My Brain, the Jerk
I'm having an night where I feel like I didn't really accomplish much and that's why I couldn't easily think of a title for this post. I had a similar moment trying to figure out what to make my comic about.
It's false, I did a bunch today.
I did the usual morning stuff, plus fed Obie first at 5:40. I prepared and taught a Yoga of Freedom class, got us lunch, made art, played my game, read my book, put up some Autumn decorations, made tasty dinner, hung out with CK, made a comic.
A pretty full day. My Inner Jerk is at it again. Fatigue and anxiety are the most likely culprits of this mind state, I know that. Despite trying to rest, I feel more anxiety about it.
Tomorrow I'm going to make a point to spend some quality time in the hammock or under the weighted blanket. Maybe both! There will also be kitten planning since Ursa has had a growth spurt and will be coming home next week!
Basic Unemployment Benefits
I got home from physical therapy to find a letter from the State Employment Department letting me know if exhausted the basic State benefits. It has been months since I've worked, but still, the reality hits.
I'll look at the other benefits being offered. I feel even more urgency to finish the budget combined with dread at determining how much I need each month to pay for needs, therapy & floats, and some pleasures, art supply blind boxes mostly.
My physical therapist found that my lower back was likely the cause of hip pain that was causing me pain lying on my side! She also worked more on my jaw; we speculated that all the ringing in my ears and the infection might have kicked off the increased pain, leading to increased sensitivity, triggering somatic flashbacks. It's complicated, the body remembers what the brain could not process.
Voting and Other Acts of Self Care
Smoke cleared and just as my allergies recovered from that, Autumn arrived with its associated increase in mold allergens and all the tress are dropping leaves. I've had something of a permanent headache for several days to go with my increased sneezing.
Despite being exhausted, I've not been getting to be until nearly 1am most nights. I developed night owl tendencies in early childhood and they reassert dominance in my life pretty quickly and I've never been able to become an "early bird" kind of person.
I feel conflicted about napping during the day. The small, more legitimate concern, is that I'll throw off my ability to go to sleep later. The inaccurate, but larger worry is that I'm not getting enough done.
There's a long list of yard things that need doing. There's a long list of home repairs. There's the task of sorting and reducing stuff. There's paperwork to follow up on. There's stuff to mail out. There's day-to-day chores to keep the house pleasant. There's overdue chores we can't quite seem to get to.
All of that hangs there and I feel like I'm a terrible person for needing so much rest. Then it all burbles up at 2300 and I try to think of how many chores I can get done before my brain allows me to go to bed.
Which is why I finally took a nap for much of the afternoon. My headache felt better. The feeling of crushing dread was slightly reduced by laying under the weighted blanket for a couple of hours. I made us school lunch dinner with salads and homemade lemon tahini salad dressing, that was the fancy bit.
This meant I had the energy to sit down with CK tonight and vote. I love that we really sit down together and raise questions together, go read things and make sure we understand them together. She's even been making an estimate on the potential financial impact of any property tax related measures. I'll go drop them off in person tomorrow, despite it being early enough to mail them in.
Sinus Headaches
The weekend has featured sinus pain. I've been so tired too, it's making my ears ring as well. No boxing today, having my heart rate up sounds painful!
Magnolia Clear Sinus tea as my night cap. It helped me make dinner for us both earlier once I realized I had a terrible headache.
I'm working on sending out patches, a really big project. The ongoing efforts to destroy the USPS leave me worried about all the medications I worked so hard to get to mail order. I'm worried about the envelopes in sending this week,
I'm glad I'm taking off some birthday time. I feel so tired all the time.
Marketing Me
I was asked to join the roster of teachers for a 3-day online retreat. I was especially asked to offer a segment on Yoga Therapy for Chronic Pain. Given that's my life story, I'm excited to share this work.
I'm excited to create coursework and student materials. I'm not excited to market myself more than I'm already doing, but I'm doing it anyways.
COVID and trauma therapy were already enough for me to feel less than motivated to make social media posts daily. Then George Floyd was killed, righteous protests began, Portland became a scene of police brutality, and then federal agents showed up & it got even worse.
The feds have left. We're back to homegrown police violence so the protests are less intense.
So I guess I can get back to marketing myself. Yay.
Good News, Anxiety
I heard back from my doctor this morning in response to my letter. I have her permission to continue to explore Intuitive Eating and stop reading, and obsessing about, the saturated fat numbers on all food I consume.
