Job, Life… Whew!
In December something exciting happened. I was offered a job. There was a little moment on one day where I was close to three offers, but in the end two companies pulled out and made my decision really easy.
Right now I'm a contractor, but the plan all along was to interview someone, bring them on board right away and hire them permanently. I'm in a strange limbo where we're essentially trying out the position. The company is checking me out and I'm seeing how I like it there. Unlike most contractors at the company my boss has set up weekly one-on-one meetings with me and I have my own office.
I'm kind of on pins and needles about it. I don't want a "try on" period, I already know I love it there. I still am a little dazed at having this job appear "out of nowhere" (I was contacted by a recruiter). There's a little part of me that is worried about letting on just how thrilled I am for fear it will somehow "jinx it". (yes, pure irrationality).
The downside is a rather substantial commute; 35 minutes in the best traffic and nearly 90 minutes at the worst so far (for me, by Portland standards, that's bad). In order to beat some of the worst of the traffic I've been getting there between 7 and 7:30 which means waking at 5:30. It is also a bit of a shock to my body to get back into the routine of sitting at a desk for many hours a day, several days a week. I've been pretty dead tired since starting in mid-December.
Really though, I am just thrilled beyond words. It is the one area of IT that I'd still enjoy working in, which is to say the thing I'm a geek about. The team is great and they work as a team; there are people to support me! I'm being paid very well, in fact so well that it kind of weirds me out (yeah, seriously... more therapy fodder that one).
Did I mention there's a gym on site with free towel service? Free yoga classes (which aren't too bad). The Commons (where the gym is) also has a cafeteria with a decent salad bar (featuring three kinds of legumes and seasoned tofu) and I had a pretty good, made-to-order Thai-style curry last week.
There's also several ponds, walking trails, and an active wetlands habitat for birds (multiple kinds of herons, ducks, geese, etc.). Really, the job thing is pretty awesome and I'll feel so enormously relieved when this "try out" period of being a contractor is over.
And here's a view of the stroll back to my office (yes, really, my OWN office with a door and everything) one morning after getting a latte at the Commons. The coffee... well, it isn't bad but I do miss being close to really awesome coffee.
Morning Coffee Walk
Honeymoon Road Trip
A dear friend of ours is getting married next September and we really want to be at his wedding in Kansas City, Missouri. Since we never were able to take a honeymoon after our own wedding we've been considering a big trip in 2011. However, since we really don't feel like facing the choice between naked x-rays or groping it means that right now a return trip to the Big Island is not possible.
Today we hit upon an idea to take a fairly epic road trip this September. We'll leave the day before our first anniversary and make our way to Kansas City and then back to Portland via a different route. We're looking at hitting several National Parks along the way and splitting up time between hotels and camping. We'll have a lot of logistics to sort out, especially friends to house sit for us while we're gone (perhaps several friends splitting up all that time), but we've got a while to plan.
Our idea so far:
- Portland, Oregon to Boise, Idaho (hotel night)
- Boise, Idaho to Yellowstone National Park via Grand Teton (camping night)
- Full day at Yellowstone (camping night)
- Yellowstone to the Hill City, South Dakota (Mt. Rushmore/Crazy Horse Memorial) (camping night)
- Hill City, South Dakota to Interior, South Dakota (Badlands National Park) (camping night)
- Interior, South Dakota to Omaha, Nebraska (hotel night)
- Omaha, Nebraska to Kansas City, Missouri - Time in Missouri to help the happy couple get ready for the wedding (hotel night)
- Wedding in Missouri! (hotel night)
- Kansas City, Missouri to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (hotel night)
- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to Albuquerque, New Mexico (hotel night, most likely)
- Day to explore Albuquerque (hotel night, most likely)
- Albuquerque, New Mexico to Grand Canyon National Park (camping night)
- Day to explore Grand Canyon (camping night)
- Grand Canyon National Park to Death Valley National Park (camping night)
- Death Valley National Park to Sacramento, California via Inyo National Forest (staying w/family)
- Day in Sacramento (if both of us can take a couple of extra days from work) (staying w/family)
- Sacramento, California back to Portland, Oregon
All told that's four National Parks, a wedding, a few new cities, and a visit with CK's family!
We need advice!!! If you have thoughts about places to see, vegan restaurants to hit up, short hikes to take (especially in Death Valley), and other suggestions either leave them in the comments or email them to one of us. We're checking out some travel guides, so if you have favorites let us know those too.
