Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


That Asshole

My brain, the Whinnie aspect, moved on from Inner Critic decades ago. Now all it has left is shame and I am full up.

I'm trying to catch myself those times where I'm utterly failing to follow my own advice. This is such a big area; I look up and realize I've been beating myself up all day because I haven't done all the things.

CK had a telemedicine appointment today with doctor and they talked about the weird numbness she's had for a few weeks now. Tomorrow I'm taking her over to get a blood draw; our ND said to be well hydrated because there's several years she's running.

She's concerne. We have been too. We're helping each other to not obsess or catastrophisize.


Early Morning Errands

I was five minutes early to my 8am blood draw. Our doctor saw me pull up and came outside so I was so done by 8:02! That she is still happy to do this awkward thing makes it worth all the work to go across town to her office. At least COVID still had kept traffic not too bad

I remembered that the all vegan donut shop opened at 8am, as did the gluten free bakery we have gone to a few times. Both were on the way home, more or less. It felt nice to come home with really special treats for each of us.

I was aware of the diet culture irony of getting myself donuts right after a blood draw to check my cholesterol. Luckily it's stayed at just this awareness and hasn't turned into anxiety or food shame. Not even when I had two donuts in one day!


Home PT

I'm getting up early for me to go get my blood drawn by our doctor. I've been taking a red rice yeast compound for over six months, we'll see if it's having any effect on my cholesterol. I'm feeling mildly anxious, but just about any outing brings it up.

My colleague who teaches MELT Method brought over the props I bought today. I'm excited to have them, I really felt a benefit to my pain when is stay for her class after mine at the community center. I think it will help CK too.

I told her about my late night research on Restless Leg Syndrome. I'm going to compose my thoughts and questions then send it to our doctor. I found a few things we could start trying that won't hurt even if that's not what CK had going on.

We're also pretty sure she's got a rib out of alignment under her right scapula. Slowly trying to work on that, the MELT roller might help too.

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Ants in Pants

I wanted to write about gratitude and how grateful I am for how our community is keeping connected and supporting one another. Especially because I get to avoid a Costco trip!

But for the fifth or sixth night in a row CK has had what she calls "ants in the pants" when she lays down to sleep. Previous nights a hand rub helped and she fell asleep. Tonight, no luck.

I've been reading about Restless Leg Syndrome.

I know it's not a good idea to research late at night, but here we are. I'm worried about her. It did give me some good ideas too.

Another plus to keeping a household journal/calendar is that I started noting the nights a hand rub was needed. It is unfolding in usefulness!


Wisdom on Wednesday

Moved ever closer to sending taxes! We're being sure to get a Certificate of Mailing to prove it was sent, this can only be obtained in a post office.

I checked with the local UPS Store and they confirmed this, with apologies! I was then given advice to not go at the time I was calling, around 2:30pm, because the neighborhood post office is busy in the afternoon.

Pre COVID I'd have gone and listened to something while waiting out the line. It's just a queue.

Now I'm taking the advice to go when they open at 8:30 tomorrow. Not my favorite thing to do, but it will reduce exposure and I'll be home to teach in time.

I was grumpy today because my sinuses hurt which makes me slow. This means I didn't get to make happy checkmarks of accomplishment in the calendar journal. Which means my head hurts and I feel like I'm not doing my share of the work.

I am grateful today for the arrival of a new electric kettle! It should be more impervious to ants and looks snazzy!


Kindness is a Warm Blanket

I made it out of the house with all my things, even though I tried to leave in my slippers!

I got to OHSU South Waterfront, where the diagnostics lab is, and got myself checked in.

There were a lot of kindnesses that helped so much.

The staff folks checking me in were very sympathetic and understanding of my anxiety about risk. They had me wait separate from the open atrium waiting area so there wasn't anyone coming by me.

It was a bit of a wait.

Being inside a closed up medical building waiting for a procedure is a whole new level of anxiety.

