I felt like I'd run face first into something when I awoke this morning. My eyes ached, my face ached, and my chest & throat still felt taut with hopelessness. I felt queasy and tight fear sent fingers down through my torso to my hips. I had not slept well at all after conversations full of hard truths. Although there are times when truth seems gentle and easy, this is a time when they the truth has a edgy hardness to it.
AM took me into the office, I wasn't really in any shape to ride in. Usually I'd have worked from home, but there was someone I'd worked with retiring today and I wanted to be there for the get together in her honor. I got through the morning, talking with people and trying to eat my oatmeal. When I came back to my desk for a meeting CK had sent me a text message.
She was coming downtown to look at a new office and asked if I wanted to have lunch. By the time she got there I'd finished a nearly two hour meeting to finalize some business requirements and my sinuses ached terribly. I was thinking of leaving early, trying to get my head around setting up the tools and building a database seemed impossible through the pain in my sinuses.
We walked down to Veganopolis. I ordered the African style peanut & yam soup and she got a pot pie. I was still felt queasy and picked at my soup. We talked a little, I felt the words coming haltingly, fighting up through the tension filling my torso. I felt some of the hopelessness lift as our words met.
I decided to take the afternoon off and we walked back to my office so I could let people know and grab my stuff. We took MAX over to the 7th Avenue and walked to her flat. One Zyrtec, two pseudoephedrine, two ibuprofen, and laying down on the bed close to CK helped to finally get the sinus headache under control. We kept talking, finding the way together again.
She brought my attention to my fear, the hopeless belief things are ending that bubbles up to the surface so quickly. It is an area where we run into each other emotionally. I withdraw into certainty that the end is here, the our relationship is over. I get lost in my fear and of no help to either of us.
It has been underneath things for me lately, that fear. When my relationship doesn't hit these bumps things are can be effortless, we just flow together. So much so that I have been having a undercurrent of fear that any moment now it will be taken away from me. I don't think I'd realized how constant that fear had become until we started talking about it.
Another rising, wordless, awful emotion stealing me away from the present moment. Like the others, this conviction that she is leaving me will have to be added to the list of emotions to monitor, to evaluate and re-frame so that I am able to stay present, able to see that I am OK. She spent a lot of time reminding me that she wants to find a way too, that she isn't leaving. Hearing it was like a balm.
We talked about finding a middle way in this. Sometimes we will need to regroup, maybe re-evaluate, maybe even sometimes go back a few steps to gain perspective. I laughed about our middle way, a way others find far out on the fringe and yet the practice for us is the same regardless. We observe the precepts, we look for markers of the way, we practice.
The day started at 5:30 AM with Atari climbing over CK & I, repeated, meowing constantly and biting both of us. We had got to sleep late anyway having stayed up talking and being close in bed together. I woke up again at 7:30AM and made myself get out of bed to take a shower.
I felt bleary and unfocused, so tired and aching. CK offered to drive me in but I said I felt OK enough to walk to the MAX. I wasn't really sure of that, but was alright walking. My shoulder ached from my laptop by the time I made it to the office.
A day of rushing. Hurrying into the shower and into the office. Helping a co-worker get her laptop set up correctly to work on the VPN over a wireless network. Rushing out close to Tigard to attend a Business Objects user group meeting. Coming back through traffic to downtown to catch the train and walk to CK's flat. Quickly eating a little food, updating the merit list, printing the list and another update to the service chanting. Then off to the Dharma center.
Sitting was the first feeling of quiet I had all day. Chanting was easier, my being mindful of the percussive nature of chanting helped me in my flow. Afterward RC provided a couple of comments to me, noting something that all Ino's seem to do, a rising glissando on the names in the short lineage I chant. He thought BG and I chanted somewhat similarly the "heart" in Great Heart of Perfect Wisdom Sutra.
Afterward, surprising me because it came after telling CK that I feel very proud of her. I do feel that pride, she has worked so hard, continues to work so hard to understand herself and was faced with absolutely brutality for trying to express herself. I am quite often just amazed by her.
