Grateful
Tonight in yoga class JW had questions for us. After reading a quote from Thich Naht Hahn noting the relationship between a rose and compost, asked each of us if that brought anything to mind. I said that there were lots of things going on right now in my life, things decaying and things blooming. I didn't want to elaborate but thought of how I'd been reflecting yesterday about the sadness of endings and how I also have these wonderful beginnings, this blooming in my life.
AM have nearly finished getting the paperwork together for the divorce. We are settling into the ways in which we are separate. In doing this there is the stickiness of acknowledging the disconnect that has been there, how deep it has grown we were just both not wanting to see it. It is akin to look at my childhood and facing how painful it had been. It is the compost of my life, the decay that I have set my roots in and grown.
During savasana JW asked anyone who felt comfortable to share what they were grateful for. I had offered that I was grateful for my practice. In my heart I expressed my gratitude for CK for the flowering in my life she has brought. I made sure to tell her afterwards, whispering it into her ear with a kiss as we put away the props.
Sadness
In looking at the local news this morning I saw that the teacher of some of my dearest friends died unexpectedly. I felt the sorrow rising at this news. Not long after corresponding with one of my friends I spent several minutes on the phone with a lawyer going over some questions about my divorce. A couple of hours after that I received news that our very close knit team was going to lose the support of a very talented team member. By 2PM my left leg hurt from the hip all the way down the back of the leg.
One of my friends stopped by and we were able to talk briefly of the grief he and his congregation are facing and I was struck at the enormity of the loss. It made me think of the absolute, inconsolable anger and grief I'd feel to lose one of my teachers. In this frame of mind I tried to get the Merit List printed, including Reb Aryea's name, and had technical difficulties. By the time I got to the Dharma Center and saw CK standing there I had tears in my eyes even though I'd told Hogen in a tight voice that I was, "OK".
Sitting seemed to help, I felt a little more settled. Perhaps it was just the pain in my left leg that was distracting to the noise in my head. No sudden, painful, horrible thoughts arising in the quiet. I felt very grateful for that. At times I feel fear in going to sit with my Sangha these days, afraid of what fresh agony from childhood will surface in my mind in that deep stillness. When that happens it erodes the feeling of safety zazen gives me -- even if I know I shouldn't hold onto zazen as being safe.
After I was invited to be part of a group recommending guidelines to how we will grow our Sangha, how to reach out to more communities to show them that the Dharma is truly accessible to all in ways small and large. I felt deeply disappointed when I was told I wouldn't be able to participate if I was unable to come for the two days designated to this activity. It is an area I feel so connected to and to be told I couldn't be a part because I was learning to be a yoga teacher felt hard.
I found myself crying for a moment upstairs alone when I put the Merit List back into the Ino's notebook. It wasn't that I felt judged or that the group was intentionally being hurtful. I did believe what I'd told them. I understood they would want to keep the group whole. I knew I could trust my Sangha to make wise decisions. I just felt taut with all the sadness, all the good-byes I've said lately and changes I'm making.
When I came back downstairs after composing myself, or so I hoped I had, JM caught me to say that they wanted me to be part of the group for as much time as I could devote. That they felt it was important to include me since this was an area that so deeply called to my heart. I was very touched and in my tenderness felt tears coming up to my eyes again.
On the way home from the Dharma Center I picked my laptop up from the office (I'd forgotten it when I left earlier) then popped by CK's to pick up some of my stuff. She had tea waiting for me and I sat talking with her a bit. When I tried to say I felt a little silly being so emotional she drew my attention to the whole of my day so I would see that it was a day heavy with sadness and the constant pain-noise in my left leg made it feel very hard.
Death Comes
Last night, as I wrote about savasana (corpse pose) some of my very dear friends were with their congregation, wailing in sorrow over the loss of their teacher, Rabbi Aryeh Hirschfield. I saw one of them briefly this evening before going to the Dharma Center. We talked a little about how he and his community, P'nai Or, are doing; this is a time of what feels to be inconsolable grief. An agonizing sorrow compounded by uncertainty as to when the funeral will take place. In a religion where tradition asks that ceremonies are to be performed within specific time frames, this uncertainty only brings further sadness.
This is a terrible blow to many, many people. Reb Aryeh was a voice for inner-faith dialog, peace, music, and teaching. I said to one of my friends, when she'd confirmed the news I'd read, that I believed that we as humanity are lessened when we lose teachers like this. At times I feel as if there are so many voices of division, difference, negativity, and hatred, that the silencing of a voice of Love is particularly sad.
