Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


What Fresh Hell

Today began with seeing a post from my teacher sharing that she had COVID.

Then a friend shared that her Dad died Monday from cancer. Alone at the hospital because of COVID.

T* was impeached again.

I finished my clean up of the utility room. The floor could use mopping, multiple passes, but it's been swept well and looks much better. I hauled a big bag of trash from the basement out to the bin and another from the garage. I also got a big stack of cardboard out for recycling too.

I mostly avoided news until the evening, when CK and I could partake, discuss, and integrate together. Cleaning took most of the afternoon and I managed a little work on budget stuff.

Then I found out my closest college friend woke up with a fever, cough, and chills. She's professional caregiver and just received word about her vaccination. She's awaiting results from a COVID test and isolating in her home, away from her family.


Two Days, 8000+ Dead

COVID deaths are over 4000 a day.

I can't stop thinking about these numbers. How people who think it's a hoax urinated and defecated all over the Capitol Building. They stole, they killed, and desecrated.

People are finally taking this all seriously and it feels like they are too late.

I'm making up cocktails at home because I can and it's a creative outlet. I'm using my vintage barware, which is fun. Although I dropped the lid of the shaker and it vanished; perplexing.



At the end of teaching chair yoga today I commented that we all might leave to see good news from the Georgia Senate runnoff election.

After lunch we planned to knock out a bunch of work on our back taxes.

Then the seditious riot began at the U.S. Capitol building.

We turned on a news channel, keeping it mostly muted worry captioning to reduce the load.

It's an utter fiasco.

Oh, and over 3,500 died from COVID in one day.

Biden was confirmed about 20 minutes ago.

Now we prepare for inauguration chaos.


Ending Hard

Tomorrow I'm going to run errands that involve delicious food for us for a few days. There will be at least one instance of standing in line outside in the rain. Maybe I'll reach out to friends to have a happy hour Zoom.

The end of 2020 is here and I can't say that I'm hopeful about the new year. The accumulation of the headlines this week, the pictures of people screaming for the freedom to not wear a fucking mask as thousands more die.

The reality was hitting me hard today. Umm going to hit the anniversary of not teaching online in just about 10 weeks. March 13, 2020; nearly a year.

The new normal isn't great and I'm afraid it's going to get worse when the election isn't certified in a timely fashion.



I rather loathe that words like resilience and grit have lately been co-opted to be another way to make individuals responsible when they fail to overcome systemic injustices. It's so fucked up the way this country wants to blame victims of oppression.

It cheapens the words.

I was punished often for being stubborn, for resisting the world view I had imposed on me.

I'm able to steer my EMDR processing now; finding instances where I'm exhibiting creativity, ingenuity, resilience, intelligence, and so much tenacity. All these things my Mother and family labeled, "stubborn", were there behaviors that kept me alive.

Age 6 today; last session of 2020. Still pieces coming in, new sharp slivers of adults being terrible.

Realizing I was groomed for months. That I've not felt safe sleeping for most of my life.

My Mother knew I was molested and was incapable of responding responsibly. Instead she made up excuses, shamed me, blamed me.

Rage, rage, and more rage at all the terrible adults I encountered.


60,000 in California Alone

Yesterday California reported over 60,000 new COVID cases. Part of 16,519,688 cases reported yesterday. Today California reported 100% capacity of ICU beds.

The cases because people were selfish about Thanksgiving haven’t even begun to hit us.

I’m going places this week and next. I’m making mistakes; I need more detailed lists! It feels so fraught to be around people even in my respirator mask. I’m restocking some things again.

Vaccines are arriving, being distributed. It will help eventually.

Right now it feels like too little, to late.

The T* Administration is holding up the distribution of the Pfizer vaccine. Millions of doses sit in warehouses.


Unsolicited Diet Propaganda

Today an order of supplements arrived for us. The red rice yeast compound I take that's a precursor to statins I'm taking to address my cholesterol and a new formulation of zinc that should be easier on CK's digestive system. Great!

Given it was 2 pill bottles the box was very large and heavy. Inside, carefully packed in a plastic bag and under plastic pillows, was a complimentary copy of The Longevity Diet.

Yes, there lurking under stuff we need, a book promoting fasting. Diet Culture propaganda from the Wellness Industrial Complex.

I was so grossed out by this unsolicited material. Like Diet Culture aren't a dick pic to me!

I ultimately hurled it into the garage. I'll grab it and put it with the other diet books I've boxed up. I'll be writing a letter to the company; give me free shipping for fuck's sake, don't send me propaganda.

Not the way to start the morning after trauma therapy. I'm sure that made it feel all the more disgusting.

I wanted to do more today, but I ended up laying down after lunch under my weighted blanket. Yesterday's session has left me feeling especially drained and wrung out.

Ursa napped with me and Bertie. It's the first time he's done this and it was just what I needed.


Jerk Feels

My brain decided I'm a jerk tonight because playing Magic with CK was frustrating. That's after feeling terrible dread about the Collage Guild online party.

The party was great. It all mostly went as planned. We got through my frustrations and after trying something new tomorrow. I made awesome soup for dinner.

I feel like I've been rubbed by sandpaper all day. All this is connected, I know, but it still feels like too much and made my stomach unhappy.


Difficult Letter Day

Sometimes I decide that a company or a person is worth the energy to educate, or at least attempt to communicate clearly with. Because I don't like conflict I often will just disappear, ghosting as they say now. Occasionally I'll write a letter.

When I decide to write one I'll find my brain wants to get in a loop of writing a small epic. I don't like rehashing stuff that's made me unhappy, so I'll avoid writing the letter because I don't want to get pulled into it to deeply.

The problem is, this process of trying not to think about it to much for fear of setting off the epic Russian novelist part of my brain, this itself is taxing. It gets in the way of writing letters advocating for health or postcards to friends.

Yesterday I sent out a few postcards. Today I decided to tackle the most pressing letters. One essentially ends a friendship; I can't remain friends with someone who's behavior reminds me of my ex-husbands. The other attempts to improve care at a business we may need in the future; the things that weren't alright with Puck's end-of-life care. I was going to have a third about a policy at my favorite Japanese bookstore, but I can't find a mailing address. Instead I made a sternly worded request through their website.

I have drafts to review tomorrow, these letters will benefit from sleeping on them.

Tonight we put up our tree which was a good antidote to working on the letters.


Kitten Induced Terror

This morning the kitten flipped himself through the stairwell rails and dropped several feet onto the hardwood stairs. He then ran into the basement and hid while growling.

I thought I would throw up when I realized what happened.

Brow and I both ran down the stairs. Bertie fell down part of the steps he was rushing. He fell again coming up because he was worried.

I felt this terrible shame that is failed to keep the kitten safe. Certain CK would get angry that I wasn't careful.

Ursa seems fine. CK wasn't mad, she reminded me that he's inadvertently knocked himself off the bed twice.

She got why I felt so bad.

Power went out again too. This led to pizza for dinner.

Still feeling sad and demoralized. My students shared today that most of them are feeling the same.

Today the kitten slept with Dora, which was pretty great.