Bicycling Around Town
About that time, when I was feeling particularly uncharitable towards people I work with, I left to take my new bicycle back to the shop.
A back rack, very stylish, was added to the bike as well as a bottle holder for the handlebars since one can't be put on the frame. One of the mechanic crew fixed the looseness in the post so my saddle doesn't flip around when I lean back into it. He also adjusted the handlebars back a little. Brought it home, hung out with AM for a little while then he and I got an old, metal Alpenrose milk crate bungie-corded onto the back. I loaded up my yoga gear and made it to the community center in 17 minutes.
I rode over to CK's after a nice class (they even tried side plank). Hung out with her for a little while, talked about my technical problem at work. After I had some water, almonds, and sitting I got my laptop I'd left there in the morning, and get everything loaded up. CK laughed a little and noted how I looked like a typical Portland bicycle commuter all of the sudden.
I made it back home again on the bicycle. The last two blocks going up towards Alberta feel so long, even longer tonight with the laptop, yoga straps, eye bags, speakers and my backpack. After I got up to Alberta I enjoyed the long, slight slope downhill home.
Finally Home
CK got home this evening and I am so relieved, happy and just settled feeling now that she's back. We got over to my house, grabbed up my things, she got to see the new bicycle and we came over to her flat for the evening. Dropped stuff off, went to the market, came back and made up some quick tempeh tacos. Sat on the bed, ate dinner with a beer then played Magic (I won after not having played for years & years with an "elven" deck of hers).
Just a slide back into "routine". I realized, as she was hugging me at the car in the airport garage, that some undercurrent of fear had really crept in. Some nagging sensation that she'd gone down to see her family and they'd have "talked sense" into her about this whole relationship thing. She set her things in the back and hugged me close; just huge relief whooshed through me.
A trickle of it has started inside, I went ahead and paid to park for the 10 minutes (tops) I was in the lot so I could meet her as she came through security. Her flight had been a little early, luckily I checked at the house AND my house is very close to the airport, so I just made it. Walking across the open area just as I saw her come out of the gates. She smiled when she saw me and gave me a quick hug & kiss.
It is the ease with which she displays affection for me that just leaves me silent and smiling sometimes. The first long-term girlfriend I had wouldn't show me affection in public to the extent of pulling away from me when I went to take her hand while walking together in downtown Portland. I set that aside, never being able to adequately explain to her why that hurt me so much and she never really allowed the space to put it to words.
There is just such intimate beauty in being able to lovingly touch someone in public. Not even to the extent of passionately kissing or touching. Holding hands, the way I put my head on CK's shoulder when I'm tired of standing, or the way she puts her hand on the back of my head and neck. They are not passionate, excessive displays in public but they are very intimate. They are precisely why I have started telling my Zen sangha about my relationship. Those intimate touches give it away and it is unfair of me to try and hide them, suppress them because they might be seen by someone who will judge.
What I find so interesting is how powerful they are when I'm made aware of how people can react. The rude Texan woman giving us a glare in line at the aquarium in Vancouver B.C. All that had happened was one of those sweet, simple intimacies of comfort and affection. Had we been a heterosexual couple of any age at all she would likely have not even noticed or maybe even smiled. Because we are two women sharing that level of intimacy, clearly "more than just friends" we got a glare.
I don't think about making those kinds of gestures. There's no time to get wrapped up in worrying that someone will condemn me for kissing CK lightly, or holding her hand when we walk together. We share that deep, intimate connection and love so why wouldn't I want to just have the simple pleasure of having that level of public touch. I don't even think twice about it. I suppose that's why it hurt so much years ago when MM pulled away from me -- although she loved me and would say so, she was always thinking about who might be watching, who might tell her parents (at the time they lived in Hawaii still), a client might see and not call back. She was never just caught up in loving me and wanting to hold my hand for the sheer pleasure of that connection.
That so much of American society thinks that way and worse is pretty infuriating. Why should it matter in any way at all when people want to express love and joy in the world. There is such a stinginess about Love. When Jessa was dying I really had a perspective shift on Love and gained this sense of the vastness of it just out there -- rather along the lines of how the late Douglas Adams described how immense the universe is* in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
I am perplexed at people wanting to hold Love in, codify it, contain it despite it being so utterly beyond our full knowing.
* "Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-boggling big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."
If you replace "space" above with "love" up there and it pretty much sums it up.
Bicycle Anxiety
So I'm still reeling in shock from having purchased a bicycle today. AM has suggested I stop thinking about the numbers, noting that this is an investment. He and CK both really wanted me to get something that I'd enjoy, be comfortable riding, and be safe on. I will just have to be really good about finances through November so I pay for my teacher training program. It really isn't like I can't do it, but I've never felt like I'm very good with financial stuff. It is something that has felt difficult and painful to learn. I was utter amazed when my numbers were ran and I was told about the mortgage I qualified for.