Check out the map!
View September Road Trip in a larger map
The Family We Choose
In my 20s I was involved with someone, A, who had a daughter, DW, with a friend of his. It wasn't planned and he didn't really want to be a father. In fact, I only found out about her after he and I had been going out for a while. There came a time when her mother wasn't capable of providing a secure home for DW and A felt pressured to step in to obtain custody.
It was a rather quick, but unpleasant custody battle. In the middle of it all A and I got married. DW became my step-daughter when she was 4 and I was 25. DW hardly ever saw her biological mother again. Ultimately DW's mother committed suicide when DW was 14.
When I was 30, despite enormous misgivings around DW's well being, I decided that the relationship between her father and I was really unhealthy for me. I also felt that the unhealthy state of the marriage was not a good environment for DW. I was desperately depressed and my anxiety was so intense that I'd gone on medication for it.
DW was devastated by this change of events. We talked about it and she wanted reassurance that I wasn't divorcing her. She felt like it was her fault, as children often feel during a divorce. I let her know over and over again that the problems were between her father and I, that it wasn't her fault, and that I would do my best to remain a part of her life.
Things were really hard for a while, a few years in fact. DW spiraled into all kinds of unhealthy behavior. I kept trying to get through to her that while she was a minor my being her "Mom" was wholly contingent upon her father going along with it. That her choices were jeopardizing any help I could offer, particularly if she were injured in any way. I was heartbroken when I finally told her that she had to live with her father for a time until she could have honest communication with me. She was furious.
While she was living with her father DW ran away. She was 13.
I was utterly, completely devastated and as an adult who was not her biological nor adopted parent, and having divorced her father no longer even a step-parent, I had no legal recourse to demand to be involved in all that followed she was eventually picked up by the police. I was convinced that it was all my fault. I felt like the worst person in the world for having so grievously failed DW. More than anything else that I've been through in my life, these events are what finally drove me to seek therapy.
I would barely see or hear from DW for a few years. The incredibly strained relationship with her father meant that he quite often didn't think it was important to share information with me. When she was closer to leaving mandated treatment and group home I was asked to join a meeting with the DW and her father. She was incredibly angry when I said that I wasn't ready to just open my home to her unless she could agree to adhere to some ethical behaviors. When she left treatment at 16 she went back to live with her father and saw me infrequently.
DW made a dangerous choice in her life when she was 18. Once again it was terribly painful for me to watch her while she struggled. Even more painful to try and set my own boundaries knowing that DW felt let down by my response.
Now she's just about 5 months shy of her 21st birthday and has completely turned her life around. It admirable and a great joy to see her grow into the ethical, responsible, compassionate human I would glimpse often during her childhood. We've grown a lot closer this past year and it has meant so much to me to share her life. I feel very proud for her accomplishments, all the hard work she's done to be person she chooses to be now.
Now that DW's an adult I've shared more with her, opened up about things she felt I was withholding from her as a child. I admit to her honestly that I was withholding, but not because I didn't think she was old enough to know or didn't trust her. It is a relief to me that she is able to understand that I withheld things from her because I didn't want to color her young mind with my feelings toward her father. I wanted to treat DW and her father ethically, no matter how painful it was for me to have her feel like I wouldn't talk to her.
DW still calls me "Mom" and has told me that I'm the only one who really tried to be her mother. She just refers to her biological mother by her name, never "mom". Neither of us bother to explain our complicated relationship to people when they exclaim at the idea that I could have a nearly 21-year old daughter. If I'd had her when I was 20 it would be true. I didn't, but that doesn't really matter to either of us. We are the family we choose to be and that is no less compelling or important than biology.
We laugh a little when people remark upon our looking similar.
Gratitude 2010
I really enjoy Thanksgiving and not just for the fabulous food. I love the idea of enjoying the fruits of the harvest right as winter draws near. I love sharing the day and the meal with loved-ones. I also particularly enjoy reflecting upon those things I am truly grateful for.
This year I decided to participate in a little letter writing project. The challenge was to make a list of 10 things you are grateful for in your life and to write a little about each thing. I decided to include a photograph for each item on the letters I'll be printing and mailing out this week. I enjoyed producing this list a lot and it seemed like a really good thing to add to my blog.
Halloween 2010!
