Too Far
I woke up anxious today. I'd been dreaming that I was living in a more rural area, open fields around with houses dotted along a road, and Phoebe had gotten out. I was calling her, dashing after her across one of the fields. She just seemed to get further away from me.
I was tired too even though I'd slept a bit longer. Yes, I had gotten to bed rather late last night after writing and I had ached from my major stumbled while walking the train. I didn't hurt as badly as I'd feared when I woke up, but I was tired and anxious. Today my left leg hurt from the back of me heel into my lower back, the reaction to catching myself and jarring that leg.
Then onto the rush of the morning -- trying to use the Java client to answer emails and remote into my work laptop. Things weren't working right and kept stopping on me and I didn't get much done. I was then off to read for SMART, which is always fun, although my kindergartner has moved.
Had lunch with my friend DH today. Since I was coming from SMART I drove downtown and had to find parking. I brought her up to speed on the changes going on, which didn't surprise her overly much. She's very happy to know that AM and I are getting divorced so we can maintain our friendship.
I didn't get out of the office as quickly as I'd wanted. I had hoped to have a little time to spend with CK before we drove over to the house so I could change and grab my yoga gear. Between leaving late and bad traffic I got there with only a few minutes to spare before we rushed out into the rain.
On the way to the studio we found ourselves at mild odds with one another. CK felt criticized and in responding I began to feel chastised, foolish. The weight of the anxiety this morning, the work of talking to so many people this week, and the ache in my body just felt huge.
At first class helped. The warming postures and Pranayama grounded me. It was in the standing postures, after doing a series that seems to aggravate my hips hugely every time I try it, we were doing revolved triangle when JW came by to suggest a small correction to my alignment. It hurt so badly that I had to stop.
I stood with my head hanging down and felt my breath catching, my face burning, tears springing to my eyes. I had pushed too far, too hard and gone into that space where the effort, intensity and pain combined to leave me feeling demoralized, stupid, ungraceful, and wondering why it was I thought I belonged there.
I tried to switch to the other leg but immediately felt overwhelmed and left the studio for the bathroom. My breath was all at the top of my lungs, held tightly there by the feeling of pressure on my heart and belly. I put my face down on my crossed arms and felt the heat burning my face. I looked pale and worn.
I went back to my mat and tried to rejoin the pace of the class. Nothing felt right, nothing felt OK. On top of it my inner critic was noting that I should just knock it off and stop acting like a big baby. I kept trying to tell myself I was just fine, merely in pain and needing to rest. All of the techniques I use when I feel triggered while sitting zazen.
But I was crying and miserable. I felt like a little kid, in a bad way, and exposed, vulnerable as well. CK came over to rub my back and check in with me. I told her I was going to do shoulder stand while everyone was doing savasana at the end. It helped alleviate things a little, centering me a little and helping me feel my breath again.
I was thinking about what HB had talked about last night. Talking about how when we are practicing stuff bubbles up -- emotions we never had the space to feel, things we try to avoid thinking about. Maybe there's something about pushing too hard, going into the pain and exertion too far, that stirs up the muck and the feelings of not belonging, not being good enough, the-last-kid-picked-for-sports embarrassment, and the messages to behave, not cry, to stop acting like a baby.
Where Silence and Stillness Meet
Big day today -- told two co-workers I'm close with and my boss about the divorce, my being a lesbian. The first one I talked with is a gay man on my team who went through a similar transition himself several years ago. It was good to have his advice and I was very moved to have his offer of a sympathetic ear as I make this change in my life. My boss just gave me a big hug and offered support. My other co-worker, who has a 17 year-old son struggling with his sexuality, offered another hug, support and asked if I'd be comfortable talking with her son when he was ready to start talking to people (her son, and my knowing I might be able to be some kind of resource for him, was part of the reason I told her).
As with telling other people, it goes just fine. People are supportive, open, loving and very respectful. Everyone also seems to be really behind AM & I doing this to nurture our friendship and to be fair to everyone involved. It hasn't been really fair or satisfying to either of us for a while and adding CK to it as a polyamorous relationship for me only meant that it was unfair for more people.
Tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with DH and tell her the news. AM and I are going to send out an email to the rest of our friends over the weekend since we'll have told the closest friends by then. I'm sure there will be emails and phone calls galore after that. More than anything it is just tiring and I feel drained. It was a tremendous relief to have the routine of zazen at the Dharma Center tonight.
HB said something tonight in his Dhama talk about there being a space where silence and stillness are the same. Silence isn't being closed off and isolated, rather the state of being we are in when we are entirely still. Where we are when we settle the mind into silence and rest in the essential self, to paraphrase Patanjali.
