Mean Monday
Today's been one of those days where I feel like I'm not doing anything right. Doesn't matter what things I got done today, I didn't do enough, or well enough, or the right things, or...
It slowly built up over the day until I felt miserable. It makes everything feel fragile. The slightest thing results in feeling like a fuck up.
For example, for some reason I started brushing my teeth before flossing tonight. Not the order I was taught multiple times, not what I usually do, but there I was, brushing.
My brain, "You idiot! How could you fuck up flossing?!"
Then I did some boxing. Ducking is hard!
Boundaries
I’m getting better about setting boundaries, it’s a journey to learn this since my Mother raised me to have none. It goes along with learning to acknowledge my own needs as important.
It feels like boundaries are easier. Having needs, putting myself on my to-do list feels like more of a struggle. Granted, since I fundamentally struggle with feeling unworthy, it kind of makes sense that seeing my needs as worthy world be hard.
Today I told someone to wear their mask correctly and to keep their distance because they kept standing close to me at the market. Another white man, they have been the worst. He even fake lunged toward me and I told to stop joking around. I then finished conducting my business.
Boxing practice felt pretty good after that. Is joked online I'd picture the guy as my targets. Really I just thought about all the selfish people being jerks about masks and distancing.
I'm grateful to finally get a few blueberries from the middle season plant. The birds have been getting them, all of the early season ones!
My Needs
Still trying to convince my critical self that I deserve rest, movement that isn't a household task, make at, and play on my own.
It is when I center myself that I get stuck. I don't put my own needs first on the list. I was trained not to and was still told I was selfish when I would try to do my own thing.
I then had spouses who took advantage of this. Which further pushed me into the habit of not caring for myself.
CK actively appreciates that I put her first, but also reminds me that I have to take care of me. We've lived through my not taking care of myself.
I'm not yet ready to say, "Me first!", but I'm accepting I need to be in the top 3.
We've been playing a bowling game! Exploring more things we can do at home together with more movement! CK ordered a set of controller for me, they won't get here until next month because I'm waiting for a set that are purple and orange!
What’s On My List?
Today was Trauma Therapy Tuesday and I shared my realization about the discussion I'm having internally, somatically every night (yesterday's post). I was explaining that adding the 1b) option that reminds me that I'm always allowed to rest, the idea that I need to have accomplished enough to rest is the wrong idea!
My therapist agreed this was interesting, and that calling myself on the wrong thinking of needing to earn my rest is good. Then she blew my mind by asking me, "Is sleep on your list?"
My jaw dropped for a moment, totally giving away the fact that it wasn't even remotely near my list of things I need to do each day.
She's suggested that my list needs to start with sleeping, resting well, then feeding myself, then meditation. Those things always on the list first, and only meditation if I'm feeling like I'm rested and it will do me well. She asked if these were on the list, especially the first two.
"What's first on your list?", she asked.
"Feeding CK. Then feeding the creatures." I also conceded that this has caused many meals where I don't actually have my main dish. I've been so focused on every other living being eating, that I forget myself.
I'm to work on my list.
Insomnia and Me
Every night I have 2 discussions with my Trauma Brain:
1a) I have completed enough tasks that I'm "allowed" to sleep.
1b) I'm always allowed to rest, 1a is wrong.
2) Sleeping is safe.
Yoga helps lots, I mediate or do some kind of physical practice. Often both.
Hot showers, just got out of one. Water is very helpful to me.
For many years I want aware of my fear of sleeping. Like many emotional states, I experienced the fear somatically. So much of my trauma is before cognitive integration was available to my brain, so I just don't feel right.
These days of pandemic and protests against police violence have made it harder to convince my body that I'm safe. When I feel less safe, my critical self spends a great deal of time telling me to go do the dishes, clean the floors, deal with the blackberries, catch up on email, finish the taxes, make a budget, defrost the freezer.....
And that's just taking a few seconds to transcribe my inner list of things I must do before resting, playing, creating art, etc.
Never Enough
My core false brief about myself is that I'm not only worthless, but I'm proudly toxic to be exposed to for prolonged times. Through this same Childhood Logic, if I work hard enough, and I get enough tasks done each day, I'll be able to buffer people from my toxic nature and they'll stay.