There is a terrible, sharp brilliance to the uncertainty, to those changes that surprise us in ways that bring us suffering. These moments stand out, cause our breath to catch in our throats, tears to spring to the eyes, and a rock of grief to settle in the belly. I could not help reflect on what it would feel if ZCO were to suddenly loose Chozen or Hogen. I thought about my teachers who also faced the unexpected news of the death of their teacher, Maezumi.
In Zen we reflect on the fact that it is only in the absolute truth of uncertainty that we can truly take refuge. To return again and again to rest in the constancy of change is all we can do. Even when, especially when it feels as though there is nothing to offer in the face of inconsolable grief or when sorrow feels unending.
Hogen was reminding of this in a Dharma talk after zazen. During the times when we most want to withdraw, become small and tight around our pain, we need to keep reaching out of the hardness of it and know that it will change. Just as we can reassure ourselves during the dark and cold of winter, that spring will surely come.
About Savasana
Tonight the wind outside howls down 9th Avenue, buffeting the sides of the flat and providing ample opportunity to appreciate the roar of the heater. How that noise means I'm warm and safe inside. The flat is cozy and I've just had a very tasty dinner. I'm enjoying sitting with CK, she's working on ideas for the new website for ZCO and I'm writing.
Got back to a yoga class at Prananda tonight. It felt gentle while still getting deeply into some areas. I'm still feeling the shoulder strain, especially in the left one I injured last spring. As frustrating as it is (which is to say as impatient as I feel), I know I need to keep being very gentle with them. I found myself going into adhomukha svanasana (downward facing dog) a lot between other poses, just feeling the relief of stretching my body and releasing the headache that had showed up during work.
Joy threw out a joke about a homework assignment at the end of class, to write a poem called "Sweet Savasana". I may have one in mind. It called to mind for me when Hogen asked me why it is called "Corpse Pose".
I had told him that a corpse is heavy, returning to the earth. There is no longer any tension whatsoever, all of the little anxieties hidden in the muscles are released. A corpse has no worry, no fear, no shame, no anger...
As the Heart Sutra states, "No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind; no sight, no sound, no smell, no taste, no touch, no object of mind; no realm of sight, no realm of mind consciousness."
Just the body returning to the earth. We mindfully end practice this way, releasing the body from the effort of asana and returning to the breath. That breath, that is the sweetness of savasana. For we lay with the complete release and emptiness of a corpse, yet each expiration of the breath continues to be followed by another inhalation.
Silence of Practice
Finally went back to a class at Pranada tonight! It has been so long and I've felt disconnected from my yoga practice. I've been finding it interesting to note that I felt a really deep quiet practicing zazen alone, especially when I was snowed in at the flat with Atari and CK down in Sacramento. I really found myself appreciating deep quiet of those days.
Not so much with my asana practice. There is something so vital about being in a class, some synergy that happens when teacher and students come together for a class. Most of the time going to a class leaves me feeling clear and grounded in a way that practice at home doesn't quite get to. I do get to the silence, the quiet of home asana practice, but it is the energy that comes from sharing practice that I miss the most.
I still struggle with feeling nervous in my Zen community. It really has been just over a year that I started to share myself with my Sangha and only in the past handful of months that I've really started to feel like I can really open up. Sangha is the most difficult of the Three Treasures for me. I think is why silent zazen felt like such a deeply, richly silent space when I was alone.
That a shared practice of asana is a comfortable space reminds me that I will not always feel so nervous with my Sangha. It is just taking longer to get to that point of comfort. Maybe it is the deeper physicality of asana practice that leaves me more comfortable there. That the space for laughter, tears and groans to arise freely and release. I'm also nearly 2 and a half years further into my Hatha practice. Slow progress, but steady, just like asana.
A Welcome Return
My Tuesday has been a welcome return to routine. Got up early, sat zazen then had a shower and headed downtown. Talked to people worked on projects, ate lunch with CK and this evening one of the yoga classes I teach started up again. Although there were parts of it where I was feeling resistance to settling into the less-than-exciting, just wanting to be entertained, it was good to get back to even that familiar irritation. Nice to have rainy, chilly Portland back as well!
