Gifts Gratefully Received
Standing beneath trees
Abundant with bright blossoms;
Hopeful, tender Life.
I went out today and saw a dear student, physically distant as I admired her garden. She made CK and I each two cotton masks, beautiful creations that will allow us to more safely do necessary errands.
I’ve felt increasingly anxious about my rare trips out. A student asked if we wanted some and I took her up on the offer, gratefully, and shared with her hoe it was helping my anxiety! Ironically, as I was on this errand the CDC issued a statement recommending masks!
I feel loved. I am taking it in, trying to really pay attention. This gift, the sweetener of including CK, the money I’ve been making, the generosity. It is this reminder that I am valued, worthy. I’m not a toxic person who destroys people.
Rain and Lethargy
All day the rain fell.
Slow and gentle, then pounding.
The flowers don’t mind.
It took all evening to write a little haiku, much less a post. I woke up feeling heavy and clumsy this morning. By the afternoon I just felt down and headachy, same as bedtime nears. Not physically ill, just stick of heart about there world.
Poetry and Gratitude
Hey, it's April, which happens to be National Poetry Month, and I'm trying to think of creative projects. Reviving the old 30 Poems in 30 Days challenge!
April Haiku
Raindrops fill flowers.
Delicate cups overflow.
April showers fall.
I'm grateful for these fancy primroses CK grew from seed. I'm grateful for her exuberant return to gardening. I'm grateful her job is secure and she likes it.
I often have moments where I'm grateful that my Mother is dead. This ghoul of a President at least wasn’t elected by her, because she would have voted for his “straight talking” ways. She would have been the Boomer playing down the seriousness of COVID and telling me I’m overreacting, being a drama queen.
Her death freed me to heal, to finally see the full scope of the abuse, to really connect to the terrified child I was. Connecting to that child self is helping me to see how remarkable I was.
How remarkable I am.
Learning Rest
I've only been able to establish a restful sleeping pattern in the past year. Peeling back the years of trauma and job-related stress (those 17 odd years of being on call) that created my inability to sleep well, chronic insomnia (couldn't get to sleep, couldn't stay asleep), starting from age 4 or earlier, has been hard. Multiple professionals have helped to treat me and give me tools to help me learn to rest at last.
These days I don't sleep as often or as much as I was in early 2014, but the need is still there. After more than a year of practice I am finally able to listen to my body without fear or self-shaming and let myself nap, fully rest, whenever I need to. It is nothing short of miraculous.
Learning Rest
Bleeding Hearts Return - Portland, Oregon - April 2, 2015
After a lifetime
Of restlessness.
Nights of scattered,
Small hours of sleep
Caught between the
Night terrors and the
Waking anxiety that
Brings them.
To experience the
Gift of sleep, to
Learn the rhythm
Of the body and
Its need for rest,
True rest that heals,
Is sipping from
Kwan Yin's jug.
Drinking in the
Elixir of life.
New Path and National Poetry Month 2015
As I am feeling my way into this new way of being in the world, emerging into the life of a yoga teacher, artist, and writer with equal measures of joy and trepidation, I am trying to return to some things that helped foster my creativity, like annual 30 Poems in 30 Days project for April, which just happens to be National Poetry Month.
In years past I've really loved showing my love for poetry by committing to challenge myself to write 30 poems in 30 days. I'm not sure 
here on April 1, 2015, if I've ever done them all. I'll have to look back and see. I'm not sure I'll get them all done this year, but I feel good about reviving this "tradition" on my blog. Trying to write poems each day challenges me in many positive ways.
The biggest challenge is to just compose a poem. Write it, one day, often at a single sitting (although a haiku may take me the whole day to compose). Don't fiddle with it, just write it, publish it on the blog. Don't judge it, just write it. That's a hard one to work with, but this annual exercises challenges me to work with my inner critic.
New Path
Hospitality Agent Lumpy - Portland, Oregon - April 1, 2015
This uncharted territory
Had beckoned to me,
Yet always seeming
Far off, shimmering
On the horizon.
Yet now I find myself
Right at the edge,
Ready to step down
The road to a new way.
Now, now is the time.
I feel, all at the same time,
Joy, fear, uncertainty,
And, to my surprise,
Delight at moving into a life
I never dared hope to live.
Fish Watching
Swirls of Pollen - April 29, 2013 - Portland, OR
Heron still, watching.
Hoping to glimpse hiding fish.
Pollen swirls, ripples.
Spring Colors
Rusty Heron - April 29, 2013 - Portland, OR
Spring comes in with
Small bursts of color.
Snowdrops give way
To crocus, which greet
The sweetness of the daphne.
Days grow longer,
Warmer and soon
The world is bursting
In colors from the camellias,
The blaze of azalea, and bright
Torches of rhododendron.
Not to be out done, the
Leaves put on new, bright
Green and ferns uncoil
From the moist earth.
Frog Return
Frog Swimming - April 26, 2013 - Wilsonville, OR
With a plop
I turn to see
A frog surface,
Then glide.
All around the
Shallows there
Are great numbers
Of tiny fish
And tadpoles,
Frogs-to-be,
Rushing from my
Great shadow.
Other poets have
Described it better,
Yet still, that "plop"
Of a the frog surfacing,
Inspired poets anew
Each spring.
**Here's Bashō's haiku about ponds and frogs, as translated by Alan Watts:
The old pond,
A frog jumps in:
Plop!
Along the Way
Advice I - April 14, 2013 - Portland, OR
Here we find one another.
Still breathing in
And laughter still
Rising to the surface.
Yes, there remain
Sharp, narrow places
Between many of
The breaths.
(most of the breaths)
Exhalations expressing
Out in sighs.
There is also the
Sense of having
Arrived.
Not where, exactly.
Just the feeling
Of having made
It through.
Reminded
That the Buddha
Assures us
There is a way,
But reminds that
The going can
Be hard.
Sakura Clouds
Sakura Clouds - April 25, 2013 - Wilsonville, OR
Clouds of sakura.
Delicate petals drifting.
Softest, sweetest snow.