Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

31Aug/200

End of August

Obie has lost five pounds since January, it's not good. We also can't seem to get control of his vomiting so today her got in to our vet. His kidneys are small and he has a golf ball sized, but not density, in his abdomen.

They took blood samples and more will be known tomorrow when the results are in. We're really hoping for hyperthyroidism.

A good friend, who happens to be something of an expert on disaster prepared, started off the day noting that she felt it wouldn't be a bad idea to prepare for civil unrest in November after the election. Prepare to lose power in late Autumn, have food stocked up, first aid supplies and a radio.

It's left me feeling down today. Amazingly I recorded a video and sent out a newsletter, and people found it helpful. The patches I took to the post office have started to arrive and people liked them.

Trying to keep all that in mind and not the rest of it; it will be there in the morning.

30Jul/200

Anger / Depression

When I realize I’m beating myself up I’m trying to pause and acknowledge my anger. Not validate that I’m being hard on myself, unreasonable, but that I’m experiencing anger.

I acknowledge there’s so much to be angry about right now, how helpless I feel, and how ineffectual my efforts seem. I remind myself that directing the anger inward doesn’t resolve it.

I’m trying to learn to integrate my anger. What a hard lesson this is for someone who was forbidden from showing anger.

Today I'm especially grateful for the surprise of art in the mail from a beloved friend. It helped a lot with today's anger. I'm inspired to send out mail tomorrow.

19Jul/200

Never Enough

My core false brief about myself is that I'm not only worthless, but I'm proudly toxic to be exposed to for prolonged times. Through this same Childhood Logic, if I work hard enough, and I get enough tasks done each day, I'll be able to buffer people from my toxic nature and they'll stay.

When I read the phrase, "hustling for your worthiness", in one of Brené Brown's books, I recognized it immediately. It's the logic above.

I've watched this brief kill someone I loved. It nearly hospitalized me while alienating CK.

I'm doing better with out overall, but this weekend has been hard. I'm feeling guilty for not doing more.

I pretty much always n feel guilty for not doing more.

Bertie got into something that made him sneeze explosively for several minutes. He was rather worn out when it finally wore off. He knicked his gums a little, but that stopped bleeding quickly.

18Jul/200

Anger Turned Inward

Today I taught my second Yoga of Freedom online classes and it went very well. I focused on there later John Lewis legacy and the moral obligation to speak up, to stand up.

For the rest of the day I was in a gray depression feeling like I'd done nothing right.

It isn't true. My art page for today even captures things I did in addition to teaching a difficult class. It's just how I feel.

In reality I'm angry about Federal cops in Portland. I'm angry about my racist family, not that there's anything to do about it besides process it. I'm angry people continue to politicize masks.

All that anger doesn't have anywhere to go, this is most likely the cause of today's blues.

29Jun/200

Everybody Mask

Statewide mandate came out today that everyone, everywhere across Oregon must wear masks. There's a lot of anger. I'm sure there must be others, like us, who are relived.

Saw my doctor online today. We backed off the plan to begin tapering off my antidepressant medication. 2020 is not the year to change that since I'm having days where it feels physically difficult to move.

Aside from bouts of depression and anxiety in response to the times were living in, my mental health feels better. My health is better than it has been in a long while; sheltering in place has curative powers.

28Jun/200

Cleaning Up

Today began when Obie woke me up at 6:14. That was after a chilly night because I’d discovered our elder dog had peed on our bed and stripped off all the blankets at 2:20.

I got a lot of chores done today after yesterday’s gardening efforts. I have many moments where I feel like such a failure when it comes to the house. We’re getting better, but it still feels terrible sometimes and I really dislike not being able to physically push myself to go all out.

There’s Sunday lull in the death rate from COVID, only 504 since Saturday. We’re well over 125,000 people who have died, over 2.5 million infected, and so many Republicans are still fighting to get get rid of the Affordable Care Act.

26Jun/200

Common Good

I ventured out to find a propane tank exchange today after running out Wednesday. I ended up at the local Lowe’s.

After paying inside, where I was relieved to see people wearing masks and adhering to Governor Kate Brown’s mandate, I picked up my 2 tanks and headed to our car.

Some middle-aged, beefy, white men had parked an enormous pickup truck next to me. Seeing me with my mask on, the driver of the truck said this loudly while staring at me.

“Let me grab a mask. We're in one of those counties where that bitch says we have to wear 'em."

I found myself wanting to scream at them about the casual misogyny and blatant disregard for other people. I didn’t have the resources left to do anything other than take care to get home safely.

22Jun/200

Heavy

I realized that I often am experiencing my depression as a somatic effect. Not surprising, given how much I do that with other emotions. It wasn't safe for me to express a range of emotions in my family.

Yesterday I felt so down that it felt physically difficult, even painful to move my body. Trying to focus to make art left me wanting to cry and I had to give up on doing all the dishes. I felt so useless.

Today I taught a subdued class, no kirtan. I made us each chili and a fresh fruit crisp with all the over ripe produce! All that helped, I feel more grounded even if its almost 1am.

I stayed up to do the dishes and take a hot shower. Lost power as I was soaping, conditioner in my hair! Total darkness and shower for a disconcerting moment. It came back on quickly, thank goodness, but off long enough to reset the dishwasher and a free clocks.

13Jun/200

Distracting White Women

Today was a day where I felt tired all day. A nap didn't lift my energy or spirits. I've felt sad at the edges all day long.

I'm noodling over the conversation I had yesterday with my friendly peer. Part of this is anxiety, the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is really bothered by telling someone they're using racist language.

I'm angry at all the misinformation she kept sharing. Especially correlating COVID infections rising with protestors, I called her on that too, pulling her to the facts about incubation. Her pulling out some 17% tie to a First Nations community!!

I'm thinking how I need to take care of myself when I'm confronting racism like this with peers. If it means I'm angry for a day as I integrate it all, I just need to plan for that energy shift.

5Jun/200

Irritation

I’m tired and my pain has been higher, tonight everything feels too irritating to do for more than a moment. Reading. Standing. Playing my game.

Usually I can push through being tired and in pain and do the dishes. Folding laundry is a soothing task usually, good to ground me at bedtime. Tonight I want to throw things, only it’s too much effort.

My pain has slowly improved, but tonight I’m exhausted by it and feel pathetic, mostly worthless. I know logically this isn’t true, but increased physical pain exacerbates mental pain and hater I am tonight.

Tomorrow I’m teaching art online again despite feeling uncertain.