Job, Life… Whew!
In December something exciting happened. I was offered a job. There was a little moment on one day where I was close to three offers, but in the end two companies pulled out and made my decision really easy.
Right now I'm a contractor, but the plan all along was to interview someone, bring them on board right away and hire them permanently. I'm in a strange limbo where we're essentially trying out the position. The company is checking me out and I'm seeing how I like it there. Unlike most contractors at the company my boss has set up weekly one-on-one meetings with me and I have my own office.
I'm kind of on pins and needles about it. I don't want a "try on" period, I already know I love it there. I still am a little dazed at having this job appear "out of nowhere" (I was contacted by a recruiter). There's a little part of me that is worried about letting on just how thrilled I am for fear it will somehow "jinx it". (yes, pure irrationality).
The downside is a rather substantial commute; 35 minutes in the best traffic and nearly 90 minutes at the worst so far (for me, by Portland standards, that's bad). In order to beat some of the worst of the traffic I've been getting there between 7 and 7:30 which means waking at 5:30. It is also a bit of a shock to my body to get back into the routine of sitting at a desk for many hours a day, several days a week. I've been pretty dead tired since starting in mid-December.
Really though, I am just thrilled beyond words. It is the one area of IT that I'd still enjoy working in, which is to say the thing I'm a geek about. The team is great and they work as a team; there are people to support me! I'm being paid very well, in fact so well that it kind of weirds me out (yeah, seriously... more therapy fodder that one).
Did I mention there's a gym on site with free towel service? Free yoga classes (which aren't too bad). The Commons (where the gym is) also has a cafeteria with a decent salad bar (featuring three kinds of legumes and seasoned tofu) and I had a pretty good, made-to-order Thai-style curry last week.
There's also several ponds, walking trails, and an active wetlands habitat for birds (multiple kinds of herons, ducks, geese, etc.). Really, the job thing is pretty awesome and I'll feel so enormously relieved when this "try out" period of being a contractor is over.
And here's a view of the stroll back to my office (yes, really, my OWN office with a door and everything) one morning after getting a latte at the Commons. The coffee... well, it isn't bad but I do miss being close to really awesome coffee.
Morning Coffee Walk
Honeymoon Road Trip
A dear friend of ours is getting married next September and we really want to be at his wedding in Kansas City, Missouri. Since we never were able to take a honeymoon after our own wedding we've been considering a big trip in 2011. However, since we really don't feel like facing the choice between naked x-rays or groping it means that right now a return trip to the Big Island is not possible.
Today we hit upon an idea to take a fairly epic road trip this September. We'll leave the day before our first anniversary and make our way to Kansas City and then back to Portland via a different route. We're looking at hitting several National Parks along the way and splitting up time between hotels and camping. We'll have a lot of logistics to sort out, especially friends to house sit for us while we're gone (perhaps several friends splitting up all that time), but we've got a while to plan.
Our idea so far:
- Portland, Oregon to Boise, Idaho (hotel night)
- Boise, Idaho to Yellowstone National Park via Grand Teton (camping night)
- Full day at Yellowstone (camping night)
- Yellowstone to the Hill City, South Dakota (Mt. Rushmore/Crazy Horse Memorial) (camping night)
- Hill City, South Dakota to Interior, South Dakota (Badlands National Park) (camping night)
- Interior, South Dakota to Omaha, Nebraska (hotel night)
- Omaha, Nebraska to Kansas City, Missouri - Time in Missouri to help the happy couple get ready for the wedding (hotel night)
- Wedding in Missouri! (hotel night)
- Kansas City, Missouri to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (hotel night)
- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to Albuquerque, New Mexico (hotel night, most likely)
- Day to explore Albuquerque (hotel night, most likely)
- Albuquerque, New Mexico to Grand Canyon National Park (camping night)
- Day to explore Grand Canyon (camping night)
- Grand Canyon National Park to Death Valley National Park (camping night)
- Death Valley National Park to Sacramento, California via Inyo National Forest (staying w/family)
- Day in Sacramento (if both of us can take a couple of extra days from work) (staying w/family)
- Sacramento, California back to Portland, Oregon
All told that's four National Parks, a wedding, a few new cities, and a visit with CK's family!
