Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

14Jan/210

What Fresh Hell

Today began with seeing a post from my teacher sharing that she had COVID.

Then a friend shared that her Dad died Monday from cancer. Alone at the hospital because of COVID.

T* was impeached again.

I finished my clean up of the utility room. The floor could use mopping, multiple passes, but it's been swept well and looks much better. I hauled a big bag of trash from the basement out to the bin and another from the garage. I also got a big stack of cardboard out for recycling too.

I mostly avoided news until the evening, when CK and I could partake, discuss, and integrate together. Cleaning took most of the afternoon and I managed a little work on budget stuff.

Then I found out my closest college friend woke up with a fever, cough, and chills. She's professional caregiver and just received word about her vaccination. She's awaiting results from a COVID test and isolating in her home, away from her family.

13Jan/210

Riding the Self-Criticism Bus

I'm tired today and although my class went well, I took care of all animal control tasks, answered a few messages, and made dinner, my critical inner self hasn't felt like I'm doing well enough.

I pointed out to her that I also cleaned up the dishes, loaded the dishwasher, and swept the kitchen.

Nope. Big list of what I didn't do.

It didn't help that I saw a post from my teacher sharing that she has COVID.

CK came back from vacation to a big change at work.

The inauguration is in a week. I'm wondering what I should do to prepare for worse chaos. I've been stocking up on a lot of things, tomorrow I'll scan the inventory and see what needs to be replaced.

12Jan/210

Vintage Pyrex and Grief

I feel a little while back and my backpack went flying of my body, badly wrenching my right hand. It's remained stiffer in one finger and tender, which makes my hand a little clumsy.

A last week, while putting away some dishes while food cooked, my hand cramped and I dropped my favorite Pyrex mixing bowl. It shattered impressively and I felt terrible. I've lost count of how many things I've made in it over the years.

It was a vintage one from a set my Mother had from my early childhood. Originally there were four bowls, all in patterns or shades of avocado green.

She decided to get rid of them after breaking the largest when I was at college. I asked for the three remaining, using them for the past 30 years!

I thought about trying to scour thrift stores until I found a replacement. Vintage Pyrex is often to be had, I've aquired some additional cool pieces of baking dishes.

Then I remembered COVID, so no Goodwill Hunting.

Then I considered getting rid of the remaining ones and finding a new-to-me set, ones that weren't tied to my childhood. This has real appeal!

Turns out the "Cinderella" mixing bowl sets after kind of a thing. It's probably $150 for a set of four, shipped! Not terrible, but still a lot to think about.

So I just put all that on the proverbial back burner. There was a couple attempt to be distracted by.

Until tonight, when I wanted to make cornbread and went to get out my mixing bowl and it all came back.

The broken bowl, COVID, the coup, all the socially distant everything. It just all hurt.

I persevered and madder cornbread in the modern, OXO, plastic bowl. It was fine, even if it felt off. The cornbread was good for dessert.

We're in day one of an Atmospheric River. I miss driveway hangouts from summer and autumn.

9Jan/210

It’s the Racism

My art group met online today to make oracle cards together. I’m excited about this project; making a single card a week for the year! I’m going to finish up two cards tomorrow to get started.

I’m always happy to discover that my friends are either already been doing the work to interrogate their whiteness or are getting started without question. Even still, I’m stuck at how much white people dance around racism.

There’s been energy invested in pointing to economic downturns, but this is just smoke and mirrors. It’s about white people not wanting a world that is filled with people who are Black and all other colors, who are queer, who know gender is on a continuum.

I’m tired of a “both sides” approach, there is no balance when one side thinks you don’t deserve to live.

8Jan/210

Two Days, 8000+ Dead

COVID deaths are over 4000 a day.

I can't stop thinking about these numbers. How people who think it's a hoax urinated and defecated all over the Capitol Building. They stole, they killed, and desecrated.

People are finally taking this all seriously and it feels like they are too late.

I'm making up cocktails at home because I can and it's a creative outlet. I'm using my vintage barware, which is fun. Although I dropped the lid of the shaker and it vanished; perplexing.

7Jan/210

Coup Hangover

A student told me how grateful she was that I taught today. Others shared her sentiment, saying that my class brings some balance and normalcy during these riotous, pandemic days.

It feels so good to know that I'm helping people, but it's also fatiguing to create this for people.

It's estimated that 4000 people died from COVID today.

Trump is still in office despite having provoked a coup attempt.

I lightly bumped my left hip at the market, but I hit a tender point! My body reacted with intense pain that's still lingering, several hours and ibuprofen later. Thankfully I have PT tomorrow, so that tender point will get attention.

I picked up fresh rose water while at the market so I'll be experimenting with my coup cocktail again soon.

7Jan/210

Sedition

At the end of teaching chair yoga today I commented that we all might leave to see good news from the Georgia Senate runnoff election.

After lunch we planned to knock out a bunch of work on our back taxes.

Then the seditious riot began at the U.S. Capitol building.

We turned on a news channel, keeping it mostly muted worry captioning to reduce the load.

It's an utter fiasco.

Oh, and over 3,500 died from COVID in one day.

Biden was confirmed about 20 minutes ago.

