A Collection of Calendars + Shame
We slept in this morning. I'm really grateful we aren't awakened daily at 6am by an anxious cat who never could soothe himself. Ursa mews when he hears us up and starting to move, but not earlier.
Despite the late start I felt like I'd nod off just about every time I sat down. COVID times have me feeling so weary and emotional.
I got this fancy desk calendar in this month's art blind box, Maido-in-Box, and I'm undecided about using it. It is undated, so I can start using it whenever I feel like and go forward from whatever Day One is. I can decide without a clock ticking.
I'm undecided because I stopped using paper calendars a while ago. They were heavy and added to the weight in my bag. This one is designed to be more of a journal than a date book, it has a section just for tracking habits, and pages it suggests for sketches.
Since I have already begun two art projects for the year, including my handmade journal each month, I worry that I don't need another daily thing I'm trying to do. Adding these posts is also something I added in the past year.
Then again, I'm creating a whole new life again. Maybe a journal that helps direct my goals and projects as a hausfraü might be really valuable!
Since I'm having such a mixed reaction to the book, and feel like the box had a real miss to it, I'm feeling guilty about buying it. I splurged on the deluxe box and the fancy calendar journal was a big part of the extra cost.
It also came with an adorable, playing cards sized calendar. I bought myself a desktop calendar for Christmas. Then I ordered one from an artist online, which already felt overindulgent. Now having a tiny desk calendar and this journal thingy arrive adds to my sense of overspending!
Hoping Machine
Woody Guthrie used the phrase "Hoping Machine" in his lyrics and his resolutions. We, our hearts, are those machines.
I'm reminding myself of this because my heart feels heavy and my chest tight. My hoping machine feels slow and quiet. A bunch of chores and a couple of errands done helps me feel more settled, plus CK and the creatures.
I feel like the weekend was suspiciously quiet likewise demonstrations that happened today. The usual white people inappropriately quoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Are we in the eye of the hurricane?
I picked up groceries today, getting more tomorrow in addition to therapy. Yet more as the week progresses.
Unless there's civil unrest, then we'll deal with all the things I've already stocked up.
Too Tired to Think
I want to write about what's been kicking around my head since therapy last week, learning how to focus on working for myself as opposed to always seeing myself as working against my family.
It has to do with how I'm feeling nearly 18 years after deciding to work on my heart health. Pushing against the examples in my family of origin and doing what's nearly impossible; losing over 130 pounds and lowering my cholesterol without medication.
Anyway, I have to go back to that sometime. Since the coup attempt last week it's been hard to make my brain sort out my thoughts.
My brain is focused on what should be restocked in the event there is civil unrest next week.
It's exhausting.
The kitten, who is nearly cat sized, helps us both. He and Bertie played wildly together this evening, making us both laugh.
What Fresh Hell
Today began with seeing a post from my teacher sharing that she had COVID.
Then a friend shared that her Dad died Monday from cancer. Alone at the hospital because of COVID.
T* was impeached again.
I finished my clean up of the utility room. The floor could use mopping, multiple passes, but it's been swept well and looks much better. I hauled a big bag of trash from the basement out to the bin and another from the garage. I also got a big stack of cardboard out for recycling too.
I mostly avoided news until the evening, when CK and I could partake, discuss, and integrate together. Cleaning took most of the afternoon and I managed a little work on budget stuff.
Then I found out my closest college friend woke up with a fever, cough, and chills. She's professional caregiver and just received word about her vaccination. She's awaiting results from a COVID test and isolating in her home, away from her family.
Riding the Self-Criticism Bus
I'm tired today and although my class went well, I took care of all animal control tasks, answered a few messages, and made dinner, my critical inner self hasn't felt like I'm doing well enough.
I pointed out to her that I also cleaned up the dishes, loaded the dishwasher, and swept the kitchen.
Nope. Big list of what I didn't do.
It didn't help that I saw a post from my teacher sharing that she has COVID.
CK came back from vacation to a big change at work.
The inauguration is in a week. I'm wondering what I should do to prepare for worse chaos. I've been stocking up on a lot of things, tomorrow I'll scan the inventory and see what needs to be replaced.
Coup Hangover
A student told me how grateful she was that I taught today. Others shared her sentiment, saying that my class brings some balance and normalcy during these riotous, pandemic days.
