Birthday Reflections – 44th Edition
Birthday Bouquet from my lovely in-laws - August 28, 2013 - Portland, Oregon
I turned 44 yesterday. Which makes today the first day of my 45th year.
It rather boggles the mind. Well, at least my mind.
It has been a really tough year, and then some. All the upheavals with Mom, buying a house with CK (wonderful, but wow was it stressful), moving Mom in with us. All that and continuing to work on events in the Portland tech community and try and keep on top what has becoming an increasingly demanding job. Honestly, I'm starting this new year off feeling depleted in many ways.
Work is hard. It isn't that it was easy to begin with, but the demands have more than doubled and find I find myself having to give up or being taken off of things that would be both hard and rewarding because I need to expend ever more energy on a primary application upgrade project. Trust me, this isn't like upgrading the OS. It is a project involving over 2300 users, mostly hostile. The vendor's support has been appalling. I've found bugs, requirements gaps, and what can only be called seriously bad decisions for over a year solid. I'm worn out of having to fight my way though the next problem that shows up just as we're supposed to "turn the corner" on the horribleness.
All that and this year it hit me that, aside from stressful periods of unemployment, I've been in "on call" mode since 1998. The stress of that alone is affecting my health. I also feel like what I've been doing at work, while building my reputation in one area, really distracts from the career change I had wanted to make 3 years ago. I've let my boss know this, and we've brainstormed some ideas, but the part I don't feel confident about is the allocation of another headcount for our team so that I can move into a very strategic role instead of a hands-on, "tactical" role. Enterprise Reporting Architect is the title we've been kicking around.
Living with Mom is hard. Not a surprise, but yet still surprising in the ways it is hard. Gaining insight into the benefit of it, despite the fact that it has me living with someone who can be constantly triggering to me, is something I find myself being asked to revisit with my therapists. I still feel like there is benefit. I also feel I'm not fully ready to give up on the hope that maybe she can experience a little happiness and contentment in her life, and that I might get to enjoy seeing that.
This might explain the down-turn in posts. It has been kind of unrelenting.
There there is loss. In the past handful of years 5 people we've cared about have taken their lives. I still have a lot of sorrow at Jen's death and a lingering, aching awkwardness over seeing folks from college at her memorial. Some days it feels like I remain frozen at the edge of real grief. It is just so big, and when you combine it with the layers of grief for my Mom, my childhood, all of it... well, it feels overwhelming.
So that's the hard. Starting this year I also bring so many positives.
Despite a continuing struggle with chronic pain, including lingering neck pain from the car accident in June 2012, I am in good health. At 44 I am in better health than a few generations of women in my family before me have enjoyed. While not as active as I wish, I still am able to go for hikes, swim, and do yoga (even if the neck injury has limited me).
I have a good job, despite the fact it is really exhausting me it affords me a lot of benefits and privileges. I recognize this year that my position and work needs to change in this coming year, even if it means the anxious prospect of moving on to a new company. It has afforded me a lot of growth and I've been able to make time to care for Mom, which many people aren't lucky enough to find in a company.
Buying our new home last year was so enormously stressful that it made the first home-buying experience I had seem like a big party, one where I got a house at the end. The purchase was stressful. The move was stressful, in so many ways. We're still unpacking. All that aside, I am so fortunate to be living in our beautiful house in the trees. Birds fill our yard. We have a pond. We share a huge space for CK's office and my studio/office space. Really, it is just such a blessing that I'm so grateful for.
CK remains a thoughtful, loving partner in our life together. Yes, it is hard sometimes, but I'm so grateful to go through those hard times together with her. We're planning an anniversary adventure, currently with very little actually planned aside from the necessary travel arrangements, some dinner reservations, and an art exhibit to see. We really need a restful holiday together with very few plans, I'm thankful we're able to have adventures together.
All those blessings and my house is filled with flowers. I'm pretty tickled that I've reached a place where buying flowers isn't an infrequent "indulgence". Now my regular purchases of flowers to put in vases throughout the house is just part of our grocery budget. I love seeing the bursts of color all over the house, in some ways it makes me feel more at home and settled.
