Ch… ch… Changes… (and a simple novel)
I'm still kind of stumbling around mentally after that snapshot of the Inner Critic moment. I am considering the suggestion of giving her a "non-threatening" name, so I can talk to her. I thought about staying home on Monday after taking that picture but went out instead to the women's Dharma group I participate in. I was glad I went even though I felt very resistant to it.
Tuesday I talked with CS at Dishman and resigned from teaching there now that CC & EB have said they will take over the two classes. Feels weird even now typing it. Felt big and shaky doing it. I immediately got off the phone with him and went to Dishman to teach a class. That felt even weirder. I've not told them yet, I'll bring it up over the next 5 weeks, my last classes. I'll officially end teaching at Dishman on December 20.
And I have no where to teach. I've been talking about teaching at our Zen center, but I have a whole lot of back-and-forth feelings about it. In some part I'm worried that the space, so amenable to Zen practice, is not the best for yoga practice (carpeting, everywhere). I sent a message over to a new studio in my neighborhood today and have been chatting with a new studio in Northwest Portland.
I've been considering other changes too. Looking very strongly at what I'm doing at work, what my motivations are for that work, and considering all the feelings I have about work carefully. At the very least it might be good for me to do the practice of writing my resume (it has been nearly 8 years since I did that) and see what kind of response I get to it. Might convince me to tough out this rough patch, might remind me that I do possess a lot of skills, and it might be a new step on my path.
And I've been letting myself wholly enjoy a good novel. I picked up Sunshine
Fine, Just Fine
Hawai'i was utterly astounding. A brief recap:
- Black sand beaches? Check.
- Tropical rain forest? Check.
- Shave ice? Check, yum (can we manage to eat this daily?)!
- Lush, tropical fruit? More yum and check (apple banana, anyone)!
- Mongoose? Check (once we knew what they were... what is the plural of mongoose anyway?).
- Amazingly friendly, giving, hugging people? Check (I've never been hugged by so many strangers in such a short amount of time. Close to daily hugs...)
- Dolphins? Check (both spinner & spotted).
- Sea Turtles? Check.
- Toxic sulphuric dioxide fumes? Check, eeek and pick another hike!
- Hiking in a still hot volcanic crater? Check (Kilauea Iki)!
- Bus loads of tourists complete with Hawaiian tour guides in matching outfits? Uh... check.
- Lava tube? Check.
- Private warm pond with tropical fish? Check (ahhhhhhhh).
And...
- LAVA FLOWING INTO THE SEA? OH BABY, CHECK!!!!
Now I'm home, integrating post sesshin, post vacation and trying madly to get my rakusu finished (yes, that is hand sewing) by the 24th to give to my teacher for Jukai next month. After it is done I do a bunch of writing I've not completed, including lots of blog posts.
For now... go look at the pretty pictures. A mere handful are posted, there will be more to come. We're working on a web "comic" using them.
Excited/Anxious
I'm going back and forth between feeling really excited for the trip Wednesday mixed with my usual pre-trip anxiety. Like so much of the anxiety I don't expend as much energy trying to figure out why it happens and just try to work with it. A lot of people, even those without PTSD, get anxious about big trips. I'm just one of them and because I have PTSD it sometimes riles up other things making it seem more intense. End of story.
What's funny is that generally I'm anxious when the trip starts. CK is anxious the day before we're due to go home. Both of us have this fear that all hell will have broken loose while we're gone. I'm afraid I won't be there to help take care of it and CK fears having to come home to the uncertainty of it.
I started to pack clothing. I know I'm over packing but wanted to have a few options. The weather is supposed to be rather wet, especially the first few days. A tropical storm is coming near so a lot of rain. Should be dryer on the Kailua-Kona side, where we're headed on Thursday, and out on the boat/ocean on Friday. By the time we're hiking (probably Sunday) it should have some sunny times.
Hitting the Ground Running
Got back from sesshin on Sunday night after a class on the Robes & Lineage in our Zen tradition followed by dinner! Whew! It was a heck of a long Sunday for me.
I've worked from home the past few days, just going into the office for the first time today. Monday had 5 meetings on the calendar, two of which I was supposed to run and send documentation out for. It has been pretty busy with the usual day-to-day, the catch-up from being gone a week, and the getting ready to be gone another week.
Not sure I'd recommend this planning method.
Between the busyness of work, swimming, teaching yoga, meeting kittens, getting a massage, and zazen tonight I've not had time to do much writing at all. It hasn't felt overwhelming, just, but trying to write as well would be asking too much. What time left has been for some connecting with CK and the chance to make some amazing tomato soup with the tomatoes from our garden!
Oh, and arranging for us to swim with dolphins on my birthday. This involves a side-trip to the Kona side of the Big Island since the excursion meets at 6:30AM. We'll be staying the night in Captain Cook in order to have a quick drive to the harbor. We'll spend the day after the drive exploring the Kona side and driving back along the north coast.
Sesshin was another deep experience, there's a lot there including what I felt I learned after a week of picking blackberries. There will just have to be some catch up reflections later!
Waves
Today has been all waves, ups and downs.