Come January the car will be paid off as well as my old tuition account at Beliot. This weekend, aside from spending a pile of money on a bicycle and gear AM and I just hung out around the house. We ate meals at home except for Friday night when we went to Dalo's. AM worked on a podcast mix set. I wrote, read every review on a Townie I could find, and we watched Batman Begins last night. Really what we know makes it hard on us financially and physically, since we've all put on weight (almost 15 pounds for me) during the spring & early summer, is eating out!
I find it hard to spend this kind of money on myself like this. No question, all of this money is being spent on solely me. AM won't be riding this bike. CK might try it out, but she loves her bike. I think something runs into feeling unworthy of spending this money. Having spent early childhood in poverty then growing up with a mixed message -- so many things were cheap, "make do" but a lot might be spent on a shopping trip for back-to-school clothes (that Mom mostly picked out). Just feels like a lot of the "make do" stuff needed to be where the money was spent. Many monetary decisions were made because of what Mom wanted and most of the family didn't get the things I thought were worth the expense.
Which is to say I feel guilty having spent this money. I feel guilty having made the decision to pay my yoga training in 3 installments rather than all at once so I would be able to buy a bike now. But when I follow those down I just find that sense of being unworthy since I also feel like I've made a good decision even if it is more than I thought it would be. That contradiction points further back to the past affecting the present moment.
I just feel uneasy. As much as I've enjoyed a quiet weekend hanging out with AM, I miss CK. I miss the little routine we all are learning how to have. I wanted to share getting a bicycle with CK; the other feelings of guilt and unworthiness really get in on this route and I find myself feeling guilty for not waiting for her.
When I write that down and look at it I feel silly. It is so damn hard to break out of all of this crap programming I got as a kid. Makes me wonder just how much of my fear something will go horribly wrong is somehow rooted in all of this unworthiness. Clearly one of those moments when some variety of magic wand would really be useful... instead, I think I'll go to bed and hope my legs and hips don't hate me in the morning.
Bicycle
So I'm still reeling in shock from having purchased a bicycle today. After trying out four different bikes and doing a test ride of a guy's model because it was $125 less on a Criagslist add, I settled on a blue, Electra Townie 21 from the Bike Gallery on Sandy; a very cool woman named Marjorie helped me out. In fact I'd gone into the shop yesterday asking to ride a cruiser style bike from the same company. She suggested I try out the Townie while I was waiting for the cruiser to have the seat fixed.
I picked up a very blinky rear LED light that clips onto the Bell Metropolis style helmet (which was thankfully on sale $15 off). I also got a Cats Eye headlight that's mounted on the handlebars. They installed fenders for me and during my first ride I head small rocks from the road catching on them. I'll need to take it back for a couple of adjustments, the saddle moves around a bit on me and I head a little drag noise when I was in the highest gears. They'll also be adding a rear rack and a water bottle holder.
I rode over to her flat tonight on my evening mission to take care of Atari. It took me about 20 minutes to get there. I followed other bicyclists through the intersections that I was a little challenged by (crossing MLK). One guy complimented my bike, which felt pretty good. Once I got home I started to feel anxious again about buying the bicycle.
I'm already $109 over my budget and still need a lock, pump/patch kit, water bottle holder, and the rack (probably over another $110). The bike was more than I was expecting, but is very comfortable for me which is what is really important, otherwise I cannot ride. I spent more on a helmet but am very happy with that choice, ditto for lights. I've decided I'm going to ask Mom if she'll chip in money towards buying some panniers as my birthday gift, especially one that can hold a laptop safely. We're doing some things in very different order so I am able to have a good bike this summer. I'll be able to ride it to yoga classes, over to CK's, around the neighborhood and maybe eventually I'll even be able to ride to work.
Why Practice Yoga
I began a Hatha yoga practice before my Zen practice and feel it is an invaluable contribution; the two work together perfectly. In many ways Buddhism is a yoga practice, one of my yoga books notes that the best know yoga practitioner the world over is the historical Buddha. Siddhartha was practicing yoga on his path on the Way.
One of my Zen teachers asked me one day what was the benefit of my yoga practice and here's what I came up with: Yoga teaches me to be patient and present in discomfort, staying with my breath. It teaches me to stay with the moment and in my body even when I'd rather just curl up under a blanket and hide.
Many yoga poses are not comfortable and my practice has one hold in poses, sometimes for many breaths, minutes. Holding and staying in an intense pose puts the mind no where else but the present moment. Oh it might take a moment to think about how it doesn't want to be there, that it wants to be elsewhere, however the sensations in the body will help keep the mind present. It is a part of the purpose of doing it, to empty the mind and be present. The poses teach us to do that while challenging ourselves. From that, we learn to quiet the mind when just sitting. We learn to do it in everyday moments too.