We need advice!!! If you have thoughts about places to see, vegan restaurants to hit up, short hikes to take (especially in Death Valley), and other suggestions either leave them in the comments or email them to one of us. We're checking out some travel guides, so if you have favorites let us know those too.
Check out the map!
View September Road Trip in a larger map
The Family We Choose
In my 20s I was involved with someone, A, who had a daughter, DW, with a friend of his. It wasn't planned and he didn't really want to be a father. In fact, I only found out about her after he and I had been going out for a while. There came a time when her mother wasn't capable of providing a secure home for DW and A felt pressured to step in to obtain custody.
It was a rather quick, but unpleasant custody battle. In the middle of it all A and I got married. DW became my step-daughter when she was 4 and I was 25. DW hardly ever saw her biological mother again. Ultimately DW's mother committed suicide when DW was 14.
When I was 30, despite enormous misgivings around DW's well being, I decided that the relationship between her father and I was really unhealthy for me. I also felt that the unhealthy state of the marriage was not a good environment for DW. I was desperately depressed and my anxiety was so intense that I'd gone on medication for it.
DW was devastated by this change of events. We talked about it and she wanted reassurance that I wasn't divorcing her. She felt like it was her fault, as children often feel during a divorce. I let her know over and over again that the problems were between her father and I, that it wasn't her fault, and that I would do my best to remain a part of her life.
Things were really hard for a while, a few years in fact. DW spiraled into all kinds of unhealthy behavior. I kept trying to get through to her that while she was a minor my being her "Mom" was wholly contingent upon her father going along with it. That her choices were jeopardizing any help I could offer, particularly if she were injured in any way. I was heartbroken when I finally told her that she had to live with her father for a time until she could have honest communication with me. She was furious.
While she was living with her father DW ran away. She was 13.
I was utterly, completely devastated and as an adult who was not her biological nor adopted parent, and having divorced her father no longer even a step-parent, I had no legal recourse to demand to be involved in all that followed she was eventually picked up by the police. I was convinced that it was all my fault. I felt like the worst person in the world for having so grievously failed DW. More than anything else that I've been through in my life, these events are what finally drove me to seek therapy.
I would barely see or hear from DW for a few years. The incredibly strained relationship with her father meant that he quite often didn't think it was important to share information with me. When she was closer to leaving mandated treatment and group home I was asked to join a meeting with the DW and her father. She was incredibly angry when I said that I wasn't ready to just open my home to her unless she could agree to adhere to some ethical behaviors. When she left treatment at 16 she went back to live with her father and saw me infrequently.
DW made a dangerous choice in her life when she was 18. Once again it was terribly painful for me to watch her while she struggled. Even more painful to try and set my own boundaries knowing that DW felt let down by my response.
Now she's just about 5 months shy of her 21st birthday and has completely turned her life around. It admirable and a great joy to see her grow into the ethical, responsible, compassionate human I would glimpse often during her childhood. We've grown a lot closer this past year and it has meant so much to me to share her life. I feel very proud for her accomplishments, all the hard work she's done to be person she chooses to be now.
Now that DW's an adult I've shared more with her, opened up about things she felt I was withholding from her as a child. I admit to her honestly that I was withholding, but not because I didn't think she was old enough to know or didn't trust her. It is a relief to me that she is able to understand that I withheld things from her because I didn't want to color her young mind with my feelings toward her father. I wanted to treat DW and her father ethically, no matter how painful it was for me to have her feel like I wouldn't talk to her.
DW still calls me "Mom" and has told me that I'm the only one who really tried to be her mother. She just refers to her biological mother by her name, never "mom". Neither of us bother to explain our complicated relationship to people when they exclaim at the idea that I could have a nearly 21-year old daughter. If I'd had her when I was 20 it would be true. I didn't, but that doesn't really matter to either of us. We are the family we choose to be and that is no less compelling or important than biology.