I look forward to more hikes, more art-making, more laughter, more soaks in our hot tub, a healthier & happier job change, moments of small joy with Mom, and all adventures of life, both large and small, with my wife.
August Stroll
CK is in Toronto this week for a team meeting. It feels like she barely returned from Hong Kong.
As the weather warmed in our new neighborhood CK finally found a Good Walk. Suitable for both dogs and humans wanting a good bit of exercise. We've been trying to walk together with the dogs as many evenings as possible. Trying to wedge some time in the Busyness to get some time together, a bonus because it is doing something for our good health together.
When she's away I try to keep up the walks for the dogs and I. Tonight we even spied a dead bird along the way. I had to laugh at this find making me think of CK, but we're definitely the type to be curious about such a thing. Were she here tonight we could have taken turns holding the dogs at bay while the other got a closer look. Having a supportive partner makes all the difference in life.
I wanted to share this walk for my Love, who I am hoping is well asleep. A poem for a late evening in mid-August is the result of that desire to share.
August Evening Walk
We walk to the park.
Really, the dogs
Walk me.
Pulling toward the
Steep hill
Covered in grass.
We arrive at the
Time when the
Last orange of
Sunset fades
To the pale
Blue-grey of
Twilight.
When the sparrows
Give over the
Hunt to the bats
And the frogs
Begin their songs.
We rise,
Cross,
Descend.
As we return it
is I who cajoles the
Dogs along toward home.
Pausing here and there
To watch them press
Warm bellies
Against cool grass.
Worth the Effort
Today CK left on a business trip to Hong Kong. She'll be attending Wikimania. She'll be gone a week, home for 6 days, and gone for another week. September may see another week-long trip as well, although we're planning a week together in Toronto to celebrate our third anniversary and she'll be all mine!
Work was busy, but free from any meetings so I just focused on catching up. I was out early for acupuncture. It felt like not much during and immediately after the session, but about an hour later I was hit with a wave of anxious energy. Mom was in a funk too, understandably since it is the year anniversary since her last husband died. Regardless, it left me feeling unable to cope with dinner. I suggested we go out to get a bite to eat and I could pick up fresh basil to make a pasta dish for us tomorrow.
Mom wasn't too disappointed when I hurried her through the market to get only the basil and some sesame stick snacks she likes on her salads. I was briefly distracted long enough to grab some fresh figs, but I reminded her we wanted to get back home so I could take the dogs for their walk.
CK has been walking the dogs up to a nearby park. It is a good walk and we're relieved to have found a walk we enjoy. It takes about 40 minutes at a good walk. We go down to the park, up and around it, and back home.
Dickinson Park at Sunset
I'd promised CK that I'd make the effort to walk the dogs. For their sake and mine. I also promised to try to cut back on working 12-14 hour days, especially when she isn't here to frown at me and suggest that it is bed time. I'm trying. I only worked a couple of extra hours this evening.
Mom and I got home from dinner and the market. I put on light-colored clothing, walking shoes, put the dogs into their harnesses and we set out. I was in a rush-walk mode, certain make CK cough, because I didn't want to be walking home after dark.
We got the park and I nearly turned back before the big climb up the hill. The park really is just a big, grassy hill with a small play structure at the top, and a fantastic view. The dogs were antsy to complete the walk they know so up the hill we went despite the falling dusk.
I'm glad we did. We got to the top and got to meet a neighbor from the area. She told us that if we're coming to the park we'll eventually meet most of the neighbors since everyone brings their dogs there. She laughed and laughed at Dora, she'd grown up with dachshunds and the site of Dora really made her smile.
It turned out her 16-year old dog came from the same amazing shelter where we'd adopted Dora from. She'd had her for 11 years and they've been coming to the same park for that long. Her dog has cancer she told me, so she's trying to come to the park as often as possible since it is such a happy place for her dog.
