/200

Digging Out

The past couple of days we've been cutting overgrown shrubs and cleaning off the patio. We're slowly making progress on tasks that we've been stuck on. It feels good energetically even if my body hurts.

Dinner was a flop. We were able to discuss what didn't work and that feels like success. In part a mismatch of my really simple desire tonight, something that could be fixed with a better sauce, peanut sauce at that!

Floats are open!! Have been since June 20th, but I only just thought to check. I was even able to get one right after therapy tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to the float so much, my body really could use it!