We laugh a little when people remark upon our looking similar.
Gratitude 2010
I really enjoy Thanksgiving and not just for the fabulous food. I love the idea of enjoying the fruits of the harvest right as winter draws near. I love sharing the day and the meal with loved-ones. I also particularly enjoy reflecting upon those things I am truly grateful for.
This year I decided to participate in a little letter writing project. The challenge was to make a list of 10 things you are grateful for in your life and to write a little about each thing. I decided to include a photograph for each item on the letters I'll be printing and mailing out this week. I enjoyed producing this list a lot and it seemed like a really good thing to add to my blog.
Halloween 2010!
1. My Health
I am currently 41 years old and thus far have managed to beat the odds stacked against me. Unlike all of the other women in my family I do not take any medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or anything else related to heart-health. Nearly all of the women in my family were taking daily medication at my age. I also am only a little bit overweight, no longer morbidly obese. Although I do have chronic pain in my back from degenerative disc disease, it doesn’t prevent me from taking long walks, going on strenuous hikes, riding my bicycle, swimming, or practicing yoga. Moreover I have access to, and the ability to pay for vitamins, supplements and medication whenever I need it.
I'm in red and CK is in the snappy suit
2. My Wife
It has been a long journey to find my way to sharing my life with an amazing spouse. She is my best friend, my biggest ally, and an absolute inspiration. It is still hard. We live in a country that doesn’t recognize our marriage and the state we reside in passed a constitutional amendment a few years ago that defines “marriage” as something only a man and a woman may do. Despite all these limitations and refusals to recognize what is true, we held our wedding this past September regardless (that’s us just after the ceremony which took place in a park near our home). We may not be able to say we are “legally” wed, yet, so we announced that we are “lovingly” wed until the time when the laws catch up to our civil rights.
Our home with a little snow
3. Our Home
In a world where many people do not have a safe place to rest, we enjoy the amazing luxury of owning our own home (well, we have the ability to make mortgage payments). The two of us share our 3 bedrooms, living/dining room, bathroom, kitchen, and partially finished basement (where we have a TV if we want to watch a movie) with our 4 animal companions. Compared to much of the world we have a ridiculous amount of space in which we can accumulate countless books, enjoy my Grandmother’s china set, and decorate with any number of pieces of artwork we have collected. We also have a very large lot and are able to plant a large vegetable garden. Really, it is an amazing blessing even when there are all the tedious details and work of being home owners.
Photo by Kris Arnold
4. Access to clean water
I live in a city that is dotted with beautiful fountains. The downtown area features several public drinking fountains donated by a city founder in 1912. Water, safe water is everywhere. While we have easy access I am aware of places where children are sent miles on foot with 5 gallon buckets to get water for the day. They make these trips more than once in a day in some cases. Lack of access to clean water leads to all kinds of suffering and is such a simple, obvious blessing. (These are some of the “Benson Bubblers” near City Hall in Portland.)
Gorgeous display at the Farmers Market!
5. Access to a multitude of wholesome foods
Much of the world has inadequate food and people manage to eek out desperate lives on less than one USD $1 a day. Conversely, in many places people have access to calories, but not wholesome food. There are many areas that are veritable food deserts. Places where only a “convenience” store or a fast food establishment are the only options to get food. I am profoundly grateful for access to all kinds of wholesome, fresh foods. Not only do I have my choice of farmers markets during many months of the year, but I also have the ability to travel outside of my city to farm stands to buy produce. We receive a delivery of organic produce nearly every week. We also have a large vegetable garden in our yard. (pictured is the display at the farmers market)
image by @pdxdiver
6. Choice
I consider myself very fortunate to be able to make many choices in my life. I can send our my resumes to companies that both interest me and fit my skills. I have sufficient skills to find employment that allows me to choose where I life, choose the food I eat, pay easily for clothing, heat, water, electricity, and have access to all kinds of entertainment. Moreover I am able to participate in elections and I have a say as to what happens to my body. I am allowed an enormous number of choices in my life.
CK trying to get space to nap!