I wasn't there when I first started to sit zazen tonight. RP had told me as I was heading upstairs to the zendo that HB had said he wanted to the Ino to wear a microphone when chanting. I felt my stomach tighten up in response and I tried to laugh about it.
I settled onto the bench and breathed in deeply a few times, feeling my diaphragm move the air. Just trying to let the thoughts settle and let go of thinking about chanting with a microphone later. And it worked for a little while.
Until I felt the anxiety about my voice come back and this time it came accompanied by old emotions from childhood. I worked on my breath and when I felt that slipping sideways feeling of something triggering my PTSD I focused my gaze on the radiator, the repeating patterns on it. I looked sideways and CK's profile, feeling the energy of her sitting next to me.
I never felt the full heart pounding, skull crushing fear I've had show up. Just a kind of sadness. I was able to remind myself that what happened to me was years ago and I am just fine now, that I was in the zendo, with people around me who care very deeply for my well-being.
I didn't even have to say it again and again. Once I'd grounded myself by connecting to the room, the radiator and CK beside me, I was able to feel the breath and the sadness together. The steam clanged loudly in the pipes, I was pleased to note my heart was beating at a calmer pace. In kinhin I felt myself slide into the movement meditation with profound gratitude and stillness of mind.
When I returned to my cushion for zazen I set my mind to metta. I pictured myself, the little girl who wanted to be a Rose Princess, and began the practice. I was amazed to find myself staying with the practice, breathing in, breathing out a loving-kindness prayer for myself.
May I be free from suffering and fear.
May I be free from anger.
May I be free from shame. (an extra one I add for myself sometimes)
May I be happy.
Usually I cannot even stay with myself enough to do three of those prayers. My mind wanders around, off planning and full of fear, shame. When I consider that I've done enough mindless metta I focus on a person I love, a person I have a more neutral relationship with, and a person I dislike or have difficulties with. These are normally easy and focused, when I send metta to others.
Tonight I was able to stay with myself, the image of myself as a little girl. 9 rounds of prayers, each staying mindful. Not unwavering, but never so far I forgot where I was, which is the usual case. After 9 I did the three prayer sets for others and then let myself return back to my body, the feel of it being breathed, until the bell rang.
I started to Hogen about it, but decided to hold off, just letting my acknowledge of it just be still a little longer. It has been such a full day
Companionable
It was nice last night, driving home with CK and settling down for bed. I felt anxious when I finally got into bed, chilled and hyper-alert. No monkey mind, just urgent wakefulness. CK murmured sleepily at me, I answered back that it wasn't anything in particular, nothing triggered. Just the anxious business of being around a crowd of people, the talking. She curled herself against my back, warming and comforting me. I fell asleep fairly soon after that.
Out on a Tuesday
Today's challenge was having all of my co-workers, past and present, as me how things were going, how AM is doing, etc. I said fine and that he's looking at going back to school this spring. I smiled a lot and talked about my yoga teacher training.
One Down
Talked to one of my oldest, best friends tonight about the relationship changes. It wasn't great timing -- it was out at a coffee house in SE as part of a games night event that includes a lot of people she knows from Love Tribe. Ideally this is not where I'd share the news about AM and I, but it was face-to-face and I'd rather share with people in person than not.
I prefaced telling her by asking her not to say she was sorry until I finished. I told her that we were getting divorced because we needed to be authentic and honest with our lives. That pretending my being lesbian didn't matter for the last few years has eroded our friendship and isn't fair to either of us. That we were still going to be friends and our doing this would ensure that we would stay close friends.
I never expected SW to get upset or say anything terrible. Mostly I just felt bad about sharing such news at a social event. I talked to her about sending out the news via email because of the time of year, not wanting some to know before others, and many other reasons. She agreed that was a good idea and then just see people as I/we can. That was nice to hear that input from a close friend.
We spent some time chatting and catching up. She said how amazed she is to hear me talking about bicycling and that I'm even considering trying to go on a backpacking trip on a couple of years. I talked to her about CK and I, some of the things we want to do with our life together. SW shook her head a lot, smiling and laughing at times at how much we've both changed over these nearly 20 years of friendship. More than anything she said she is happy to see me getting to really be myself. A sentiment that seems to be a common thread when I tell people the whole of things.
I didn't get as much done at work today as I had planned for myself. My day sudden got taken up in working with other people and projects. Tomorrow we're doing a "white elephant" gift exchange and potluck, several of the retirees are coming to join us, so I won't get a lot done either. I find it difficult switching the gears between programming and coaching or working with clients, when I spend a day called onto "people" stuff it is hard for me to effectively program much. Maybe next week I'll work a few more days from home, block some time on my calendar and just program in quiet.
