A Day Guided by Whim
I had a good day today even though CK is up at Great Vow and Mom is sick. Have been thinking a lot about practice, authenticity and relationships.
It started out with turning off the alarm at 7AM then waking up at 8:20 to realize that I had successfully turned off the alarm instead of "snoozing" it and that I felt pretty well rested. I got up and thought about going to the gym. Decided to call Mom and was pretty much immediately greeted with, "Where were you last Saturday? I waited around all day for you and you never showed up!"
Uhh... I pointed out to Mom that last Saturday I was practically at Prananda form 9AM to 9PM for my last day of teacher training and graduation party. She then accused me of being short with her. Then started coughing horribly and said she'd have to phone me back.
Right, not a good start to the day. When she did phone back I was dressed and making tea, ready to drive out to Corbett to see her. She told me that she had a pulmonary infection (I could guess that by the terrible coughing) and was on day two of a very high dose of Prednisone (ahh, that explained why she started out angry and irrational at first). I said I'd come see her anyway and she said not to, that both she and my step-father were sick and I should stay away.
I was disappointed, really. She and I talked for a while. This past year I find myself listening to my Mom say how she wished things were done differently when I was a kid, how she regrets choices she made that affected me. In a way it is almost unsettling. I'm so accustomed to not being acknowledged that to have attention focused on the ways I suffered is uncomfortable.
Suddenly I found my day empty. I thought about going to the house and working on the yard. I pulled up the information for the Integrative Meditation workshop. Then a saw someone I'd at Beer & Blog ask if anyone was up for breakfast in SE PDX.
I thought, what the hell, and answered. We set something up and I headed out. The food turned out to be really mediocre, not awful but not really great considering there are several good places around. It was just fun hanging out, talking about life in general and bicycles. After breakfast she even let me take a test ride on her Xtracycle, which was a hoot!
For the rest of the day I let whim guide me and indulged myself a little. I reminded myself that even having spent money on the laptop I could afford a little indulgence. It was OK, I wasn't being too extravagant
Found some good things at the Hawthorne Goodwill, including some pants to replace a few pair that are too big, a couple of lightweight hoodies, and some shirts. Wandered over to Sweetpea and had a better cup of coffee. Then picked up a couple of items at Herbivore I'd had my eye on for some time (a dressy-looking belt and a t-shirt) and chatted with Michelle a bit more about my disappointing Vy & Elle bag, she even had a recommendation for a local PDX messenger bag designer! I then popped in and talked ink at Scapegoat (maybe could get in by June or sooner). Picked up the old iBook I'd locked in my desk downtown and then headed to the flat. The evening was filled with a dinner for a friend's birthday at Portobello, which was very tasty. Hung out with just a couple of folks afterward and it was a great evening.
The fact that I missed CK all day long doesn't distract that it was a really lovely day, it just is part of the overall state of the day. The thing that strikes me the most is how I don't feel this huge, "oh I don't know what I'd do without you" kind of dramatic emotion. I just notice how she's not there. I enjoy myself, yes, have a lovely time, but I'm aware of her absence always. She's sent me messages here and there, each filling me with love. I have been so grateful for this little connection to her this weekend.
I am so glad she will be home tomorrow, I look forward to enjoying the spring sunshine with her in the late afternoon. It will be wonderful to catch up with her, I really am looking forward to hearing about the workshop and her experience with it. I feel profound, awesome gratitude that she wants to whole-heartedly share her life with me.
Checking Out Beer and Blog
Really tried out the Air today. I intentionally left my work laptop, an HP, logged in and locked up on my desk downtown. I spent some time using the option to remotely access my work laptop and ran several things. Worked on the login scripts some more, making some progress. It was great getting to use the laptop this way, it was so much faster.
CK asked me this afternoon if I was getting used to the idea that it was my laptop. I smiled at her and agreed that I was settling into enjoying it. It is really nice to be able to do this for myself. I also have really enjoyed the "oohs" and "ahhs" I get when I take it out of my bag!
Which I had a lot of opportunity to do this evening, finally checking out Beer and Blog at the Green Dragon. I liked hearing about how BnB got started, had a porter, got some buttons and was introduced to a pile of cool people by my friend YW. I'm always grateful to run into him at events since he seems to be able to introduce me to just about everyone. In fact, I only seem to manage to remember a handful of the people each time because there are so many new people!
I spent some time chatting with ML from The Movement Center. We talked briefly about approaches to yoga. It was great hearing someone talk about the importance of keeping yoga accessible! She was very interested in my ideas about workshops around trauma recovery and compassion fatigue. Looking forward to connecting with her more later.
FW also introduced me to a woman who is running a site for people coming out as queer later in life, QueerL.Net. Interesting to read so far, more interesting to know how another person went down such a similar path.