1. My Health
I am currently 41 years old and thus far have managed to beat the odds stacked against me. Unlike all of the other women in my family I do not take any medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or anything else related to heart-health. Nearly all of the women in my family were taking daily medication at my age. I also am only a little bit overweight, no longer morbidly obese. Although I do have chronic pain in my back from degenerative disc disease, it doesn’t prevent me from taking long walks, going on strenuous hikes, riding my bicycle, swimming, or practicing yoga. Moreover I have access to, and the ability to pay for vitamins, supplements and medication whenever I need it.
I'm in red and CK is in the snappy suit
2. My Wife
It has been a long journey to find my way to sharing my life with an amazing spouse. She is my best friend, my biggest ally, and an absolute inspiration. It is still hard. We live in a country that doesn’t recognize our marriage and the state we reside in passed a constitutional amendment a few years ago that defines “marriage” as something only a man and a woman may do. Despite all these limitations and refusals to recognize what is true, we held our wedding this past September regardless (that’s us just after the ceremony which took place in a park near our home). We may not be able to say we are “legally” wed, yet, so we announced that we are “lovingly” wed until the time when the laws catch up to our civil rights.
Our home with a little snow
3. Our Home
In a world where many people do not have a safe place to rest, we enjoy the amazing luxury of owning our own home (well, we have the ability to make mortgage payments). The two of us share our 3 bedrooms, living/dining room, bathroom, kitchen, and partially finished basement (where we have a TV if we want to watch a movie) with our 4 animal companions. Compared to much of the world we have a ridiculous amount of space in which we can accumulate countless books, enjoy my Grandmother’s china set, and decorate with any number of pieces of artwork we have collected. We also have a very large lot and are able to plant a large vegetable garden. Really, it is an amazing blessing even when there are all the tedious details and work of being home owners.
Photo by Kris Arnold
4. Access to clean water
I live in a city that is dotted with beautiful fountains. The downtown area features several public drinking fountains donated by a city founder in 1912. Water, safe water is everywhere. While we have easy access I am aware of places where children are sent miles on foot with 5 gallon buckets to get water for the day. They make these trips more than once in a day in some cases. Lack of access to clean water leads to all kinds of suffering and is such a simple, obvious blessing. (These are some of the “Benson Bubblers” near City Hall in Portland.)
Gorgeous display at the Farmers Market!
5. Access to a multitude of wholesome foods
Much of the world has inadequate food and people manage to eek out desperate lives on less than one USD $1 a day. Conversely, in many places people have access to calories, but not wholesome food. There are many areas that are veritable food deserts. Places where only a “convenience” store or a fast food establishment are the only options to get food. I am profoundly grateful for access to all kinds of wholesome, fresh foods. Not only do I have my choice of farmers markets during many months of the year, but I also have the ability to travel outside of my city to farm stands to buy produce. We receive a delivery of organic produce nearly every week. We also have a large vegetable garden in our yard. (pictured is the display at the farmers market)
image by @pdxdiver
6. Choice
I consider myself very fortunate to be able to make many choices in my life. I can send our my resumes to companies that both interest me and fit my skills. I have sufficient skills to find employment that allows me to choose where I life, choose the food I eat, pay easily for clothing, heat, water, electricity, and have access to all kinds of entertainment. Moreover I am able to participate in elections and I have a say as to what happens to my body. I am allowed an enormous number of choices in my life.
CK trying to get space to nap!
7. Our Animal Companions
I feel tremendously grateful to be able to have animal companions to share my life with. I am also grateful to be able to spend money to make sure they are healthy and have access to wholesome food best suited to them. One of our kitties has a minor health problem and requires special food; it is such a relief that we’re able to afford to do this for him. In return they provide us with hours of affection, entertainment, and connection. We currently have four cats and hope to eventually have a dog.
Pictured, from the top down (my wife trying to have a nap with Zonker, Puck, Oberon, and Phoebe to keep her warm)
Some friends at our wedding.
8. My Friends/Community
I am really blessed to be surrounded by compassionate, loving, intelligent, funny, giving, amazing people. At times they have been more of my “family” than those people related to me by genetic ties. They provide me with support, good ideas, wisdom, and at times they have the courage to tell me when I’m wrong!
When we put together the guest list for our wedding we were both touched at realizing just how many close, wonderful friends we have in our community. Pictured are some of the friends and family at our wedding.
Gorgeous Autumn Afternoon
9. My City
I live in Portland, Oregon. There have been very few places that I’ve ever considered moving to. I have lived in a handful of other places, but while doing so I longed to return to Portland. It is an amazing place filled with creative people, great food, bookstores, parks, trees, and lots of beauty. In general people are friendly and giving with their resources. I love my city.