I do feel the desire to keep doing this hard work. Like the way I've kept doing yoga even though it makes me really hurt at times, same with zazen which at times makes me emotionally hurt too, and the same as keeping going to therapy to work on the old, ugly trauma. Those things have affirmed me and keep me going through the hurt. It feels the same way with my relationship with her.
Today felt productive even though I stayed in my PJs until 2:30! Hmm, maybe it was productive because I stayed in my PJs all day? Needless to say I worked from home and after the assorted Wednesday meetings finished up I threw myself back into the MySQL problems from the day before. Another bonus in being at home today -- I was able to instant message chat with CK and get technical advice on my problems.
At 2:30 I realized I needed shower and to get all my stuff together. I had a 4PM therapy appointment schedule with GM followed by 5:30 physical therapy with IW. It seemed like a tough combination but it really seemed to work well and I didn't feel too rushed. It was such a big help the AM did the driving, which was really quite a lot, but it made the whole thing go smoothly. Unfortunately my appointment with IW ended quite late, nearly 7PM (she is often running late by the time she sees her late afternoon appointments, but even still I was surprised at the time).
I remembered to talk with GM about the strange interaction with my Mom the day after my birthday. The joking, laughing about the paddle. GM just shook her head for a few moments and finally asked, "Does she really joke about that, think it's funny?"
I noted that my Mom, still within the past two years, tells a story of how I buried all of her wooden spoons after school one day because I was tired of being spanked with them. "Hah-hah, don't kids do the damnedest things?"
Of course in the past two years this whole thing, the absolutely desperation I felt as a child doing that. Crawling under the bushes surrounding the back yard, putting each one in a different place. And oh did I get it when she got home and discovered what I'd done. Funny, she always leaves that part out when she tells the story. GM noted to me that growing up not only were my feelings invalidated but the confusion that must have been caused by my Mom then joking about it all.
I was all over the place during my session. Moving from that, because talking about it felt irritating again. I also wanted to talk about my feeling the disappointment so hugely over the family trip then connecting that through to how things happened as a kid. That I would be looking forward to things, counting on them and find myself grounded over something trivial or at the mercy of Mom's decisions, especially around moving so often.
In talking about it, getting validation that this insight was valuable and that I was understandably hurt as a kid, it struck that since connecting the hurt around the disappointment to all the endless disappointments as a child I had felt better. There is far less the sensation of being minimized or unimportant. Yes, there is still disappointment, but it feels reasonable in proportion and not nagging at me in the same way anymore.
I was talking to AM about the Mom stuff while going to IW's studio, and he noted how my Mom's mental illness really makes it impossible for her to really be honest with herself, or anyone else about the past. I had noted that the rest of that day with Mom, after the incident, there was distance. I was stuck with the thought that I really didn't know what to say to her at all and she too was fairly silent. AM commented that if she gets too close to the truth she would have to admit that worse than not always being a good mother she was a downright abusive ones at times. I noted that when the truth gets too close Mom makes a joke. That's why she tells jokes about the things that still give me nightmares.
IW noted that my pain seemed more stabilized. She did what she called some fluid work before getting into my trigger points. She held her hands first on the top and bottom of my left hip, keeping one hand under the sacrum and sit bone. She eventually moved her other hand from the surface of the hip to the bottom of the top curve. It felt very tender, not awful, but intense.
Intense enough that it was difficult to just chat. I closed my eyes and tried to settle into the body. I breathed in and looked at the area that hurt, seeing the left edge of the sacrum glowing orange red, occasionally pulsing into the side of the hip and the top of the femur. I could feel the edge of the panicked feelings that showed up last month when she worked on a trigger point on the sit bone. I tried to breath through the leg, pulling in healing energy on the in breaths and exhaling out through the left hip trying to push out the panic, the hurt, move it down and out of the leg.
When IW finally worked on the trigger points there were far few than usual. This was what she had been hoping for by spending that time on the fluid/energy. The few trigger points left weren't quite as bad except for a couple around the left sit bone. She ended by doing more fluid work and cranial work as well. I felt the top of my head tingling and when I went to stand up I felt the room recede for a moment. Not dizzy, but a real spacey feeling.
