30Nov/080
Grateful
It has been a full week. I have been reflecting upon the past several years a lot this week, which is only to be expected. The 24th was my seventh marriage anniversary and we celebrated it by hanging out at home and discussing our impending divorce. AM has been so open, understanding and supporting of wanting me to be who I really am. It has provided space for him to be honest about his feelings of disappointment, dissatisfaction in our relationship. It has been sad in that regard, mostly because it is painful to change even when it is for the better.
I have been nursing a persistent ache in my left shoulder. It occurred to CK and I last weekend that it is the arm I injured last spring, playing on the swings. I'd went to jump off and caught a finger in the chain, wrenching the entire arm and shoulder. I've taken most of the week off of doing yoga, especially anything weight bearing on my arms. I'm icing the shoulder, which helps it. After teaching my beginning asana class today I find my lower back and hips ache; they have not appreciated the break.
I've been able to spend the past two days with CK, reconnecting after her being visiting home for the week. While she was away I was aware of the ways in which she has become part of my life; the ways in which I felt her absence from the space in my life. I found myself feeling anxious about my age, about my physical pain. I've been aware the past week how often I feel so young, but I'm aware of the aging of my body and afraid I won't be able to be a good partner to CK. Last night this fear bubbled out of me as I lay next to her. Through her feeling ill from a terrible headache she offered reassurance and understanding.
She's across the room from me reading right now. We've spent the day in close company. It is easier to feel open around her now. I'm starting to feel like I can relax into the spaciousness, the connection between us. It is this constant back and forth still -- I feel myself pull away, resist trusting this love, and then remind myself again and again that it is OK.
CB asked us all at dinner at Great Vow Zen Monastery on Thursday what we were grateful for. I first noted how much Great Vow means to me, what a refuge it is in my life and how cared for I feel when I am there. I also said how grateful I am for the people in my life who are open and compassionate to me, who encourage my growth and support me.
AM who is supporting me by wanting us to get divorced so we can both more wholeheartedly pursue who we really are. It is strange in a way to call this support, but it feels that way. He isn't calling me names or bad mouthing me, like my ex-husband of nearly 9 years ago does. Instead he is trying to find a way to make sure everyone knows that we're doing this because we need to, that it will improve our friendship ultimately.
CK who wants to support my teaching yoga, being a freelance project manager and analyst so I have the time to do workshops. Who likes to snuggle up with me and talk about raising children together; something that moves me to tears and fills me with such abiding wonder. She expends energy on being observant, very thoughtful, and encouraging me to be silly. With her I feel as though several truths have finally been revealed and I understand myself more deeply.
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