I offered my sympathies, my wish that they all may be at ease during this difficult time. I wished her peace and offered my name. She told me hers in return; this might be the one time a human's name sticks when I usually just manage to remember the dog's name.
It made us late starting back. I could see CK's worried face. It was worth it though. The talk with the new neighbor was just the reason we went any way, just the reason the dogs convinced me to climb the hill (I nearly always need convincing).
I also got the pleasure of getting to watch bats swooping and diving around the park. In the evening, when we often are there, we watch swallows doing it, but being late meant the bats were coming out. I love bats and laughed with delight several times as one would flutter past.
We walked back home so briskly the dogs gave me wondering looks. Dora's sleeping on the sofa beside me. I've been working a little and listening to music.
Surprises!
Yesterday kind of sucked. CK left for the Bay Area for a few days. We're doing this full-court press at work trying to tune up the application stack, complete with vendor-dispatched consultant. I've already put in 40+ hours by end of day Thursday.
I'm giving up teaching my yoga class. I've had to cancel so many times this year, most of those related to caring for Mom. Some due to the car accident last year. It hurts so much to give up the thing that brings light and joy at the end of a stressful week. Teaching centers me in a way like no other Practice.
So off I go into Thursday, thinking merely, "At least the week is nearly done."
There were finally some successes with the work stuff. That and some ongoing respect for me as a profession from the consultant has gone a long way toward making this grueling effort bearable.
I stopped at the market to pick us up dinner, "Hot Woks", and get fresh flowers. I'd been informed that this market, easy to get to on the way home from my office, gets fresh flowers every Thursday. Fresh flowers around the house is an indulgence that I so enjoy.
Today I picked out a few things to be wrapped together, having them hold the bundle while I got dinner. When I came back out one of the women who works there held out two more bundles of roses to me. They are a little browned on the outer petals, but otherwise still fresh. Being slightly faded, they were going to be tossed away. I laughed in delight and surprise, saying of course I'd love more flowers!
Only Slightly Faded Roses - June 6, 2013 - Portland, Oregon
Bemused at this lovely gift in my day I arrived home to discover another gift. The lovely man who maintains our landscaping built a fountain in the pond today!
Simple Stones and Water - June 6, 2013 - Portland, Oregon
A fountain! It is an amazing gift. He knew I'd wanted to do a water feature to help move the water, getting more air in, and also have the wonderful sound of it. The water sound would help mask the sound of the freeway in the distance.
Now we have one. He has a Kwan Yin he's adding to adorn the top stone.
Sorting
Still Pond - April 12, 2013 - Portland, OR
Today I helped with the sorting at my friend's apartment. The packing, the sifting, the cataloging, analyzing, and inventorying of a life. It is so hard.
Before going to do that, while CK attended a planning meeting for our fiend's memorial, I went out to skim the pond. It is a task that calls to me in our new home, definitely a work practice. Even as I lift pine needles off the surface of the water the wind blows new ones down, always more to be removed. I like the sound of the water dripping, the movement of the net made of silk screen material, finding the best method for collecting the needles and leaves.
Today I discovered that some of the water lilies we saw leaves for last summer have survived the winter and was lifting small, red leaves out from the murky bottom and up toward the sun.
Lily reaching up.
Emerging from dark water.
Spreading leaves sun-ward.
CK has written a very moving piece on her blog about our friend's death and about living with chronic illness (mental and/or physical) here.
Ticking Away the Moments
I look back at this blog and realize that two months have whooshed on by. One of those weeks was spent celebrating Mom's 70th birthday in on the Big Island of Hawai'i, which also felt like it went by far too quickly.
It was a bittersweet trip. Mom was delighted to be there, but the rigors of travel exhausted her. Her blood levels fell, in fact we spent the morning at the Kaiser Infusion Center having a transfusion of blood and platelets. The flight home was arduous, with her saying she was hallucinating and constantly fighting with me when I'd remind her that her bag needed to stay under the seat, that she needed to not hold her cane until the plane was on the ground, etc. I feel like we'll never take a big trip with her again. CK thinks maybe we might, but if we're able to bear the cost of first class tickets. Mom's always wanted to go to EPCOT and I'd really hoped she might be able to do some of these things.
