Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


Too Tired to Think

I want to write about what's been kicking around my head since therapy last week, learning how to focus on working for myself as opposed to always seeing myself as working against my family.

It has to do with how I'm feeling nearly 18 years after deciding to work on my heart health. Pushing against the examples in my family of origin and doing what's nearly impossible; losing over 130 pounds and lowering my cholesterol without medication.

Anyway, I have to go back to that sometime. Since the coup attempt last week it's been hard to make my brain sort out my thoughts.

My brain is focused on what should be restocked in the event there is civil unrest next week.

It's exhausting.

The kitten, who is nearly cat sized, helps us both. He and Bertie played wildly together this evening, making us both laugh.


What Fresh Hell

Today began with seeing a post from my teacher sharing that she had COVID.

Then a friend shared that her Dad died Monday from cancer. Alone at the hospital because of COVID.

T* was impeached again.

I finished my clean up of the utility room. The floor could use mopping, multiple passes, but it's been swept well and looks much better. I hauled a big bag of trash from the basement out to the bin and another from the garage. I also got a big stack of cardboard out for recycling too.

I mostly avoided news until the evening, when CK and I could partake, discuss, and integrate together. Cleaning took most of the afternoon and I managed a little work on budget stuff.

Then I found out my closest college friend woke up with a fever, cough, and chills. She's professional caregiver and just received word about her vaccination. She's awaiting results from a COVID test and isolating in her home, away from her family.


Riding the Self-Criticism Bus

I'm tired today and although my class went well, I took care of all animal control tasks, answered a few messages, and made dinner, my critical inner self hasn't felt like I'm doing well enough.

I pointed out to her that I also cleaned up the dishes, loaded the dishwasher, and swept the kitchen.

Nope. Big list of what I didn't do.

It didn't help that I saw a post from my teacher sharing that she has COVID.

CK came back from vacation to a big change at work.

The inauguration is in a week. I'm wondering what I should do to prepare for worse chaos. I've been stocking up on a lot of things, tomorrow I'll scan the inventory and see what needs to be replaced.


Vintage Pyrex and Grief

I feel a little while back and my backpack went flying of my body, badly wrenching my right hand. It's remained stiffer in one finger and tender, which makes my hand a little clumsy.

A last week, while putting away some dishes while food cooked, my hand cramped and I dropped my favorite Pyrex mixing bowl. It shattered impressively and I felt terrible. I've lost count of how many things I've made in it over the years.

It was a vintage one from a set my Mother had from my early childhood. Originally there were four bowls, all in patterns or shades of avocado green.

She decided to get rid of them after breaking the largest when I was at college. I asked for the three remaining, using them for the past 30 years!

I thought about trying to scour thrift stores until I found a replacement. Vintage Pyrex is often to be had, I've aquired some additional cool pieces of baking dishes.

Then I remembered COVID, so no Goodwill Hunting.

Then I considered getting rid of the remaining ones and finding a new-to-me set, ones that weren't tied to my childhood. This has real appeal!

Turns out the "Cinderella" mixing bowl sets after kind of a thing. It's probably $150 for a set of four, shipped! Not terrible, but still a lot to think about.

So I just put all that on the proverbial back burner. There was a couple attempt to be distracted by.

Until tonight, when I wanted to make cornbread and went to get out my mixing bowl and it all came back.

The broken bowl, COVID, the coup, all the socially distant everything. It just all hurt.

I persevered and madder cornbread in the modern, OXO, plastic bowl. It was fine, even if it felt off. The cornbread was good for dessert.

We're in day one of an Atmospheric River. I miss driveway hangouts from summer and autumn.


It’s the Racism

My art group met online today to make oracle cards together. I’m excited about this project; making a single card a week for the year! I’m going to finish up two cards tomorrow to get started.

I’m always happy to discover that my friends are either already been doing the work to interrogate their whiteness or are getting started without question. Even still, I’m stuck at how much white people dance around racism.

There’s been energy invested in pointing to economic downturns, but this is just smoke and mirrors. It’s about white people not wanting a world that is filled with people who are Black and all other colors, who are queer, who know gender is on a continuum.

I’m tired of a “both sides” approach, there is no balance when one side thinks you don’t deserve to live.


Two Days, 8000+ Dead

COVID deaths are over 4000 a day.

I can't stop thinking about these numbers. How people who think it's a hoax urinated and defecated all over the Capitol Building. They stole, they killed, and desecrated.

People are finally taking this all seriously and it feels like they are too late.

I'm making up cocktails at home because I can and it's a creative outlet. I'm using my vintage barware, which is fun. Although I dropped the lid of the shaker and it vanished; perplexing.


Coup Hangover

A student told me how grateful she was that I taught today. Others shared her sentiment, saying that my class brings some balance and normalcy during these riotous, pandemic days.

It feels so good to know that I'm helping people, but it's also fatiguing to create this for people.

It's estimated that 4000 people died from COVID today.

Trump is still in office despite having provoked a coup attempt.

I lightly bumped my left hip at the market, but I hit a tender point! My body reacted with intense pain that's still lingering, several hours and ibuprofen later. Thankfully I have PT tomorrow, so that tender point will get attention.

I picked up fresh rose water while at the market so I'll be experimenting with my coup cocktail again soon.



At the end of teaching chair yoga today I commented that we all might leave to see good news from the Georgia Senate runnoff election.

After lunch we planned to knock out a bunch of work on our back taxes.

Then the seditious riot began at the U.S. Capitol building.

We turned on a news channel, keeping it mostly muted worry captioning to reduce the load.

It's an utter fiasco.

Oh, and over 3,500 died from COVID in one day.

Biden was confirmed about 20 minutes ago.

Now we prepare for inauguration chaos.


What Ifs

At therapy today I had a round of "what ifs".

What if I hadn't been born to a family with intergenerational trauma going back who knows how far?

What if anyone in my family took my side.

What if support within my family wasn't always transactional, if it was offered at all.

I noted, and my therapist agreed, that these part of my grieving. She reminded me that having a supportive family doesn't yield a positive results. Well-off people from loving families end up living on the street, alone.

They came up after considering how my Mother would say to me when I was an adult how hard she tried to be a good parent, that she did the best she could. As I process new trauma I'm once again angered at this, that this was the best she could do.

My therapist said that, sadly, this was true. She really couldn't have done better than what I got. It brings up the grief for a childhood that I never got.

I started the year by making the best gluten free cornbread ever! Bubbles!!! I'm making it again this week to try and replicate, then document!


Back in Class

I started teaching online today. 13 students came and they're stayed after for kirtan! It felt pretty good to be back at it.

I considered taking another week off since CK is still off, but I think I made the right choice to start. We still have the afternoon to connect, aside from tomorrow which is a therapy day.

We're both continuing to make progress on various house projects. I feel hopeful that tomorrow's session won't be too destabilizing. I haven't felt as much from Age 6 Sherri the past 2 weeks; there's been a lot happening and she's felt cared for.