Moving With the Current
I've felt my inner critic ratcheting up the guilt this week. As each day passed without me writing I felt the guilt-o-meter creep up a bit more. Edging toward that place where I just give up because I feel so guilty for slacking I can't bear the thought of facing the reality of starting over.
When interacting with people and I feel as though I was mindless or unskillful in my speech I can feel overwhelmed by the guilt of it, unable to be present for feeling bad. I'm trying to get better and actually say something to the person, as soon as I am possibly able. In the past I'd feel so ashamed of my behavior that I felt incapacitated to even address it with the person I'd hurt or made angry. Since I've been learning to say something to the person, as agonizingly painful as it feels, I often find that the person really hadn't taken offense at all or if they had, not to the extent I'd built it up to be in my mind.
So I am writing tonight, finally, after many full days. I gave a very well received presentation at work. I should be able to glean things out of that presentation into a generic one I'm going to propose to OS Bridge, a free, "pre" OSCON Open Source conference that some folks are trying to put together for next summer here in Portland (in response to OSCON moving from Portland in 2009). I'm also considering proposing a "Yoga for Geeks" workshop there as well.
Suddenly my prospects of teaching more yoga have grown! Tonight I met with the owner of SomaSpace, a studio that features formal & ecstatic dance, body movement, and she's looking for yoga teachers. The space is convienient and lovely, very comfortable feeling. PB was not merely interested in the ideas I had, but enthusiastic and supportive as well.
We talked about my starting out by offering workshops and perhaps some regular, once-a-month classes. I said I'd like to do workshops on yoga and trauma recovery as well as a regular class for members of the transgender community. I think she'd be equally interested if I offered workshops for hospice workers and other pallative caregivers. I was just stunned by all the names of people she wants to introduce me to, ideas she had about marketing, and even the suggestion that I throw a party/fundraiser for myself to fund buying props!
Then I went to zazen and spent two sitting periods, plus the walking period, trying desperately to NOT plan everything now! Even as I tried to settle myself into my breath, I had to admit I was having very good ideas! One I really like is working towards doing a Metta Yoga workshop out of all I learn from Loving-kindness retreat in April.
For the present, I have the training to finish in March. PB and I agreed to keep in touch during the winter and as it gets closer to April we'll look at some dates. I am feeling that this may be a good arugument for making it to one of her dance evenings once in a while. It is a good way to keep that rapport between us supported.
If we as practitioners think of ourselves as entering a stream, I have this feeling of being moved along by the current. Not swept up, rushing heedlessly off. Rather being supported, bouyed up and moved along in the right direction. The current providing swiftness to my Way.
Tapas
In Yoga tapas is one of the Niyamas, one of the ways we live. It translates as Burning Effort or sometimes just diligence. In investigating the six Paramitas I hear the echo of it in the perfection of Virya. This also is sometimes translated as diligence, but also energy, courage, enthusiasm, and effort. There is at times a element of practice that is just gotten through using nothing but pure, raw tapas.
I had reflected on this idea after reading the phrase, "pure, raw discipline" in The Heart of Being in talking about Zen practice, that it is what gets some people through sitting zazen. Daido Loori Roshi had gone on to note that there must more than just that, there must be something else that draws you to practice in order to both sustain and go deeply into it. That phrase really stuck with me.
Today's teacher training included 3 hours of a core/abdominal (second and third chakra) workshop. I'd felt a little anxious about it since half of my back pain resides in the second chakra and I was still sore from Friday night's practice. It had occurred to me that is what got me through the Jivamukti inspired vinyasa that made everything about my hips, backside and legs ache!
It got me through to the end of the workshop. Towards the end my hips were aching, low-level spasms brought up some of the helplessness I'd felt a couple of weeks ago trying to kick up into adho mukha vrksasana. Tears were springing up in my eyes, smarting at the corners, and I felt demoralized entirely. I finished by doing things to open the hips, relieve them. I recovered a bit eating a snack afterwards, but felt entirely exhausted and was happy to go home.
To news that the hard drive may have given up life (music library!) which is frustrating on a few levels. For a time I just felt taut with raw emotion that I'd just breathed past while relying on raw discipline. AM graciously made dinner so I could go sit zazen for a bit. I wanted to make sure I did it, stop excusing myself from it for any number of reasons. I was exhausted and hurting, but I just sat with it and the emotion. After 25 minutes or so I felt better, quieter in the volume even if I felt the pain intensely yet still.