Some weeks are better for Mom, but in general she seems afraid of the world and too content to just while away the hours listening to books on tape or watching shows on the Lifetime channel. To me these all seem to be the same story line of families facing challenge that they greet with Faith and are therefore led to a happy ending. Improbable and so narrow, I don't seem my life reflected in these stories at all, that I find them grating. I worry that this consumption of brain-candy stories to be worrisome. When I urge some engagement with her peers, attending some activities at a local senior center, she professes too great a fear of venturing into any group.
Looking back, I think Mom's always had some level of social anxiety and I think she's sabotaged a lot of connections. When you add to that her deteriorating eyesight and the legacy of the emotional and financial abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband's family, I can connect it all to this fear of joining any kind of group. That said, it is hard to watch her passive consumption of mindless entertainment, ticking away the moments that make up a dull day.
When I was younger she at least tried some new things, particularly arts and crafts. She developed some skill, and enjoyed tole-painting, sewing things, some quilting, and a little machine embroidery. All pursuits that the pain in her hands and the failing eyes have taken from her life. I cannot say the same for reading materials and shows, I always remember her with a stack of Harlequin Romance novels and a fondness for movies like An Officer and a Gentleman and Ice Castles.
She resents my prodding, it makes her feel bad about herself. She hurts, profoundly. Her health has never really been well in my lifetime. It is hard to greet pain and keep going, I know this from personal experience. It takes a lot of will to try and keep moving with, and through the pain. I especially know that when the pain increases the fatigue it brings make it even more difficult to stay engaged and moving, however, I know at those times that it vitally important to keep trying.
And yet, she suffers profoundly. Physically, emotionally, mentally, she suffers. Is it wrong for her to hope to ease into death and go to the heaven she imagines in her mind? Is that so wrong for her to want that? Is it just that Dylan Thomas made too deep and lasting an impression on my young mind that I recoil at the thought of pursing, of longing for an easy death?
The other night I shared with CK that I felt like she's just giving up and that it hurts. I felt like both my biological father and my step-dad both just turned toward pleasure, pleasure that was surely killing them, and refused to do the hard work to stay alive and present, part of my life. It hurts a lot to feel like my Mom's doing the same thing.
Watching sunset at Kealakekua Bay - Hawaii - March 2013
Planning Art
The house is coming along. Yes, there's still areas with boxes filling them, but CK reminds me that it is a Towers of Hanoi game. The boxes are shifting and changing. We managed to have people over for Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, and a few folks for New Year's Eve where I made Japanese food until I was asked to please stop and play a game.
I've been thinking about this year and wanting to get back to a couple of things. I'm considering a week in San Francisco for some training in restorative yoga this July. It conflicts with OSCON and just today a friend sent a couple of very interesting ideas for OSCON talks my way, one they asked me if I'd be interested in co-presenting on. It is very different and I'm honestly quite interested.
CK asked me a few days ago if I was to pursue things this year in considering how they impacted what I wanted to do 20 years from now. Yeah, a long view. However, I'm not sure in 20 years if I'll be at all concerned about my presence at technical events. That's when I'll want to be doing yoga, particularly in a therapeutic application. I've even checked and one of my dearest friends has already said I'd be joyfully welcomed in their guestroom in the Mission District.
We'll see. There's a real possibility that I could work on OSCON proposals and if they don't get picked up do more training as a yoga teacher.
Sometime soon I want to write about Mom and about my observations about how people fall through the cracks. I spent over 90 minutes today trying to get a prescription correctly refilled. It was maddening and I cannot imagine her being able to get it sorted out without help. That's about all I can say, the thoughts are too fragmented yet.