I also got to see MS, who I missed last week now that we're not all gathering at the Bagdad to watch BSG! Fun chatting about cats with her and about programming with her and SB. All very cool people met tonight, I was really glad I went.
After that aw AM's flat this evening. It is cozy and nicely located with a great view of the sun setting over the city. We had dinner at Fujin's. I found everything to be saltier than I imagined, but still really tasty. We ordered a tofu soup to start that I ended up finishing. Soft tofu and veggies in a clear, veggie broth. I added some chili paste and it made the most of my dinner which is probably for the best since the Crispy Eggplant is deep friend, the veggie pot stickers were deep fried, and the tofu in the General Tso's Tofu was also freshly deep fried!
All that and I miss CK. She left this afternoon to attend the Inner Critic workshop at Great Vow. She's let me know she's glad she's there, which I was really happy to receive. She also said she wants to try to find a way for us to attend the Walking Together workshop for couples in May.
Seeing AM getting settled into and happy with his flat was good tonight. I also got to hear how DW is moving forward with grace towards getting a place with her friend. Although I know part of me is working on just taking my hands off of both of those lives it was reassuring to listen to the positive news. On top of that having such good connections tonight, more positive experiences getting involved with new community, was helpful. Once I get talking with people it is easier to be open.
But it was getting CK's messages as I was headed to the flat to take care of Atari that were so special. I cannot help but return to my gratitude in sharing our practices of Zen and yoga together. I miss her a lot tonight, things have been so busy and unsettled for so long I really wish she was here. However, I feel comfortable and good about her being at this workshop. I feel even better knowing that she really wants us to attend the workshop on relationship as spiritual practice. To feel not only that she supports my practices, but that our sharing of them is this powerful synergy is really something I'm profoundly grateful for.
Something Nice for Myself
This morning we woke up early and headed downtown to CK's office building across the street from Backspace. A studio moving sale a floor above her office listed having a microwave for sale which we picked up. No more cold leftover lunches!
Microwave-mission accomplished we headed over to Blossoming Lotus for some brunch. I finally tried out the live wrap and CK ordered then Indian bowl. The wrap -- carrots, sprouts, & cashew creme rolled into kale leaves with a side of some kind of creamy, cilantro sauce -- was delicious, if messy. The curried veggies in the Indian bowl were tasty and the curry rich and satisfying over brown rice (I know, I had the leftover for a late lunch later).
Powell's was next for coffee/tea and wi-fi. Being that it was an increasingly nice day Powell's was already pretty busy by 11AM. CK spotted a table while I ordered our drinks. She read a new JQuery book she had just received while I jotted down some notes on a guided visualization to use at the end of a yoga class, Savasana. When I finished I popped upstairs and found another great Lonely Planet guide and we talked about birthday trip ideas until it was time for me to head to Prananda for another day of teacher training.
At last Saturday's class Joy had told all of the teacher trainees that we had to do something nice for ourselves this week. I've felt a little like a faker on it this week, not really making an effort at it. In reading E's blog post about really taking time to fully experience and be present for the blessings in her life really struck me a lot. How we don't have to make some grand gesture at all in doing something for ourselves.
I reigned in my Inner Critic and let up on feeling guilty for just not having the mental resources to write an OSCON proposal this year. It was due on Tuesday and Monday found me just staring at a screen with no ability to really pull anything complete together. I'm letting myself feel excited about the prospect of a birthday trip, a BIG trip, in fact the biggest trip I've ever taken in my life so far! I asked for and received a happy offer to help me in my goal for my 40th birthday -- to start the day in an unsupported headstand! To all of that I get to add a really wonderful morning today.
Despite the intense pressure going on right now with work (the weekday job that supports my Practice), with the huge changes in my personal life, and the uncertainty around my Mom's health -- despite all that I can be present for all of the beauty, joy and Love that is there too. That is the nicest thing I can ever do for myself and for the people I interact with. Practice, be present.
Winter Moon
I headed out to NW Portland to an appointment with my physical/craniosacral therapist around 5PM this evening. I noticed as I came into downtown from the Broadway Bridge that the moon, the thinnest sliver showing, was rising above the West Hills, peeking out of the clouds. Down a little in the dark, evening sky was the bright point of Venus.
I wished I wasn't driving, wish I wasn't headed to an appointment. I'd have liked to stopped somewhere to just and enjoyed it. Instead I was mindful of the road and made it to my appointment in plenty of time.
Portland's sky is of the nature to change in the winter, by the time my appointment was finished there was no moon nor Venus to be seen again. I felt very grateful to have caught that momentary glimpse
Unexpected Zazen Moment
I left work a little early and took the bus over to have my hair cut. AM picking me up so we could take care of a few things, but since I was done a bit earlier than expected I had some time to kill. I went around the corner to the Chan temple. When I got up the steps I discovered the garden and front gates were all open.