Tomorrow will be a long day. Teaching my class at the community center, lunch break, then co-teaching a second class at the Dharma Center. I'm going to talk to Hogen tomorrow after that, about my fear and the pain. I know that's what I need to do.
I miss CK, I'm glad she's having a good time. I was very happy she called even though she was tired out. I just miss her and the routine of our life together.
Writing and Thinking About Yoga
I've spent some time tonight writing for my yoga teacher training class. It also aligns with some things CK and I've talked about over the weekend, writing content for a real web presence. I kept things very short for the moment, just summarizing things at a high level to share with two of my fellow students. After we've collaborated on what to present to our whole class on Saturday I'll expand into more detail about Ahimsa and Asteya. I'll eventually write short bits about each of the Yamas and Niyamas.
I didn't make it as far as I would have liked today figuring out a login page. Started building some things, but not 100% it is the best solution. I think I'm going to do some work tomorrow on the older, Perl based tool that needs updating. Will be nice to feel like I'm making some real progress! At times working on this rewrite stuff is fun, at other times it makes me want to find a way to not do development anymore! I ended the day feeling like I should have really worked on the presentation or the metrics report!
After dinner this evening CK worked on a flyer for the yoga class going on for the next few weeks at the Dharma center. MB had sent out an email with many details, the 3 classes will study the six paramitas. Paramitas are considered methods by which we perfect our practice and MB is offering yoga classes around them. I helped by coming up with a few words for the flyer and in doing so came up with an idea I suggested to MB.
I grouped the six paramitas in twos, thinking that's how a class would go. It put shakti and vriya together -- acceptance and effort, peace and courage. I immediately thought of some of the balance, deep and strength poses we use. The way we have to approach those poses with both shakti and vriya in order to not merely endure, but thrive in our practices. MB had asked if I might have some interest in co-teaching some of this short series with her, so I shared my thoughts.
It was nice just hanging out tonight. Watching things with AM in the background, writing things for my teacher training, and helping CK was just a nice way to spend the evening and I enjoyed it very much. For feeling like I didn't get much done at work today, it feels like a good day regardless.
Yoga Workshops!
The alarm went off at 10 minutes before seven this morning. I'd been anxiety dreams, something about being expected to present in front of a large crowd. When the alarm rang I nearly sat upright with nervous energy before my brain registered that CK running around to turn them off meant it was, indeed Sunday. I had quite a lot of time to snooze before needing to get up.
Eventually, past 9AM I got out of bed and had a shower, some toast with almond butter, and tea. Chatted with CK, who was feeling especially fatigued and decided to stay home instead of going to Sunday yoga. We decided we'd go do something in the afternoon around town, take photographs and hang out. I suggested that while I taught CK decide where we would go. Then I rode on over to the community center and enjoyed teaching the 6 students who arrived.
On the way to my classroom PB, who is one of the teachers and facilitators in the Ecstatic Dance community in Portland, stopped me to talk. She has recently taken over some space over in the Hollywood neighborhood and asked me if I would be interested teaching yoga there! We talked about my schedule being very full at this time, but in the spring might be possible. She also was very interested in hearing me talk about doing workshops for women recovering from trauma as well as classes for the trans and gender queer communities.
I was really touched, moved, and absolutely giddy with the excitement over it. I ended up getting my class going a little late, although people were happy to hear that I might be teaching elsewhere around town. More of that kind of "ah-ha" feeling -- the feeling excited and complimented over this, it is appropriate to take pride in this. It was amazing to have recently been talking about what I want to do and, poof, there it is.
Teacher Training Break Day!
Today was a break from yoga study since it is JW's birthday. I slept in until 8:30 and stayed in bed until past 9AM, just moving slow. I wasn't as stiff as I feared I'd be after last night's asana practice. I found some of the poses so challenging to my hips, just burning at my sit bones and aching, that I felt my face burning with suppressed tears.
Learning to Let Go
No post yesterday. I didn't really feel like interrupting a quiet evening to write, felt the guilt around it, and decided that really it is OK if I miss a day once in a while. Trying to let go of what my therapist tells me is a "Puritan work ethic" run amok. I just feel like I should have more projects DONE if I have such an out of balance sense of work! I just reminded myself that this is about practice, the practice of writing and not a practice of perfection (again).