When I read the phrase, "hustling for your worthiness", in one of Brené Brown's books, I recognized it immediately. It's the logic above.
I've watched this brief kill someone I loved. It nearly hospitalized me while alienating CK.
I'm doing better with out overall, but this weekend has been hard. I'm feeling guilty for not doing more.
I pretty much always n feel guilty for not doing more.
Bertie got into something that made him sneeze explosively for several minutes. He was rather worn out when it finally wore off. He knicked his gums a little, but that stopped bleeding quickly.
Anger Turned Inward
Today I taught my second Yoga of Freedom online classes and it went very well. I focused on there later John Lewis legacy and the moral obligation to speak up, to stand up.
For the rest of the day I was in a gray depression feeling like I'd done nothing right.
It isn't true. My art page for today even captures things I did in addition to teaching a difficult class. It's just how I feel.
In reality I'm angry about Federal cops in Portland. I'm angry about my racist family, not that there's anything to do about it besides process it. I'm angry people continue to politicize masks.
All that anger doesn't have anywhere to go, this is most likely the cause of today's blues.
In Which Everything Feels Catastrophic
I was going to write about how grounding teaching was today against the news that local police spent the night escalating violence. Again.
I was going to expand on the unintended art of a melted canister reflecting back how yesterday made me feel.
Then there was a small explosion in the neighborhood. The boom woke up CK. I saw the flash of it while working on my art journal. I investigated outside a little, but w we were left with the belief that some asshole must have set off a firework.
Until I came upstairs just before midnight to a terrible whine. I tensed at it and went through the house turning off fans, trying to trace it. As i got to the bathroom I saw flashing, amber lights.
Upon going outside with CK’s halal on I discovered power company workers with a bucket truck. I was able to discover the earlier explosion was a fuse going out, the part of the neighborhood across the street were without power!
This all woke up CK for the third time tonight. We’re both pretty wired, her brain got really worried hearing me leave the house with male voices and noise.
I’m struck at how quickly our brains expect the worse. 2020 keeps providing catastrophes, another seems plausible. I was expecting to find a car accident. I’m rather grateful to be wrong AND the explosion has been explained!
Taxes, Cops, and COVID
We've been trying to get caught up on our taxes and at the end of last year we'd got 2016 filled and paid.
Or so we thought.
Several years ago we both experienced identify theft around taxes. As a result, we have PINs issued each year and getting behind has meant they expired and we had to send in a paper copy.
Later this winter we received a letter stating we had to verify our identification before they can accept the paper copy. Then COVID happened and the offices closed up.
I’ve been trying off and on for a while. This morning I tired again.
I eventually got to someone after getting disconnected repeatedly on the number the letter said to call. I’d tired another number on a different letter saying we now have a credit.
I was ultimately told to try the number that says it’s having technical difficulties and disconnecting me. That our make an appointment to go in person in an office located in the Federal Building.
If it’s open. I should risk COVID exposure to enter a building that’s currently boarded up and surrounded by both federal and local cops dressed in riot gear.
I got a lot upset. Thankfully CK came upstairs to give me hugs and support.
There was freshly harvested salad for dinner, so that was good. I’m really grateful for the last two things.
Anger and Shame
Today we had a surreal experience. Our doctor drew blood from each of us from the car, with our arm stuck out the window.
A whole bunch of tests for CK and a more extensive lipids panel for me since my cholesterol was a little high this past winter.
I'm trying hard not to obsess over it.
On the drive home I told CK about getting stuck in my anger at my peer. She's had her own "nemesis" experiences, so she really gets it.
When I shared how I'm feeling a lot of shame because it's anger about yoga stuff, she said the best thing.
"Never be ashamed of your anger!"
I was floored and got all weepy and needed hugs.
My session this week looked at how I learned very quickly to compartmentalize unacceptable emotions. Anger was near the to of the list of emotions I was forbidden from expressing. When I feel angry, I always feel shame.
She then suggested I have a more restful day, that it was OK to rest today and play video games even if I want to do that tomorrow too.