It started with feeling tired and a headache. I jumped into communicating with someone in IT on a project that releases next month and before I knew it was past 8. I threw myself together and out the door to catch the bus.
Lunch with AM today and lots of catching up. I'm feeling sad for the relationship troubles he's just gone through, for both he and the person he was seeing. The rest of the day I spent much of trying to get something to work on a coding project only to end the day wanting to scream. Oh how my head pounded. The whine of the router in our new office area does not help.
There was a time when learning a new programming language or systems short cut was exciting, challenging and fun. More and more it isn't that way anymore, I just go straight into feeling dumb that I haven't figured it out yet. Don't know, maybe it is just some short-cut my inner critic has found to really get to me and fast.
Came home cranky and in a rush to change because I'd stayed a little too long at the office before catching the bus. I had no more than 15 minutes of "down" time before leaving again to go teach yoga. I was even just barely on time to start my class! Ugh!
And then teaching yoga does what it nearly always does. I settled down mentally and emotionally. I listened to my student's needs, touched the lineage of yoga and just taught. I felt cooled, centered, and my head felt better.
I put on some lentils to cook to make into a salad and finally faced calling my Mom. After all my stress over telling her I won't be going to the wedding she responded with an, "Oh. OK."
She said she understands how my family hurt me and why I might not want to see them yet. She also really felt like my desire not to have my relationship with CK potentially turn into "Family Drama" at a wedding was reasonable. We made plans to have a late lunch and some thrift store shopping on Sunday.
I made a great, late dinner and got the downside of the wave catching up with my friend JA-N. Her cancer pathology report was sent onto the Mayo Clinc and even they were only able to give a "best guess" as to where the cancer started. The diagnosis, endometrial cancer, suggests a chemotherapy treatment that is known to have the most side-effects. She's scared about it and I totally understand.
In between the surprising Up wave of talking to Mom and the Down wave of catching up on news from my friend there is the middle. I felt the happiness at hearing CK get home from a meeting and now watching Zonker snuggle up to her on the couch. I don't feel unsteadied by any of the news I've received today. I do feel rooted in compassion, especially towards those who are experiencing pain that leaves me feeling sad in response to their suffering.
Metta on the Up waves, on the Down waves, and in the space between the next wave starting.
A Tiny Room
Portland has been baking in unusually hot weather. It was over 100 degrees (37.7+ C) here today, for the second day in a row. Tomorrow will be the same. We'll "cool down" to the mid 90s on Thursday. It has been humid as well, 43% humidity at this moment.
I am trying to meet the heat with equanimity and curiosity, but right now my head aches and I feel a little sticky. The upstairs, particularly the bedroom, feels as though it has been transported to India or SE Asia. Tonight sleeping up there will give us practice for visiting those places!
We're trying not to use the small air conditioner units which sit in the window. Cooling the house by opening it up and using fans. We're also spending time down in the basement. I'm practicing gratitude for our spacious home that has a comfortable basement. If it is too unbearable up in the bedroom we can set up to sleep down here, another thing to be grateful for.
The heat affects the air quality which makes my sinuses ache. Between that, the jaw pain (which has improved since my massage therapist worked on it, but is still there), and the allergies irritated by all the dust from moving at the office, my head has had a constant, dull, ache for days now. It does ebb and flow a bit, but there always seems to be some level of headache. It doesn't leave me feeling very focused or productive.
I'll leave off the complaints about the weather & my head and instead post this poem by Hafiz. Chozen read this to us during the Loving-Kindness sesshin in April and it has remained in my mind since.
I Want Both of Us
I want both of us
To start talking about this Great Love
As if You, I and the Sun were all married
And living in a tiny room.
Helping each other to cook,
Do the wash,
Weave and sew
Care for our beautiful
Animals.
We all leave each morning
To labor on the earth’s field.
No one does not lift a great pack.
I want both of us to start singing like two
Traveling minstrels
About this Extraordinary Existence
We Share,
As If,
You, I, and God were all married
And living in
A Tiny
Room
Clench
I grit my teeth, particularly in my sleep. With sufficient force that I need to have sealants done on the 12 cracks caused by the force of my clenching my teeth. I've done this since I was in my teens. Probably earlier, but in my teens they pointed to it as a cause of the terrible headaches I would have.
Uh yeah. No sign of anything in that one. Nor the insomnia I can remember not having.
Anyway, I've been having one of those headaches for days. My "BruxGuard" broke several weeks ago. It was going towards 2 decades old, so I can't really complain except for the need of having molds taken of my mouth and the cost of a new guard.
So, yes, I put it off until my head is just pounding. It isn't helped by the fact that my allergies are still pretty active and I've been sneezing a lot. It hurts from my shoulders up my entire head. Throbbing particularly bad in my left molars. Generally it has begun to feel like something has hit me across the face. Joy.
Today my new guard arrived and it is gigantic compared to my old one. I've had wisdom teeth come in on top, since the first guard was made, so it stretches around those teeth and right into the gums of my lower teeth (where no wisdom teeth ever appeared). Ugh.