7. Our Animal Companions
I feel tremendously grateful to be able to have animal companions to share my life with. I am also grateful to be able to spend money to make sure they are healthy and have access to wholesome food best suited to them. One of our kitties has a minor health problem and requires special food; it is such a relief that we’re able to afford to do this for him. In return they provide us with hours of affection, entertainment, and connection. We currently have four cats and hope to eventually have a dog.
Pictured, from the top down (my wife trying to have a nap with Zonker, Puck, Oberon, and Phoebe to keep her warm)
Some friends at our wedding.
8. My Friends/Community
I am really blessed to be surrounded by compassionate, loving, intelligent, funny, giving, amazing people. At times they have been more of my “family” than those people related to me by genetic ties. They provide me with support, good ideas, wisdom, and at times they have the courage to tell me when I’m wrong!
When we put together the guest list for our wedding we were both touched at realizing just how many close, wonderful friends we have in our community. Pictured are some of the friends and family at our wedding.
Gorgeous Autumn Afternoon
9. My City
I live in Portland, Oregon. There have been very few places that I’ve ever considered moving to. I have lived in a handful of other places, but while doing so I longed to return to Portland. It is an amazing place filled with creative people, great food, bookstores, parks, trees, and lots of beauty. In general people are friendly and giving with their resources. I love my city.
Picture of Portland taken in a small park downtown, Director Park, recently.
Photo by Scott Mills
10. Books
I learned to read at a rather precocious age. The ability to pick up an object and have it tell me a story was magical. Books were my first and best friends as a child. They were both a refuge during unstable times and a constant source of knowledge. Books told me things about the world no family member would. As much as I love the Internet and the promise of instant information it fulfills, books will always be an important part of my life and my home will always be filled with them.
The photo shows a long view of the incomparable Powell's Books in Portland - I've been going there since I was old enough to be allowed on public transportation by myself!
The Nay-Sayers
I didn't intend to write a strong statement about National Breast Cancer Awareness month and then say nothing else. I've actually had all kinds of ideas kicking around my mind to write about this past month, but I've been sick and have had some job interviews. Then there are the home improvement plans that are underway (new furnace, advanced weatherization). These plans require that we pack up and store most of the furniture and stuff on the first floor. I also got my new food blog as well as the total revamp of this blog up with CK's considerable help.
So it has been busy since I posted about breast cancer. I realize that I rather glad it worked out this way. My statement against the national pinkwashing that breast cancer awareness has become stood there for the whole of the month of October. It has been an interesting experience putting myself out there with that post.
I've been absolutely stunned at the overwhelmingly positive response my post has received. In addition to comments on the blog itself, I have received compliments on Facebook, Twitter and during a phone call with a technology recruiting agency. I have received a lot of appreciation for making so firm and courageous statement. I've been thanked for saying something many people have felt, but have been afraid to express for fear of negative push back.
That brings me right to "The Nay-Sayers", those people who did not agree with my viewpoint. There have been a handful of these people and I want to acknowledge that a small minority disagreed with me. You can see the comments attached to my post, some were made on Facebook.
Some merely commented that they thought the bit of fun from a Facebook meme used to remind people that breast cancer is still out there, still scary was totally wanted. Humor helps us to find strength in the face of fear. Humor helps many patients, my Mom included, get through the ugliness of breast cancer. Fair enough.
Another person said that so long as pink ribbons on ridiculous products saved one woman's breast than it is worth it. Honestly, I don't have a lot to say about that other than to point at the message some of those pink products are sending and more importantly, look at where the money goes.
Then there's the more strident detractors. To date there's been three people who've posted rather seriously negative stuff to the blog. I moderate and approve all comments and when the first of these came in, I'd hoped to respond directly to the sender but found that her comment resolved to a blocked Blogger account. Each of the more seriously negative comments have had this kind of anonymous post; a first name but no real way to connect to the person (essentially anonymous).