Class tonight featured one returning student who's been coming for a while, two people who've never studied yoga before, and one drop-in student who's taken a few classes here-and-there. The Tuesday class has favored toward the small side for a few sessions now. I've wondered if the 5:45PM start time keeps people away. I suspect we might be able to do a 6-7:15 class if it was very punctual about ending to accommodate the 7:30 Pilates class taught in the same room. I know one of my returning students didn't plan to start coming regularly again until spring, not sure about the other two who've been regulars.
With all the new people and a very stiff returning student, along with my still babying my shoulders, it was a fairly easy class. Spent some time in breathing, just introducing the practice of a deep, complete, yogic breath before moving through deep postures to open the hips and shoulders. Ended with garudasana (eagle) and virabhdrasana II (warrior 2).
I'm feeling a bit stiff, noticing how my legs and hips are feeling after the effort. I made sure to ice my shoulder even though I didn't use it too much. Trying to be mindful of Iris' advice after working on it to not use it too much and let the strain heal.
What You Don’t Want
"Worrying is praying for what you don't want" says Bhagavan Das in the second production by 1 Giant Leap, What About Me?
It is a direct summation of the futility of being caught up in the future-moments, wasting the present. Worry is such an ingrained habit with me, I was raised in a family of worriers (in addition to the grasping and hating that went on). If I let it be there is a nearly constant chatter of revisiting what I have done, and wish I'd done better, or about what might go wrong.
Worry is the manner in which my Inner Critic communicates with, controls, keeps me from being present. Quite often it isn't even fully formed sentences or thoughts, just unchecked anxiety and shame. GW has worked with me to try and recognize the out-of-control emotion surges as damaging energy to be turned around. To mistrust the emotions and seek for the truth in the present moment.
With all the changes going on right now it is very difficult not to get sucked into the habit of worry. I'm concerned for AM, for his well being now and in coming years. I so want to see him happy and in a relationship where he can grow. I am very concerned for CK, for our relationship together, for me and my fears of something all going terribly wrong. When I go to far to those places I'm not here for the sound of Atari's kibble clinking in his bowl, CK illuminated by her laptop's glow, the taste of fresh pear in my mouth.
I used to think worrying was a kind of planning, not avoiding what could go wrong but planning for it. As if I could plan away pain. In staying with the sounds of the room, being present to sensation, I'm not avoiding the possible challenges of the future. I know we'll have challenges, but staying in the present moment helps to remind me that we're equipped to face them.
Routine Visits with the Inner Critic
Today was the start of getting back to routine. I worked from home, conducting or joining four meetings throughout the day. Spent a fair bit of that time showing users how to use tools. Some of the time was devoted to clarifying some questions about automated messages a tool will send out and in the late afternoon I was able to settle into some productive coding.
It felt good getting back into routine today. I enjoyed sitting in my little room with my headset on, laptops both handy, and plugging away at my projects. Zonker came upstairs around noon and kept me company for the rest of the day. When I got a chance to grab some lunch Phoebe came and lay on her back beside me while I at, patting me with her paws so I would rub her belly. I missed being around CK, I've come to realize that her energy around me, even when she's working on her projects, just feels good to me.
I'd thought about going to Dishman for a swim this evening, but at 5:50 I was just wrapping up a couple of code changes, fixing some bugs. I went downstairs and helped AM make some Thai style curry for dinner; chopping veggies for the pan. It was a nice, companionable to be chatting while making dinner together.
I've spent the evening writing about the fun Friday CK and I shared in Eugene. I also tried playing a bit with the layout and look of this blog. AM have watch episodes of Top Gear, DW has been off babysitting for some friends. I also wrote to my teacher.
At the New Year's party I had laughed when my teacher forgot my name. Mere moments before I had been introduced to someone from the Dharma Rain Zen Center and had chatted with her for several minutes. When CK came up to us I found I was uncomfortable with the realization that in my nervousness I'd forgotten the new person's name entirely.
I was feeling the anxiousness of being in a room full of people I don't know very well, if at all. Tight tension across my chest and my mind feels scattered. Add to it the hum and murmur of many people chatting in a small, hard walled space and it is difficult for me to focus on things like names. It has improved in the years I've practiced with ZCO, coming to trust in the ways my complete self fits into my community, but it is still difficult.
When HB could not recall my name while introducing me to someone I felt so relieved at his humanity that I forgot that he's been troubled lately by forgetfulness. This is the kind of mindlessness that leaves me feeling mortified that I could be so thoughtless as to laugh. Who cares about my relief at the simple humanity of my teacher, it is all about my Inner Critic shaming me for not being perfect in remembering the potential uncomfortable spots for people.
