Centered, but in Molasses
I saw GM today and talked, ranted and let out all the stuff I'd been working on these past couple of weeks. I went back and forth between me and how stuff happening with CK left me feeling. In learning what are OK responses, I worry that sometimes I'm over-reacting to things, being over-protective or reactive.
I finally wound round to talking about what had come up during zazen last week. I noted now it felt different, that I didn't literally feel the world shift. Sometimes when memories slip in or a flashback happens it feels as though I've lost my balance, physically, for real. That the flashbacks can be auditory or even recall a physical sensation adds to the disorientation they cause.
She said it almost sounded like my brain had made a conclusion about things, about what happened after my memories suddenly come to a stop, "the film runs out" is how I describe it. The way my brain my settled, knew, no longer questioned and hypothesized. She called it huge insight and pointed at how way that zazen is a place where my mind knows I am safe so it is free and quiet enough to have these kinds of realizations.
GW thought it very significant that I seem balanced when I've had my yoga schedule going on, work being very busy, the relationship building with CK and the relationship re-shaping with AM, add on top of this processing abuse from my childhood. She said she was relieved in a way that I feel tired, she said it would have been more worrisome if I wasn't tired.
GW said something interesting. She feels that I am doing so much with the yoga on top of my Zen practice. In many cases she would be counseling someone on making a poor choice, but I don't go out 5 nights a week drinking. I have 5 days a week that include deep yoga practice, 1-2 days a week of Zen practice with sangha. I devote this time, and I did note that I find myself exhausted at this third-way point of my yoga training, to things that support me.
I laughed when she said she felt like in spite of it all I was balanced, centered, and making progress still. I responded (ever quick to lessen a compliment) that I was doing so in molasses. Slow progress.
Maybe not as slow I as call it either. I told her about metta practice, about being able to consistently offer it to myself after having the insight moment during zazen. I still haven't talked with HB about this, about being able to stay with myself. It also occurred to me how today I was able to tell GM about the moment in zazen, to talk about the certainty of it. To talk to any degree, even indirectly about the sexual abuse during my early childhood without collapsing into choked silence, muscle spasms and fear is significantly changed from last summer.
Moving Towards Health
I'm sitting down in my basement after a dinner of leftover, split pea soup with the rest of a loaf of multigrain bread from the Pearl Bakery. Although I have been feeling weak all day I was surprised at my stamina during asana practice tonight at Prananda. I actually feel in better health than before class, still coughing some, but the heat of practice (I was sweating) seems to be beneficial. When we got to bridge pose I felt very tired and used a block to support myself so I could just deeply feel the opening across the heart.
It has been a long couple of days. Wednesday night after asana practice and a warm dinner my coughing got worse. I ended waking CK up at 4AM Thursday with my coughing. I felt so awful when we work up Thursday that I called AM to come pick me up. I ended up sleeping most of the day on Thursday.
In finally admitting to myself I needed to stay home Thursday night, not go to the Dharma Center, I realized how important that night of zazen is to me. Even when things are on an even keel I look forward to the feeling of sitting in the zendo with everyone. Now, particularly, next to CK, hearing her breathing beside me. I feel deeply connected to her when we sit zazen together.
The week had been so stressful. DW had reached a point in her detox process that she was feeling very ill. I felt destablized and afraid, closing in on myself and into silence. I felt myself deeply resenting having to ask someone to take my place as Ino because I was too ill to be there.
I'd make a point later, at a point where I felt just taut with stress, I'd go and sit zazen myself. It near the time the sangha was sitting and I let myself setting into my breath, feeling the connection even across town. I was glad to be home and not disrupting everyone as every 5 minutes or so I'd cough deeply.
I felt better after sitting, back in my body and not flying around in emotions. I'd have dinner and nearly fall asleep sitting up afterward. AM would convince me to go to bed and I was dozing off in bed before I usually finished chanting.
When I woke up this morning I felt considerably improved. I got out my laptop and did some work. I felt well enough to zip over to CK's and have a sandwich with her. I really valued this quick bit of time since I'd been feeling how deeply I was missing our schedule of seeing each other while I was sick and helping out DW.
Resting in Silence
It has been a long day, several long ones actually. After the wrenching news of DW's heroin addiction last week I've felt taut with worry. I sense the way I've changed these past few years because I was able to be present for a lovely, wonderful day with CK on Sunday. Promptly feeling ill on Monday didn't help at all. Normally I'd have fought this off, but the stress of the hum of worry in the background has depleted those resources.
Sideways
The morning started with my not feeling entirely rested and grateful that AM was driving me into the office. While getting ready I checked into to work email and found that the contract had not been ratified by the union. We're back under the threat of work stoppage and everything that entails. I've asked for a waiver for Saturdays since I have teacher training. Not working a contingency schedule yet, but just trying to plan for it.
Polishing
I slept pretty well, hard, and woke up ahead of the alarm. Although I felt stiff, I could quickly tell that my hips felt a lot better from BM working on them. We needed to get going pretty quickly so AM would be able to take TE to an appointment. I was doing alright until I was in the shower and the first muscle spasm hit in my lower back. I tried to breath and stretch through them, but they were not letting up at all.
After seeing me standing there with a hand on my back AM commented that I should work from home again today. I didn't really argue, I knew I had many meetings throughout the day and it felt hard to stand much less sit. I went back upstairs and put on some warm fleece then came back down to make some tea & toasted English muffin. I didn't feel as bad as Monday, wasn't feeling nauseated, but still felt fatigued on top of the pain. A good look in the mirror revealed that I still had rather dark circles under my eyes.
As I had my breakfast I rang into the first of 4 conference calls. The day wore on, I tried to get up and move a bit more frequently so I wouldn't stiffen up too much. I had some of the lovely leftover soup for lunch. I've been oddly hungry today, on top of meals I have snacked on apples and corn tortillas (in the toaster oven, with jam). I've tried to make the meals rather small, so maybe it isn't so unusual I was still hungry.
I'm trying to CB's voice in my head, "Now don't get obsessive!" when it comes to eating and my weight. It was such long, hard work that I begrudge any pound put back on. I went from having to make sure I stopped eating before I stuffed myself to having to judge if I've eaten enough to not end up feeling ill. I have to keep reminding myself of the small sizes of the clothes I have and that they still fit fine.
I was thinking about talking to BM yesterday, how I told her that my therapist tells me I'm making rapid progress but I felt like I was still just spinning. The seemingly constant grinding of all the things coming up, new thoughts, old fears, and shame inappropriately put upon me.
Something came back to me from reading Thoughts Without a Thinker by Mark Epstein a couple of years ago. How our true nature, brilliant as a diamond, is obscured by things like traumatic events. Our psyche scraped and scratched until the surface is dulled.
Perhaps this work now, although it feels like it is chafing my heart and soul, is not further scratching but it the polishing necessary to restore the clarity and brilliance that we all begin with. Just the way stones are put into a tumbler to slowly polish away the rough surface so the beauty beneath shines.