Yesterday was lovely! Slept in, CK made me toast & tea while I had a hot shower, went and taught asana practice, we had lunch then went out adventuring. The primary adventure was teaching me to drive her very manual, old, fussy Toyota pick up.
I'd learned to drive a manual transmission when my Mom first taught me to drive when I was 16. I didn't earn enough to cover the amount I'd increase my parent's auto insurance policy, so I never got my license until I was 25. At that time, and since then, I've owned vehicles with automatic transmissions.
It went really well. We went out to a transit mall and I practiced stopping and starting several times. Then I drove around the parking lot. CK noted this morning that when I started thinking about what I was doing I stalled it more. I apologized to the truck several times.
Afterward, confidence and enjoyment was high so we went on over by the IKEA and I practiced some more. Even drove us home to her flat, only stalling it a handful of times.... Well, after stalling it about 3 times at the first real light! When it got to parking it (reverse is very hard) I decided I'd had enough. CK parked the truck and we went inside to have some cider with very nice rum, watch an episode of Six Feet Under, and make dinner.
She kept saying how I was obviously a natural at it, that I remembered what to do. And yes, there is some part of that. The other part is how well she teaches, how compassionately and encouraging. It was a joy to know yet another way in which she is a a wonderful partner. Each time we come up to one of these moments where the people involved in a relationship find out that they might rub each other the wrong way (like travelling together, her going to my doctor's appointment, and now teaching me to drive manual), we find out we rub along quite nicely together.
Synergy
I kept coming around to the word synergy when talking to CK about how I feel our mutual practices combine. In a way I try and move away from using it since it is a word I think gets over used sometimes.
From the Greek sunergia, for “‘joint work, assistance, help’”, synergy describe a situation where the final outcome is greater than the sum of the parts which went into it.
Earlier this evening I was talking about our practices. We each have a yoga practice and we each have a Zen practice. I finally said that it as though there is a third, distinct practice that is the one we have together. The practice that is us together is something unique.
It isn't that it is merely our two, individual practices twisted together, like the way a candy cane is distinctly two different pieces joined by heat and pressure into one. This is something that is entirely different and greater than the two of us that add to it. It very different from what I've known in the past.
This discussion came up around how I feel in part a little hurt that AM is deepening his practice now, when we are divorcing. How I realized he and I could have been truly sharing a practice for over 3 years now and I feel a little let down. I am finding it easy to let go of this, just acknowledge it and assure myself that it OK to feel this hurt. Maybe it is easier because I know I am already moving towards a tangible, supportive relationship instead into being on my own.
Trying not to pick this one apart too much and just enjoy the feeling of deeply sharing and supporting with another person at this level. I think about it too much and almost feel a little overwhelmed at times. It has me look even more closely at years of lacking this in my life, which is painful. It helps me to know that I move towards being authentic, honest.
I told JW tonight after class. Everyone had left and CK was a few minutes late because she was grabbing groceries (to make dinner AND cookies). I realized it was the perfect time to let JW in on why the past several weeks I'd alluded to things being very busy, very big in my life. I quickly told her it wasn't an, "aw, shit" kind of situation. It just was us realizing that the truth about who we were mattered much more than either of us hurting the feelings than the other. That avoiding the truth undermined us in other ways.
It felt OK practicing talking to another person like this. I suppose it will get easier to tell people, reaffirm and reassure with this information over and over. Each time I say it I feel the truth of it. I don't feel the sinking feeling in my stomach for too long and just find myself saying that it was important that I live my life in a way that is as authentic and true to my essential self as I possibly can. That is my practice.
Irritation
I'm not really hungry, I just am craving sweets. I don't feel hugely ill, in that I've certainly felt much worse than this at times in the past. I do feel unwell, fighting a head cold so my face & head aches, my nose hurts from sneezing, the swelling in my nasal passage & sinuses is causing an itchiness in my whole head, and I feel a general irritation at the whole situation.
Mostly I just want to settle back into routine. At the same time I'm resisting even the simple routine things of writing or sitting. I feel distracted by my head aching. I find it too easy to be checking websites and wishing CK was online to chat with than I do to just string any thoughts together to write.
I was also pretty busy mentally today for work. Spent much of the day detailing my accomplishments for 2008, finally tracking down how to rebuild the November report that got missed in Monday's server mess, and was on and off the phone coaching someone through finishing development on their first change request. My promotion is entirely entangled in bureaucracy.
I didn't go read for SMART today, not wanting to pass my cold along. This was actually helpful given everything I was working on. I also did not go to asana practice at Prananda tonight; JW has a strict, "Keep your germs at home!" policy. I think that's when I started to feel the irritation.