My yoga class yesterday was a lot of fun. Hip opening, sun salutations, and supta padangusthasana (1-3). There was great energy from everyone; the container of the class felt like it vibrated with positive, shining prana.
After wards CK and I ate leftover rice & mock-chicken casserole and finished off the purple cauliflower & Romanesco broccoli from the market. After hanging out chatting for a while we decided that we wanted to see a movie and settled upon Hamlet 2, feeling in the mood for something light.
We quickly got ourselves downtown to the Regal on Broadway, purchased tickets, decided to get popcorn, and only missed mere moments of the previews. They've changed the seats and we liked the tables that now appear between pairs of seats. We felt a little worried when a pack of young teens sat down directly in front of us, but they settled down pretty quickly.
The movie was very funny. I was cringing at Steve Coogan's portrayal of a lousy drama teacher in Tuscon, Arizona. Talking about it today with my massage therapist, BM, who has also seen it. She enjoyed it a lot too, the silliness of it and we both agreed it is very well done.
CK and I made soup once we got back to her flat. We had been talking about making an African peanut stew she has a recipe for, however, we didn't really much feel like leaving the flat so I decided we'd just make soup out of what we found in the kitchen. It was fun to do and we enjoyed getting it put together.
We shared some wine and one of the Pink Pearl apples I'd picked up from the Farmers Market. While the soup cooked I practiced doing asana adjustments with CK playing my student with improper posture. We watched another episode of Six Feet Under, which I've come to enjoy a lot.
After such a relaxing Sunday I woke up in a panic at 7:20 this morning. I'd tried going to bed while anxious feelings, old shame forced on me, swirled around incessantly. I tossed and turned, waking up with starts, and then unable to get comfortable. All night I did this until I opened my eyes, saw the time and sat up with a start. I felt disoriented and ill.
I got into my email for work, sat in on the daily status call, and had the toast & almond butter CK made me for breakfast. I ultimately decided I was not up to the bicycle back to my house and gave AM a call for a ride now that we have the right stuff to transport the bike on the Outback. He gave me a worried look when I got in the car, a second confirmation besides the mirror that I didn't look well.
The day was full of meetings, planning, and trying to work with people on determining the best process to use. I went through it in something of a haze, my mind feeling a bit blurry. CK got some frustrating news in the afternoon and I was glad to be working from home so I was available to message with. AM phoned me at about 2:30, as I was finally eating some lunch, to ask if I needed a ride over to my massage therapist's. I suddenly realized I had an appointment coming up in 30 minutes!
I finished just the toasted, whole wheat, English muffin topped with avocado. I didn't want to feel full while having body work done so I didn't have any of the leftover soup more than two bites. The little bit of bread, rich with the avocado was enough for the time being. I wrapped up a couple of things and rode on over to BM's house.
She and I chatted about how I was doing physically and energy-wise. After talking about the pain in the hips and back I told BM that I felt like I was just spinning my wheels in this old pain even though my therapist says I'm making progress. While she worked on me several times I felt energy moving through my limbs, pooling in my fingers until I felt myself shaking them as if to encourage the excess to leave.
After I got home AM and I put together tacos for dinner, finishing off the avocados in the house which were perfectly ripe. It was tasty and quick since he'd made nachos Sunday night; there was leftover taco filling and re-fried beans in the refrigerator.
After dinner AM headed over to BG's house to go through all the donations sitting there for the Burmese families our Sangha has been helping. I was going to go with him, but he asked if I really wanted to since I still apparently looked poorly. I ended up sitting downstairs writing and listening to music while he was gone.
It was nice to have that quiet. Mostly I wrote about food since DG had commented to me that the reviews of what I make sound tasty, but he wanted directions. It is very good practice for me to do this, really start breaking down what I cook. Since I've thought of writing a cookbook at some time this is exactly what I need to do.
Writing about food, really thinking it though, has been very grounding to me. After feeling such anxiety, uneasiness, and shame I should never been made to feel, the connection back to making healthful food feels healing. I remembered CB telling me about how she would bake when things were tough or she felt stuck, that merely turning on the oven to pre-heat would help.
