Misdirected Anger
I’ve struggled the past few days with my Inner Jerk, “Whinnie” is my pet name for her. This particular mind projection is hyper-critical of anything I try to do. It also is certain I need to do it all. I’m never able to do enough to satisfy this energy and what I do accomplish is either barely acceptable, at best, or so terrible I should feel ashamed.
Then I feel like I can’t do anything and, at the same time, I need to do everything.
It’s so tedious. Self-directed anger is a short trip into depression, so I’m trying to work through it.
Today wasn’t helped by spilling the dogs’ supplement all over, into the fridge to start my day! This made me late starting my class. I also hurt my thumb on my right hand trying to play with Bertie. Obie was extra demanding about food all day and broke a jar of salad dressing is made for dinner!
All of this just felt so defeating, waking up the feeling like I failed yesterday because I couldn’t get the takeout I’d planned for.
It occurred to me, when CK was asking how to help get me out of this really negative feedback loop, that I'm feeling rather about the world again. Still.
I don't feel like there's anything I can do to help the world. Turning the rather inward gives the illusion that I have the power to fix the rage. I'm in control!!
Except, I'm so not! "Whinnie" is driving me with this energy, "You must do everything! Why are you so terrible?! You can't do anything!"
I made a comic today and will add it later. It's downstairs and I'm trying to get to bedtime yoga. I was finishing it up when Obie broke the jar, so I didn't photograph it.
I'm adding a kitten placeholder photo from yesterday.
"Whinnie" thinks I'm really lazy for not going downstairs to take the picture of my comic. Sure thought the comic sucked too. She also thinks I'm bad at yoga and my Practice is lacking.
"Why do I sleep when I need to do more?!", she asks.
Here's that kitten again since I fixed the comic!
All the Trips
I stopped at 11 places today, maybe too many?
I picked up a bunch of stuff for the Join drive from various friends and picked up some things people had for me. I visited 6-week old kittens.
I said I could visit kittens without wanting to bring one home. It’s possible I’m not to be taken at my word, one of the kittens is particularly special, the friend who’s fostering them even noted that he was something special. We’re talking about it. Despite everything.
Memories Are Triggered
I went to Costco today with my list and a few list items for friends. More and more I'm trying to reach out to see what people will need. I want to see everyone well stocked before the election and, honestly, the days between the November election and the January inauguration. I believe they might well be fraught with unrest and potential interruptions.
Shopping isn't easy or fun anymore. Costco always was something I had to gear up for. It doesn't overwhelm me, but it is stressful. We've been moving more things to pickup or delivery to reduce my stress. As far as feeling more secure, Costco has set a strong tone all along about adherence to masks, distancing, etc.
Still, as I made my way through the store, I felt this terrible tension building in my head, jaw, and neck. It soon began feeling like I'd been forcing myself to smile too hard, for too long. I started to wonder if I'd tightened the ear loops of the mask too far or the metal bridge of the nose too tightly. My glasses felt like they were digging into my face and skull! It hurt all along the under edge of my jaw and down my throat, wrapping around my neck.
My heart was pounding in response and it felt hard to breathe. I had intentionally chosen a heavier mask to be inside of a store for a while, but one I've worn before without a problem. It finally struck me that I was having some kind of anxiety attack!
Around this time I spotted the weighted blankets on display, something they had the previous year but had sold out of them by the time I went back. I grabbed one and added it to the heavy cart. I also bought a thermal, long-sleeved shirt!
All the while I just told myself, "It's just anxiety, nothing is actually wrong even though it is hurting. Breathe. Just wrap up what you're doing and get home."
I wanted to scream while ripping off the mask and my glasses.
"Just get to the car, then you can pull it off. Just a little longer."
I nearly was crying by the time I got to the car and loaded it up with the mask still on. I managed to get in and get it off. I set my glasses on the seat next to me and took deep breaths while rubbing my jaw and neck.
There's an interlude I'm recording below the content warning, do not ever feel the need to read these. I'm writing them more for my own processing and healing.
Once I felt settled enough to make the mercifully short trip home I set off. I wondered if I could just leave everything but the weighted blanket and go crawl under it. By the time I got to the house I could process some of the stuff I'd bought. I remembered there was one thing requiring refrigeration!
Then I crawled under the weighted blanket and Bertie came to lay with me. I reminded my child self that I was coming on a "rescue mission" to release her from those memories, which was soothing to the trauma energy. I was able to half nap with Bertie until CK got done working. We figured out a really easy dinner for me to make each of us and had a night that helped me feel reconnected.
⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse⚠️
As I sat there settling down to drive home, I felt this sickening lurch of energy move almost sideways through me. I realized I had been experiencing a somatic flashback from age 6, the memory of being orally raped by my Mother's boyfriend. The incident was stopped by my having an asthma attack.
All the pain along my jaw and throat, this act. The back of the neck and head pain; his hand forcing my head to stay in place.
