Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

29Jun/200

Everybody Mask

Statewide mandate came out today that everyone, everywhere across Oregon must wear masks. There's a lot of anger. I'm sure there must be others, like us, who are relived.

Saw my doctor online today. We backed off the plan to begin tapering off my antidepressant medication. 2020 is not the year to change that since I'm having days where it feels physically difficult to move.

Aside from bouts of depression and anxiety in response to the times were living in, my mental health feels better. My health is better than it has been in a long while; sheltering in place has curative powers.

28Jun/200

Cleaning Up

Today began when Obie woke me up at 6:14. That was after a chilly night because I’d discovered our elder dog had peed on our bed and stripped off all the blankets at 2:20.

I got a lot of chores done today after yesterday’s gardening efforts. I have many moments where I feel like such a failure when it comes to the house. We’re getting better, but it still feels terrible sometimes and I really dislike not being able to physically push myself to go all out.

There’s Sunday lull in the death rate from COVID, only 504 since Saturday. We’re well over 125,000 people who have died, over 2.5 million infected, and so many Republicans are still fighting to get get rid of the Affordable Care Act.

18Jun/200

Cats

We've been struggling to eat and so have the cats. Obie really lost weight dramatically, we've gotten home eating again with much coaxing, nutritional yeast, and bonito flakes.

Puck hasn't eaten in the past 24 hours and he's been eating just a few mouthfuls before that. I think his stomach is upset. Calling the vet tomorrow if he's still not eating. Ink realty worried.

CK had beg waking up anxious and in pain. We think physical pain wakes her, but her hee groggy mind flips to panic. We didn't have a good night at all last night.

Once she got to sleep I then slept fitfully, waking every time she moved, worried she was awake again. We picked up a supplement her PMHNP recommend, I'm hoping we can get the what're sleeping is acceptable again.

13Jun/200

Distracting White Women

Today was a day where I felt tired all day. A nap didn't lift my energy or spirits. I've felt sad at the edges all day long.

I'm noodling over the conversation I had yesterday with my friendly peer. Part of this is anxiety, the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is really bothered by telling someone they're using racist language.

I'm angry at all the misinformation she kept sharing. Especially correlating COVID infections rising with protestors, I called her on that too, pulling her to the facts about incubation. Her pulling out some 17% tie to a First Nations community!!

I'm thinking how I need to take care of myself when I'm confronting racism like this with peers. If it means I'm angry for a day as I integrate it all, I just need to plan for that energy shift.

11Jun/200

Comfort Gaming

I’m embracing my foray into online gaming that is Animal Crossing New Horizons. It’s hard because it really feels like I should be doing anything but playing a video game.

There’s countless homeowner tasks for the yard and house. Getting the budget done. Making great meals. Writing my memoirs. Meditating or asana practice. I should be creating art! Making my website better, or any number of business tasks.

I realize how hard it is to rest, still.

I’m feeling sad about COVID19 tonight and all the ways it’s made life harder and less fun. I wanted made-to-order food at the market yesterday and it still isn’t available. It’s the closest I’ve come to take out since March 13.

7Jun/200

Eating and Other Irritations

Lunch defeated me today.

I felt like a failure. I made a lunch for CK, but she couldn't really eat it. Today that felt like I'd dropped the ball of the I've thing I was getting right.

I kept reminding myself, and her, that it wasn't really about the lunch. It was about the pandemic and the protests and the lack of accountability of the police and the Mayor of Portland who's on the side of Money instead of the City and the People.

I wanted to bake cupcakes, testing the gluten free version of the cupcakes I made for CK on the first of her birthdays we spent together. Instead I got so nauseous that I couldn't eat and we played a game until I felt better.

A decent day overall, but I feel exhausted and all I want to do is curl up and read all day and nap.

5Jun/200

Irritation

I’m tired and my pain has been higher, tonight everything feels too irritating to do for more than a moment. Reading. Standing. Playing my game.

Usually I can push through being tired and in pain and do the dishes. Folding laundry is a soothing task usually, good to ground me at bedtime. Tonight I want to throw things, only it’s too much effort.

My pain has slowly improved, but tonight I’m exhausted by it and feel pathetic, mostly worthless. I know logically this isn’t true, but increased physical pain exacerbates mental pain and hater I am tonight.

Tomorrow I’m teaching art online again despite feeling uncertain.

3Jun/200

When

I shared a question posed by James Baldwin in 1989, "You always told me ‘It takes time.’ It’s taken my father’s time, my mother’s time, my uncle’s time, my brothers’ and my sisters’ time. How much time do you want for your progress?"

And people ask why the protests are angry.

My back pain has been high the past two days. I called my PT and made an appointment. There's a list of pandemic protocols to follow, not surprising at all.

My pain slowing me down didn't help with my mood. I get so frustrated by being unable to get more done. Feeling like I'm getting caught up on the house helped me with the anxiety about everything.

2Jun/200

Telling

I went to the dentist and he cleaned my teeth toast and I didn't cry before, during, or after!

I got to practice telling a new care provider at the practice how my anxiety is heightened at the dentist due to intersection of multiple traumas. She was awesome about it and so was my young, less experienced dentist. Again.

It will never be easy revealing trauma history. I am learning that sharing it can be helpful. I'm really touched at the consistent patience I'm down. I never am made to feel like I'm overreacting.

Over 1000 people lay down on the Burnside Bridge this evening. I gave advice to a protestor on using a neti pot to help recovery from tear gas. Students asked me to facilitate a discussion on, essentially, how to be better white people.

1Jun/200

What Next

The President all but declared martial law today. Peaceful protestors demanding justice, prayer groups, families, meet with tear gas and rubber bullets. Republicans are inciting violence against protesters.

Another unarmed Black man was killed in Louisville in the early hours of the morning. The National Guard fired on people breaking curfew. David McAtee was feeding people when he was killed.

I was feeling so wound up after doing some yoga therapy for CK that I just wasn’t feeling settled. I let myself sit and play my video game for a little while, Puck on my lap, until I feel tired.

We’re struggling with wanting to eat. I feel hungry now, past midnight, and I haven’t all day. CK is really finding it harder than usual. I’m learning to be creative with leftovers and frozen veggies. We still haven’t eaten out since March.

There’s still the pandemic, so we’re still isolating. Planning a third online art class for Saturday.

A friend’s roses are today’s photo. My goodness nature is so beautiful, it hurts in contrast to the racism.