Voting and Other Acts of Self Care
Smoke cleared and just as my allergies recovered from that, Autumn arrived with its associated increase in mold allergens and all the tress are dropping leaves. I've had something of a permanent headache for several days to go with my increased sneezing.
Despite being exhausted, I've not been getting to be until nearly 1am most nights. I developed night owl tendencies in early childhood and they reassert dominance in my life pretty quickly and I've never been able to become an "early bird" kind of person.
I feel conflicted about napping during the day. The small, more legitimate concern, is that I'll throw off my ability to go to sleep later. The inaccurate, but larger worry is that I'm not getting enough done.
There's a long list of yard things that need doing. There's a long list of home repairs. There's the task of sorting and reducing stuff. There's paperwork to follow up on. There's stuff to mail out. There's day-to-day chores to keep the house pleasant. There's overdue chores we can't quite seem to get to.
All of that hangs there and I feel like I'm a terrible person for needing so much rest. Then it all burbles up at 2300 and I try to think of how many chores I can get done before my brain allows me to go to bed.
Which is why I finally took a nap for much of the afternoon. My headache felt better. The feeling of crushing dread was slightly reduced by laying under the weighted blanket for a couple of hours. I made us school lunch dinner with salads and homemade lemon tahini salad dressing, that was the fancy bit.
This meant I had the energy to sit down with CK tonight and vote. I love that we really sit down together and raise questions together, go read things and make sure we understand them together. She's even been making an estimate on the potential financial impact of any property tax related measures. I'll go drop them off in person tomorrow, despite it being early enough to mail them in.
Holding Space
This morning, when I asked my yoga class if anyone had a gratitude or a celebration to share, a student responded, "I have a sadness to share."
She then shared that she's not seen her granddaughter since last Thanksgiving. She is coming to realize that she will be alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.
I offered to set up times for my students to use Zoom, and facilitate, a discussion about "Reimagining the Holidays". People can share ideas on how to still have meaningful connection, particularly with winter coming.
More importantly, I'm going to start holding a Yoga for Grief session. Not sure if this will be monthly or bi-monthly, but it's apparent there is a need for this. I have been sending people to my teacher, who's been offering work on grief for a while now, but this is one of those times where I finally realize that my students want me to hold the space for them. They know me, they are more comfortable being in these vulnerable places with me.
It was hard this morning, then regrouping everyone back to Yoga in Chairs. I realize how much of what I do is holding space. More and more, the biggest part of my work is holding the space and making it safe for people to be vulnerable together.
In semi-related news, my voice is still mostly gone and I couldn't lead chanting today. I must remember to only scream cathartically for a minute or two, not five. No matter how good it feels.
It occurs to me that "a good scream" is my version of "having a good cry". Crying ends up with me so congested I can't breath and my head is pounding. It never feels like a good release. That's even without getting into all the assorted trauma I have around being punished for crying.
However, a good scream, that I can get behind! It really does feel cathartic and cleansing. I just need to find a way to do it without losing my voice since I really need it for the holding space thing!
Comic tomorrow, forgot to photograph it again.
Social
Today CK and I had a short visit with friends and a slightly longer visit with our friend who is fostering kittens. It was the first time CK has left the house to see people socially since March.
She is also smitten with the kittens. She feels it's hard to resist getting two tabby brothers, but we'll stick with the one that already flopped on me.
Amidst all the sadness and anger, I'm grateful for a sunny afternoon with kittens.
Making Time
Today a friend reached out to share the news that her Father had died. It wasn't expected news, but as he's been having a series of health issues for several months, and he was in his 90s, it isn't entirely unexpected.
The thing about loss is that it doesn't matter if it was expected or not, it's still grief. Our grief to integrate, or not.
I was grateful to have very little planned today that couldn't be done later. This meant I was available for a phone call. Then after completing the short errand I'd planned, I was able to join my friend for a chestnut foraging trip over to SE Portland.
We all wore masks and I took our car. Our first stop, the planned stop, was a bust, but we got a tip from another friend and headed over near Laurelhurst Park where we all found several.
Before leaving CK started to tell me to give our friend an extra hug. Then grimaced, because COVID has made that not safe.
I recall working with someone during my internship, they had recently lost their husband of many years and I was offering gentle, passive yoga movement. At then end, as my hands rested over her shoulders lightly, she covered my hands with her own and said to me, "Grief craves touch."
As I talk with people about grief in these times I'm so struck by this loss of touch. It leaves me grateful to find ways to connect outside and socially distant, which at least answers some of the need of connection grief seems to want.
Safe to Feel
I received one of those compliments that leaves me bemused and wondering.
In yoga class today we acknowledged the anger, the rage we’re feeling. I stressed that anger is a valid response to an unjust world. I shared what I learned about anger from acupuncture; it’s the energy of spring, the power of the shot to break the shell of the seed.
We acknowledged the way women are taught to stuff down our rage lest we be labeled, “an angry woman”. How much shame comes up around anger.
I was humbled to hear that they are so grateful I have created a safe space for them to feel and express their anger!