I was having a some difficult reconnecting after being so focused on my breath, checking into the hip and noticing how much heavier it felt now, less tensed up. AM was a little frustrated it had taken so long, in large part because he'd been running errands in the car all day and his knee was hurting him. My spacey mind and his tired mind didn't mesh up well at first, I think it was largely my not integrating after therapy. Not that we were truly irritated or angry at all, I could just feel how we were not connecting up.
CK was just starting dinner when I got to the flat. We had lovely summer veggies with sprouted wheat pasta. It was very nice and not just because the tomatoes & zucchini came from our garden. She and I watched the first episode of
True Blood after we ate, I'm interested enough to watch a couple more episodes to see how the story develops.
The books CK ordered on Sunday arrived today. I was laughing at the stack on the coffee table,
Veganomicon by
Isa Chandra Moskowitz &
Terry Hope Romero (a kick-ass vegan cookbook), a copy of
Regular Expression Recipes,
Urban Tantra by
Barbara Carrellas, and
Tantric Sex of Women by Christa Schulte. This combination is so apt, all it really needs is a book about Hatha Yoga and one about Zen and everything would be covered!
Bed soon, we're both tired and it has been a really busy week, especially for CK.
At times the still moments before sleep are a difficult ones, when I slip into barely remembered trauma, flashbacks surface and I don't sleep much the rest of the night. Sometimes it is the most productive analysis and programming I do for work. Other times some kind of ah-ha type of moment settles into the stillness.
That was what happened last night. I was settling into the stillness, feeling my breath and two things came to me. First was missing Bustopher terribly. Thinking about him outside on the front steps last autumn, how happy he was sleeping on the concrete in the sun. Just landed on me and I gasped slightly, tears springing to my eyes. And I breathed through it, accepting it.
Then I felt small and disappointed about canceling a trip. Inwardly I sighed with myself, impatient to have this come having felt like I'd put it to rest. But it was there so I tried to follow the part of it that left me feeling small, put aside. Lots of little things, small things over the years until college, adding up under my psyche. Events I would plan for, hope for, and find myself grounded, stuck in my room reading because I hadn't put my shoes away correctly in the closet, or someone changed their mind about taking me. Nothing huge, just many small voices together in disappointed choir.
What was common was the feeling of not having any say. Not being able to ask why or understand, just another thing, some party or outing just removed. Moving all the time fits in too, my opinion or wishes never part of the decision process. All that irritation awakened by what I'd hoped for not only being denied but having it cause some painful moments as well.
Realizing all of this, breathing it in and through it, was good. It at least brought some sense to why I felt so lousy about being a grown up, or what I think one should be. Part of me really didn't want to be saying those mature things, I wanted to say I was mad. I don't know, part of me also was likely running into the old mind thinking that if I argue I'm just going to get punished. Ugh, so much ugly stuff. Even when it is little things it is suddenly having the long view and seeing a long, long list of little things.
I nearly hopped out of bed to write about then but I was tired and the melatonin was starting to settle my mind down further. When I awoke, before the alarm, at 6:18 this morning this all came back to me with complete clarity, further indication of my being on the right track. I've had it there, in the background all day, and it hasn't hurt at all, I don't feel nearly the agitation around it either. I thought about telling CK when I saw her today, but I just let it sit longer, wanting to be able to word it well for myself first, which has helped me.
I was going to ride in and was up early enough to do so, however, my left hip was shooting pains into the leg and over to the tailbone; AM drove me in. I discovered this morning that somehow, once again the work I'd done on Friday was undone. I wasn't entirely sure I didn't cause the problem. Then I was onto a call with someone to explain database concepts. Then on to meeting with someone to complete requirements on a request I'll be programming on.
Suddenly it was 11:30 and CK was downstairs. We went over to Blossoming Lotus, but DID have different dishes this time. I finally tried the raw pasta, zucchini ribbons tossed with raw marinara, pine nuts, spinach and cherry tomatoes, topped with a raw cashew basil creme. It was delicious and very satisfying. CK had the Salud salad which was something of green salad with brown rice, black beans and half an avocado and a cilantro creme on top. I helped her eat the avocado and though the cilantro creme was very tasty, the rest of it didn't quite seem a salad or a grain-bowl type of dish.
