Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

5Jul/200

Reclaiming

Today I raked off the patio and began trimming the first of our several Japanese Maples. There's still debris to bag up, especially since CK also began trimming some of our shrubs, but it already is a huge improvement.

This year I'm reclaiming the pond from the grass. I wish I could make all the grass go away for the most part, but especially the grass near the pond!

While we were outside doing all that I was getting texts from AF asking if we needed groceries and telling me that donuts were coming unless I replied back, "No!". Since I was raking and cutting things, I left me phone on the table, ignored. By the time I saw it, I only needed to open the front door and there were surprise donuts!

I realized that I heard very few explosions this evening, none for the past 45 minutes or more (it is just now midnight), and I'm really grateful.

1Jul/200

Hello July

Today some trash and yard debris that's been sitting over a year was finally picked up and hauled away. I did a bunch of raking with the small crew to get it done, and I'll be feeling it, but it felt good to be part.

I released a patch set today in the soccer fan group I'm in. It's also something I've been working on for over a year and finally got it out there.

I found a really good home for the majority of my yoga props. I'll still need to deal with straps, which students will claim, and mats, which will be donated. The bolsters, blocks and blankets are going to a yoga foundation, run by an amazing Black woman, that supports people who've experienced domestic violence.

It's been a good day even if I'm up too late again!

24Jun/200

A Happy Day

CK turned 40 today. She had a really good day and I'm feeling good about my part in making that happen.

She once mentioned treasure hunts, so I hid gifts around the house at different times of day. Starting with a cool card stashed by her glasses late last night that she found first thing when she got up!

I made another by-request dinner. We had a cake from a special bakery that supports people with brain injuries. We just hung out today, she did whatever she felt like. We had some friends come by an online hangout too.

I'm really grateful we managed a happy day given how truly hard the world is right now.

23May/200

Seventy Dinners

It wasn't grand or special. We didn't even have exactly the same thing, my entree was leftovers and CK had hot dogs cut up in baked beans, yes, beanie weenie. There were carrot sticks for a veg side. The fruit salad for dessert was the most labor intensive part of dinner.

It was tasty, filling, and nutritious enough. We both ate our seventieth dinner together, that's the most important part. We played games together at the dining room table then each of us on a computer game, but in the same room together.

While checking on the dogs out in our yard I admired the bees attending all of flowers blooming right now.

22May/200

Harvest

The garden gave us Sugar Snap Peas today. Just a handful we ate while playing a game together this evening. They weren’t amazing, the way very freshly harvested produce is sometimes, but they were good.

I picked up the mail. It contained a handmade card and a linocut print, both made by students. “That’s a pile of fan mail”, CK commented when I got home.

I am, again, deeply moved at the offerings of my students. I’m also really impressed at how well people are adapting and growing.

Now that I’ve spotted the backdraft of shame in response to these mail days, I’m hoping that will begin to ease. Sometimes recognizing, then articulating these insights to CK, a friend, and/or my therapist, starts to break up the hold the Childhood Logic has on me.

Tomorrow is Dinner 70 and I have no idea what it will be, nor do I have anything thawing for CK. It might end up being very easy if we garden a lot. We’re also spending a bunch of the weekend playing games and discussing more ideas to make CK’s 40th extra special.

16May/200

Gratitude

After ending yesterday feeling so frustrated by these times, tonight I'm trying to focus on gratitude. Here are things that brought me happiness today: the connection with students this morning, playing games with my wife, talking with friends online together, and making dinner number 63.

A dear friend bringing us fresh fruit and sweets, which was especially lovely.

When I guide people in exploring the Self of Bliss in yoga (anandamaya kosha) I'll have them reflect on connections they have with other living beings. Specifically the connections where were feel seen and appreciated, just as we are.

That's how fruit and sweets delivery felt today, dwelling in the Body of Bliss.

There were also these roses today.

19Apr/200

Weekend Care

I got out of synch and am up later than my usual night owlish tendency. There was a great online hangout with friends today. We played a lot of games. We're still healthy.

A quick entry for the day, for those poems!

Come morning, rain break.
Petals scattered on the ground.
Apples drink in rain.

18Apr/200

Transient Beauty

All the pink faded from the apple blossoms and they were starting to wither away. Today the rain returned, I'm sure it will knock these last petals off.

Transient beauty.
Spring's blossoms fade so quickly.
Delicate as hope.

We spent the day playing games. CK asked if I wanted to get Animal Crossing a few weeks ago. It is pretty expensive, to my mind, and I was reluctant. I worried I'd get it and not really get into it and waste the money.

How I see myself as worthy of a $60 game is directly related to trauma therapy.

Homelessness at age 4 where you are repeatedly shamed by your family while you shelter with them leaves traces. That it coincides with signification abuse from my Mother, instead of loving support, makes it complicated to admit to my wife I want her to buy a game, and online subscription, while I'm not working.

The results of my scary game purchase? I played nearly uninterrupted for four hours today! It's really a sweet, kind way to just rest.

It was rainy and chilly after several Sunny warm days. Sitting on the sofa with the dogs and Obie playing a sweet game really was a blessing.

3Apr/200

Gifts Gratefully Received

Standing beneath trees
Abundant with bright blossoms;
Hopeful, tender Life.

I went out today and saw a dear student, physically distant as I admired her garden. She made CK and I each two cotton masks, beautiful creations that will allow us to more safely do necessary errands.

I’ve felt increasingly anxious about my rare trips out. A student asked if we wanted some and I took her up on the offer, gratefully, and shared with her hoe it was helping my anxiety! Ironically, as I was on this errand the CDC issued a statement recommending masks!

I feel loved. I am taking it in, trying to really pay attention. This gift, the sweetener of including CK, the money I’ve been making, the generosity. It is this reminder that I am valued, worthy. I’m not a toxic person who destroys people.

1Apr/200

Poetry and Gratitude

Hey, it's April, which happens to be National Poetry Month, and I'm trying to think of creative projects. Reviving the old 30 Poems in 30 Days challenge!

April Haiku

Raindrops fill flowers.
Delicate cups overflow.
April showers fall.

I'm grateful for these fancy primroses CK grew from seed. I'm grateful for her exuberant return to gardening. I'm grateful her job is secure and she likes it.

I often have moments where I'm grateful that my Mother is dead. This ghoul of a President at least wasn’t elected by her, because she would have voted for his “straight talking” ways. She would have been the Boomer playing down the seriousness of COVID and telling me I’m overreacting, being a drama queen.

Her death freed me to heal, to finally see the full scope of the abuse, to really connect to the terrified child I was. Connecting to that child self is helping me to see how remarkable I was.

How remarkable I am.