The sage Patanjali who is credited with writing the Yoga Sutras wrote in the second sutra that "The purpose of yoga is to calm the fluctuations of the mind" .
I remind my yoga students of this a lot. That the purpose is not to have a buff body or touch your toes, it is to settle the mind into silence. The poses do improve health over all and you learn deep practice with the breath, but they are also a very powerful tool in teaching one how to be quiet and present mentally. If as a side benefit you end up with a great backside, can touch your toes, or stand on your head, then be grateful your practice is so physically beneficial!
Happy Weekend!
Oh I am so happy there are no meetings, no co-workers, no code (unless it sounds like fun to do), and no office tension for two days! I had a tension headache going strong by 1PM and it has been going back and forth since then. I feel it from my jaw to my shoulders, all across my head. I'll neti before bed to see if that offers any relief at all -- maybe some sinus irritation complicating things.
The official announcement was made that a person would be leaving my team. The news I learned about yesterday. I'm was aware of knowing ahead of time, not really being able to reveal that (doesn't seem appropriate). I just wanted to work on my scripts too, but there was talking to do with team members. It was just tiring. I did get some more accomplished on my scripts but it was all done through the haze of a headache.
CK wrote me late last night, well very early this morning, to let me in on how she was doing on Wednesday night. She was less anxious mentally than I had thought and was feeling the anxiety in her body in a way that was akin to ticklishness.
When I read that this morning it occurred to me how my anxiety colors things. In writing last night I felt I had identified how my anxiety gets tied up in a desire to comfort CK. That it becomes my own desire to be comforted by touching her. To some degree that could almost be seen as a positive under some circumstances -- both of our feelings of anxiety might be helped when we hold each other. But I also need to be able to be OK with the anxiety I feel. Reading her message this morning I could see how in working to just be with my anxiety is helpful to us both. I still think it was good I remembered I could turn to using metta meditation as a container for my anxiety -- turning it into merit.
Today she's sent me messages letting me know she is doing fine, we talked while I was over with Atari, and chatted this evening. It has been wonderful to have that connection, I'm so grateful that she is willing to include that effort in her time away. I was telling her earlier that I would be just fine if I didn't get that connection, but I do prefer having it. It feels good, nurturing to maintain the closeness of our relationship even when one of us is away.
I'm starting to feel a little less shaky about things. At times it has felt like everything would just fly apart, leaving all of us hurt and I felt terribly guilty and ashamed that I might hurt the two most important people in my life. It has been so terrifying to try and settle into this relationship. Maybe it is only because trying to maintain my practice with it keeps me aware of how connecting, opening up to intimacy with another person can be so frightening. CK is the first person I've fallen in love with without any of the layers of personae I had in prior relationships. It feels at times so much bigger without all of that cushion between my essential self and another person.
It also has been hard to let go of fear that things are going to go badly with AM, that we will end up hating one another, something that always was in the background in my first marriage. It has taken a while for me to really grasp how exhausting the undercurrent of jealously had been, especially since it was mixed with the message that I was supported in whatever I wanted to do. I would go ahead and do something that was fulfilling to me, maybe even something like going for a bicycle ride and not even a date with another person, and I would be told that what I wanted to do was fine, I was supposed to be able to do what I wanted. After all, AP and I supposedly had a polyamorous marriage. But I'd do what I wanted, needed to do and I'd be greeted with silence, sharp words, envy.
Test Ride 1
I thought about going to yoga this evening -- burning away some of the tension of work. My head hurt so much after work I didn't want to do much of anything. After a little bit AM and I went up to Cascade Cycling and I had a test ride on a Biria Easy Board 7. Somewhat strange looking but I found it very easy to get started and off down the street. I felt a more stable and a lot more comfortable than I had when I rode the Trek. I was actually surprised at how comfortable I was!
I'm still finding shifting unusual (improved, just different), but then I've not been on a bicycle for so long things have changed a lot. The guy at the store first explained why the other Biria bikes were quite a lot more expensive and I realized I didn't understand him at all! I told him so, he explained the encased gears and the ability to shift the bike while it was stationary. Impressive, but I'm fine with the old style gears.
What does it mean to miss someone
Last night, while trying to get to sleep I saw that CK lay facing me and she had pulled her hands up tight to her chest. At that moment I'd been feeling a bit of fear and was rubbing my hands with anxious energy. Seeing her face tucked down towards her hands I thought that we looked like two frightened children hiding under the blankets together. I had a moment of feeling things shift, going a little sideways. Some buried echo of being frightened with another little girl under a blanket so many years ago. I was aware of wanting to touch her, feeling how the desire to comfort my own self would try to rationalize as comforting her tension over the flight in the morning.