I realized after reading her response that I'd be holding my breath with anxiety this whole time. I was giddy with relief as I started to teach, so I shared that and then did a meditation on the sensations of gratitude and relief in the body.
I've spent much of the day feeling anxious. Being seen, valued, and having my needs met in this way feels good, but also leaves me feeling unsettled. As though my brain can't distinguish between happy excitement and certain dread.
Tomorrow I'll practice really celebrating that I have more good happening with my health even if I've lousy genetics. I'm really grateful for our doctor.
What’s On My List?
Today was Trauma Therapy Tuesday and I shared my realization about the discussion I'm having internally, somatically every night (yesterday's post). I was explaining that adding the 1b) option that reminds me that I'm always allowed to rest, the idea that I need to have accomplished enough to rest is the wrong idea!
My therapist agreed this was interesting, and that calling myself on the wrong thinking of needing to earn my rest is good. Then she blew my mind by asking me, "Is sleep on your list?"
My jaw dropped for a moment, totally giving away the fact that it wasn't even remotely near my list of things I need to do each day.
She's suggested that my list needs to start with sleeping, resting well, then feeding myself, then meditation. Those things always on the list first, and only meditation if I'm feeling like I'm rested and it will do me well. She asked if these were on the list, especially the first two.
"What's first on your list?", she asked.
"Feeding CK. Then feeding the creatures." I also conceded that this has caused many meals where I don't actually have my main dish. I've been so focused on every other living being eating, that I forget myself.
I'm to work on my list.
Insomnia and Me
Every night I have 2 discussions with my Trauma Brain:
1a) I have completed enough tasks that I'm "allowed" to sleep.
1b) I'm always allowed to rest, 1a is wrong.
2) Sleeping is safe.
Yoga helps lots, I mediate or do some kind of physical practice. Often both.
Hot showers, just got out of one. Water is very helpful to me.
For many years I want aware of my fear of sleeping. Like many emotional states, I experienced the fear somatically. So much of my trauma is before cognitive integration was available to my brain, so I just don't feel right.
These days of pandemic and protests against police violence have made it harder to convince my body that I'm safe. When I feel less safe, my critical self spends a great deal of time telling me to go do the dishes, clean the floors, deal with the blackberries, catch up on email, finish the taxes, make a budget, defrost the freezer.....
And that's just taking a few seconds to transcribe my inner list of things I must do before resting, playing, creating art, etc.
In Which Everything Feels Catastrophic
I was going to write about how grounding teaching was today against the news that local police spent the night escalating violence. Again.
I was going to expand on the unintended art of a melted canister reflecting back how yesterday made me feel.
Then there was a small explosion in the neighborhood. The boom woke up CK. I saw the flash of it while working on my art journal. I investigated outside a little, but w we were left with the belief that some asshole must have set off a firework.
Until I came upstairs just before midnight to a terrible whine. I tensed at it and went through the house turning off fans, trying to trace it. As i got to the bathroom I saw flashing, amber lights.
Upon going outside with CK’s halal on I discovered power company workers with a bucket truck. I was able to discover the earlier explosion was a fuse going out, the part of the neighborhood across the street were without power!
This all woke up CK for the third time tonight. We’re both pretty wired, her brain got really worried hearing me leave the house with male voices and noise.
I’m struck at how quickly our brains expect the worse. 2020 keeps providing catastrophes, another seems plausible. I was expecting to find a car accident. I’m rather grateful to be wrong AND the explosion has been explained!
Taxes, Cops, and COVID
We've been trying to get caught up on our taxes and at the end of last year we'd got 2016 filled and paid.
Or so we thought.
Several years ago we both experienced identify theft around taxes. As a result, we have PINs issued each year and getting behind has meant they expired and we had to send in a paper copy.
Later this winter we received a letter stating we had to verify our identification before they can accept the paper copy. Then COVID happened and the offices closed up.
I’ve been trying off and on for a while. This morning I tired again.
I eventually got to someone after getting disconnected repeatedly on the number the letter said to call. I’d tired another number on a different letter saying we now have a credit.
I was ultimately told to try the number that says it’s having technical difficulties and disconnecting me. That our make an appointment to go in person in an office located in the Federal Building.
If it’s open. I should risk COVID exposure to enter a building that’s currently boarded up and surrounded by both federal and local cops dressed in riot gear.
I got a lot upset. Thankfully CK came upstairs to give me hugs and support.
There was freshly harvested salad for dinner, so that was good. I’m really grateful for the last two things.