I did do something else today. I registered for an art workshop at a shop I've taken some other classes at. Seth Apter, a mixed-media artist, is doing a few workshops in town. I decided I should pick the Saturday one, what with 2-3 weeks of my time off already planned out for the year, but spent a few days dithering over the class.
The goal of the class is to take an entire deck of cards and alter them along a theme. That's a lot of cards from 10AM to 5PM!
I was struck with an idea, a theme I could plan for and carry through the workshop, which put that voice of the inner critic to rest. In that space I made my reservation for the class this afternoon. I know that even if things aren't perfect I'll learn a lot of techniques to apply to my artwork.
I'm going to use the 52 cards to visualize bits and pieces from some of my favorite Sufi poets. I already have a few pieces in mind, but please feel free to suggest your favorites in my comments. I'll be posting the whole set online when it is done.
I've spent so much time spinning on what I call "trying to clean the dirty cup", maybe this year is the year I explore the side of the Rumi that's about asking and about stepping off proudly into sunlight and not looking back. Or lacking sunlight, stepping off proudly into big puddles without a backward glance!
Between the Roots Below - 2012
Just “Wife”
I find myself making a point to use the word "wife" when referring to CK. It still can be scary.
I've written before about what I feel is the need to normalize these words as applying to marriages, regardless of the genders of those who have wed. I've found it can be a good type of social litmus test. A way to screen people and environments for how welcomed we'll feel.
Other times I've carefully avoided it. Sticking with non-gendered words like "spouse". Granted, then the immediate assumption is that I'm talking about my husband, but sometimes it doesn't feel safe until I've more input to go on. A moment of safety to offset fear that we'll be denied services because we're queer.
We've been interviewing new service providers. I corrected a person we were considering for helping with house cleaning every other week. Pointing out to this person that I hadn't said "partner", I'd said "wife" and that it is important. There was a pause and the person responded, "You're right, it is important. Your wife..."
Last Sunday I stood up in front of a group of complete strangers with CK at my side and introduced her as my wife, despite the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. We've found that we're very close to a Unitarian fellowship community in our new neighborhood, walking distance even. Newcomers were invited to stand up and introduce themselves to everyone.
We had that near-silent, small-gestured, nuanced-look kind of conversation ahead of this moment. Were we going to stand up? OK. Who was going to introduce us? Me.
So there we were standing. I'm sure none of the other couples, all heterosexual, had any kind of struggle about how to do the introduction beyond the awkwardness of standing up . Women introduced themselves and their husbands. A man introduced himself and his wife.
We were last. I took a deep breath, looked around, looked sidewise at CK, and introduced myself and my wife.
In those quick moments until it came to us I just decided I'd just do it. I'd step off proudly into sunlight, not looking back.*
I'd call CK my wife in front of all those strangers. I figured we were checking them out as a spiritual community and there was no time lime the present to decide if we'd be welcomed. I just didn't want to discover after my heart was more engaged that they really didn't include us, that they just accommodated, tolerated our presence.
Later a couple of different people commented to either or both of us that they were impressed with how brave and inspiring it was.
Here's the thing that kind of bugs me. It is really lovely that those people told us that they thought I'd done something courageous and that they were grateful for it.
What sticks with me is that it shouldn't have to be something worthy of notice. I shouldn't have that moment of fear every time I call CK my wife in a new, public setting. It should only be a joyful reminder of the commitment I've made to the woman I love, not feeling like I'm leaping off into potential danger every time.
Stairs to Sea - Waldport, Oregon - December 2012
I guess that's why I keep saying it.
Wife.
Not out of the hope that I'll get used to the dizzying feeling of the fear, but that it will become normal.
Not my Gay Wife. Just, Wife.
Not Gay Marriage. Just, Marriage.
*Here's the rest of bit of Rumi I'd referenced in this post. This small bit of poetry is rather a kind of koan that found me. One of my old Zen teachers said sometimes it happens that way with koans. I think I may be noodling with this one for many years to come.
Ask!
Step off
proudly into sunlight,
not looking back.