In the past I'd have sat with my Inner Critic. Cringing away as my faux pas was replayed for me again and again. Letting the shame and guilt close my mouth and heart up tight. I'd have said nothing, avoided contact and hoped it would eventually be forgotten, not used to punish me.
Instead I wrote HB an email this evening. I am not sure if I wait until Thursday to very rightly apologize in person I'd be able to do it. Too many days of hearing nothing but my Critic's voice. The email leaves a bridge for me to say something on Thursday, now that it is sent.
What I realized is that I'm not perfect compassion. I forget sometimes because the anxiety can leave me so clouded. Other people forget sometimes too.
I appreciate my teacher for what he teaches me. I know that I appreciate his humanity immeasurably.
Eugene Holiday – Day 2
We woke at about 8AM and got ready for our breakfast. By the time we opened up the door the delicious scent of breakfast, coffee & vegetables being cooked, drifting up the big staircase. We were served fresh fruit, a dish of sauteed tofu & veggies, and some delicious muffins that Jack had picked up for us at Sweet Life Pâtisserie along with tea, rich coffee and some guava juice.
Baiah, who was making our breakfast told us that usually Anne-Marie, the other half of the innkeeper pair, made the vegan breakfasts. She was trying to remember what had been done and was worried it wouldn't be good. We assured her the mixture of crumbled tofu, spinach, onions, garlic, and red peppers was very tasty and flavorful. The muffins were very different and equally delicious. A whole-grain one with seeds and dried fruit, topped with rolled oats. The other was like dessert for our breakfast; a cake-like Marionberry muffin topped with large crystals of sugar. We enjoyed lingering over the muffins and our coffee & tea, talking about the day before slipping outside to enjoy the beautifully landscaped yard of the inn.
To keep things simple, low-key we settled upon visiting museums at the University of Oregon campus. Deciding upon the Jordan Schnitzer Museum of Art and the Museum of Cultural and Natural History. It was an easy trip over, although we were a bit confused about where to park and lacked quarters for the meters. Finally a call was made to one of the museums, we were told they had a lot & would give us a pass for the day!
It was fun looking around the Museum of Cultural and Natural History. The exhibits were put together well, making it easy to identify pieces on display. After we checked out the gift store and were bemused by yet more terrifically friendly Eugene residents! We ended up selecting some lamp work glass pieces, a slug and a snail made by local glass artists! These were charming pieces and we felt they were lovely reminders of our anniversary trip.
Then off to the beautiful Jordan Schnitzer Museum of Art on the other side of campus. We were told where we could stash our wet jackets and that the museum was free on this day!
I was thrilled to spot the only Art-o-Mat in Oregon behind the front desk! I read an article about these machines quite a while ago and have always wanted to pop into the art building on the Lane Community College campus to check out the one in Oregon. Turns out this machine is at the Schnitzer museum until March, saving us a separate trip to see it.
The Schnitzer building itself is very beautiful, including a gorgeous courtyard reflection pool. We enjoyed wandering the revolving and permanent collections until we'd finally walked off our delicious breakfast.
It was a quick, lovely walk over to the shops clustered near the campus.
We decided to check out Caspian Mediterranean Cafe and what kind of falafel they made. We ordered the lunch special, a falafel sandwich & bowl of a Persian style soup, and a side of hummus. The hummus was good, different from the very smooth types served at Habibi (well, that entire family's restaurants) and Aladdin's Cafe. The falafel, tahini sauce and bread were all quite tasty, even with out-of-the-bag pita. The best part was the delicious, rich soup made with onions, spinach, lemon, lentils, garbanzos, red beans and some rice! I'd happily go back to have the soup again and I spent part of the time enjoying the soup trying to deconstruct how to make it!
We poked around the Duck Store but weren't tempted by anything with logos on it. Eventually we meandered through town and on to visit the very highly recommended Sweet Life Pâtisserie. We already knew the muffins were good and decided to go check out the other vegan sweets they were known for.
After quite some time and much prevaricating we ordered a peanut butter cup (for me alone) and I said I'd help with the ridiculously enormous slice of chocolate cream pie (vegan). The place was crazy packed so we sat down outside in the chilly air and enjoyed our treats that way. Both things were excellent! The peanut butter cups reminded me of a candy my Mom would make around Christmas-time, only better (very good, dark chocolate cup). The pie was very rich, very creamy, and delicious. It was also a ridiculous slice, so big we couldn't finish it!