It took a while, some mindful breathing and I was eventually able to drift off to sleep. In the morning I was tired and sore, but very happy when she told me she actually slept well if too little. I lay in bed aware of her moving around, finishing off her packing, then we were into the car and at the airport.
At noon I ran into a very challenging day at work. More big changes. They affect me personally and make my boss, who is my friend too, miserable. I spent 3 hours solid on the phone. At 2PM I heated up some re-fried & corn tortillas and quickly ate them while on mute. My flood dream seems like some kind of strange premonition now.
AM put together dinner for us and we quickly ate out on the deck before going to the Dharma Center for Zazen. I finished first and sat back in my chair on the deck, pulling my feet in close. "Missing her already?", AM asked me.
I thought about it. I'd been thinking about it all day. Yes, I miss her. But it isn't just her companionship and feeling cut off from that since she's in California. We've been apart for a few days at a time. Although even being apart for more than a day or two in town and I miss her.
I finally answered AM. I told him it wasn't that I was missing her. I was feeling the anticipatory anxiety for her time with her family tomorrow. What I am missing is the ability to be there and rub her feet, put music on for her, take care of her in whatever way offers her comfort and ease. I can't do that from Portland. All I can do is think about her tension around family visits.
During zazen I first just sat, just felt my breath in my body. Starting with fuller breaths, really filling and emptying my lungs. In the second sitting period I returned to metta practice. I offered it for my co-worker who was given upsetting news today of a change in manager; that she will be joining a different team. I offered it to my boss who has had a long year of changes, reductions in her team. Finally I settled in on CK. Making metta a container for my own worry, feeling lost without the ability to offer physical comfort, and gathering up her worried, tense expression I chanted metta practice for her in my mind.
Afterwards I chanted my second time. I was much louder, more confident Kojun said. She thought a very stressful work day led to a more easy chanting service. My teacher told me I needed to enjoy my voice more. He also said I will make an excellent Ino.
No hearing the voices of the past tonight when I chanted. I gave my teacher a quizzical look at his telling me to enjoy my voice more. I remember studying voice at college felt like such a daring thing. Done so far away from home no one would hear me and tell me that I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Two thousand-plus miles I found that I had a strong, good voice but I never grew comfortable in it and I only enjoyed it when I was surrounded by the rest of the choir. Even then I felt a little nervous, as if at any time someone would tell I was an imposter and disgrace me.
Thursdays make for such late nights. At least tomorrow is Friday and there isn't much beyond gardening planned.
Packing
CK is packing to go to Sacramento for a few days to her Mom's. I'm sitting here typing, talking to her here and there as she puts together the things she needs for the trip. Found a promising yoga studio nearby and sent the information.
Nearly every local, close friend of mine as well as one of my best friends in San Francisco all heard about these emails. I dissected them at length and felt my anxiety grow big. Then Busterpher was sick and I was off to the monastery for women's' New Year retreat. I had invited CK to come out and see the place, have lunch when AM came out to pick me up. Throughout the retreat thoughts, desires, wishes all would percolate up from time to time, offering welcome intrusion compared to the difficult practice of the retreat. My heart welled up with emotion when I came outside on the first day of the new year and saw CK and AM there.
Just over 6 months later and she's off to Sacramento again. We don't run into the nervous, new relationship tension and anxiety as much anymore. We've hit a few bumps, some of them at full speed, in establishing a relationship with no cultural markers, talk about D.I.Y.! There have been scary moments but we're able to at least see through them, able to recall when the small mind gets overwhelmed that the person we're with is compassionate, ethical, honest and loving.
Now it is many minutes later than when I started. CK is all packed, mostly. The spare computer here died while I was typing earlier so I'm now using her "real" computer. Knowing her as I do there is evidence of the bond in this sharing of something so vitally important to her. That she feels my having the means to do this is important and worth sharing.
We need to try to sleep to get up at least by 7AM to go to the airport. In December I sat with the anxiety of wondering if she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. Tomorrow I'll sit with missing her, not seeing her just before I chant service and no plans over the weekend for either us or our family. AM and I will work in the garden, getting winter squash planted finally. Maybe seeding some salad greens, kale and chard. I hope there will be some squash from our garden when she's back. I already look forward to cooking dinner for her when she is back on Monday. I suppose that is slightly more positive sounding than saying that I miss her already.
Big Blue Ball and Summer Market
Listening to Big Blue Ball finally. Hearing snippets about it for the past 15+ years it is a real pleasure to finally hear it. AM felt that perhaps some songs showed a little age having sat around on tape for years. I've found the songs range pretty wildly, which is to be expected. One hit me a little off but that's more likely due to listening to it after a yoga class, dinner and after 9PM when I'm feeling a little more chill.