I have devoted a fair amount of time considering how to respond to them (if at all) and wondering if I should even post these comments at all. One of the negative comments came complete with what I feel is a rather mean-spirited comment about the person who had posted a link to my blog on her Facebook page (I've removed this bit from her comment). All of these comments have lead me to consider how I want to handle them going forth. In fact, you'll notice on the new blog an email address is required to post comments. I've also published a disclaimer and my policy regarding comments.
Ultimately I decided to post these three comments I've been holding. You can go wade through all the comments to find them if you want. I've also decided that although I did publish them, I'm not responding directly to these comments.
What I will say is that I'm all for reminding people to take care of themselves. I'm all for supporting our loved ones who survived, like my Mother (emphasis as a reminder to those people who somehow missed that I'm the daughter of a two-time breast cancer survivor). I'm equally for remembering all of those people who have not survived (including several of my friends' mothers). I'm emphatically for publicizing this disease and taking away any stigma associated with anyone who is struggling with cancer of any kind. Or frankly any kind of stigma associated with fighting any grave illness.
I'm really not that bothered by anyone being "proudly pink", as one person said. Whatever. Just don't expect me to go out and buy myself a case of bottled water (or anything else for that matter) with pink ribbons on it to support "awareness".
I think we have spent a hell of a lot of money on "awareness" while the efforts to understand WHY have been underfunded, at worst, and uncoordinated, at best. Yes, there is a whole lot of funding that goes to treatment, curing breast cancer, and that's great. I'm all for finding better treatments that don't disfigure and poison patients.
That said, funding more "awareness" avoids my question: Why is breast cancer still so common after all this awareness has been raised?
Buying "awareness" does not bring us any closer to understanding why. I'd like to see the same level of energy dedicated to "awareness" directed toward understanding and eradicating the causes.
I'd like answers, not more "awareness".
When my Critic is Quiet
This weekend's retreat was unsurprisingly powerful and emotional. I felt very strongly supported by my Portland friends, something CK helped to remind me of by prompting some friends to send me very positive text messages on my way out to Great Vow, and by the Sangha there. Looking back at the weekend I can see the many ways the residents at Great Vow were supporting and helping me through a retreat I came to very reluctantly.
One thing I figured out that was good to learn are the times when my Critic is silent. That critical voice or sensation in my body is so often present that it feels like I am never with out it. However, when a Dharma sister from our Portland program and I agreed to talk about when it isn't there, since the conversation was shorter, she helped me to see two times when I am utterly free from this feeling.
Unsurprisingly cooking was one of those times. When I am engaged in preparing food there is no critical voice. I am merely present to the activity of my hands, the timing of the cooking, and the food I am transforming. When I serve a new dish to someone the voice comes back, but most of the time I'm pretty confident that what I've prepared will be delicious.
I also realized that when I teach yoga there is no Critic. Even if I am anxious or terribly upset right up until the very moment I begin a class, once I start to teach the voice goes away and I am present and alert. When I transmit the Lineage of Yoga there is no space for the Inner Critic. None.
It was good to connect with these two times when I am clear and free of my Inner Critic. Now I'm wondering when else it is gone!
This Fleeting World
Today afforded me the opportunity to practice with impermanence again. In this fleeting world each day offers us this chance, some days are just more dramatic than others. Today was one of those dramatic days. This afternoon CK and I were with Atari as he passed away.
His health hasn't been good really much in his life, the past four and a half years particularly so. We were now looking at trying to treat diabetes in a cat who couldn't be handled enough for the vet to perform a full exam. He's been uncomfortable, unhappy, and nothing that has been done, or could be done, would give him consistent quality of life. He would have a few, fortunate days strung together between days of tremendous anxiety, pain, fear, and the resulting aggression.
Of equal importance in my mind today was a close college friend having surgery - a total hysterectomy and "debulking" of cancerous tumors. They found that she has ovarian cancer that has caused cervical cancer as well. Given my history of growing up with the fear around Mom's several bouts with cancer, including cervical cancer, and other major illnesses, hearing someone has cancer always brings some echo, no matter how small, of the deep fear I felt for her as a child.