Back to the office and got MySQL up and running again. I have compiled and recompiled to add it to my PHP configuration but it just doesn't seem like it really sees it, when I call php_info() I get details from when I first compiled it and added to the server last month, it doesn't seem to reflect that I've done anything. Very frustrating.... and that's mostly what I did until it was time to leave!
Rode over to teach yoga, it was nice out and riding helped loosen up my hips. The shooting pains had got better at work but I was pretty stiff. It looked to be just two people in class when the door opened and CK popped her head in. She had been going to go to class at Prananda but was running late and stopped when she was riding by the community center and realized that she was right on time for my class! It was a great class, again lots of questions on how to really do the poses!
We rode to the house and I made up some impromptu, but
very tasty sweet and sour. CK hung out for a while talking and then headed home. It was lovely to just get to kiss her, talk with her more, and feel that connection. Over dinner we talked about some differences that past relationships. She noted in the past always feeling the energy moving away from her. I had noted that in the past there would be a rough day, an argument maybe, and afterwards I felt drained. It isn't that I don't feel that, but it isn't the same. I feel like we have made progress, not just put a little bandage on a terrible wound, and I feel very connected to her. I finally got to a better way to say it -- I feel stillness afterwards and connection. In that stillness I can appreciate that I'm tired from the hard work we've done together.
This is hard work we're each doing, I keep reminding myself of that. It is difficult enough to do alone, that we have to work on some of it together is a little frightening and, yet such a help. As hopeless as I sometimes feel when we hit a bump I have always emerged on the other side feeling like we were further along the way.
And now to some still moments before sleep again. It is late for me, but since I am working from home tomorrow I can sleep a little later. Zonker is perched next to my left hip in the papasan chair, I can hear AM snoring a little from the other room, the neighbor (still drunk) has yelled a few times but at least has put down the harmonica.
Although I'm taking notes in my notebook for yoga class I decided to keep a separate blog, Yoga Kuru Karmani (after a quote in the Bhagavad Gita), to track work there as well. I like being able to reference what I've written in an electronic fashion, especially being able to sort through all my entries about asanas by tag. I am able to read over what I've written even if I do not have my notebook with me. Besides, the multiple acts of writing help things stick for me.
Strange and good to be doing homework again. I have better tools, in college I didn't even have my own computer, did computer work in the lab, and typed most of my papers on an electronic typewriter I owned. My parents didn't really get the whole computer thing back then (uh... 1987). I have my old, iBook, which is steady if slow. I can journal and type up work online, much like the approach I took with the writing I did on the five grave precepts using the Google Docs application.
We do have an exam, but that paper bit will only be a part of how we're graded. In that sense this follows more the concept of transmission; knowledge being handed down along a long linage of teachers. There's only one area that is not something I know on the exam, more details about each chakra, so it is time to commit those to memory.
I didn't end up going to yoga class tonight. CK was absolutely exhausted after working on a customer's release all day, although we'd discussed going to class and her having dinner here it made abundant sense for her to rest. Since JW had noted that we need to be taking our 40 asana practices with either her or RM and DM was teaching the class we were going to go to I just decided to do an asana practice at home, sit zazen and work on homework.
It was a lovely evening out, a nice breeze was coming in through the window while I moved through poses. Zonker curled up between my mat and the zabuton, the wind wiffleing through his fur, and Phoebe lay along the top of the futon. I had a lot of stiffness in my hips, very little movement although it feels like it needs to pop in several places. I'm really glad I see IW on Wednesday, my tailbone is beginning to ache again (which seems to be the indicator that it has been around two weeks since body work).
Sitting was very difficult because I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to finish doing in the room! The block shelf, should it be put in horizontally or vertically? If vertical where does the photo print go (to the living room because it is an architectural detail like the photo of the
Temple of Athena Nike at the
Acropolis)? Instead of the two small tables I want to get rid of the light colored one and put the small statue of Shiva dancing on a floating shelf above and to the right of the futon. Maybe get rid of the small, black table too, just find or build a very narrow table to hold the lamp and glass of water for when a guest is staying in the room. Move the wreath of shells from SR's family (this I tried to do after sitting but the screw in the wall isn't far enough out to catch the loop).