Picture of Portland taken in a small park downtown, Director Park, recently.
Photo by Scott Mills
10. Books
I learned to read at a rather precocious age. The ability to pick up an object and have it tell me a story was magical. Books were my first and best friends as a child. They were both a refuge during unstable times and a constant source of knowledge. Books told me things about the world no family member would. As much as I love the Internet and the promise of instant information it fulfills, books will always be an important part of my life and my home will always be filled with them.
The photo shows a long view of the incomparable Powell's Books in Portland - I've been going there since I was old enough to be allowed on public transportation by myself!
The Nay-Sayers
I didn't intend to write a strong statement about National Breast Cancer Awareness month and then say nothing else. I've actually had all kinds of ideas kicking around my mind to write about this past month, but I've been sick and have had some job interviews. Then there are the home improvement plans that are underway (new furnace, advanced weatherization). These plans require that we pack up and store most of the furniture and stuff on the first floor. I also got my new food blog as well as the total revamp of this blog up with CK's considerable help.
So it has been busy since I posted about breast cancer. I realize that I rather glad it worked out this way. My statement against the national pinkwashing that breast cancer awareness has become stood there for the whole of the month of October. It has been an interesting experience putting myself out there with that post.
I've been absolutely stunned at the overwhelmingly positive response my post has received. In addition to comments on the blog itself, I have received compliments on Facebook, Twitter and during a phone call with a technology recruiting agency. I have received a lot of appreciation for making so firm and courageous statement. I've been thanked for saying something many people have felt, but have been afraid to express for fear of negative push back.
That brings me right to "The Nay-Sayers", those people who did not agree with my viewpoint. There have been a handful of these people and I want to acknowledge that a small minority disagreed with me. You can see the comments attached to my post, some were made on Facebook.
Some merely commented that they thought the bit of fun from a Facebook meme used to remind people that breast cancer is still out there, still scary was totally wanted. Humor helps us to find strength in the face of fear. Humor helps many patients, my Mom included, get through the ugliness of breast cancer. Fair enough.
Another person said that so long as pink ribbons on ridiculous products saved one woman's breast than it is worth it. Honestly, I don't have a lot to say about that other than to point at the message some of those pink products are sending and more importantly, look at where the money goes.
Then there's the more strident detractors. To date there's been three people who've posted rather seriously negative stuff to the blog. I moderate and approve all comments and when the first of these came in, I'd hoped to respond directly to the sender but found that her comment resolved to a blocked Blogger account. Each of the more seriously negative comments have had this kind of anonymous post; a first name but no real way to connect to the person (essentially anonymous).
I have devoted a fair amount of time considering how to respond to them (if at all) and wondering if I should even post these comments at all. One of the negative comments came complete with what I feel is a rather mean-spirited comment about the person who had posted a link to my blog on her Facebook page (I've removed this bit from her comment). All of these comments have lead me to consider how I want to handle them going forth. In fact, you'll notice on the new blog an email address is required to post comments. I've also published a disclaimer and my policy regarding comments.
Ultimately I decided to post these three comments I've been holding. You can go wade through all the comments to find them if you want. I've also decided that although I did publish them, I'm not responding directly to these comments.
What I will say is that I'm all for reminding people to take care of themselves. I'm all for supporting our loved ones who survived, like my Mother (emphasis as a reminder to those people who somehow missed that I'm the daughter of a two-time breast cancer survivor). I'm equally for remembering all of those people who have not survived (including several of my friends' mothers). I'm emphatically for publicizing this disease and taking away any stigma associated with anyone who is struggling with cancer of any kind. Or frankly any kind of stigma associated with fighting any grave illness.
I'm really not that bothered by anyone being "proudly pink", as one person said. Whatever. Just don't expect me to go out and buy myself a case of bottled water (or anything else for that matter) with pink ribbons on it to support "awareness".
I think we have spent a hell of a lot of money on "awareness" while the efforts to understand WHY have been underfunded, at worst, and uncoordinated, at best. Yes, there is a whole lot of funding that goes to treatment, curing breast cancer, and that's great. I'm all for finding better treatments that don't disfigure and poison patients.
That said, funding more "awareness" avoids my question: Why is breast cancer still so common after all this awareness has been raised?
