Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.

Soothing to Avoid

At therapy today something that came up, likely brought on by the proximity to get birthday, about my Mother's inability to soothe herself.

I am often uncovering how I taught myself emotional regulation of a kind, like finding outlets for the anger I was not allowed to show. I also found ways to soothe myself beyond just venting the anger through physical exertion. Comforting myself when no one offered comfort that was safe or without strings attached.

I struggled to even call my Mother's use of shopping, romance novels, soap operas, gossip, food, and pills "self soothing".

My therapist noted that my Mother found these things soothing, bit perhaps the difference I was looking for was that she soothed to avoid being present or taking responsibility.

I soothed to comfort and encourage myself, to get rage out of my system since letting it be seen was dangerous. I soothed to compartmentalize, lock away incomprehensible horror so I could live.

Animal Crossing remains a favorite soothing past time, nearly a year into playing it! Ursa likes to "help" me play.

Tomorrow will be a long day with my respirator mask and airing out again after having someone in the house. We'll be doing this a while since it might be July before were BOTH vaccinated.

I'm firmly focusing the positives, knowing what we need to prioritize doing, and how much CK and have gone through since buying the house.