Take sips of this pure wine being poured.
Don’t mind that you’ve been given a dirty cup.
I spend most of my time working on the "dirty cup" in this poem, but sometimes, like using the word "wife" is all about the practice of stepping off proudly into sunlight, not looking back.
2012 in Review
It has been a Year. I'm very seriously glad to see it in the review mirror, as it were, but before it ends a moment to reflect on the whole year.
Heart-shaped Jasper - 2012 - Yachats, Oregon
2012 started off with rather a bang when events in Mom's life happened while we were at some training for not-for-profit board members. By the time CK and I arrived back in town a considerable amount of damage had been done and as we close out the year, we're still working on the clean-up. Mom ended up at a retirement community for seniors, with a cafeteria, etc., but wasn't thriving there. Much of the year was spent in rushing out to be with her, take her to ER, and the moments in between worrying about her.
Another bang came in June when I was rear-ended on the commute home, thus realizing some of CK's fears in my long daily commute. Between the stress of trying to take care of Mom, while watching her health degrade out in Gresham, and the increasing wear-and-tear on my body from the commute, CK sat down with me, looked things over, and said we should try to buy a house.
In the middle of all of that we ran another successful Open Source Bridge (June, I also taught my annual "Yoga for Geeks" class) and presented a workshop at OSCON on event planning (July). I also spoke at the BusinessObjects User Group in Orlando and co-chaired Ignite Portland 10 in February and our 11th event in September!
We closed on the house in mid-September, as soon as we came back from Orlando, moved at the end of September and end the year in a larger, newer home, that reduces my commute to 20 minutes most days (from the frequent 90+ minute treks home before). The new house, situated in the southwest hills of Portland and boasting a beautifully landscaped yard, is also laid out in such a way that everything is accessible to Mom, who came to live with us at the end of October.
Yes, it is a Big Change, but already we've seen significant improvements in Mom's health. After Christmas was over I was really happy to learn from her it was her best Christmas ever. We've honestly had some really lousy Christmases, Mom and I, despite all the flare-ups between us, I'm really happy to be able to have her living with us and so grateful for CK's support, insight, and help in caring for Mom
Mom and Tree - 2012
My job change back to hands-on IT administration is now (un)officially 2 years as of this December (from when I started as "contract-to-hire"). I'm the administrator for all of the BusinessObjects applications servers for one of Oregon's largest technology companies. It is challenging and reminds me yet again that in the long run I really would like to move away from hands-on administration and move more into project and team management. In the new year my manager will be trying to find space in my project load to make sure I get to do more technical lead work, particularly on projects with lots of user acceptance testing.
My yoga practice still includes teaching, although much of the year has seen both my teaching and personal practice severely hampered. The minor fender-bender took a toll on my right shoulder and my neck, taking far longer to heal than I'd have expected (wanted). As 2012 ends I'm only just getting back to real weight-bearing on my shoulders and arms. Hopefully a return to shoulderstands will brighten my 2013!
Amidst the upset CK and I managed to visit New Orleans. The trip was sadly overshadowed by worries about Mom which added a lot of fatigue and stress. Despite all of that we hunted for letterboxes, enjoyed some good vegan food, and saw Indians. We look forward to a return trip when our attention is not so divided.
Indian at Louis Armstrong Park
CK and I got in a long-weekend to visit Bend and Central Oregon. Having spent so much time there, particularly during the summer while growing up, I'm surprised it has taken us so long to visit there. CK fell in love with the high desert and the mountains of Central Oregon. We're really looking forward to more visits.
Dora may hate water, but she LOVES snow! Obsidian Flow - Lapine, Oregon, June 2012
Having my talk on application tuning and team engagement at the 2012 BusinessObjects User Group meant a trip to Disney World. Given that the conference happened during our wedding anniversary and that CK had always wanted to go to Disney World, we added some time on the trip and I was delighted she joined me. The little bit of extra time meant we also got to see the Space Shuttle Endeavor hanging in the gantry, waiting to be loaded on the plane for Los Angeles. We also saw the Saturn V rocket and had an all around amazing day filled with space exploration artifacts.
