15Aug/080
Hot
Portland rarely gets above 100, but today was one of those days. It would have been a good day to work in the office in the AC but after yesterday I felt so depleted I wanted to work from home. By noon I was down in the basement trying to keep cool.
I ended the afternoon feeling cranky and irritated. My headache from last night had moved along my right sinuses and now hurt into my teeth. I had cramps and just generally didn't feel very well at all. I was stuck on a problem at work and hadn't made nearly the progress I wanted to. In making what progress I had, in addition to being on the phone with my boss unexpectedly, I made myself late for an early movie plan with CK.
I met her at the house, AM driving me over since it was really too hot for me to be bicycling especially since I didn't feel very well already. When I got into the flat I pet Atari and then felt the need to lay down on the bed. I sprawled onto the bed, turning the sore side of my face into the darkness of a pillow. CK arrived soon afterward. We had a tense moment over my not recognizing, respecting the time and how that is very important to her.
I felt like I had tried as hard as I could and still wasn't good enough. Ultimately I just felt overwhelmed, emotionally chafed raw, and my head throbbed into my right molars & jaw. I finally said I was just going to lay down while she worked some more. At that point I took some ibuprofen to help with my headache and gave in to the desire to just lay down. I tried to explain it, that I just felt I needed to rest a little bit to do better, but I know it wasn't very skillful.
She came over to the bed and we arranged things to be able to see her computer. We watched several presentations at TED, all of them excellent. Then she motivated us to go over to Lloyd and we watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It was enjoyable to sit in the cool cinema with her, holding hands and eating far too much salty popcorn. I liked the music in the movie, the lush gardens and art & architecture that served as the backdrop. After the movie we picked up another fan and several bottles of wine; super-chilling a dry Riesling to have at home.
I need to learn how to ask her when time is important so I'm more mindful of moving things along. I just feel so depleted in so many ways that I'm operating at a much lower level of awareness that I usually do. I think this is why I ran into the car door last night while getting my phone and have managed to hit myself in the face a couple of times with things I'm carrying. The grief and anger create so much noise in the signal.
I felt angry today. The buzz of irritation. The heat seemed to intensify it too, creating additional static. It doesn't actually feel more energetic than the grief. In some ways it feels less so, the apathy the anger induces. To just throw up my hands in disgust with the world and just go read a silly novel, to sulk, to sleep. The grief feels more energetic, more dynamic perhaps because it touches into the fear and shame.
Somehow it feels easier to be angry than present with the sadness. Perhaps it is because the anger has elements of withdrawal. It is easy to move away from the enormity of the grief, even if it is to move into sleep. Anger pulls me towards the desire to distract myself.
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