Last night I felt my voice desert me for a moment when I came to her JAD's name on the merit list while I was chanting service after zazen. I felt my words halting and catching, revealing the Love that causes my voice to shake. For a moment after service, during tea & cookies, I felt as though I would start weeping for JAD and Atari, for CK and I, for all the names on the list in my hands and for all the people who have added those names. I was enormously relieved to find a short, but positive update from her husband had been posted when CK and I returned from the vet with our sadly empty pet carrier this afternoon.
Over the past several days I've been considering that although we can come to intimately know the truth of impermanence that knowing does nothing to alleviate the sadness impermanence visits upon us. Regardless of this knowing, this certainty of sorrow, we go into life with an open, loving heart. This is the essence of Love. This is the rich ground where we are able to cultivate the fearless compassion necessary to offer one another as we face changes, illness, and losses together.
We sink down into the inescapable truths of the Five Remembrances and embrace the certainty of our own suffering. This is what it is to be fully engaged and present in our life. In On Love from The Prophet it is written that some choose not to fully live, preferring to avoid how Love is a thorough shaking of our deepest roots. This may feel safe, however, in choosing to avoid the vulnerability of loving fully we are doomed to never laugh all of our laughter nor weep all of our tears.
It is the hard, messy facts of Love that crowd in around us and require us to become fully present to life. CK commented to me tonight that it is easy to be present for the good stuff, but how important it was to her that I am willing to be present for the really awful stuff. All I know is that I feel grateful to be present for the hard stuff, together.
It is only in being open to Love, the the desperate, beautiful impermanence of it that we can really say we are truly present with our own life. When we become fully present we are able, finally, to weep all of our tears and laugh all of our laughter.
The Five Remembrances
I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health.
There is no way to escape having ill health.
I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone
I love are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being
Separated from them.
I inherit the results of my actions of body, speech and mind.
My actions are my continuation.
Taken from The World We Have: A Buddhist Approach to Peace and Ecology
Centered, but in Molasses
I saw GM today and talked, ranted and let out all the stuff I'd been working on these past couple of weeks. I went back and forth between me and how stuff happening with CK left me feeling. In learning what are OK responses, I worry that sometimes I'm over-reacting to things, being over-protective or reactive.
I finally wound round to talking about what had come up during zazen last week. I noted now it felt different, that I didn't literally feel the world shift. Sometimes when memories slip in or a flashback happens it feels as though I've lost my balance, physically, for real. That the flashbacks can be auditory or even recall a physical sensation adds to the disorientation they cause.
She said it almost sounded like my brain had made a conclusion about things, about what happened after my memories suddenly come to a stop, "the film runs out" is how I describe it. The way my brain my settled, knew, no longer questioned and hypothesized. She called it huge insight and pointed at how way that zazen is a place where my mind knows I am safe so it is free and quiet enough to have these kinds of realizations.
GW thought it very significant that I seem balanced when I've had my yoga schedule going on, work being very busy, the relationship building with CK and the relationship re-shaping with AM, add on top of this processing abuse from my childhood. She said she was relieved in a way that I feel tired, she said it would have been more worrisome if I wasn't tired.
GW said something interesting. She feels that I am doing so much with the yoga on top of my Zen practice. In many cases she would be counseling someone on making a poor choice, but I don't go out 5 nights a week drinking. I have 5 days a week that include deep yoga practice, 1-2 days a week of Zen practice with sangha. I devote this time, and I did note that I find myself exhausted at this third-way point of my yoga training, to things that support me.
I laughed when she said she felt like in spite of it all I was balanced, centered, and making progress still. I responded (ever quick to lessen a compliment) that I was doing so in molasses. Slow progress.
Maybe not as slow I as call it either. I told her about metta practice, about being able to consistently offer it to myself after having the insight moment during zazen. I still haven't talked with HB about this, about being able to stay with myself. It also occurred to me how today I was able to tell GM about the moment in zazen, to talk about the certainty of it. To talk to any degree, even indirectly about the sexual abuse during my early childhood without collapsing into choked silence, muscle spasms and fear is significantly changed from last summer.