Snowed In
Last night I was aware of missing CK on a night when I usually don't see her. That somehow her being down the coast, her not being in the city made me miss her more. She was supposed to land at 2:30 this afternoon, but instead there is 6 inches of snow outside and she is in Sacramento at her Mom's.
I had been in a good mood, deciding to go down to Jantzen Beach to do a little holiday gift shopping with my stash of gift cards and practice some snow driving. Found a few things at one shop and was sitting on the floor in Barnes & Nobel looking at books when CK phoned me from the Oakland airport to say that Southwest had just cancelled all their flights into Portland for the day.
I wrapped up my decisions and drove carefully back to the house. As I went over the slough I noticed that I could barely see past the sides of the bridge, the snow was coming down steadily and there was very little visibility. The cancelled flights made a lot of sense then.
So AM, DW and I spent most of the day sitting around the house. I cleaned through my beading supplies (I need another case to sort beads into, have numerous random tubes and bags again) and started some knitting. Around 5PM it was out into the snow to go to CK's to check in on Atari who was cold and lonely. AM & I popped into Whole Foods briefly and picked up a couple of things. I then drove us to get gas then back to the house.
The snow has fallen steadily all day long. As I'm writing this it has started to turn into ice pellets. I miss CK. I'm chatting with her, have talked to her on the phone today, but I miss her being a handful of miles away at most. I miss being with her on a Saturday night, snuggled up in bed together.
Yeah, good practice. I realize I feel a buzzing irritation with the storm, with this whole trip to Sacramento and the stress she has felt around it all. Annoyance at not being with her on one of "our" nights. I'm trying not to judge the feelings, just note them, be compassionate to myself and the ways in which CK helps me find a way to be at peace with myself.
It is the practice of realizing that we do without the people we love. And it makes me realize that I love her. Over the past year I've felt that change, deepen beyond the sharp keen edge of new desire and passion. This is just a profound awareness of the ways in which I feel she completes my life.
Tight
Had a massage from BM today. I told her about nearly falling, how my hips hurt so bad on Friday that I had that emotional response, oh.... and learning to drive CK's truck (have wondered if that's why the left ankle has been so tense). She said, "Well, we're work on that!"
She started checking out my neck and I was surprised at the tension. I could feel that my whole neck was solid, taut, no movement between the vertebrae. The pain shot through my left shoulder, up into my jaw, and down my back.
While she worked on my body I found several places where the tension was so great, the spots she worked little points of intensity. I switched to Ujjayi Pranayama to help breathe through the heaviness of the energy. Pushing the breath through my shoulders, back, and hips, down my legs and out my feet.
Yesterday was beautiful. Woke up at 8AM and looked out of the window to see falling snow. We snoozed a little longer and by 9AM the snow was accumulating. At about 10:30 I got a message from CS that Dishman was closing up for the day so CK and I decided to walk up to her athletic club for a work out.
It was nice to share that practice with her, like so many of the other things we've found to share. We did some stretching and work on our core muscles, abdomen and then moved onto weight machines. After doing some isolation of my leg muscles I walked on a treadmill for half a mile while CK settled into a run next to me. I then headed down to an empty studio to go through some standing yoga poses.
While we were on the treadmills there was an announcement that the club was closing up at 1PM due to the increasingly bad weather. CK and I had a quick soak then bundled up to walk back to her flat for lunch. Her meeting with DTH was cancelled so we bundled up again, walked to MAX and went to Pioneer Square to enjoy the city in the snow.
The experience, Portland covered in a layer of white, was lovely. There was a bump in our day when CK had an unsettling call from her family. She walked with me up to the art museum anyway and I took pictures of the sculpture garden. My hands were freezing so we went and sat in the atrium of the Galleria to warm up a bit. After that we headed home, trying to keep ourselves warm in the truly frigid wind.
The Cat Has Exited the Bag
Having told the close core of friends, sangha, and co-workers this week, AM sent out the message he had I have been working on the past several days. Have only heard back from a few friends -- a couple of emails and a nice voice message from SJ.
It has been tough this week, talking to people. Made me very aware of how difficult I find it to be open with people now. I was reflecting upon how open I could be about myself, my sexuality, when I weighed 290 pounds. Having that extra person surrounding me really made it easy. Now I feel exposed, vulnerable, back to being the scared kid I've been hiding all my life.
I told my teacher training class today that I was mentally, emotionally, and physically. I realized in talking to CK afterward I knew I could even add "spiritually" to that list. I feel just depleted by the whole effort of it even though I feel relieved to have finally gotten the news out. Am trying to stay mindful of having had that bit of experience trigger the other night, those tend to send me a little lower while I process them.
After a long, draining, and physically challenging day of teacher training CK picked me up. Coming into the flat I saw the lights she'd hung up and the small, living tree she had decorated. It was such a sweet moment and helped equalize some of my energy.
The question that comes to my mind for HB is how do I let these emotions come up, be present with them, and move through them. It is reasonable to mourn and feel the pain I experienced as a child but wasn't safe to express at the time the experience itself happened, but at times it feels overwhelming to me. Perhaps he'd just remind me to stop trying to rush through things, there is no timeline for this.