Two Restaurants Today
Today was long. Woke up at 6:15 went into the office, had lunch at Chaat House with CK. This is one of my favorite places to get Indian food in all of Portland. Quite often the two of us order the daily "Big, big, big lunch special" which is rice, dal tarka (most often), a veg curry, and another dish (like aloo saag, aloo channa, etc.) served with naan. It is easily lunch for two and always delicious. Their aloo gobi is wonderful. The channa bhatura is fantastic but I only indulge in that particular fried bread goodness once in a while. I used to say their samosa chaat was second best in town, but since Kumar doesn't make it commercially anymore at India-4-U it the one at Chaat House has taken over this spot.
After lunch I did some coaching, talked with co-workers off an on, then went to catch the bus home. Bus was 20 minutes late and when I got to the house AM let me know that we were going out to dinner with friends to Aladdin's Cafe.
We've not seen these friends in a long while and they also needed some input on an outing they are planning. Since the friends were running a bit late AM and I met them over at the restaurant.
First things first -- there's a post up on Yelp that notes that the fresh pita has dairy in it. I was pretty disappointed when I read this and immediately inquired about it. I was assured, twice that the pita is dairy-free and vegan. That done, I enjoyed dinner very much. Ordered the megadara and have a nice bit of it leftover for lunch tomorrow. Everyone then headed back to the house to talk until nearly 10PM.
Autumn is Nigh
Slept in until 8:30 this morning, which is pretty late for me. It was nice to sleep until I woke up, including waking up for a moment at a few minutes before 7AM and getting to go back to sleep. AM and I stumbled around, took showers, I got together all the stuff I'd be taking with me later, and then we made our way to the Hollywood Farmers Market so I could get more apples.
September is for Apples
AM & I both slept quite late for us, it was past 8:30 when we woke up. I wrote a little about what I'd had in my mind when I went to sleep the night before; the chanting entry. A discussion about going to Seven Virtues for coffee expanded to include a foray to the farmers' market to see if apples were there yet.
Apples are one of my favorite types of fruit and when they start really coming into season it is wonderful enjoying them. Every year I look forward to a particular family orchard bringing apples to the market.
September is for Apples
I headed to the Hollywood Farmers' Market today on a mission -- apples from Kiyokawa Family Orchards. I found the apples were in and immediately stuffed several in the bags along with a couple of pears that will ripen in a few days. I asked about the particularly delicious, but very short seasoned, Pink Pearl variety, they usually are only in for a couple of weeks at the beginning of September. I was told another week, week & a half. The season is off to a late start with our cold, damp year.
Yoga Teacher Training Begins
The day did not start well. At 12:47 one of the suction cups holding the thingy which holds the family tooth brushes and toothpaste gave loose and the two tubes of paste crashed into the tub. AM & I both sat up in bed with a start and he got up to investigate.
At the top of the stairs Zonker hissed at AM as if to say, "Did you hear that, I'm not going down there!"
AM came up told me what it was and we tried to get back to sleep. I'd been barely sleeping, uncomfortable and my mind just awake. Not lots happening, just awake and achy. Should have taken a melatoninin, perhaps if my mind was settled with that help I wouldn't have been as mindful of pain.
So I decided to work from home. Good day for it, had my monthly one-on-one call with my boss. Nice to be home for those because I don't feel like I need to walk off to talk privately somewhere. I had a good kick-off meeting for a project I'll be doing most of the code for. I tried to get PHP to work with the MySQL test database I set up but I'm still stuck on errors about the connection not working.
Then off to Prananda for my first teacher training class to start! As usual for me I felt anxious about it. The ride over there helped with some of the nervous energy as did the asana practice for 90 minutes. By the time we were doing two hours of sitting down and talking about the next seven months I felt much calmer.
I knew I wouldn't be the youngest, but I'm not the oldest either. There is quite a age difference between all of us, which is really cool. One solitary guy and 9 women, plus Joy. Again in a group I'm interested to hear how many people move to Portland. I'm one of a few with a meditation practice. There's several of us with back and hip problems, chronic pain, and muscle spasms.
We watched Yoga Unveiled for about 30 minutes. I was really enjoying the deep history of yoga. There were seals from Harappa discussed and shown which show people in early yoga poses. Tracing yoga back closer to 5000 years! Not sure if anyone else was as into this bit as I was, I know a few people were finding it a bit deep to follow. I'm looking forward to the rest of this DVD.
One of my fellow students has just moved here from Hood River and had rode to the class. She lives on the way I take home from the studio and hadn't put her light on her bike yet. She also hadn't known the best way to take back to her neighborhood so she followed me to her street. It was interesting to be the person who know something about bicycling in Portland!