Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

24Jan/210

Social Blues

I'm fighting the blues about vaccine plans and COVID. While we all get better at living lives removed from one another, it's also hard. With the way things have gone it is likely to be a year before life gets back to socializing safely again.

In response to this I went out for fresh mochi this morning. It felt excessive going for this special thing when we didn't need groceries.

It was delicious and worth the effort, although I felt over tired.

Yes, staying up past one AM regularly had something to do with being tired.

And yet, it has more to do with feeling soul weary of pulling on my respirator and yelling to be heard at all through it. Weary of feeling like every trip or is fraught with mortal peril. Missing the beach and the mountains.

I napped some, Bertie was really happy about that choice. After talking with a dear friend we had Japanese bowls for dinner. I felt ashamed for not working in our yard while the sun shined, but I truly felt done in despite my nap?

17Jan/210

Six More Months

A friend posted a question on a social media site today asking what people were doing today to prepare for another six months of socially isolating for safety.

It hit me kind of hard.

I know that's what we're looking at, but something about seeing it worded the way it was gave me a big wave of woe and despair.

In just under three months it will be a year of distancing.

Maybe by summer enough of our friends will be vaccinated and we can have a party.

15Jan/210

Too Tired to Think

I want to write about what's been kicking around my head since therapy last week, learning how to focus on working for myself as opposed to always seeing myself as working against my family.

It has to do with how I'm feeling nearly 18 years after deciding to work on my heart health. Pushing against the examples in my family of origin and doing what's nearly impossible; losing over 130 pounds and lowering my cholesterol without medication.

Anyway, I have to go back to that sometime. Since the coup attempt last week it's been hard to make my brain sort out my thoughts.

My brain is focused on what should be restocked in the event there is civil unrest next week.

It's exhausting.

The kitten, who is nearly cat sized, helps us both. He and Bertie played wildly together this evening, making us both laugh.

31Dec/200

Ending Hard

Tomorrow I'm going to run errands that involve delicious food for us for a few days. There will be at least one instance of standing in line outside in the rain. Maybe I'll reach out to friends to have a happy hour Zoom.

The end of 2020 is here and I can't say that I'm hopeful about the new year. The accumulation of the headlines this week, the pictures of people screaming for the freedom to not wear a fucking mask as thousands more die.

The reality was hitting me hard today. Umm going to hit the anniversary of not teaching online in just about 10 weeks. March 13, 2020; nearly a year.

The new normal isn't great and I'm afraid it's going to get worse when the election isn't certified in a timely fashion.

26Dec/200

COVID Christmas

Spending Christmas day with just the 2 of us isn't unusual, but this year there was the additional weight of watching the totals of cases & deaths versus the totals of daily air travel.

Between the 22nd and 24th over 6500 people died.

The CDC took today off from giving data.

Merry Christmas.

I wanted to have energy to play games all day, instead I slept very poorly and drug myself through to 3:45, then napped for an hour. Even with a nap, I still felt out of sorts and exhausted. Feeling like on Christmas felt like I was letting the day down.

Tomorrow I'll hopefully feel better and will deliver gifts.

21Dec/200

Funk

I've felt blue and unmotivated all day. Of course I didn't really become fully aware of it until I was crying.

I got stuff done, but everything felt hard and wasn't satisfying. I just feel like a useless jerk.

Christmas Blues and anticipatory therapy angst? Already going into a schedule crash since I'm not teaching for a couple of weeks?COVID despair?

I wish I knew. I think I don't tell CK when I feel this way because I don't understand the cause and don't want to say, "My mood is off and I don't have a good reason."

15Dec/200

Unhappy Mail

I received a letter today I have every reason to believe to be unpleasant. The writing of this letter was triggered by one I had sent. In response to my letter, the writer quickly wrote his response and mailed it out the same day he'd received my letter. I shook my head at this since writing my own letter took a few weeks of effort.

The letter, the response composed within a few hours, perhaps minutes, after reading mine, sits unopened on our dining room table while I decide it's fate.

The same day it arrived the writer of this letter found a place to live to go with the job he does onboarding for this Wednesday. Oddly enough, my letter suggested both of these actions as a way to salvage a friendship.

The friendship is gone. I've been seen as taking sides and I'm sure am lumped into the category of "worthless friends" he was recently complaining about.

I have begun to believe that nearly all straight, white, cisgendered men are one breakup away from becoming outright abusers.

I'm pretty sad about it.

6Dec/200

Jerk Feels

My brain decided I'm a jerk tonight because playing Magic with CK was frustrating. That's after feeling terrible dread about the Collage Guild online party.

The party was great. It all mostly went as planned. We got through my frustrations and after trying something new tomorrow. I made awesome soup for dinner.

I feel like I've been rubbed by sandpaper all day. All this is connected, I know, but it still feels like too much and made my stomach unhappy.

21Nov/200

Meltdown Day

Saturday the 21st, in which a discussion about fruit derails my entire day.

Some days I really hate my brain.

Today evening made me cry for most of the daylight hours leaving me with an even worse headache than yesterday. I ended up watching an anime movie I love, Nausicaä the Valley of the Wind and working up to eating food.

CK suggested I’m feeling burn out. I told her later that my brain’s immediate response to her saying that was, “I can’t be burnt out! I don’t have enough done yet!”

Getting the dishwasher loaded feels like a huge accomplishment. Likewise for getting the last of the instant mashed potatoes into food service containers.

Tomorrow will hopefully be easier.

18Nov/200

Kitten Induced Terror

This morning the kitten flipped himself through the stairwell rails and dropped several feet onto the hardwood stairs. He then ran into the basement and hid while growling.

I thought I would throw up when I realized what happened.

Brow and I both ran down the stairs. Bertie fell down part of the steps he was rushing. He fell again coming up because he was worried.

I felt this terrible shame that is failed to keep the kitten safe. Certain CK would get angry that I wasn't careful.

Ursa seems fine. CK wasn't mad, she reminded me that he's inadvertently knocked himself off the bed twice.

She got why I felt so bad.

Power went out again too. This led to pizza for dinner.

Still feeling sad and demoralized. My students shared today that most of them are feeling the same.

Today the kitten slept with Dora, which was pretty great.