And that's how the whole time went. I'd think of something I wanted to do in the room, return to my breath, think "floating shelf", and return to my breath. Over and over, it was pretty tedious. I know it is the energy of getting this room emptied out again and available to support our practice, but still I grew exasperated with myself. Which I then had to work on letting go so I could return to the breath, again!
AM and I had dinner then I returned back to homework while he worked with some photographs while watching the Packers game, mostly on fast forward so he doesn't have to listen to the commentators. I am feeling very tired out still from the weekend. I didn't get as much done at work today as I would have liked, although I did manage to get some things set up, commented upon, etc.
CK has been around online and it has been nice to have that option to connect with her via chat, I'm so grateful that we have all these options to connect with. I know if I just need to tell her something quick there's one method. Even on nights where we don't hang out I can leave open the chat client while I'm writing and still talk with her. I don't know, it is just so nice to have these different ways to connect, to share, even when we're not in the same space.
She was noting all the blogging stuff I'm doing now. I set up the two new blogs today and set up my Twitter account a little while back and that's on top of writing here nearly all days since the end of June. I noted that I really like using these methods, it has helped me write a lot more than I was doing longhand (regardless of how much I adore paper journals and the whole idea of writing longhand, very romantic).
Whew! What a busy few days. I feel really tired and energized at the same time. Mentally I'm zooming a little but I feel the physical intensity of the past few days. AM and I are watching Jools Holland, which we DVR, Toots and the Maytals played as did Jet, from Australia. We had the leftover pumpkin curry for dinner along with some flat crackers toasted with tomatoes, olive tapenade and some red onions. It was a nice, simple meal and we talked a lot while getting things together.
Today my class ended up running a little late, but no one really seems to mind and the class was a lot of fun. Two students from last year returned after a long break bringing two friends with them. One person completely new to yoga, one who remembered taking Kundalini yoga classes many years ago. Another returning student from this summer, R who gave me such a compliment a few weeks ago when I was having a very difficult, vulnerable day. And CK, something that brings me a great pleasure; I feel a rush of warm emotions when I see her on her mat.
The energy was very good, lots of questions, and I was just enjoying it so much I was surprised to find we were still doing standing posed and it was at the end of class time! I didn't feel too bad since class had got to a late start. R had asked for plank and side plank, which was great since I was really looking forward to teaching going up into adhomukha svanasana from plank pose. This was one of the things from teacher training that I really wanted to try with my class. I was pleased to see how much better each person's pose looked, even the brand new person!
CK and I rode back to her place afterward and were able to continue our conversation from a little better place. The yoga practice burning off some of the energy and grounding us both. It was easier although still deep and touching places that hurt. We had more soup and just hung out talking to each other. Occasionally taking breaks and talking on other topics, but still keeping connected.
We lay down together, just touching and talking. CK brought up an idea she had, that perhaps we investigate adding Tantra to our shared practices, to our relationship. It ties very closely to our Hatha yoga and Zen practices and might be useful in discovering how to feel safe in intimacy together. As she told me this I'd been laying there thinking that maybe before we go to bed we should actually sit together, meditate.
I mentioned this and she asked if we could touch. When she said that I was struck with the idea of sharing a cushion so we could sit with our backs completely touching. We tried this, each perched on one side of a flat, bed pillow. We slowly let ourselves lean into each other and sat for a few moments. It was wonderful feeling the warm length of her against the whole of my back, knowing the sensation of her breath as well as my own.
It isn't exactly a path through the rocky shoals of intimacy that shows up in anything we've read, but it is something I think valuable to explore. I recall one book suggesting an exercise to sit with you hand on your partner's heart, but the arm would quickly grow tired and it seemed a little awkward even though I like being able to lie next to CK with my hand on her heart.
There was something so deeply connected feeling in sitting with my back to her, and that was just a in the few moments of trying out the idea of sharing a cushion. I feel like it could be deeply intimate sitting for many minutes that way, in zazen. Our backs touching and sharing the movement of breath while our minds did the work of settling into the silence.