CK was heading out to asana practice and I was sitting at home. I've looked forward to practice tonight with her. It was the second night of practice I was missing with her after not going to the Dharma center last night. I've worn her hoodie all day, one we both forgot was at my house. It has been a sweet comfort in my litany of cranky feelings.
I don't want to go to class tomorrow -- a combination of not feeling well and enjoying last weekend with CK so much.
Just an escalation of feeling irritated and not fully well. When any additional ache in the body is added to the level that I live with from day to day it feels burdensome. Since I'm not hugely ill I have the energy to be irritated, chafed by it.
Jinxes, Colds, and Authenticity
Just Monday I was telling my gynecologist that I'd only been sick once all year. I am now sitting with my laptop, in my PJs, sniffling, sneezing and feeling generally puny. So much so that I am not at the Dharma Center tonight, a change in my routine that feels unwelcome.
I am reminding myself that last weekend CK was ill. Then my friend SJ came up from San Francisco with a cold. Then DW came down with a cold. Yesterday I was sneezing like mad but I said to myself that it was allergies. Even my massage therapist noted how bad every one's allergies have been when I saw her yesterday.
I felt congested and had a slight headache when I woke up but after a hot shower and neti I was feeling better. While riding MAX into downtown a surge of the headache spiked above my right eye. CK spent the rest of the ride trying to block the sun from shining into my face. A latte from Backspace helped with the headache as did the rest of the walk to my office.
Around 11:30 the headache began to creep back into my awareness. I decided it was a need for lunch, but after having some curried lentil soup I felt generally lousy. By 1:30 I was checking with CK as to how she felt and letting her know my status. By 2pm I had that prickly, warm flush of a low fever and was talking to CK on the phone. She sent a message out to our Zen community asking for a volunteer to cover Ino duties for chanting service tonight.
I went ahead and went to my appointment with my therapist. She too insisted I acknowledge that my getting through my annual exam with my gynecologist without either a does of Xanax or bursting into tears is a significant success for me. We talked about all the changes going on, mostly just bringing to light the various tasks and anxieties. Paperwork, division of stuff & debts, what to do about my last name (if anything), settling into being with CK full-time, having kids, feeling like my pain is going to limit my ability to parent... And I touched upon a little bit of hurt I had been feeling.
I have been watching AM making plans, making many good decisions about what to do and how. I am so happy to see him doing this, moving along his path again instead of just coasting. I realized there was a part of me that felt irritated with him and when I sat with it I felt the hurt of his finally making these efforts when we're divorcing.
We talked about it, how it isn't entirely unreasonable to feel some of these things around his making efforts I've wanted to see him make for years. I'd really rather expend the real energy on being supportive, it is the most helpful, loving thing to do. It isn't as if I want to say to AM that I want us to try to keep the marriage together now that he's making these changes.
Ultimately nothing changes my being a lesbian. I know that I wouldn't be happy staying married to a man and having casual intimate relationships with women. I have never felt able to be fully open when intimate with someone "casually".
Finally being able to experience an open, loving relationship with a woman brings me face-first to the truth of just how many things about my sexuality have been patches to work around the fact that I wasn't being authentic. The more I express my essential self, the more my heart opens and I allow myself to be vulnerable, sharing myself completely with another person. That I get to choose a path that lets me be with another woman who is willing to share herself in love with me is an unexpected, un-hoped-for blessing.
Comfortable
The shorter days and decreasing temperature are getting to me. It isn't even 9PM yet and I feel tired out already. I feel sleepy and achy much of the time. I was trying to remind myself that this time of year I always start to feel worse. I believe this is what has been feeding my feeling of not being able to be active enough to co-parent with CK.
Merely the Effort
I had decided not to write tonight. I worked right up until going to teach yoga tonight, worked a little more, ate dinner, worked until nearly 10 and had not made enough progress. I decided that I could just not write tonight.
While brushing my teeth I reminded myself that this is part of my practice. Just the effort to write about my day, what my experiences are. Like sitting zazen, something I do even when I don't feel like it.
The stress of a changing life has been at such a constant hum lately that it has been easy to just not write, not even a few sentences. I've gotten better at sitting zazen, but slacked off on this practice.
And the thing is, today had some good and interesting moments. I'm just tired and want to go to bed instead of writing about them. Today I've had the chance to reflect upon not enjoying writing when I'm tired and not enjoying zazen before work (I spend most of my time trying to NOT plan my day).
What I'm trying to reflect upon out of those discoveries is the satisfaction of practicing whole-heartedly, as my teachers would say. In each case I just am being with my discomfort and irritation and practicing anyway. There is actually some peace, some pleasure in merely the effort of practicing.