One Down
Talked to one of my oldest, best friends tonight about the relationship changes. It wasn't great timing -- it was out at a coffee house in SE as part of a games night event that includes a lot of people she knows from Love Tribe. Ideally this is not where I'd share the news about AM and I, but it was face-to-face and I'd rather share with people in person than not.
I prefaced telling her by asking her not to say she was sorry until I finished. I told her that we were getting divorced because we needed to be authentic and honest with our lives. That pretending my being lesbian didn't matter for the last few years has eroded our friendship and isn't fair to either of us. That we were still going to be friends and our doing this would ensure that we would stay close friends.
I never expected SW to get upset or say anything terrible. Mostly I just felt bad about sharing such news at a social event. I talked to her about sending out the news via email because of the time of year, not wanting some to know before others, and many other reasons. She agreed that was a good idea and then just see people as I/we can. That was nice to hear that input from a close friend.
We spent some time chatting and catching up. She said how amazed she is to hear me talking about bicycling and that I'm even considering trying to go on a backpacking trip on a couple of years. I talked to her about CK and I, some of the things we want to do with our life together. SW shook her head a lot, smiling and laughing at times at how much we've both changed over these nearly 20 years of friendship. More than anything she said she is happy to see me getting to really be myself. A sentiment that seems to be a common thread when I tell people the whole of things.
I didn't get as much done at work today as I had planned for myself. My day sudden got taken up in working with other people and projects. Tomorrow we're doing a "white elephant" gift exchange and potluck, several of the retirees are coming to join us, so I won't get a lot done either. I find it difficult switching the gears between programming and coaching or working with clients, when I spend a day called onto "people" stuff it is hard for me to effectively program much. Maybe next week I'll work a few more days from home, block some time on my calendar and just program in quiet.
Yesterday was lovely! Slept in, CK made me toast & tea while I had a hot shower, went and taught asana practice, we had lunch then went out adventuring. The primary adventure was teaching me to drive her very manual, old, fussy Toyota pick up.
I'd learned to drive a manual transmission when my Mom first taught me to drive when I was 16. I didn't earn enough to cover the amount I'd increase my parent's auto insurance policy, so I never got my license until I was 25. At that time, and since then, I've owned vehicles with automatic transmissions.
It went really well. We went out to a transit mall and I practiced stopping and starting several times. Then I drove around the parking lot. CK noted this morning that when I started thinking about what I was doing I stalled it more. I apologized to the truck several times.
Afterward, confidence and enjoyment was high so we went on over by the IKEA and I practiced some more. Even drove us home to her flat, only stalling it a handful of times.... Well, after stalling it about 3 times at the first real light! When it got to parking it (reverse is very hard) I decided I'd had enough. CK parked the truck and we went inside to have some cider with very nice rum, watch an episode of Six Feet Under, and make dinner.
She kept saying how I was obviously a natural at it, that I remembered what to do. And yes, there is some part of that. The other part is how well she teaches, how compassionately and encouraging. It was a joy to know yet another way in which she is a a wonderful partner. Each time we come up to one of these moments where the people involved in a relationship find out that they might rub each other the wrong way (like travelling together, her going to my doctor's appointment, and now teaching me to drive manual), we find out we rub along quite nicely together.
Comfortable
The shorter days and decreasing temperature are getting to me. It isn't even 9PM yet and I feel tired out already. I feel sleepy and achy much of the time. I was trying to remind myself that this time of year I always start to feel worse. I believe this is what has been feeding my feeling of not being able to be active enough to co-parent with CK.
Open, Deep Places
Tonight I am up late. I've been cooking quite a lot and picked up one of my dearest friends from the airport at 9:45PM, in from San Francisco. Then cooked some more.
CK is down in Sacramento and I miss her. I know I've written something like this before. I remember being aware of missing her when she was home in July, but this feels different. She has commented noticing the same thing. How she didn't feel this way even just a couple of weeks ago.
Over the past few weeks our relationship has moved into a new place. In trying to put my mind to it the place it seems as though we have lost some of the urgency that is felt during a new relationship. In the place of the insistent sensations of want and uncertainty there is a feeling like moving into a deep, open space.
Another memory of swimming, this came to mind while thinking about the more open place my relationship with CK is now --
Before my third year of college I was teaching swimming, canoeing, kayaking, and synchronized swimming at a girls camp in central Oregon. On a day off I hiked over the ridge from the camp to a small lake a couple of miles away. The day was tremendously hot and the sun bright in a dark blue sky. There was no one else at the lake, I walked all the way around it and there was not another person to be seen. The water was still, dark and clear.
In the quiet I slid out of my clothing and slipped, naked into the cool water of the lake. Not my usual behavior, but I felt entirely at ease. My inspection of the shore, the other trails leading to the lake, had left me feeling safe to just enjoy the water alone.
I did breaststroke out several feet from shore, using a very causal, quiet form as to not break the silence. Then I floated, gazing up at the sky, pine trees at the edges. It was so quiet. Nothing but a slight breeze, an occasional bird, and the sound of lake water against my ears.