Saturn V Rocket!!!
I also managed to squeeze in a few days in August to visit friends out at Mercer Lake. It was nice to spend a relaxing weekend, including a kayak trip around the very-still lake, and some letterbox discoveries.
Newt spotted along the trail up the north side of Heceta Head (letterbox hunting grounds)
In December CK convinced me to take a long weekend away for myself, just to rest. I had to admit that the only trips I'd ever taken alone were only done so under the guise of work, either for my actual job or for such things as yoga training retreats, and Zen sesshin (retreat practice). I had a lot of anxiety about going, but in the end had a really wonderful time. I was utterly delighted by getting to see a shooting star during the Geminid showers (a clear night, on the Oregon coast, in December - amazing) and getting to enjoy the major storm that blew in to accompany the King Tides. My return day was filled with cold, December sunshine, as I made my slow way back home.
Near Seal Rock
It has been quite a year. Looking back I'm grateful for the really positive experiences and accomplishments that have happened. Given the rather extreme stress and upset the year has brought, it would be easy to lose sight of these things. I know I'd not have made it this far or done this well in 2012 without the support, understanding, and encouragement of my loved-ones, CK at the very top of that list.
Tonight there will be vegan Japanese food and a very small handful of friends over for games. Not sure how Mom will like the food, but she's sure to like some of the things we have or I'll make her a Gardein 'Chickn' patty! Beautiful food, laughter, and our little family is just the right way to end this rather hard year.
Obie and I Sharing a Quiet Morning Snuggle
King Tides
King Tides at Strawberry Hill + Big Log - December 2012
This has been a heck of a weekend for weather drama. Meteors my first night and the sound the wind trying to pull the cabin off the hill, with sea foam flying outside my windows as though it was snow! All the while seals and seabirds bob along in storm-tossed waves as if this wasn't anything big.
CK wouldn't enjoy being here, exposed and alone out on this bluff as I am. This tiny cabin is literally buffeted on all sides by powerful wind (gusting at up to 70 miles-per-hour) and the waves are truly enormous. She finds these sounds of water and weather unnerving, but for some reason they comfort me. I've been cultivating a mental image of the sea foam being blown through the air as a reminder that my little collection of anxiety and fear is so small, that wind like this just blows it all right through me.
After the terrible headache yesterday, I woke up feeling rested and clear. I went out to try and find treasure in the low, morning tide. I've come to the conclusion that winter is not agate-hunting weather as I only found one in my time out in the morning. I did find several interesting rocks and a few very interesting pieces of driftwood. I came back, ate breakfast, warmed up and went out again to watch the enormous waves.
I'm fascinated by the seabirds and seals out in the pounding surf, just bobbing along. I anthropomorphize them as "intrepid", but I'm called to re-read the Genjo Koan and find them instead,in their element.
Played with ATCs today and decided that I'd stay in. There's Christmas celebrations happening in the lighthouse keeper's cabin at Heceta Head, but the wind makes driving a challenge and I'd rather stay safely, warmly inside even if it sounds like I'll be blown right off the bluff!
Today has even inspired a bit of poetry. Of course, within minutes of writing it I was telling myself it was too pretentious to be shared. Maybe so, but here it is regardless:
King Tides
They name them
King Tides,
Being higher
And stronger than
The usual waves
Blown by the
Fierce winds
Of December.
Some might say
God is in those waves.
Proof of a Masculine deity
Pounding the shoreline.
Others will say
There is nothing more
Than mundane science
In the shifting of water
As dictated by a rock in space.
Some see the tides
Called by the Moon
As the sure evidence
Of a Divine Feminine.
None of these arguments
Matter to the waves
Or the rocks they crash into.
No conversation changes
The way the wind catches
The top of each crest or
Is considered by the intrepid
Sea birds floating amidst
The relentless movement
Of the sea toward the shore.