Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

20Sep/200

Respite for Obie

Getting Obie back on the digestive medication relieved his distress. I also started giving him the pet CBD more often, plus a single drop of human grade a few times a day. This combination of keeping him more comfortable, so less meowing incessantly.

The past two days have felt so hard, liked I'm pushing through quicksand to get anything done. Surprisingly, we ended the weekend with all the clothing laundry caught up, the kitchen clean, and 2/3 of the floors upstairs done. CK hung shelves in the den today.

I'm trying hard to keep moving. When I'm not moving, I'm focusing on my breath, the feeling of the Earth beneath me. I'm not staying in the fear and despair, but it is work and I'm tired.

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18Sep/200

Too Much

Obie has been crying for 2 days. Following me and meowing with ravenous hunger. Today he was doing it pretty much all day long despite trying to give him a little did every hour. Tonight we finally got him back on the medicine for gastrointestinal distress and gave him a drop of human grade CBD since the animal one didn't seem to soothe his agitation at all.

He's laying calmly for the first time all day. He went back into the yoga room while I did dishes. I think he's worn out from agitation.

Today the smoke finally cleared and the rain arrived in a flurry of lighting in the early morning hours. I was awoken by the bright flashes lighting up the bedroom, worrying about the tinder dry trees.

When thunder caught up the rain fell heavily for a while. The dogs and CK all woke up too, for a while we had Bertie in the bed shivering because he's afraid of storms.

In the afternoon CK shared the news that Ruth Bader Ginsberg had died. GOP ghoul, Mitch McConnell, immediately began politicizing filling her place on the Supreme Court.

Then CK shared a significant roadblock for plans we're trying to get underway. A COVID roadblock. I know we'll figure what to do.

All of that hit me so hard this afternoon. All of today after months of COVID changes, a week of being sealed up inside our house, and the past years of the Trump adminstration. I closed myself in the bedroom and just cried until my asthma kicked up and made me cough.

We celebrated the sound of rain and the joy of fresh air flowing in through all the open windows.

9Sep/200

Another Day, Another Disaster

Parts of Oregon burned overnight. More burned, continues to burn. Places I went as a kid, places I had family or friends, places I went to with friends, a place I started my yoga therapy journey.

Places I love.

Unlike the Eagle Creek Fire 3 years ago, which devastated a beloved wilderness area, these fires are taking out small towns, hot springs, lodges and homes.

A friend shared with me today that a place she’d just sent me photos of, the home of friends’ she’s visited for over 20 years, is gone.

On a call with my yoga community and we talked about the load people are dealing with. In Portland that load is:

COVID
Ghouls in Charge of COVID Response/Country
Election/Post-election Chaos
Protests Against Police Violence (100+ days)
Fire Season Burning Away Oregon/West Coast

Then we have our cat dying.

Thankfully WE are growing closer and stronger together.

4Sep/200

Obie vs. Pills

Obie got his first pill Thursday night, the over that's to help him stop vomiting. It was a pretty easy experience.

This morning I attempted the first steroid dose this morning. They are bitter and it didn't go smoothly. I got it in him, booty he also scratched me and drew blood in 6-7 places!

Bless AF who saw my tweets and offered up interim gel capsules to put bitter pills into and a pill popper tool. I choose to combine both his second doses of steroid and stomach pills into one capsule. Rather than give him 3 pulls daily.

I also wrapped him up. He still managed to bite me, no short sleeves for this job, but I got the pill into him more quickly.

We'll see how he does with the whole procedure and if the medication helps. The stomach one we're hopeful about, her hasn't thrown up in a few days.

2Sep/200

So Much Grief

My memory of feeling worthless, not valued enough to be kept safe, is different in that it doesn’t directly involve my Mother. Instead it involves witnessing the caregiver I was left with abusing her children. I was accustomed to physical abuse within my family and was terrified this woman would come after n me next.

Something about this particular memory awakens profound grief. Combined with all the grief I feel about COVID, businesses I love closing, Black Lives Protestors being continually brutalized by police, the corrupt GOP, and our cat having cancer.

It leaves me feeling so tender, with tears right at the surface. This is a state I find painfully vulnerable, I do not have a friendly relationship with tears, still. It says something that I’m able to say that rather than “I hate crying”!

I said to students Tuesday that grief is so big at times, but e we keep working with it until it’s like a small, precious stone we set on the altar. We ultimately each create our internal Room of Grief where each precious stone lives.

I like this, I want to write more about it, but this beginning bit, when it’s all so much at once and so big, how to hold space for that? That’s the part I want to be better at.

1Sep/200

September Sad

Obie most likely has lymphoma. He doesn't have many options and diagnostics won't reveal some miracle so we're going the palliative care route.

Hopefully we can get him to stop throwing up and gain some weight. He threw up again tonight. Nothing seems to trigger it, her just can't always keep his food down.

Her might respond well and have another year, he might only a few weeks.

2020 is the year that keeps on sucking.

21Jun/200

How Low Can We Go?

I gave up my streak yesterday. I'd had a long run of unbroken posts but yesterday I was just too tired, too miserable, and couldnk make myself do one more thing that felt like a task.

Nearly 120,000 people have died from COVID19 and police continue to kill Black people.

I keep hoping to hear Puck's giant feet clacking on the hardwood floors.

19Jun/200

Worst Year Ever

We had to make the decision to put Puck down today.

Acute, extreme kidney failure. One kidney looked to be dead.

That's the post for today. This is the fourth cat we've lost over there past 12 years. Fifth for me since I just lost a kitty right when I met CK.

21May/200

It’s the Grief

I felt overcome with grief this morning, set off by a thoughtful gesture. As I blinked through a moment of tears, I was struck at how much grief I’ve felt this week. The heaviness and sadness I’ve felt are not depression, but grief cycling through.

I made a couple of videos over at the club I still work for. It was pretty tiring to go out to do that. I also stopped to pick up some medication, I had intended to go to the post office as well, but forgot!

I found myself wishing I could just drive off to the beach. Then I remembered that it’s still closed.

Grief came back then.

There’s so much to grieve right now. Even in our good fortune there’s so much we’re missing out on this year, including an event with friends & family to mark CK’s 40th next month. I miss my students.

My errand included some spectacular roses, I’m really grateful for all these moments if beauty.

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8May/200

Seventy-five Thousand

75,477 people have died. This number is low since the CDC website is showing the Thursday tally at end of day Friday.

The lack of mourning and outcry feels increasingly wrong. This is why I'm making art every other day to show this growing number. I can't look away.

I have a friend, another yoga therapist, who had been been contacted by the Contact Tracing network that's been created in Oregon. She had a terrible virus on February, she's been in close contact with three folks who've tested positive. She'd tested negative, but that batch has had several false negatives.

I practiced saying out loud to her that I wouldn't be going back to in person teaching until a virus is available. I don't feel it's ethical to encourage my students to gather in groups. I'd rather keep getting them online!