Buying "awareness" does not bring us any closer to understanding why. I'd like to see the same level of energy dedicated to "awareness" directed toward understanding and eradicating the causes.
I'd like answers, not more "awareness".
Why I’m Not "Going Pink"
Ahhh, October... there's a crisp bite to the air, the leaves have begun to fall, there's 50 pounds of apples in my refrigerator, and I'm once again bombarded by the nauseating pinkness of "National Breast Cancer Awareness Month."
For years it has just been the ever increasing tide of pink consumer crap in the stores, and that has been bad enough. However, for the past two Octobers I've watched cutesy memes take over Facebook. Last year it was women coyly posting the color of their bras in their status updates. When it finally started to come out that bras, therefore, breasts, were the topic at hand I'm sure everyone rushed to donate to the Komen Foundation (more on them later). This year it is the suggestion that we post where we like to put our purses when we get home, e.g., "I like it on the table".
Now, leaving aside my irritation at the assumptions that only women get breast cancer (they don't) or that all women carry purses (they don't), I'm just left with the annoyance that not only does this juvenile status update meme have absolutely nothing to due with breast cancer, but that it uses breast cancer as the reason to make some kind of sexualized joke. How does this puerile humor have anything at all to do with breast cancer? Once again, do you see this kind of nonsense and rush right out to buy something pink or donate money to Komen?
Yes, you might think that I'm being a stick in the mud about this. I mean shouldn't I just lighten up and enjoy the whimsy? Isn't this just a harmless joke used to raise awareness?
To those who might say I'm being shrill and a kill-joy, I say:
Really, is anyone in the western world not aware of breast cancer at this point? Seriously?
If there are people unaware, perhaps it because they are buried under the load of pink consumer crap and juvenile Internet memes that we're bombarded with every October. So much money is spent on enticing us to buy pink M&Ms (yes, really) and BMWs (yes, really) that we're hopefully distracted from the lack of funding that goes to understanding the causes of breast cancer and the utter disorganization of those efforts.
We're so pinkwashed that we hopefully won't notice that many of the companies with products directly related to causing breast cancer are funding our "awareness". Those companies hope that we'll be so charmed by all the pink and whimsy that we won't ask them why the hell they're still producing the crap that is killing us.
Keep in mind that the "National Breast Cancer Awareness Month" was created by a drug company that is now called AstraZeneca. Yes, that's the same company that in addition to producing & hugely profiting off of breast cancer treatment drugs, also profited substantially off the sale of an herbicide known to cause cancer. That alone makes me question all of the happy, cheerful messages designed to raise my "awareness".
I am bashing the Komen Foundation, that sacred pink cow of breast cancer activism, a little bit too. After all, Komen manages to blithely take in thousands in contributions from the very chemical companies who market products that cause breast cancer! They put on these hugely expensive races and events that push mammograms and say nothing about the causes or prevention. This is the very same organization that helps market pink cars while ignoring the powerful link between a chemical produced in the exhaust of cars, benzo(a)-pyrene, that is one of the most powerful carcinogens known and was connected directly to breast cancer by the Peralta Cancer Research Institute in the 1980s. Yeah, go Komen...
What can you do? Well, know your risk and make efforts to reduce it.
- There is a lot of evidence that shows that maintaining a healthy weight, getting regular exercise, having moderate or no alcohol consumption, and following a diet of fresh fruits, vegetables, legumes and whole grains is beneficial.
- Buy organic if possible as many herbicides and pesticides have also been linked to breast and other types of cancer. I totally sympathize to the economic barriers to this suggestion and know this is not an option for a lot of people, but if you can, buy organic.
- There are known links between r-GBH (recombinant bovine growth hormone - used on dairy cows) and breast cancer.
- A healthy vegan diet has many benefits; reducing the risk of cancer is only one of them. Yes, this is one of the many reasons I am vegan.
- Get your vitamin D level checked, particularly if you live in the Pacific Northwest like I do. There have been several studies linking low levels of vitamin D to cancer, particularly breast cancer. People in the Pacific Northwest are known for being chronically low in vitamin D.
Check out Breast Cancer Action, an organization I think is doing things right. They aren't busy "going pink", they are demanding action to reduce causes, educate people (not sell them pink crap), and find more effective, less toxic treatments.
BCA also created the fantastic "Think Before You Pink" campaign to educate people as to where the money goes when those pink Tic-Tacs are purchased.