Once in I was delighted to find out that the scan used a CT, so I could wear my high-protective mask, didn't have to worry about my nose/ear piercings, and I even got to keep my bra on since it didn't have underwires! I kept on my tank top too since the electrodes could be placed around and under my clothing!

The very tall, kind man, Brandon, who conducted the test got a pillow to support my legs so my back was comfortable. He also brought me a warm blanket, which helped my anxiety hugely!

I told him I have Complex PTSD, he'd not heard of it before. I noted that for me it's due in large part to developmental trauma.

"My Mother had a personality disorder.", I said.

I've come to find that telling people that just lets them know enough to realize that I've survived some terrible stuff. Usually no one asks more, which is fine.

Brandon nodded, "Yeah, I hear you. That's too bad. You just let me know if you need anything else to make this easier."

Then three electrodes and lying still and breathing when the machine told me to. About five minutes.

We chatted a little at the end about why I was there. He laughed, "You mean you're here because you're being proactive about your heart health?!"

I said that was about it. I was keeping ahead of my family's genetic issues, where possible.

He told me he was proud of me and that he wished there were more patients like me.

That was pretty awesome!

Now I wait to hear from my doctor about the results.


Carotid Calcium

I have a heart test at OHSU at 8am to measure the possible calcium deposite carotid artery. I was convinced to come in after being reassured that this lab is really safe and not where sick people go.

The test was ordered by my doctor last spring. She's continuing to assess risk to my heart health since my cholesterol popped up after menopause. Her hunch is that I'm genetically predisposed to high cholesterol and the results of this test will either reassure me or we'll discuss what to consider.

I've been taking a red rice yeast compound that's a precursor to statins. I've not noticed significant pain with adding it. After the first of the year she'll test my blood again to see if it's having a positive result.

COVID makes everything harder. I'm going to do my layered masks. I'm worried I'll need to remove piercing jewelry from my nose and ear; awkward to do with masks! I'll call before I go up and check, I'll bring my jewelry pliers set.

EKG pads on my chest; minimally invasive but I'm still feeling icky about being touched. Might bring my weighted blanket.


Pie Over Indulgence

I’m waiting for my mild heartburn to subside. I polished off my pie for dessert with wine. One or the other, since it was really 2 slices worth, would have been fine after takeout burgers & fries, but both was too much.

I’d a simple plan to make something, but our new, inexpensive IKEA sofa showed up this morning and putting it together kind of wore us out. CK fed the creatures while I picked up food.

Last night I didn’t have wild dreams. I think starting the new memoir in therapy, along with all the grief stacking up around this time of year and Obie dying, really has been stirring up my subconscious.

That’s all without COVID which hangs over our lives. Vaccines are being rushed, but then we’ll have all the anti-vax folks out in force saying it’s a conspiracy! I’m so tired of these people.

I finished a new piece today, a tiny shrine, and got it into the post office this afternoon! Saturday my art group is all getting together online and everyone’s mailing a package this week so we’ll all have one to open when we’re together.

The bare tree has lost interest to Ursa, tomorrow we’re going to decorate! Thankfully we already have a theme of non-breakable ornaments!


Sinus Headaches

The weekend has featured sinus pain. I've been so tired too, it's making my ears ring as well. No boxing today, having my heart rate up sounds painful!

Magnolia Clear Sinus tea as my night cap. It helped me make dinner for us both earlier once I realized I had a terrible headache.

I'm working on sending out patches, a really big project. The ongoing efforts to destroy the USPS leave me worried about all the medications I worked so hard to get to mail order. I'm worried about the envelopes in sending this week,

I'm glad I'm taking off some birthday time. I feel so tired all the time.


Headache Day

It was with me all day. Aching, throbbing behind my ears. Temple spikes. Sinus aches. It occurred to me by the afternoon that I had both a tension and sinus headaches.

Ibuprofen and a nap didn't help much. Hoping tomorrow is better.

I'm grateful we're getting takeout. I'm feeling a little extravagant this past week, but I'm glad I got wok bowls for us.