It feels so good to know that I'm helping people, but it's also fatiguing to create this for people.
It's estimated that 4000 people died from COVID today.
Trump is still in office despite having provoked a coup attempt.
I lightly bumped my left hip at the market, but I hit a tender point! My body reacted with intense pain that's still lingering, several hours and ibuprofen later. Thankfully I have PT tomorrow, so that tender point will get attention.
I picked up fresh rose water while at the market so I'll be experimenting with my coup cocktail again soon.
Ending Hard
Tomorrow I'm going to run errands that involve delicious food for us for a few days. There will be at least one instance of standing in line outside in the rain. Maybe I'll reach out to friends to have a happy hour Zoom.
The end of 2020 is here and I can't say that I'm hopeful about the new year. The accumulation of the headlines this week, the pictures of people screaming for the freedom to not wear a fucking mask as thousands more die.
The reality was hitting me hard today. Umm going to hit the anniversary of not teaching online in just about 10 weeks. March 13, 2020; nearly a year.
The new normal isn't great and I'm afraid it's going to get worse when the election isn't certified in a timely fashion.
Kindness is a Warm Blanket
I made it out of the house with all my things, even though I tried to leave in my slippers!
I got to OHSU South Waterfront, where the diagnostics lab is, and got myself checked in.
There were a lot of kindnesses that helped so much.
The staff folks checking me in were very sympathetic and understanding of my anxiety about risk. They had me wait separate from the open atrium waiting area so there wasn't anyone coming by me.
It was a bit of a wait.
Being inside a closed up medical building waiting for a procedure is a whole new level of anxiety.
Once in I was delighted to find out that the scan used a CT, so I could wear my high-protective mask, didn't have to worry about my nose/ear piercings, and I even got to keep my bra on since it didn't have underwires! I kept on my tank top too since the electrodes could be placed around and under my clothing!
The very tall, kind man, Brandon, who conducted the test got a pillow to support my legs so my back was comfortable. He also brought me a warm blanket, which helped my anxiety hugely!
I told him I have Complex PTSD, he'd not heard of it before. I noted that for me it's due in large part to developmental trauma.
"My Mother had a personality disorder.", I said.
I've come to find that telling people that just lets them know enough to realize that I've survived some terrible stuff. Usually no one asks more, which is fine.
Brandon nodded, "Yeah, I hear you. That's too bad. You just let me know if you need anything else to make this easier."
Then three electrodes and lying still and breathing when the machine told me to. About five minutes.
We chatted a little at the end about why I was there. He laughed, "You mean you're here because you're being proactive about your heart health?!"
I said that was about it. I was keeping ahead of my family's genetic issues, where possible.
He told me he was proud of me and that he wished there were more patients like me.
That was pretty awesome!
Now I wait to hear from my doctor about the results.
Carotid Calcium
I have a heart test at OHSU at 8am to measure the possible calcium deposite carotid artery. I was convinced to come in after being reassured that this lab is really safe and not where sick people go.
The test was ordered by my doctor last spring. She's continuing to assess risk to my heart health since my cholesterol popped up after menopause. Her hunch is that I'm genetically predisposed to high cholesterol and the results of this test will either reassure me or we'll discuss what to consider.
I've been taking a red rice yeast compound that's a precursor to statins. I've not noticed significant pain with adding it. After the first of the year she'll test my blood again to see if it's having a positive result.
COVID makes everything harder. I'm going to do my layered masks. I'm worried I'll need to remove piercing jewelry from my nose and ear; awkward to do with masks! I'll call before I go up and check, I'll bring my jewelry pliers set.
EKG pads on my chest; minimally invasive but I'm still feeling icky about being touched. Might bring my weighted blanket.
COVID Christmas
Spending Christmas day with just the 2 of us isn't unusual, but this year there was the additional weight of watching the totals of cases & deaths versus the totals of daily air travel.
Between the 22nd and 24th over 6500 people died.
The CDC took today off from giving data.
Merry Christmas.
I wanted to have energy to play games all day, instead I slept very poorly and drug myself through to 3:45, then napped for an hour. Even with a nap, I still felt out of sorts and exhausted. Feeling like on Christmas felt like I was letting the day down.
Tomorrow I'll hopefully feel better and will deliver gifts.