Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

23Jun/200

Incremental Progress

Teaching was slightly earlier today. Trying to work on things. My brain functions in fits and starts, I get a a few emails answered and then I go to therapy and I'm done for a day or two.

This memory from age 4 isn't quite ready to integrate. Some details slipped in again today, one sad thing that provided more insight into my lifelong insomnia. Another glimpse of me in the woods, alone, soothing myself. I was tremendously resourceful and resilient as a child.

I still am.

Today I made the first of a few special dinners for CK's birthday tomorrow. Something light and cool for the very summery, hot day we had. I shared her birthday wish with folks on Facebook and one of her college friends immediately got in touch.

19Jun/200

Worst Year Ever

We had to make the decision to put Puck down today.

Acute, extreme kidney failure. One kidney looked to be dead.

That's the post for today. This is the fourth cat we've lost over there past 12 years. Fifth for me since I just lost a kitty right when I met CK.

18Jun/200

Cats

We've been struggling to eat and so have the cats. Obie really lost weight dramatically, we've gotten home eating again with much coaxing, nutritional yeast, and bonito flakes.

Puck hasn't eaten in the past 24 hours and he's been eating just a few mouthfuls before that. I think his stomach is upset. Calling the vet tomorrow if he's still not eating. Ink realty worried.

CK had beg waking up anxious and in pain. We think physical pain wakes her, but her hee groggy mind flips to panic. We didn't have a good night at all last night.

Once she got to sleep I then slept fitfully, waking every time she moved, worried she was awake again. We picked up a supplement her PMHNP recommend, I'm hoping we can get the what're sleeping is acceptable again.

16Jun/200

Stuff

Today I found out where I can drop off household goods, clothing, etc. I also left a message with some trash haulers. Trying to get unstuck on some projects that involve getting rid of stuff first. I've had a mattress in my van for just over a year now!

I miss clothing swaps. That's something that really doesn't work so well in these pandemic days, a room full of excited people trying on clothing. I have a lot to go and I suppose Goodwill will be the best option. Somehow it makes me sad, although it's not as hard as contemplating throwing things out because we cannot donate.

I admire minimalist style, butt I'm always wonderer where the people who live in these spaces are hiding devices, cables, pens, and such things.

I suppose you have a brain shift where, instead of physical treasures, you have this gift of empty space. I kind of get out and then, like an otter, I'm holding onto my favorite rocks!

I get to see my physical therapist tomorrow. It's been over 3 months and I am pleased I've done as well as I have. I'm also hurting a lot more the past few weeks and having muscle spasms; nightmares, reality, and trauma therapy after adding up.

10Jun/200

Mother Act

Today's Therapy Hangover hasn't been as intense as prior weeks. I've been pretty worn out today and going to the market overwhelmed me a little. I'm grateful for easy dinner and time spent sitting on the patio playing a video game.

It's my first time going out in a county that's reopened and I wasn't prepared for the number of people without masks. The market I went to requires that customers wear them and staff do too, but there wasn't any requirement at the craft store, a Michael's, and I saw many people unmasked.

I'm still trying to get my head around my Mother leaving me home alone as a very small child. Trying to reconcile the mother act, the involved, protective mother with the truth about the mother I had when no one could see.

8Jun/200

Cupcakes for Victory

I'm always behind the cool kids. It takes me ages, usually, to decide to follow a trend. Baking while sheltering on place is over of those tends. Today I made cupcakes.

They're not awesome, it wasn't a recipe I'd made several times before CK discovered she's gluten intolerant, so I can't really account for how the change of flour affected it. I'm trying another more familiar recipe later this week or next. My buttercream really did not come out well.

More students asked if I'd facilitate a discussion about the yoga of social justice. It honestly is so far out of my comfort zone, really into discomfort around correcting women my Mother's age. At the same time I recognize I'm being asked because I'm trusted.

It also is a powerful act I can take as a white woman to help educate older adults about dismantling racism. It's begging a better ally if I can be in this discomfort.

30May/200

I Can’t Breathe

The last words of another African American, George Floyd, as police officers were killing him.

The Mayor put out an 8pm curfew order in Portland to stop the protests against police violence. Around 7:30, thirty minutes ahead of curfew, police began using massive amounts of tear gas to kettle protestors at the river.

CK and I watched a reporter Livestream for a while until we couldn't bear watching people scream and run from cops in riot gear and walls of gas.

The CDC website notes that 1,264 people died from COVID19 in the past day.

I'm amazed I made more food for us today. Dinner 77 was pretty basic, but got the job done.

There is no photo for those post. I spent too many minutes trying to find something there isn't anything that feels appropriate at this time.

28May/200

One Hundred Thousand and Counting

Today the Memorial Day reporting lull came to an end and the CDC officially reports 100,446 dead in the USA due to COVID19.

There have been yet more black people killed by police. I feel like there’s a new death almost daily from police violence.

Minneapolis is on fire in places, particularly Precinct 3 where the four officers involved with the killing were based at. A white police man knelt on the neck of a black man who then died, George Floyd was his name.

Tonight we wondered together of all summer there will be escalating riots, on both sides. I know where the police will stand, on the side of the right wing demanding to be served again, and it’s sickening.

I don’t even know how to hold it all.

I watered the plants. I recorded a video to send out Sunday. I feed us again.

I made art with George Floyd’s name and this terrible number. I ordered groceries to sustain two households. I rubbed CK’s feet to help her sleep, we’re both feeling very anxious. In the morning I’ll teach yoga.

25May/200

Masks as Political Statements

Despite not pushing myself, taking breaks, and trying to move mindfully while gardening yesterday, my pain level had been very high today. I was really grateful I took the day off and this morning CK and I played video games while moving slowly.

I got some lettuce and kale planted for us.

We talked about the horrible white woman in Central Park off and on. I'm feeling pretty disheartened between her and a friend sharing she was harassed for wearing a mask at her local market.

"Rural is angry.", she noted about it.

My head hurts, mostly allergy related, butt partly the day's accumulated anger. My heart hurts, how can so many people believe wearing a mask to be protective of others and self is a political statement.

But it's 2020 and here we are.

24May/200

Gardening for Hope

I got another raised bed prepped today! Tomorrow I can plant some lettuce and kale starts CK has waiting.

We've been dealing with home repair issues too. Our washing machine needs a new cord. We've managed to diagnose the issue and next weekend will fix it. We got it running fine, we think part the problem is the outlet.

This simple stuff has been good to bring focus on what is most needed. Or top priority is our well-being.

"Us first."

We started saying this after getting my Mother out of our home and lives. She'd done her level best to undermine and destroy what we'd built together, but we're stronger.

That said, these pandemic days are far more frightening than family drama. This is saying something given what a horror show my family was.

We're at nearly 100,000 people dead of COVID19 in the USA.