Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

Shrubbery and Meltdowns

I trimmed our camellia hedge line today. High. Too high without having discussed it with CK first. It removes some privacy.

Her response, she considered to be moderate, to me felt big. I felt like a complete failure and spent hours at the edge of weeping.

Therapy yesterday didn't seem like it was terribly hard. Yes, it is a terrible memory of my feeling terrified and unsafe with the caregiver my Mother left me with, but it's also one I know. Yes, the details are very hard and yet, it feels like it is all a known quantity.

So what's with the therapy hangover today! That's the only thing that makes my emotional meltdown make sense.

I'm still feeling pretty lousy, kind of emotionally wrung out. I'm also feeling sore from wrestling with our arborvitae hedgerow. After massively trimming I raked out debris under the whole area then lay down soaker hoses. The arborvitae particularly have been unhappy and we want to get some deep watering of them. The overgrowth made it less than fun.

The emo feels; the "I'm a failure" feels, also didn't make the day much fun.

Despite wearing long sleeves, pants, gloves, and socks that came up over my ankles, I still got my arms scratched up and found bits of arborvitae in my bra and undies. I also discovered that my newly curly hair, also COVID long, seems to grab way more detritus in it than my straight hair ever did.

Not my favorite Wednesday. I am glad the watering is working. I cautiously like the trimming. Thinking about blooming, ornamental grasses that grow tall to plant on the other side, between roses, to provide more privacy and interest.