All of this is said from my perspective as the daughter of a two-time breast cancer survivor. Yes, that puts me in a higher risk category and I take it very seriously.
Cup Gazing
The latest and greatest installment in what continues to unfold for me with this bit from Rumi:
Take sips of this pure wine being poured.
Don't mind that you've been given a dirty cup.
Last week I realized that I had a Tuesday evening completely free. Since I would be busy with Ignite Portland on Thursday I decided to go to the zazen and discussion held on Tuesdays. The leader for last Tuesday had suggested that people bring quotes or short readings that inspired their practice. I brought the Rumi.
When I shared it I commented that what has started to really get through to me are the two words, "Don't mind". These are the important bit, as my teacher had commented to me. When I don't mind the cup is stained, that's when the stains clean themselves. Just recently it has finally felt like I'm in a place where I am starting to get the whole not minding thing.
Fresh off my sharing at the Dharma center this little gem of Rumi's came up during a conversation with PB. How I've been working with it, seeing the cup as my life and the traumatic moments as the dirt on the cup. She offered that perhaps I should consider buying a new cup.
I immediately, passionately said that wasn't the point. I can look at all the ways I tried to keep re-inventing myself during my teens, 20s and into my 30s as merely trying to "buy a new cup". It doesn't work, you cannot buy or acquire your way out of this one. You have to work with the cup you're given.
I said that it also felt that wanting to discard the cup because it was dirty wasn't compassionate. In honoring the cup, using it, it equally honors the person I was. In particular it acknowledges and holds the child I was in loving-kindness. To want to get rid of the cup is to want to get rid of that child and she doesn't deserve that. Besides, that isn't the point.
One of the younger priests in my Zen community once suggested upon hearing this Rumi that "There is no cup."
While that's very Zen and strolls right along that uncertain path called "No Self", it misses the point. The cup, the dirty cup is an intrinsic part. We must have a cup in order to partake in the pure wine that is life.
The point is not minding the dirt.
Not minding that I was hurt doesn't mean I condone it, rather it means I don't see myself as intrinsically flawed because of the "stain" of those events. Yes, those events affected me greatly, still affect me, but they are not an indicator that something is wrong with me. None of it was my fault.
Which brings me to a mug I purchased at SFMOMA in May. The colors and the simple ginkgo leaf pattern make me smile, it was also on clearance in the gift shop (bonus!), and I drink tea from it pretty regularly.
Tea can be a pretty strong dye and in short order my new favorite mug for tea had acquired stains that the dishwasher doesn't affect.
Do I mind? No. Does it affect the tea? Not in the least. Is the cup still completely pleasing to me, stains and all? Yeah, absolutely. It isn't exactly self-cleaning, but I don't mind. Silly as it may seem, given that the stains appear on the mug not out of some act of violence or deception, but still this mug is a good reminder.
This cup holds my tea and if it is a green tea I can even appreciate the stains on it when I'm drinking from it. They indicate nothing more than the ability of strong liquids to leave a mark. It is the outcome of this mug having a life. A perfectly good mug and I like it stains and all.
My life shows the effects of everything that has happened to me. Some of those things leave me feeling pretty sad and hurt. Taken as a whole, I have learned a lot about not minding my life. I even have begun to relax occasionally into even enjoying it, not minding the stains at all.
Dust
I have been on a bit of a cleaning frenzy since yesterday. The house had become hugely chaotic with stuff not put away. It was just a mess, truly, and bugging both of us. Merely moving some things down to the basement where they belong (yoga props I'd loaned to a Dharma sister) and getting some things taken to our respective offices made a lot of difference. Today I've vacuumed, dusted, sorted, and organized some. That and laundry - I'm kind of tired, but it feels good to have things cleaner.
Amidst all of that frenzy, while dusting, my cane caught my eye. It is mixed in with rolled up yoga mats, hiking poles, and an old paper umbrella. The handle of it was covered in a rather thick layer of dust.
As I cleaned it off I was struck at how long it has been since I've used it. From 2000 until well into 2004 I would use it occasionally when the pain and weakness in my hips would necessitate the extra assist. I purchased a cool, lightweight one with the ability to be broken down like a tent pole. People commented on it a lot for the coolness factor and they were mostly too polite to comment on a woman in her 30s using one. I generally resented the hell out of it but admitted that I really needed it.