I was directed to sit and wait until they could get a chair for me. So much for my In-and-Out plan at the dentist with no anxiety medication or someone to be there with me. Metta practice in the waiting room (much to the interest of the late teens waiting as well). Then into a chair with all the familiar, unsettling smells and noises. More Metta until the dentist came and while he was there.
There was much grinding and rather painful fitting this afternoon. Better when he finished with it but it still feel enormous in my mouth tonight. I'm to try it out for a few days to see if I can sleep with it, if not he grind it down a bit more. I hope so, I really need to give my head a break from the pressure at night.
Cupcake Double Happiness Thursday
In which I make two batches of vegan cupcakes on conference calls and delegating work.
That's how my Thursday went. Oh, and I made 60+ petals out of marzipan to decorate the green tea cupcakes with 5-petal blossoms.
It was a mad dash most of the day. I went in late to be at a retirement party. 3 more people encouraged to take retirement now after the four from my team last year. Lots of smiles, well-wishes, cupcakes appreciated, and lovely cantaloupe & pear sorbet!
It feels unsettled at my office, especially so since we're moving up two floors soon and my desk is surrounded by boxes. I hate moving so much. CK and I just got the living and dining rooms empty of boxes. Being around them at work just makes me want to cry sometimes. Despite this I packed up all my work related books this week and have begun packing the small items (shells, toys, altar stuff...).
It was nice to go to zazen tonight at the Dharma center after such a hectic day. I felt really settled in my sitting tonight and wished there had been a second sitting period. I was happy to give up the second sit since we got to hear the current shusso (head of zendo), who is stepping down after a year's service, discuss the koan he's studied. It was a lively and bright interaction, at more than one point the whole sangha shared laughter together!
The cupcakes, which had been denied to CK earlier in the day, were handed out to our teachers and the old and new shussos first. I have misplaced my mini-cupcake pan and had made full-sized ones, which meant there were not enough for everyone. I felt a little bad about this when someone asked after they'd been put out if there were more cupcakes.
Other than that it was fun to share something special with my sangha. I focused on the appreciation of everyone who got to have a cupcake and have tried not to let it be an opportunity for my inner critic shaming me for not being "perfect".
Practice
My practice has felt out of step. The free fall feeling after the teacher training ended was kept at bay by teaching classes got worse in June when I had no classes to teach. Both my yoga and zazen practices have faltered during this time and I feel out of step, anxious and tired.
The past couple of days I've felt like I was all written out for a little bit. I know I'm not done processing, I'm trying not to cling to the idea of someday being "finished", but I do feel like I've shifted down a little from the intensity. I credit some of this to seeing Iris last week and feeling they way she was shifting some of the energy.
Tonight, at a point where dinner was cooking and I had 15 minutes, I did a quick yoga practice. Downward dog, side dog, several variations in uttanasana and 3 full, classical sun salutations. I felt myself warmed up.
Dinner turned out marvelously. It has been a lot of fun for me to really cook. I've been enjoying this outlet of creativity too!
I also sat tonight in such a way. Just taking 15 minutes to mindfully sit. Not just squeezing a little zazen in here and there, but just sitting a little. Just coming back to practice again.
May I Be at Ease
Had a nice mini-class, only two students, yesterday. The inconsistent scheduling at Dishman doesn't help consistent students. People get a 3+ week break and stuff gets filled in the way of their practice. Still, two returning students who are both a joy to talk with, so it was a nice class.
Muscle spasms when I was exerting through the right leg, so I took it easy the rest of the day. Even laying down for reading/napping after a light lunch. We did a little grocery shopping, I made split pea soup for us, we cleaned up, sat zazen, then played card games until bed.
Two full days with less rushing, more resting. I still feel a bit depleted today, but like I have recharged a lot with this weekend. CK is improving, slowly. Still coughing and today's information from the allergy clinic only confused things further.
Today's meetings left me feeling anxious about my technical skills and feeling behind on stuff. All that fun and then I went to my dentist's office to get impressions made of my teeth. My rather ancient bite guard finally broke and the rather constant pressure and jaw ache I've had since has convinced me I cannot wait until September's cleaning/check-up to have the impressions made.
CK drove me after I finally got over my awkwardness about asking her too. I think I feel most worried about driving because I feel how distracted I am going to the appointments. It wasn't too bad, I was able to keep most of the panicky feelings at bay with less medication that some visits have required. While they would hold the molds with alginate in my mouth (the worst part) I kept my hands in samadhi mudra, kept feeling for my breath and repeated the loving-kindness phrase "May I be at ease." in my head.
Then I came home and napped for a little while.
Working how to make our simple lentils for tacos in the pressure cooker. Draining a little and cooking longer causes them to stick and burn a bit. The result still tasted good but it will be better when I get a ratio of water and ingredients down that can right into the cooker from the beginning.
Aware of how much I'm craving sweets again today. Tried getting some chocolate cake from New Seasons, which we'd done before and were pleased with it, but this stuff had lumps of flour in it and was very dry. Fruit is nice, but not quite what I'm craving.... yeah, carb-tastic baked goods... My brain has this voice that keeps reminding me that we deserve a cookie after being good at the dentist! Thankfully I have discovered that the maple frosted mini shredded wheat cereal from TJs seems to satisfy the sweet cravings!