We settled into our lovely room after our outing. I'm still down several games of cribbage to CK after playing for a while. There was more cable TV indulgence in watching The Darjeeling Limited, nice since I'd not seen it before. Jack brought us up a nice late harvest viognier from a local winery, Eola Hills.
The weekend was wrapped up with a rather tasty dinner at Ring of Fire, also highly recommend and within walking distance of the inn (one of those moments where good food is found in a very assuming, mall-like environment). We had tempura style veggies for an appetizer -- it is hard to go wrong with deep-fried food served with a sweet sauce and this was very tasty. For our shared entree we picked the Pra Ram, a Thai peanut sauce curry, with tempeh. The veggies were crisp, the nappa cabbage particularly nice I thought, and the sauce flavorful and I would have enough to have for lunch late Saturday during a break in yoga teacher training! We also ordered a couple of drinks (the restaurnt is very highly rated for cocktails), a "Dragonfly" (a guava juice based drink containing no alcohol) and a "Blue Devil" (containing Bombay Sapphire gin, Curacao, and a ginger lemonade.
We'd enjoy another excellent breakfast on Saturday morning before heading back to Portland, the same sauteed dish, red potatoes with onion, and more yummy muffins from Sweet Life again! That breakfast we were joined by a Eugene couple just staying the night for an easy get away. We enjoyed hearing more about things check out on a future visit!
Eugene Holiday – Day 1
We slept in a bit on the first having finally fell asleep past 1AM after coming home from the very full night of celebration at the Dharma Center. There had been rather serious discussion about going to Joy's New Year's Day yoga class at Prananda; end the year in zazen, start with asana. Since morning found us moving slow and still needing to pack up a couple of things we got ourselves together and on the road to Eugene.
It was a uneventful drive down aside from the pounding rain. We made it down a little ahead of schedule but the gracious innkeeper at the C'est la View Inn, Jack, showed us the rooms available. We'd reserved the Matisse room but switched to the Monet room after seeing the lovely koi details and the amazing etched window (a gargoyle of Notre Dame de Paris overlooking the Seine) above the enourmous tub.
While we settled into our charming room Jack called a few restaurants he knew served vegan food but after a bit he told us he'd not had any luck reaching any, a lot of places were closed for the holiday. He gave us some directions to a couple of markets where we could find a snack and we set out to do a little foraging/exploring.
We found Capella Market and picked up some hummus, dolmas, bread and vegan marshmallows! I also found a bottle of the Italian sparkling wine I'd forgotten in the fridge at the flat. We sat in the car eating the tasty food. We both had realized that it was 5PM, we'd eaten at Laughing Planet many hours ago, and were now very hungry.
Feeling better we set out into the dark, wet of Eugene, following signs pointing us "downtown". We made a note of restaurants actually open, I spotted the bakery Jack was going to get us muffins from, and we eventually came around the corner and past Sam Bond's Garage, which was listed on the Happy Cow page as having vegan options.
It was a great feeling place immediately. At a couple of tables a couple of youngish 20-something guys argued the politics of economic with what appeared to be a trio of older lesbians. Not angry, good natured debating and airing of opinions. We sorted out that ordering was done by going to the bar and telling them what you wanted from off the chalked up menu. CK selected the pizza & a seasonal ale and I decided to indulge in the tempeh sloppy joes & an oatmeal stout.
CK was told there were cards & games on a shelf around the corner; we were wishing we'd brought the cribbage board with us. We settled down at a cozy table made from a slice of log and were enjoying our beers in pint jars when a couple asked us if we wanted to play a card game. Perhaps they had seen us eyeing their deck with envy?
We're not sure if people in Eugene make people in Portland seem like angry misanthropes, but these folks were just indicitive of many people we'd meet. Enthusiastic and pleasant, willing to share. Morgan and Cat taught us a very simple, quick and fun card game. When our food arrived we all sat and chatted.
The pizza was very tasty and gave us great ideas! Instead of a red sauce the pizza was covered in mashed yams! This tasty base helped hold the toppings in place - cranberries, slices of pear, roasted garlic cloves and mushrooms (which were picked off). Seasonal ingredients and an excellent combination. The tempeh sloppy joe was served on a whole grain bun and was very tasty, very filling. It came with a salad of mixed greens served with a garlic tahini dressing that reminded me of the sauce on the falefel at Habibi. Yum!