Cancel Thanksgiving
I forgot creamer when I went to the store to order CK's turkey. It felt like a failure.
I thought I'd run to another market, but CK said she'd rather I hold off making that trip until I need things next week for Thanksgiving next week.
Fred Meyer stores, Kroger, have the same careless, "Don't confront non-mask wearing customers" policy that lead me to stop shopping at Natural Grocers. It is so heartless to the employees and customers.
COVID rates hit a new record daily. People still want their fucking Thanksgiving.
I'm so angry I thought about screaming again but I haven't learned how to without losing my voice. I actually cried for a few minutes because I couldn't even think about making art.
After some art studio organization so I can set up the gift from a friend tomorrow, I felt able to make a comic about feeling so sad and angry today. I get 2 of 3 chores I myself done and told the Inner Jerk to, "Fuck Off!", because it isn't the end of the world if there's wrinkles in the laundry.
The kitten rides my shoulders! While folding laundry! He also flops into my hand or up against my body with tiny, happy squeaks, and goes to sleep.
I'm not sure how this will work if he grows into a big kitty, but it's pretty delightful now. Kittens definitely help the moments where I feel the losses of 2020 so keenly.
Postponing Joy
I have several articles of clothing I never wear at home. I put them on to leave. I avoid wearing them at home because they’d get dog or cat hair on them, would start to show wear, etc.
These are mostly things I wore to teach. Some things for fancy occasions. My “nice” clothes as opposed to my “play” clothes.
I started wearing a sweater I would wear while teaching to keep me warm at the end and between classes. It finally hit me that I really don’t need to save them, I don’t know when I’ll teach in person again, so I might as well enjoy my clothing now!
It’s made me wonder just how often, and in how many different ways, I postpone joy for dubious reasons. What undercurrent of shame believes I don’t deserve joy in the present moment?
It’s been a tough few weeks with my Shame Monster, “Whinnie”, telling me what a loser I am, what a drain on resources, etc. It’a exhausting, tedious, and driven by the election anxiety.
Maybe tomorrow will have hope.
I’m grateful for an unexpected urban ungulate feasting on windfall apples I saw when I took our leftover pumpkin curry over to AF’s.
Debate Nope
We gave the debate about 7 minutes. Apparently the muting was only on the first statement? We then turned on The Vow, a documentary about a cult turned multi-level marketing scheme with sex abuse and human trafficking.
Our ballots were accepted for counting today, we're definitely not undecided. Still, we usually watch the debates, it's what we have done together for several years.
It's just too horrible. There are too many people who want to believe what the GOP is saying is true. It doesn't matter that so much of what they say is demonstrably false, their voters want it to be true, so it is. There's no logic to it, no sense.
This has been feeding my existential dread today.
End of August
Obie has lost five pounds since January, it's not good. We also can't seem to get control of his vomiting so today her got in to our vet. His kidneys are small and he has a golf ball sized, but not density, in his abdomen.
They took blood samples and more will be known tomorrow when the results are in. We're really hoping for hyperthyroidism.
A good friend, who happens to be something of an expert on disaster prepared, started off the day noting that she felt it wouldn't be a bad idea to prepare for civil unrest in November after the election. Prepare to lose power in late Autumn, have food stocked up, first aid supplies and a radio.
It's left me feeling down today. Amazingly I recorded a video and sent out a newsletter, and people found it helpful. The patches I took to the post office have started to arrive and people liked them.
Trying to keep all that in mind and not the rest of it; it will be there in the morning.
Anger / Depression
When I realize I’m beating myself up I’m trying to pause and acknowledge my anger. Not validate that I’m being hard on myself, unreasonable, but that I’m experiencing anger.
I acknowledge there’s so much to be angry about right now, how helpless I feel, and how ineffectual my efforts seem. I remind myself that directing the anger inward doesn’t resolve it.
I’m trying to learn to integrate my anger. What a hard lesson this is for someone who was forbidden from showing anger.
Today I'm especially grateful for the surprise of art in the mail from a beloved friend. It helped a lot with today's anger. I'm inspired to send out mail tomorrow.
Never Enough
My core false brief about myself is that I'm not only worthless, but I'm proudly toxic to be exposed to for prolonged times. Through this same Childhood Logic, if I work hard enough, and I get enough tasks done each day, I'll be able to buffer people from my toxic nature and they'll stay.
When I read the phrase, "hustling for your worthiness", in one of Brené Brown's books, I recognized it immediately. It's the logic above.
I've watched this brief kill someone I loved. It nearly hospitalized me while alienating CK.
I'm doing better with out overall, but this weekend has been hard. I'm feeling guilty for not doing more.
I pretty much always n feel guilty for not doing more.
Bertie got into something that made him sneeze explosively for several minutes. He was rather worn out when it finally wore off. He knicked his gums a little, but that stopped bleeding quickly.
Anger Turned Inward
Today I taught my second Yoga of Freedom online classes and it went very well. I focused on there later John Lewis legacy and the moral obligation to speak up, to stand up.
For the rest of the day I was in a gray depression feeling like I'd done nothing right.
It isn't true. My art page for today even captures things I did in addition to teaching a difficult class. It's just how I feel.
In reality I'm angry about Federal cops in Portland. I'm angry about my racist family, not that there's anything to do about it besides process it. I'm angry people continue to politicize masks.
All that anger doesn't have anywhere to go, this is most likely the cause of today's blues.
Everybody Mask
Statewide mandate came out today that everyone, everywhere across Oregon must wear masks. There's a lot of anger. I'm sure there must be others, like us, who are relived.
Saw my doctor online today. We backed off the plan to begin tapering off my antidepressant medication. 2020 is not the year to change that since I'm having days where it feels physically difficult to move.
Aside from bouts of depression and anxiety in response to the times were living in, my mental health feels better. My health is better than it has been in a long while; sheltering in place has curative powers.
Cleaning Up
Today began when Obie woke me up at 6:14. That was after a chilly night because I’d discovered our elder dog had peed on our bed and stripped off all the blankets at 2:20.
I got a lot of chores done today after yesterday’s gardening efforts. I have many moments where I feel like such a failure when it comes to the house. We’re getting better, but it still feels terrible sometimes and I really dislike not being able to physically push myself to go all out.
There’s Sunday lull in the death rate from COVID, only 504 since Saturday. We’re well over 125,000 people who have died, over 2.5 million infected, and so many Republicans are still fighting to get get rid of the Affordable Care Act.
Common Good
I ventured out to find a propane tank exchange today after running out Wednesday. I ended up at the local Lowe’s.
After paying inside, where I was relieved to see people wearing masks and adhering to Governor Kate Brown’s mandate, I picked up my 2 tanks and headed to our car.
Some middle-aged, beefy, white men had parked an enormous pickup truck next to me. Seeing me with my mask on, the driver of the truck said this loudly while staring at me.
“Let me grab a mask. We're in one of those counties where that bitch says we have to wear 'em."
I found myself wanting to scream at them about the casual misogyny and blatant disregard for other people. I didn’t have the resources left to do anything other than take care to get home safely.