I'm not exactly sure when I moved my cane into the cluster of stuff. Sometime in the past couple of years it took up residence with the hiking poles, which feel like an accomplishment instead of an accommodation. My third yoga mat. CK's mat. The paper umbrella I've had for years; I've been pondering how to repair a tear in it and re-purpose into an art project. The cane had an impressive amount of dust on it.
I'm also not entirely sure when I stopped using it, even very occasionally. At some point it just became a thing in my house that I never interacted with. I didn't need it, so I never went looking for it.
What I am aware of is the meaning of that dusty handle. The lack of use, the accumulation of dust as the cane sits next to my scratched up hiking poles is a testament to my Yoga practice and to the hundreds I've spent on one form of therapy, including body work, or the other. Amusingly enough the dust is a rather powerful indicator of progress.
Yeah, there's still a truly mechanical failure I deal with. It does affect me, but now it is just another part of my physical practice. Tomorrow I'll probably really feel all the cleaning and organizing I've been doing the past couple of days. I'll most likely be moving a little slower, a little more cautiously. I might wake up with a bit of a groan.
Even still, I won't need that cane.
If I Don’t See That I’m Strong Then I Won’t Be
The title of today's post comes from Maxi Jazz. Specifically from the amazing song 'My Culture' which is featured on the first 1 Giant Leap music disc. Seriously, check this stuff out.
This song randomly popped up on my iPod a few minutes ago and I was struck once again by those lyrics. They pretty much catch my full attention anytime I listen to 'My Culture'. We're not strong if we don't think we are. We lack confidence when we think we don't have any reason to have any.
That brings this post around to chatting this morning with my EMDR therapist, PB, about my anxiety around the job search, my current lack of job. Next month my severance package, my "lovely parting gifts" from my last job, will run out leaving me on unemployment. I'm feeling a lot of dread and downright panic about this.
CK says I should take my time, find a job I'm really going to like. Sure, most of me believes her, but there's a rather insistent part that doesn't trust it. I've never been able to count on anyone to have my back and this habit is very hard to unlearn. Under it all there's a part of me that doesn't trust anyone, particularly anyone who says they love me. After all, my experiences with people who've said they love me have been pretty negative.
That shines a bright light upon the part of me that is pretty sure that all of those negative experiences have happened because I'm fundamentally not worth that kind of love. I'm so deeply flawed and such a misfit that eventually people will become disenchanted and hurt me again. It is the same part of me that dearly wishes I could be possessed of an average IQ and settled down into a seriously mainstream, ordinary, invisible kind of life.
All this insistence despite the preponderance of the evidence to the contrary. The larger part of me trusts CK and her love for me. That greater self also knows with certainty that the further I've moved away from the "mainstream" the more in touch with my essential self I've become. I know that when I tried to play that game, reinventing myself to be what would make my boyfriend/husband/family/friends/etc. happy, I was seriously, deeply depressed and had a weight & cholesterol over 290. It was a fraud, all of it.
The reality: Vegan, Queer, Buddhist, Yogini, Liberal, Smart, Poetry-Reading Freak.
As they tease CK (in a friendly way) at her office, "Edge Case".
What's underneath this job stuff? Well aside from the not trusting anyone to make sacrifices while I'm not bringing home an income and really have my back, I'm pretty intimidated by the popularity contest that job seeking feels like. It takes me right back to all the unease and awkwardness I felt as a adolescent. I got my last job through the sheer nepotism of being hired by the team I was a support engineer to when I was laid off. No interviews, I was the only qualified candidate for a job requisition written to match my resume.
I'm afraid all my inherent freakiness somehow seeps off of my resume and all hiring managers take one look and say, "No way!" Surely this can be the only explanation for my marked lack of anything resembling an interview. Clearly my lack of confidence is well founded. Right?
PB told me to work on being aware of the physical sensations that arise around this fear, especially since I experience this more as a physical sensation rather than a voice in my head telling me horrible things. She also said to work at bringing awareness to those moments, even if there are mere seconds, when I remember that I'm a strong, capable, talented woman. And that being a freak isn't so bad. Neither is being smart.
If I don't see that I'm strong then I won't be.
Vows
The entire time we've been working toward our ceremony CK and I have known that we wanted to include the first five Grave Precepts. Both of us have spent a lot of time with these vows. We've each written about them and have taken them in a public ceremony with our community (sangha), friends and family present. At those times we looked at how these vows informed our own personal practice.