Anniversaries
I remember RC saying to me that he felt that anniversaries are more important in our lives than birthdays. We weren't party to the choice of our birthday, we just arrived for it. But anniversaries often mark an event we choose or an event significant to the lives we're a part of. I reflect upon the years I've been teaching yoga, the times my Father and my Dad each died, the first few times CK and I went out together, and the time when AM and I got married.
Compared to each of these times I can reflect back on the years that have passed. What has changed (much) and what has stayed constant (little) and how I still relate to the anniversaries. Those dates remain fixed in time but I am remain in movement. This autumn and winter marks the 8th year since my Dad died, the 7th year since my Father died (just a little over a week ago), the 7th year since AM & I got married, the 3rd year I've been teaching yoga, the 3rd year I've been practicing at Zen Community of Oregon, and one year I've been seeing CK.
The next year will be full of changes. All of these anniversaries will remain, perhaps a couple of new ones added, however the way I relate to each of them will have changed. Next year I will not be taking CK to the airport to share the holiday with her family -- either I will be with her or she will remain here and will creating new anniversaries and traditions. I find myself really excited at this thought and that helps offset the undercurrent of crankiness that has been there since I kissed her good-bye at the terminal.
Off Balance
More than anything I feel entirely off balance. I feel anxious but not entirely connected to anything other than the sudden, large changes coming. Although I was surprised at AM's quick decision to move us both into a new life, separate, he's not wrong.
Sudden
I was unprepared for things to go they way they've gone. At first I thought I was merely asking for space, acknowledging that I didn't think I would change back into someone who felt the same level of passion.
AM is checking into housing. He spoke to the manager at our bank today and got advice on the steps we'll have to take disconnect our finances, our shared accounts. He feels excited, nervous, worried, and glad we are taking this step. He talks about what things he would like to keep when he moves, where he would like to move.
I still feel stunned at the sudden nature of the change. I thought we might keep the relationship going longer, but I really didn't feel like things would get better. I didn't expect AM to fully agree and set things in motion quickly. Part of me was so busy bracing for anger that I didn't expect harmony in situation known for acrimony.
Tonight I was sitting by the fireplace knitting a scarf for CK's mom. I had a moment of thinking of her there, sitting near me reading aloud to us by a fire. It was a good thought, I noted it and just enjoyed it without the worry and guilt swirling around it.
Considering Each Choice
I'm feeling really tired out tonight. It has been a couple of big emotional talks, both with AM and CK, sandwiched around a very full day of yoga teacher training and my teaching Sunday. Also ended up getting my new mobile phone sorted out (about 90 minutes inside of Lloyd Center... ick). I feel pretty drained now, but not awful.
With AM and I it was really one too many "little things" the past week. Stuff just not being taken care of, feeling like my requests are set aside again and again. It all just came to a point where, in response to his enthusiastic input to an idea I'm working on for a yoga website, I found myself telling him that I felt as though he had many other priorities to attend to rather than get distracted by my project ideas. After we had talked a little more I finally said that more than anything my trust in our relationship had eroded over the past few years, to the point I was feeling rather hopeless.
Today I finally admitted to CK just how shaky I've been feeling about my relationship with AM. I also shared how I'd talked with AM on Friday, letting him know how tenuous I felt. How tight things are financially, which felt terrifying to share. How scared and upset, on top of all the icky shame stuff, I've been feeling.
I had been trying to tell her small bits, but afraid to share the whole with her. By the time the weekend rolled around I really had started to feel like both relationships were crumbling away. She talked more with me too and it was helpful to really learn from her what she was feeling rather than always trying to make it out via the underlying tension. We both agreed that although these truths are difficult, that we still need to reveal them together.
AM and I spoke further back at the house later. I commented that I still felt like he was my best friend, but that I also just felt like all my tricks for coping with being unhappy with how things have been are used up. He commented back that he felt like he had, worst of all, disrespected a friend in how he's treated me. He wants to show me that he can actually be the person he says he is.
I was trying to keep in the back of my mind something HB said this past week during a dharma talk. That our only way is to do the skillful, ethical thing in each situation as it arises. We cannot predict what we'll do next year, we can only approach each choice that is presented to us as it comes and in that moment make the choice that best embodies the precepts.
In this exact moment it feels right to continue talking to AM and giving him some time. He has noted that he knows he has to start showing me he really is intent on changing, doing what I need to feel more supported. I feel like it honors the relationship we have shared, the regard & love we have for one another. To honestly acknowledge what I need and provide space to see if those needs can be met. That's this moment.
I honestly don't know if there will be a change. I'd like there to be one. I'd like to believe my best friend can be who he says he is, especially in being a real partner to me. It would make my whole path more clear if changes did occur and it entirely fits with my real deep feeling for the precept that guides us to see the good in others. But I honestly cannot predict that changes will happen or not.
I feel profoundly grateful that CK reminds me of her love for me, that she doesn't plan to leave me. It kicks up the shameful feelings, the need to hear her say it leaves me feeling weak. This is scary, big stuff and sometimes I feel cut off from her by it. I can feel my body, my tense breath, but I cannot sense her sometimes.