Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


Out on a Tuesday

Today's challenge was having all of my co-workers, past and present, as me how things were going, how AM is doing, etc. I said fine and that he's looking at going back to school this spring. I smiled a lot and talked about my yoga teacher training.

More than anywhere or anyone telling people at work feels most awkward. The vast majority of my friends already have known I am sexually attracted to women. Most of them are going to nod when I say that I'm a lesbian. Everyone I work with thinks I'm straight.
It isn't that I've tried to hide it from them. I just haven't been involved with a woman in years so it didn't seem that important to tell people I wasn't straight. In telling them about getting divorced, but remaining good friends, it will make more sense if I come out. I just feels so damn awkward.
Thursday we're doing yet another team lunch. I'm going to try to catch CM afterward and ask him if he'd have coffee with me. He's been working at our company for over 30 years. At some point he made the shift from being a married father of three girls to being an openly gay man with a lovely partner. I am hoping he'll be willing to share some advice with me and not find it irritating or nosey for me to ask him about it.
More than anything I just want to be honest about who I am. I don't want to hide my love for CK from anyone or anything. That feels wrong on so many levels. When we are able to be out together, both in the sense of two women in love with each other and in the sense of being in public together, it feels entirely natural and comfortable. A friend of CK's, our friend, says we're adorable together.
Tonight I drove CK's pickup over to meet her at Cube Space for the winter Coder's Social after I finished teaching asana practice. I didn't stall once, except when parking (need to put in clutch sooner, further), which left me feeling pretty good. Upon getting upstairs, into the crush of geeks, I felt hugely overwhelmed, uncertain, and not up to socializing. I quickly got some food and went to find where CK was playing Apples to Apples with a group.
Food helped and when a new round of the game started I joined in. It was a lot easier talking to people in that smaller setting, with the game to help facilitate the conversation. Groups of new people is one of those things that really makes me feel my PTSD acutely. Or at least honestly process and feel how uncomfortable I am. Before, having crafted an elaborate personae, I was able to get through things much easier, ignoring my discomfort.
What I was able to settle into was how nice it was to be out with CK. To be seen by our peers and be together without it being any kind of issue or question. We're just another couple that shows up... Granted, we're a minority to begin with since more men show up at these events still. That we're vegan, Zen, yoga practitioners also sets us apart. Regardless of all the things that set us apart, we're considered part of the community and our being together is a non-issue, which is how it should be.
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