Including these vows as part of our marriage ceremony would reaffirm the most basic of the vows of our Buddhist practice together. Ultimately we sat down with several translations of these vows to write ones that we felt truly reflected the practice we share together in marriage. Of the many wordings we looked at, we were strongly influenced by the vows we both have taken within our Zen community, the writing on the precepts by the late John Daido Loori Roshi, and the interpretation of the precepts by Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Naht Hahn.
During the ceremony we each recited the following vows to one another:
- In the practice of our marriage, I vow to affirm, cherish and protect the lives of all sentient beings.
- In the practice of our marriage, I vow to be generous with my time, energy and material resources and to take only what is freely given.
- In the practice of our marriage, I vow to be aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct and to cultivate my responsibility to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society.
- In the practice of our marriage, I vow to manifest truth, to cultivate loving speech and deep listening. I will refrain from using words of discord and will make every attempt to resolve conflict, great and small.
- In the practice of our marriage, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming.
We each then wrote our own vows we were taking in our marriage. After reciting our own writing of the first five Grave Precepts we then gave our own vows. Here are mine to CK:
I will always remember seeing you on the first day of 2008. It was merely the third time I had seen you in person, but in the bright light of early afternoon I suddenly knew with certainty that my life was about to change in a significant way.
So it did, and here we are today in front of friends and relations. All of us gathered to honor the power of publicly taking vows to love, honor and cherish one another. It has been a mad dash to get to this dazzling finish, complete with unexpected news, arguments, wild passion, laughter, and tears. I’m told this is perfectly ordinary even though it feels to me rather extraordinary.
In addition to the precepts, which I have vowed to make a fundamental part of the practice of my marriage with you, I offer these vows from my heart:
- I vow to nurture unbridled joy in equal measure with gravitas.
- I vow to great each day with loving-kindness.
- I vow to nourish my health so that we may explore many more years together.
- I vow to create art, write, sing and cultivate playfulness together with you.
- I vow to admit when I am wrong.
- I vow to offer you cheer, humor, deep listening, and wise counsel. Whenever needed.
- I vow to challenge myself and you so we continue to grow fully into who we can be.
- I vow to read you poetry.
For my birthday last year you gave me a collection of Rumi’s poetry translated by Coleman Barks; an edition I did not have. It had been an amazing day spent celebrating my birthday and you fell asleep early. I stayed awake longer to read poems and enjoy my cake. One poem in particular really caught me; I knew I wanted to say some of the words from it to you at our wedding. Although I feel rather presumptuous playing with Rumi’s words, I do so as an act of love and from a deep honoring of the original poem, “The Self We Share”. These words especially speak to me of you and of this moment when written in this way:
The Prayer of Each
You are the source of my life.
You separate essence from mud.
You honor my soul.
You bring rivers from the mountain springs.
You brighten my eyes.
The wine you offer takes me out of myself into the self we share.
Doing that is religion.
I am a prayer.
You're the amen.
CK's vows to me:
My dearest Sherri: You are one of the most generous, compassionate and courageous spirits I have ever met. From the beginning, you opened your heart wide to me and while cautious at first, I have learned to take great refuge in your presence.
In addition the precepts we have already shared, I offer a few of my own vows:
Because our life together will not always be easy, I vow to meet challenges in our relationship with a sense of compassion and adventure.
Because our family is but one piece in a very large puzzle. I vow to live a life of service to you, to our marriage and to our community.
Because while love is not scarce, many resources are, I vow to make sure you always have the things you need most such as food, water, shelter and art supplies. I vow to utilize our resources wisely.
Because I want to spend the most amount of time possible with you and grow old together, I vow to care for my body and mind.
Because play is just as important as work, I vow to cultivate playfulness, laughter and lightness in our relationship.
Because what I was hiding, deep inside, you brought out into the light, and even thought it is terrifying at times, I vow to stand bravely in the light of your love.
My dearest Sherri, You are the first person who made me truly feel loved. I look forward to sharing a life of practice with you and I am truly honored that you are making this commitment with me here today, in front of our friends and family.
When we exchanged our stunning, one-of-a-kind wedding rings, handmade by local artist Barbara Covey, we each said the following words to one another:
May our marriage be nurturing, intimate and supportive throughout the years. May our marriage be a refuge to us as we cultivate kindness and compassion toward all sentient beings. I give you this ring as a symbol of my vows and commitment to you with body, speech and mind. In this life, in every situation, in wealth or poverty, in health or sickness, in happiness or difficulty.