I’m someone who feels fearful and ashamed of my anger, but I’m trying to embrace it now. I’m learning to pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.
Obie made a guest appearance today. He’s been very social and extra hungry today.
Worth Keeping Safe
Trauma Therapy Tuesday today. Skipped last session on account of the smoke. In person sessions are contingent upon the windows being open in my therapist's space. I realized that if she hadn't moved to this space, with windows all along the north side, I wouldn't be able to continue seeing her!
I don't like this work. It is sad and difficult to repeatedly confront instances from each year of my childhood where I felt worthless. At age 5 I felt so worthless that I didn't think I was important enough to be kept safe. This was the only explanation as to why my Mother left me with a violent caregiver that made sense my my brain.
Worthless.
That's the message again and again. Eventually it winds itself around the belief that I myself am just toxic, that's why people must leave.
The message I want to believe about myself at age 5 is that I'm valuable. I'm worth keeping safe.
It hit me during the processing today that CK setting things into motion for us to move is this huge, tangible demonstration of how valuable she finds me. I, we are so important that she's prepared to move us far away so we'll be safe. So if something happens to her I don't lose all my healthcare and support.
No one has ever done that for me before.
Joy, Amidst the Sorrow
CK received a commendation and small monetary reward for giving a presentation to another team. Then she received another significant bonus for the great year she and her team have had. All that and she loves her job!
I'm really proud of her. Doing good work this year takes so much more effort.
I'm also really grateful she has a job that truly values and celebrates her for who she is. It's such a refreshing change.
I managed to get several tasks done around the house and on my computer. All that despite sleeping poorly.
I've decided to stop judging myself for my insomnia. It's just what this time is. I had planned to teach a workshop on the Yoga of Sleep this year. Somehow struggling with insomnia again feels like failure. Like I'm a fraud because my tools aren't working for me right now.
Obie vs. Pills
Obie got his first pill Thursday night, the over that's to help him stop vomiting. It was a pretty easy experience.
This morning I attempted the first steroid dose this morning. They are bitter and it didn't go smoothly. I got it in him, booty he also scratched me and drew blood in 6-7 places!
Bless AF who saw my tweets and offered up interim gel capsules to put bitter pills into and a pill popper tool. I choose to combine both his second doses of steroid and stomach pills into one capsule. Rather than give him 3 pulls daily.
I also wrapped him up. He still managed to bite me, no short sleeves for this job, but I got the pill into him more quickly.
We'll see how he does with the whole procedure and if the medication helps. The stomach one we're hopeful about, her hasn't thrown up in a few days.
Surprises
An unexpected package arrived for me today containing a gift arranged for me by my friend and teacher. Given how low with anger and grief I've felt this week, this was such a ray of light.
I was reminded of the studies on gratitude and how surprises, like this today, are more nourishing, as it were. It's good for us to really reflect on them, as many details as we can recall about the event brought into the memory.
This weekend I'm going to sit with CK and makea list of Things That Need Doing Before the Election. I've already started thinking about some food things, what to restock from early spring.
I'm also just moving forward with teaching. I'm making more space for people to talk about how they're doing, it's so isolating and, as one student put it, "There's no ended in sight!"
Shopping Joy
It's already my birthday because I am, once again, up well past midnight. Pandemic Night Owl, that's for sure. I did decide I'd sleep better after a shower and that I wanted to wake up to a clean kitchen. These are often reasons I'm up late.
I spent some money frivolously today. I'd ordered a Japanese stationery blind box last month and it arrived just in time for my birthday. The website kept autocorrecting my home address, giving it the wrong zip code, so I opted to pick my box up in person at the downtown Kinokuniya Bookstore. I'd still not visited and this seemed like the perfect match up.
CK even suggested I get blind box toys for myself for my birthday since she hadn't thought to order any and doesn't go out anymore.
Side note; such a safe shopping experience! They check your temperature when you come in, as you're cleaning your hands off with a squirt of hand sanitizer they give you upon coming into the foyer of the store! No one messing around with a partial mask either! That alone made me delighted to spend an hour wandering around!
I also got art supplies for myself; cool dot pens and a tiny alphabet stamp set. I found some gifts for friends, I'm planning to mail some things out soon to people to lift their spirits.
My Mother really shopped for comfort and had truly boggling quantities of clothing, nicknacks, and all kinds of personal care products. There were other things too, bought and hoarded but never really enjoyed.
Retail Therapy is such an accepted thing, but it has certainly got me into trouble in my 20s and 30s. Our capitalist society is all of putting holidays and furniture on credit. I try not to fall for it anymore, it really doesn't help and things don't always give me the kind of joy I'm needing.
Today though, it was a frivolous spend and a bit of money. I've already been playing with the dot pens in my art journal and had a blast opening up all the blind box toys. The Maido-in-a-Box was so worth it, I was hesitant about the next one as the theme is ink and calligraphy. This one, "Back to School", is so thoughtfully done that I'm inclined to get it. I also remembered that lettering is something I want to improve on.