Now we prepare for inauguration chaos.

9Nov/200

Disbelief

We both just dragged all day. Obie woke me up at 2:20 for food. I'll order some things tomorrow, possibly morsels to try and speed up the middle of the night feeding.

Why I couldn't go to bed sooner; brain spin preventing me from taking a hot shower. I wanted so many things done for morning.

We're also in this state of disbelief that Biden/Harris won. Not able to fully take it in, so we're just feeling the tremendous load our stress response systems have been under! All weekend food hasn't been very appealing.

T* hasn't conceded. The lawsuits start tomorrow.

A highlight of the day was putting our flagpole mount to use and hanging the Progress Pride Flag.

7Nov/200

Relief and Exhaustion

Just before 9am this morning CK shrieked with joy as I was playing a computer game (Animal Crossing New Horizons) in the yoga room.

She came in a few moments later to tell me that the numbers for Pennsylvania and Arizona had come in. The dreaded Electoral College had called the states for Joe Biden. Nevada came in shortly after that, also for Biden.

While there's still plentiful ghouls out there saying that the election isn't over until all the "legal votes" are counted. This is another dog whistle since there aren't illegal votes, there isn't voter fraud. The more outstanding votes that are counted, the more certain a Biden/Harris win becomes.

T* hasn't made a concession speech yet.

This morning my art group met online and it felt good to share the joy with everyone. Fittingly the topic today was "Gratitude Cards" and it led to a lot of good discussions. I'm making some bookmarks to give as gifts for my cards.

The rest of the day I just dragged. CK took a nap. I thought about it, but didn't. I mostly played my game, read the latest ebook from the library (The City We Became), and tried to convince myself to eat a real meal. I eventually had a larger meal when I got takeout sushi for us.

We did have a celebratory adult beverage. Perhaps tomorrow I'll have more energy to feel some pleasure.

The thing is, this doesn't change our plans. Yes, it will make our planning far easier and we'll be able to accomplish our goal more quickly. There is a tremendous feeling of relief and definite joy felt at seeing the positive outcome of countless grassroots organizers who got out the vote of so many disenfranchised communities.

I'm just not ready to put up an American flag again. I'm not sure I'll ever return to that kind of nationalism. I'll put up the new Pride flag or an Iron Front flag, even an Earth flag or the Thorns FC flag. But the sudden outpouring of "reclaim the flag" rhetoric I'm seeing just doesn't connect to my heart.

We're still a broken country that had to pull out all the stops to beat back fascism. We're still nearly half full of people who were just fine with the "Make the liberals cry again!" line. People who quite happily supported the cruelty of the T* regime, if not explicitly than complicity.

People who happily politicized wearing masks and following precautions during a pandemic, thus contributing to the 234,264 deaths from COVID19, as of today.

While there is a need for bridge building and rebuilding. There's also a need to put down our collective foot and say that we're done with tolerating the kind of viciousness we've seen. I'm not making peace with some of these people, nor am I wasting my empathy on them.

They aren't stupid or crazy, they're willfully cruel and need to be treated as such.

5Nov/200

The Waiting

We still don't know. It's looking more and more like it will be Biden/Harris, but it isn't done.

There are T* supporters with guns at election offices demanding that they be allowed to count ballots (Arizona) or that counting be stopped (Michigan). Like the supporters running the Biden/Harris bus off the road in Texas last week, these are the newest incarnation of the Nazi Brownshirts who intimidated people to push their political agenda.

I have felt exhausted today. As usual, teaching at 10am online helped anchor me into the day. I enjoyed chatting with a favorite student afterward, one of those people who's become a friend as well, and that helped me feel a little less hopeless.

I ended up napping after lunch for a little while with Obie. He's been wanting to lay on the bed so I've been turning on the electric blanket to warm up his bones. He reached out his paws and chirped at me, which is pretty impossible to resist. Having got to bed close to 2am, a nap with Obie and Bertie was a good choice.

I felt really unmotivated by food, aside from wanting to turn several ripe apples and pears into a crisp. CK suggested that we have takeout, we picked pizza which I really enjoyed, despite feeling unmotivated. I kept searching for recipes and ended up just making it up; I needed more salt! I also just realized I forgot the cinnamon!

What's weighing on me is how we're just barely holding back fascism. Some small part of me hoped for an outright repudiation, instead T* supporters doubled-down, recruiting more hateful people. Voter suppression has also been so successful, redistricting and gutting the Voting Rights Act continues to disenfranchise people.

There are millions of Americans who are so opposed to everyone sharing a piece of the pie, where everyone gets a smaller piece but everyone gets pie, that they would prefer to just burn down all the pie shops rather than allow the "others" to have some pie.

I see rounds of social media posts about educating "T* voting friend, now's the time!", and I'm furious. This is not about education, we cannot educate people who are willfully ignorant, truth denying, and cruelty seeking!

Also, quit putting work on those of use who are already exhausted and afraid of losing rights we've only been celebrating a few years!

How do we engage with people who don't care if they get hurt so long as they get to see the "other" hurting? How do we just shut it down? How do we say to them, "We don't really care about how you feel about it, this is what is happening."