JW made a comment during the hip opening workshop that there was a difference between "letting go" and "getting rid" of something. I have been thinking about this a lot, trying to check in with myself and the ways in which I would just like to get rid of all this nasty stuff. Moving from hiding it, denying it, pretending it wasn't there, to trying to just excise it from my life. I still need to move towards letting it go, embracing those terrible things and finally being able to rest.
Oh, the hips…
Yesterday was a three hour hip opening, first chakra (Muladhara) workshop at Prananda. Last year during the Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy training workshop I ran into how intense getting into this chakra can be. I'd ended up in tears being assisted in holding a pose I feel is a true ally (supta padanguthasana). I was a little nervous about this but at least prepared.
In a couple of poses, holding them far longer than usual, I felt some tingling of the panic that shows up with IW works on the trigger points on my left sit bone. I was able to breath through these things. A few times it became so intense I would just lay down or do child's pose.
It was during savasana, resting with a flax seed bag over my eyes, that I felt the deep grief well up inside of me, mixed with some of the anxiety and fear. I felt very anxious and kept trying to just breath through it. When it got to be too much I turned my head to the side and let the bag fall off of my eyes. I stretched out my hand to touch CK's elbow as she lay in savasana next to me. She felt me and reached her hand out to hold mind.
I dislike crying to begin with, it awakens all kinds of fear in me that I'll be punished for it in some way. That's how I feel at home crying. In public it feels so much worse. After we sat up and offered three chants of Om I lay back down on my side, feeling the wetness on my face. I curled up in a tight ball, just feeling the grief and shame. CK stayed with me, helping me find my way back through.
JW came over for a moment, just to check in and be sure I was OK. After the workshop participants, including CK, left the teacher training students settled down to watch more of the DVD. I lay on my side, shawl over me, and just was present for the words of the DVD. Tried not to go back into the fear or grief.
After some DVD watching we went back to adho mukha svanasana. I think I may have done the pose 24 times in a couple of hours. Reviewed the respiratory system and assists for downward dog. CK came and picked me up. I had my bike but was so utterly exhausted I knew I couldn't make it to her flat.
We stopped at Dalo's on the way home, enjoying the usual vegetarian platter. Spent a lot of time talking that night and got to sleep a bit late. Both of us taking more ibuprofen before managing to get comfortable enough to sleep.
CK was yoga'd out after Saturday's workshop and stayed home while I taught my Sunday class. It was a good class, broke down downward dog further as well as some shoulder things. Another new student today, G, a man who seems to be in his late 40s/early 50s. Unsurprisingly his shoulders are very, very tight as well as his upper back. He left saying he'd be back next week.
CK had been busy cleaning and making yummy tempeh hash. We had that for lunch topped with tomatoes from the garden, it was just such lovely comfort food after teaching and the work on Saturday. We hung out for a while, resting and talking, then walked up to the library then on to Mio Gelato where we discovered vegan sorbetto. We each had a scoop of nectarine sorbetto which tasted just like late summer!
After getting back to the house, CK brought me and the bike home, AM and I talked for a bit before making wonderful pizza. Whole wheat crust, tomatoes from the garden, grilled eggplant & "cue ball" squash from the garden, and some Tofurky Italian sausage. We've hung out in the basement watching stuff on Discovery while I've done laundry and wrote.
In the still moments before sleep
At times the still moments before sleep are a difficult ones, when I slip into barely remembered trauma, flashbacks surface and I don't sleep much the rest of the night. Sometimes it is the most productive analysis and programming I do for work. Other times some kind of ah-ha type of moment settles into the stillness.
Sunny September Sunday
Whew! What a busy few days. I feel really tired and energized at the same time. Mentally I'm zooming a little but I feel the physical intensity of the past few days. AM and I are watching Jools Holland, which we DVR, Toots and the Maytals played as did Jet, from Australia. We had the leftover pumpkin curry for dinner along with some flat crackers toasted with tomatoes, olive tapenade and some red onions. It was a nice, simple meal and we talked a lot while getting things together.
Today my class ended up running a little late, but no one really seems to mind and the class was a lot of fun. Two students from last year returned after a long break bringing two friends with them. One person completely new to yoga, one who remembered taking Kundalini yoga classes many years ago. Another returning student from this summer, R who gave me such a compliment a few weeks ago when I was having a very difficult, vulnerable day. And CK, something that brings me a great pleasure; I feel a rush of warm emotions when I see her on her mat.