We lay stretched out on the bed after zazen together. Outside there was a block party with live music. It was a warm, sunny early September afternoon and we found ourselves enjoying each other while a jazz guitar and female vocalist came in through the open windows. CK noted, as we were lying there enjoying the day and the music that it felt natural to be together.
Sitting with my back to hers for those moments, feeling her so deeply, helped to ground me in how strong of a relationship we're building. That helped the feelings of desperation and hopelessness subside. When those things settle it lets the tension around intimacy subside.
AM & I both slept quite late for us, it was past 8:30 when we woke up. I wrote a little about what I'd had in my mind when I went to sleep the night before; the chanting entry. A discussion about going to Seven Virtues for coffee expanded to include a foray to the farmers' market to see if apples were there yet.
Apples are one of my favorite types of fruit and when they start really coming into season it is wonderful enjoying them. Every year I look forward to a particular family orchard bringing apples to the market.
We picked up a few things at the market, including apples, before heading home. I hopped into a quick shower the loaded up my bike and headed over to Prananda. I was thrilled to get to chat with CC when I got there, what a treat!
I'm enjoying getting to spend so much time on anatomy and physiology! It is a pleasant surprise to discover just how much of this I remember. We also spent a great deal of time on adhomukha svanasana. Funny moment when everyone came round to feel my collarbones -- I was the only one who'd broken one and it can be felt. More of the DVD, I particularly liked the way
Georg Feuerstein commented that, "Suffering has to do with how we relate to pain."
After the first really full day I'm feel much more grounded in this decision. It will be a tough 27 weeks and at times it will be really stressful. However, it is the next logical step in my growth as a teacher. The energy of the class feels good so far and I know I'll progress a lot in the time.
Nice, although tiring ride over to CK's after class. Lovely evening, again nice temperature and not too much traffic out even for just past 7PM on a Saturday night. The tomatoes from the garden got a little squished. CK made a yummy zucchini chowder that has cashews, nutritional yeast and tahini blended into it.
I headed to the Hollywood Farmers' Market today on a mission -- apples from Kiyokawa Family Orchards. I found the apples were in and immediately stuffed several in the bags along with a couple of pears that will ripen in a few days. I asked about the particularly delicious, but very short seasoned, Pink Pearl variety, they usually are only in for a couple of weeks at the beginning of September. I was told another week, week & a half. The season is off to a late start with our cold, damp year.
I rubbed off a small
Gravenstein and ate it with absolute pleasure on the way over to Seven Virtues. The incredibly talented, and cute, barista made up my hemp latte and drew a
blue heron in the foam. It was very lovely and totally recognizable. It almost seems a shame to drink it, but it makes the foam images closer to the sand drawings that are meant to be destroyed. Impermanence in foam?
Then we picked up a few things at the market before heading home. I hopped into a quick shower the loaded up my bike and headed over to Prananda. I was thrilled to get to chat with CC when I got there, what a treat!
I'm enjoying getting to spend so much time on anatomy and physiology! It is a pleasant surprise to discover just how much of this I remember. We also spent a great deal of time on adhomukha svanasana. Funny moment when everyone came round to feel my collarbones -- I was the only one who'd broken one and it can be felt. More of the DVD, I particularly liked the way
Georg Feuerstein commented that, "Suffering has to do with how we relate to pain."
After the first really full day I'm feel much more grounded in this decision. It will be a tough 27 weeks and at times it will be really stressful. However, it is the next logical step in my growth as a teacher. The energy of the class feels good so far and I know I'll progress a lot in the time.
Nice, although tiring ride over to CK's after class. Lovely evening, again nice temperature and not too much traffic out even for just past 7PM on a Saturday night. The tomatoes from the garden got a little squished. CK made a yummy zucchini chowder that has cashews, nutritional yeast and tahini blended into it.
Something that has settled into my mind the past few weeks around my Ino duties at the Zen center is that chanting is not singing. It surfaced a couple of days after HB told me I was doing better, still slow down, and to put spaces into the words, savor them.
