Heavy
I realized that I often am experiencing my depression as a somatic effect. Not surprising, given how much I do that with other emotions. It wasn't safe for me to express a range of emotions in my family.
Yesterday I felt so down that it felt physically difficult, even painful to move my body. Trying to focus to make art left me wanting to cry and I had to give up on doing all the dishes. I felt so useless.
Today I taught a subdued class, no kirtan. I made us each chili and a fresh fruit crisp with all the over ripe produce! All that helped, I feel more grounded even if its almost 1am.
I stayed up to do the dishes and take a hot shower. Lost power as I was soaping, conditioner in my hair! Total darkness and shower for a disconcerting moment. It came back on quickly, thank goodness, but off long enough to reset the dishwasher and a free clocks.
Distracting White Women
Today was a day where I felt tired all day. A nap didn't lift my energy or spirits. I've felt sad at the edges all day long.
I'm noodling over the conversation I had yesterday with my friendly peer. Part of this is anxiety, the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is really bothered by telling someone they're using racist language.
I'm angry at all the misinformation she kept sharing. Especially correlating COVID infections rising with protestors, I called her on that too, pulling her to the facts about incubation. Her pulling out some 17% tie to a First Nations community!!
I'm thinking how I need to take care of myself when I'm confronting racism like this with peers. If it means I'm angry for a day as I integrate it all, I just need to plan for that energy shift.
Irritation
I’m tired and my pain has been higher, tonight everything feels too irritating to do for more than a moment. Reading. Standing. Playing my game.
Usually I can push through being tired and in pain and do the dishes. Folding laundry is a soothing task usually, good to ground me at bedtime. Tonight I want to throw things, only it’s too much effort.
My pain has slowly improved, but tonight I’m exhausted by it and feel pathetic, mostly worthless. I know logically this isn’t true, but increased physical pain exacerbates mental pain and hater I am tonight.
Tomorrow I’m teaching art online again despite feeling uncertain.
Heavy
At this mourning’s yoga class we talked about depression, how heavy and slow people are feeling. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn’t ask it this way, but I suspect there’s a heaviness spiritually as well, for folks who resonate in that way.
I shared how hard things are. I feel like I’m wading through tar to try and do anything. It isn’t that I can’t write emails back or do the dishes, or just takes so much effort to get there.
This is normal. This heavy fugue state that hangs over the world is not an indicator that something is wrong with you, exactly. Something is wrong with the world. It’s the trauma of these times.
Pride
I have a hard time feeling proud of my accomplishments. I'm sure it's part of the deep feeling that I'm not worthy of care, but in the case of teaching related accomplishments it really hits hard.
I could be happy about bonuses and raises when I was in the tech industry. There were trackable evidence that I worked my ass off. This monetary reward for good behavior didn't flip me into shame and misery.
Teaching though, humans telling me that what I'm doing is life changing is hard. Hardest still, people giving me money and wanting to support me. It creates cognitive dissonance between the evidence of my value and worth against the message that I’m not worthy of care or protection, my needs are potentially dangerous, and my opinions are subject to derision.
In Retrospect
After feeling so terrible yesterday I had some insights I’m still integrating.
Trauma Brain "works" according to Childhood Logic. Here is what seems to happen:
Students send me beautiful notes and donations for teaching online and keeping community going. Related: contribute money for my training.
I meltdown in anxiety, shame, despair, and feeling like I’m a failure and a terrible person until I'm nauseous, can't eat, & get weepy.
Further compounding the misery, I can’t ask for help. Trauma Brain is constantly reminding me that asking for what I need is A) Dangerous physically or mentally or both, B) No One Will Help, because C) You’re not worthy of having you needs met.
And then comes despair.
Today was better. I discovered a great photo I got of a bee butt in the garden and I did a hard thing successfully, I even felt successful!
Terrible Tuesday
Today felt hard.
It didn't matter that I taught and it made people feel better. They sent me money and I began worrying; will I have to give back unemployment because people give me $2.50 a class?
Food felt hard and then I burned my dinner and CK's was dry.
I felt so weepy and despairing. I'm less so now, now I just feel angry.
It wasn't even like I read or watched any news. I didn't do any errands. No anniversaries that trip me up. Nothing other than living during a pandemic with a Federal government that keeps gaslighting us while behaving creully.
Same Old Rage
I felt tired today and finally took a nap after lunch. We played video games, each our own, we attempted to repair the greenhouse, and I did laundry.
I feel like I need to write something insightful. That's how I get stalled blogging. No poems, no idea what to say. A title totally stumps me.
I'm tired, my head hurts, I am deeply sad, I'm furious. I'm hurting, and very angry for my child self. I’m afraid for the world, for us. I’m sad CK won’t get an amazing 40th birthday like I had.
Out front yard still needs weed whacking, we so beyond mowing. The moments we’re all ready to do it, it starts pouring rain.
We’re getting better at working together again. We’re getting caught up. I never feel like I do enough.
Raindrops on plants in the garden have me joy today.
Despair and Roses
Rounds of yardwork, laundry, and bouts of despair; there it was, raw despair about pretty much everything. Set off by trying to sort out our dinner, but truly not related.
We've not eaten a meal out our take away in over six weeks. This may be the longest I've ever done since I was a child and Mom and I lived on food stamps in low income apartments. Not counting free meals at school.
My Mother liked eating out. Liked fast food, convenience foods. After marrying my stepdad this was all more accessible and became part of every week.
It is so hard when at times neither of us wants to eat and we need to. This is an area that's especially hard for CK, her medications exacerbate her sensitivity about certain foods/textures and that's all aside from gluten intolerance.
Usually it isn't too hard. Today though; despair for a few minutes.
And then there are these roses making our back yard smell glorious. I'm so grateful for this and the gardening I could do today, plus all they laundry done!
Sunlight on roses.
Warm, heady scent fills the air.
Linger this moment.
Weight of Memories
Today felt hard.
I spent much of the morning arguing with my Mother's bullshit that decided to play on my head. Connecting with students lightened my mood a little, but I spent the rest of the day feeling exhausted.
I felt shame. The nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my time off from commuting. That we have it relatively easy and safe, but I'm weighed down by memories and the dread of the coronavirus.
Every other day I've noted the USA death toll on this month's art journal signature. I take the number from the CDC website. Today it me know that across two days nearly 5,500 people have died.
Still, there was the rain falling and Camillia flowers that drop off so perfectly before they decay. I spent some time under the eaves admiring them in the damp.
Spring rain hangs heavy.
Raindrops on fallen flowers.
Weight of memories.