The energy was very good, lots of questions, and I was just enjoying it so much I was surprised to find we were still doing standing posed and it was at the end of class time! I didn't feel too bad since class had got to a late start. R had asked for plank and side plank, which was great since I was really looking forward to teaching going up into adhomukha svanasana from plank pose. This was one of the things from teacher training that I really wanted to try with my class. I was pleased to see how much better each person's pose looked, even the brand new person!
CK and I rode back to her place afterward and were able to continue our conversation from a little better place. The yoga practice burning off some of the energy and grounding us both. It was easier although still deep and touching places that hurt. We had more soup and just hung out talking to each other. Occasionally taking breaks and talking on other topics, but still keeping connected.
We lay down together, just touching and talking. CK brought up an idea she had, that perhaps we investigate adding Tantra to our shared practices, to our relationship. It ties very closely to our Hatha yoga and Zen practices and might be useful in discovering how to feel safe in intimacy together. As she told me this I'd been laying there thinking that maybe before we go to bed we should actually sit together, meditate.
I mentioned this and she asked if we could touch. When she said that I was struck with the idea of sharing a cushion so we could sit with our backs completely touching. We tried this, each perched on one side of a flat, bed pillow. We slowly let ourselves lean into each other and sat for a few moments. It was wonderful feeling the warm length of her against the whole of my back, knowing the sensation of her breath as well as my own.
It isn't exactly a path through the rocky shoals of intimacy that shows up in anything we've read, but it is something I think valuable to explore. I recall one book suggesting an exercise to sit with you hand on your partner's heart, but the arm would quickly grow tired and it seemed a little awkward even though I like being able to lie next to CK with my hand on her heart.
There was something so deeply connected feeling in sitting with my back to her, and that was just a in the few moments of trying out the idea of sharing a cushion. I feel like it could be deeply intimate sitting for many minutes that way, in zazen. Our backs touching and sharing the movement of breath while our minds did the work of settling into the silence.
We lay stretched out on the bed after zazen together. Outside there was a block party with live music. It was a warm, sunny early September afternoon and we found ourselves enjoying each other while a jazz guitar and female vocalist came in through the open windows. CK noted, as we were lying there enjoying the day and the music that it felt natural to be together.
Sitting with my back to hers for those moments, feeling her so deeply, helped to ground me in how strong of a relationship we're building. That helped the feelings of desperation and hopelessness subside. When those things settle it lets the tension around intimacy subside.
September Starts Slowly
Still feeling a bit slow today. Seemed like many people today were still moving slow after the holiday weekend. At work today and in my class "tired" was a common word. It was such a long weekend for me but still pretty busy in many ways and getting back to the routine seemed a bit of a challenge.
I got through the day, making myself get up and go for a short walk around 2:30. Picked up a nectarine, some rice cakes, and other fruit for the week at Whole Foods. Tried to make sure I had a snack soon before leaving. When I got to the house I also had a banana before going to the community center to teach yoga.
Did some sun salutations in class with a focus on lunges and a series around adho mukha svanasana. Then did some work on the core muscles in the abdomen -- I'm thinking I may feel those tomorrow! Afterward I walked over to CK's flat to pick up my bicycle -- neither of us had felt like biking over in the chill of the weekend and had left mine there.
I was glad she was home. Since she'd been over hanging out on Monday and had slept in a bit today we decided not to have our usual Tuesday lunch. It made sense but I had to admit that I missed that part of the "normal" routine. Instead I had some leftover chili and kept working on simple, but necessary tasks on my list. As I walked up the block I first saw her truck, then reminded myself she might be on her bicycle. Then I saw the open windows and Atari sitting looking out at the world going by. CK was what I saw next, waving at me. I realized how much I had wanted to see her at feeling the smile spread across my face.
I summoned up what energy I'd gathered teaching class and got set to ride home. I gave AM a quick call to let him know I was on the way and he asked that we go to Dalo's for dinner. I had an easy ride over and the usual, yummy vegetarian platter. AM offered to come up with a way to bring my bike home in the Outback, but I pointed out that the best part of the ride home was what was left. Sufficiently fueled by injeera, lentils, cabbage, spinach, peas, and beer I easily got up the hill and coasted home.