I loved to sing along to the radio as a kid, to myself even if there was no radio. I was constantly told to be quiet, no one wanted to hear me, and I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Therefore there was never any support for me wanting to be in a choir or anything like that. At college I finally broke free of this and joined the college choir, the community masterworks choir, and took voice lessons in the music department.
And I learned how to sing, how to carry the sound as a constant through the words, flowing. Ways to end words that end with Ms, Ts, and Ds. How to sing in Latin, German, Italian, and Spanish as well as English. Despite prompting by my vocal teacher I never became comfortable with solos, only performing them when forced to by the requirements of the voice lessons. I did love singing in the choir and have particularly lovely memories of performing Beethoven's 9th Symphony.
In approaching chanting service I've used the lessons about breathing and projection from singing. I also used the way lyrics are vocalized, especially in the classical, Western approach. However, chanting isn't singing Verdi, it is chanting. The words flow in more of a rhythmic fashion, closer to percussion than the way a voice may be trained to move like a string instrument.
I've been mindful of the feel of the words more than the meaning. The feel is important in singing, the movement of a word. In chanting sutras the importance is the meaning of the word, what the sutra is teaching us. In chanting names, transferring the merit of our practice to the suffering and deceased, it is especially important to be mindful and hold each person in the heart as their name is recited.
I may still rush, I'm learning to be slower in chanting. I feel like this realization will help. There is such a distinct difference between the type vocalization I've done in the past and Zen chanting. I'm still not used to the sound of my voice, loud in the quiet of the zendo. It plays into my feeling like I couldn't yell, really make noise in the zendo during the women's retreat over the New Year.
I so deeply feel, in my bones the quiet of the zendo. Something about chanting, being loud brings up old ghosts. The obvious moments of having distinctly heard my Mother's voice telling me I couldn't carry a tune. Ghosts of my grandmother admonishing us for being noisy, laughing during Mass and disturbing the quiet of the church. Or any number of ghosts raining down disapproval for making too much noise. Slowly I'm trying to replace those old voices with the new ones from my sangha telling me how much they appreciate, enjoy the sound of my voice ringing out in the stillness.
The day did not start well. At 12:47 one of the suction cups holding the thingy which holds the family tooth brushes and toothpaste gave loose and the two tubes of paste crashed into the tub. AM & I both sat up in bed with a start and he got up to investigate.
At the top of the stairs Zonker hissed at AM as if to say, "Did you hear that, I'm not going down there!"
AM came up told me what it was and we tried to get back to sleep. I'd been barely sleeping, uncomfortable and my mind just awake. Not lots happening, just awake and achy. Should have taken a melatoninin, perhaps if my mind was settled with that help I wouldn't have been as mindful of pain.
So I decided to work from home. Good day for it, had my monthly one-on-one call with my boss. Nice to be home for those because I don't feel like I need to walk off to talk privately somewhere. I had a good kick-off meeting for a project I'll be doing most of the code for. I tried to get PHP to work with the MySQL test database I set up but I'm still stuck on errors about the connection not working.
Then off to Prananda for my first teacher training class to start! As usual for me I felt anxious about it. The ride over there helped with some of the nervous energy as did the asana practice for 90 minutes. By the time we were doing two hours of sitting down and talking about the next seven months I felt much calmer.
I knew I wouldn't be the youngest, but I'm not the oldest either. There is quite a age difference between all of us, which is really cool. One solitary guy and 9 women, plus Joy. Again in a group I'm interested to hear how many people move to Portland. I'm one of a few with a meditation practice. There's several of us with back and hip problems, chronic pain, and muscle spasms.
We watched Yoga Unveiled for about 30 minutes. I was really enjoying the deep history of yoga. There were seals from Harappa discussed and shown which show people in early yoga poses. Tracing yoga back closer to 5000 years! Not sure if anyone else was as into this bit as I was, I know a few people were finding it a bit deep to follow. I'm looking forward to the rest of this DVD.
One of my fellow students has just moved here from Hood River and had rode to the class. She lives on the way I take home from the studio and hadn't put her light on her bike yet. She also hadn't known the best way to take back to her neighborhood so she followed me to her street. It was interesting to be the person who know something about bicycling in Portland!