Forward Together
I slept terribly last night, waking up every couple of hours with anxiety. CK had really awful heartburn brought on by chili for dinner after a day of processing rage over SCOTUS news, which kept walking her up. It wasn’t a great night.
I thought about taking a big nap, but instead focused on getting through to the Employment Division. There was some Animal Crossing and I got the fancy Air Doctor purifier set up in the bedroom. It’s enormous, but it should help us both.
I keep picking up and losing the takeout menu for the place we used to go for conveyor belt sushi. I carefully asked CK what she wanted, went into the bedroom, called the restaurant, and promptly got the order wrong! She told me she thought she didn’t heard me order everything, but assumed she misheard.
Nope, I was just that tired!
Back at It
Today I got a new video made, uploaded, and sent out in a newsletter I wrote today! All that and I taught Yoga in Chairs. All this and I made is chili for dinner, put up the leftovers, and cleaned the kitchen.
I struggle ever feeling good about what I’ve done since there’s so much that needs doing. I’m always choosing what not to do, knowing it will stop need doing. I’d love to hire someone to come do a deep clean, but there’s COVID.
Today’s comic; in which we make a Jaw Yoga video.
Sundays with That Jerk
I've been tired all day long. I even took a nap after having breakfast, but still feel lousy. I had a hard time getting enough energy to do much productive.
While I know I'm supposed to rest, that it's necessary, but at the same time I feel like more work needs doing than I'll ever have energy to do anymore. So days where I'm not making the dinner I planned or busting out tasks feel like failure. Still.
I finally told CK that I was really grumpy and asked her to play some games with me for a little while. I also realized that I'd been having a headache for a while and took some ibuprofen.
This infuriated the Inner Jerk, who really felt I shouldn't be having fun. Talking to CK and playing some games, along with changing to what we call "school lunch dinner" (frozen things to the rescue), helped shrink the Jerk down small enough to show up in today's comic.
Art Break
Today instead of my usual yoga my art group met. Online, as we have been since April.
I played on an idea someone suggested making Day of the Dead altars. As a white woman with no real roots in Mexico I felt uncomfortable with this and pointed out that I felt it was problematic.
While this gave food for thought, it took away a project! So I offered something about the different ways ancestor veneration is part of so many cultures, compared to the USA, which is very death averse. I then talked about personal ancestors, plus the side note that you don't have to honor people who were terrible. Then a meditation, so still some yoga.
People created powerful pieces! I am still moved by it.
I made a comic of myself teaching today.
Wear a Fucking Mask
Welp, our President hosted a super-spreader event. More and more reports of people who attended the White House Rose Garden event where they announced the ghoul they want to replace RBG with. The world has reacted with mostly derision.
Then I watched, from the takeout window, from my car, a maskless, white woman inside explain her confusing order, repeat herself, then step to the side of the plexiglass to pay and exclaim how much she loves the food! She was also telling the staff person how she wanted to come in herself!
With no mask. Inside the building. She loves the food, but online ordering was too hard with her order and she wanted to just come herself!!!!
At the point, if you have a condition that precludes you from wearing a mask you shouldn't be going inside places! This woman said that she just bypassed the system to come in and out people at risk.
So, in honor of "COVID Catie", I made my second comic!
WTF, Now WHAT!?
I wanted to write about finding out that Inktober was founded by a guy who plagiarized another artist's work, then trademarked it, then sued other artists who tried to sell collections using the drawings they created using his InktoberTM prompts! Something about appropriation and appreciation with art.
Or even that I finally got the 2016 taxes accepted by the IRS today. Or that I talked to Obie's vet about how to know it's time.
Then CK came running out of the bedroom as I was motivating myself to do the dishes to tell me that Trump and Melania have COVID.
My brain is spinning, "What the fuck? Now what?!"
I'm just flummoxed. Part of me wondered if it's "fake news", we've been lied to so repeatedly and egregiously by this administration. Then I'm worried he will die, then we get Pence and an election weeks away?!
How quickly do I need to start acting on getting stuff out of the house? What will happen?!
Will Biden get it? They were unmasked, indoors, during the fucking debate? What if Biden dies?!
Yeah, so that's my brain. I've already done the dishes and put in some laundry. I may very well do some handstands in a moment to see if that turns down the spin.
Oh and I'm having bourbon.
Fuck.
Stand By
We avoided watching the debates last night. We usually make a point of it, watching together over dinner and discussing. Not this year. Neither of us has any reserves of energy to give the spectacle that is Trump.
During the debate the President of the United States of America was asked to denounce racism. He refused. Not only that, he told the Proud Boys to "Stand back and stand by".
My therapist had been telling me that she didn't find the Proud Boys intimidating. They're too clueless and directionless, they only attack people who are alone, etc. I wonder what she's saying today with them being encouraged during the debate.
I'm increasingly worried about the election. A friend told me they feel hopeful. I don't get it. I don't think he'll stand down, I don't think all the power grabs are going away.
Worth Keeping Safe
Trauma Therapy Tuesday today. Skipped last session on account of the smoke. In person sessions are contingent upon the windows being open in my therapist's space. I realized that if she hadn't moved to this space, with windows all along the north side, I wouldn't be able to continue seeing her!
I don't like this work. It is sad and difficult to repeatedly confront instances from each year of my childhood where I felt worthless. At age 5 I felt so worthless that I didn't think I was important enough to be kept safe. This was the only explanation as to why my Mother left me with a violent caregiver that made sense my my brain.
Worthless.
That's the message again and again. Eventually it winds itself around the belief that I myself am just toxic, that's why people must leave.
The message I want to believe about myself at age 5 is that I'm valuable. I'm worth keeping safe.
It hit me during the processing today that CK setting things into motion for us to move is this huge, tangible demonstration of how valuable she finds me. I, we are so important that she's prepared to move us far away so we'll be safe. So if something happens to her I don't lose all my healthcare and support.
No one has ever done that for me before.
So Tired of Being Tired
Today I finally had a long nap in my hammock. I found a pillow that worked just right and slept for nearly an hour after lunch. It was awesome even I'd other plans.
I'm accepting that the work I did over the weekend was tiring on multiple levels and some days I need to nap without judgement. I didn't sleep well, having bedtime anxiety spike and waking around 4 from a nightmare where I was trying to hide.
Most everything leaves me feeling angry and sad these days. I'm trying to stay fully present to the bits that bring comfort, connection, and joy.
Bit by Bit
Today I loaded up all the clothes. CK sorted through her closets today as well, looking for cold weather gear. Between us there were a dozen paper bags for Join.
I reached out to friends and a couple of folks have got back to me that they will have stuff off the Needs List. I'm really glad I reached out!
If had a plan at the beginning of the year to have a fancy tea. I wanted to encourage each friend to take home the tea cup and saucer they'd picked to use. This would address the small collection from my Grandmother's very large collection.
Following Marie Kondo's konmari philosophy, the tea cups don't bring me a lot of joy. They are delightful, beautiful items, but they too painfully reveal my family to me. Giving them to friends would bring me joy, so I'm considering how to do a COVID reboot.