I couldn't breathe. He suffocated me in this act. I thought I was dying.
This is the next memory I'll get to in my trauma therapy. Today feels like a proximity alarm just went off. I've never had such a clear recollection of this horrible memory before today.
Historic Debate
We attempted watching the Vice Presidential debate this evening. We reached a point where listening was too much. Then it was too much with closed captioning and we played a game while I had a glass of wine.
I took the first of what will be many trips to Goodwill today. The last t-shirt from Open Source Bridge is gone! All those bins we ended up with are empty! That’s the last of the merchandise we ended up with.
Friday I’m picking up stuff from people, as well as more from us, to drop off at the drive for Join.
Obie has put weight on! He’s pretty content the past few days, which makes us feel happy. I’m still getting up early to give him food, but it's working.
Called Nespresso today, our machine is definitely a problem! A new one is already on its way to us! It was a very pleasant experience, especially after my nearly 3-hour hold with the Employment Division yesterday!
Forward Together
I slept terribly last night, waking up every couple of hours with anxiety. CK had really awful heartburn brought on by chili for dinner after a day of processing rage over SCOTUS news, which kept walking her up. It wasn’t a great night.
I thought about taking a big nap, but instead focused on getting through to the Employment Division. There was some Animal Crossing and I got the fancy Air Doctor purifier set up in the bedroom. It’s enormous, but it should help us both.
I keep picking up and losing the takeout menu for the place we used to go for conveyor belt sushi. I carefully asked CK what she wanted, went into the bedroom, called the restaurant, and promptly got the order wrong! She told me she thought she didn’t heard me order everything, but assumed she misheard.
Nope, I was just that tired!
Back at It
Today I got a new video made, uploaded, and sent out in a newsletter I wrote today! All that and I taught Yoga in Chairs. All this and I made is chili for dinner, put up the leftovers, and cleaned the kitchen.
I struggle ever feeling good about what I’ve done since there’s so much that needs doing. I’m always choosing what not to do, knowing it will stop need doing. I’d love to hire someone to come do a deep clean, but there’s COVID.
Today’s comic; in which we make a Jaw Yoga video.
Sundays with That Jerk
I've been tired all day long. I even took a nap after having breakfast, but still feel lousy. I had a hard time getting enough energy to do much productive.
While I know I'm supposed to rest, that it's necessary, but at the same time I feel like more work needs doing than I'll ever have energy to do anymore. So days where I'm not making the dinner I planned or busting out tasks feel like failure. Still.
I finally told CK that I was really grumpy and asked her to play some games with me for a little while. I also realized that I'd been having a headache for a while and took some ibuprofen.
This infuriated the Inner Jerk, who really felt I shouldn't be having fun. Talking to CK and playing some games, along with changing to what we call "school lunch dinner" (frozen things to the rescue), helped shrink the Jerk down small enough to show up in today's comic.
Art Break
Today instead of my usual yoga my art group met. Online, as we have been since April.
I played on an idea someone suggested making Day of the Dead altars. As a white woman with no real roots in Mexico I felt uncomfortable with this and pointed out that I felt it was problematic.
While this gave food for thought, it took away a project! So I offered something about the different ways ancestor veneration is part of so many cultures, compared to the USA, which is very death averse. I then talked about personal ancestors, plus the side note that you don't have to honor people who were terrible. Then a meditation, so still some yoga.
People created powerful pieces! I am still moved by it.
I made a comic of myself teaching today.
Wear a Fucking Mask
Welp, our President hosted a super-spreader event. More and more reports of people who attended the White House Rose Garden event where they announced the ghoul they want to replace RBG with. The world has reacted with mostly derision.
Then I watched, from the takeout window, from my car, a maskless, white woman inside explain her confusing order, repeat herself, then step to the side of the plexiglass to pay and exclaim how much she loves the food! She was also telling the staff person how she wanted to come in herself!
With no mask. Inside the building. She loves the food, but online ordering was too hard with her order and she wanted to just come herself!!!!
At the point, if you have a condition that precludes you from wearing a mask you shouldn't be going inside places! This woman said that she just bypassed the system to come in and out people at risk.
So, in honor of "COVID Catie", I made my second comic!
Drawtober Instead
I find most of the art challenges intimidating, especially ones that feature realistic drawing. With all the new supplies I've picked up, between a birthday shopping trip and from the Maido-in-a-Box sets, I thought I'd challenge myself. I even have a special box to pick up for this month.
Then I read about Alphonso Dunn and the way that Jake Parker used his ideas. Then trademarked the popular challenge this month, using that to sue other artists selling their collections of drawings based on his trademarked daily prompts.
I read all the alternate ideas and prompt lists, then I finally decided to create my first comic! I'm inspired by "Making Comics" by Lynda Barry, a gift from CK for my birthday.
CK is also going to draw each day. No prompts either, just whatever inspires her that day.
Here's Day 1. In which I am disappointed and decide to do my own thing or, A theme for my life.