Anger Turned Inward
Today I taught my second Yoga of Freedom online classes and it went very well. I focused on there later John Lewis legacy and the moral obligation to speak up, to stand up.
For the rest of the day I was in a gray depression feeling like I'd done nothing right.
It isn't true. My art page for today even captures things I did in addition to teaching a difficult class. It's just how I feel.
In reality I'm angry about Federal cops in Portland. I'm angry about my racist family, not that there's anything to do about it besides process it. I'm angry people continue to politicize masks.
All that anger doesn't have anywhere to go, this is most likely the cause of today's blues.
Don’t Look Away
Tonight I head to bed grateful that more journalists after paying attention you what is happening here.
I was up until nearly 2am, unable to wind down.
I've had memories of protesting in the 90s brought up. So many memories of my terrible family. I was seen in TV in a news clip and took so much heat.
I'm grateful for a soccer game victory dance with Bertie
Lies from Invaders
The head of the Department of Homeland Security arrived uninvited in my city today. He says my city is under siege from anarchists.
He lies.
Local police continue to lie.
Federal cops are grabbing protestors off the street.
I’m so angry. I’m so afraid for my city. I the police defunded and demilitarized. I want the Feds out.
COVID dog checkup today. Sitting out in the car, waiting to hear.
How are people without cars supposed to do this?
The dogs are in excellent health. Bertie is an especially healthy English Bulldog, a poster dog. He let me stick borage flowers on his face. I’m so grateful.
Goodbye Yoga Props
When I got my teaching certificate I had a dream of becoming a "yoga studio on demand". I could show up anywhere within driving distance and set up a class with props for 10.
After leaving tech I expanded my inventory. I made a capital investment to purchase bolsters, two types, and more straps. More I could offer Restorative Yoga anywhere.
For a while it was great. I rented dance studios and made them yoga studios for small classes. When those dwindled to the point I was paying to put them on and no one would show up, I stopped.
They props lived in the van, four large Rubbermaid cases and one big suitcase to hold them all, until we needed it. Then they moved to the garage.
Now there's COVID. I won't be teaching in person anywhere for a long time. The props were taking up space now.
Today I sold them a huge discount to the Om Thrive Foundation. The Foundation supports survivors of domestic violence and was created by an amazing Black woman, Day Bibb. The bolsters, blocks, and blankets will be packaged up to be delivered to participants in the program.
I was so happy dropping them off today that I nearly cried.
Getting straps, which can be triggering to domestic abuse survivors (I absolute get this), to students and friends. Ditto for mats.
In Which Everything Feels Catastrophic
I was going to write about how grounding teaching was today against the news that local police spent the night escalating violence. Again.
I was going to expand on the unintended art of a melted canister reflecting back how yesterday made me feel.
Then there was a small explosion in the neighborhood. The boom woke up CK. I saw the flash of it while working on my art journal. I investigated outside a little, but w we were left with the belief that some asshole must have set off a firework.
Until I came upstairs just before midnight to a terrible whine. I tensed at it and went through the house turning off fans, trying to trace it. As i got to the bathroom I saw flashing, amber lights.
Upon going outside with CK’s halal on I discovered power company workers with a bucket truck. I was able to discover the earlier explosion was a fuse going out, the part of the neighborhood across the street were without power!
This all woke up CK for the third time tonight. We’re both pretty wired, her brain got really worried hearing me leave the house with male voices and noise.
I’m struck at how quickly our brains expect the worse. 2020 keeps providing catastrophes, another seems plausible. I was expecting to find a car accident. I’m rather grateful to be wrong AND the explosion has been explained!
Taxes, Cops, and COVID
We've been trying to get caught up on our taxes and at the end of last year we'd got 2016 filled and paid.
Or so we thought.
Several years ago we both experienced identify theft around taxes. As a result, we have PINs issued each year and getting behind has meant they expired and we had to send in a paper copy.
Later this winter we received a letter stating we had to verify our identification before they can accept the paper copy. Then COVID happened and the offices closed up.
I’ve been trying off and on for a while. This morning I tired again.
I eventually got to someone after getting disconnected repeatedly on the number the letter said to call. I’d tired another number on a different letter saying we now have a credit.
I was ultimately told to try the number that says it’s having technical difficulties and disconnecting me. That our make an appointment to go in person in an office located in the Federal Building.
If it’s open. I should risk COVID exposure to enter a building that’s currently boarded up and surrounded by both federal and local cops dressed in riot gear.
I got a lot upset. Thankfully CK came upstairs to give me hugs and support.
There was freshly harvested salad for dinner, so that was good. I’m really grateful for the last two things.
Koans and Other Tools
I had a lot of moments of just staring off at nothing today.
I read something about American passports, which once were a guarantee of access, are nearly useless now. We're a plague state. I felt trapped here and was grateful when I shared this fear with CK that sure took me seriously.
I'm grateful for all the times she takes me seriously. I have been told so often that I'm overreacting or being too dramatic. All that was gaslighting, but I'm still so grateful when I'm not dismissed.
The federal cops are in Portland because the President sent them. Local cops hasn't already sufficiently brutalized there population.
I thought about the koan about chopping wood and carrying water. Before and after enlightenment, same thing.
Chop wood, carry water.
Making meals, folding laundry, pulling weeds, washing dishes. Just do the tasks that need doing.
Police vs. Portland
Our local cops gave a no-confidence in the City commissioners, saying, "Someone had to protect Portland."
We have federal cops launching tear gas and non-lethal (less lethal?) at protestors and arresting both protestors and journalists.
We keep telling the police what we want and all they do is escalate. Now with the support of the feds. I'm sickened.
I had a wave of shakes and a little nausea earlier, soon after looking at photos and video is my beloved city and the protestors standing up the cops. My hands shook so much, I felt shaky all over, and I ended up laying on the sofa for a few minutes with the dogs.
Trauma news on top of take-away sushi and tempura was a little rich and intense for my system.
Our Bee Balm is pretty glorious right now. I'm grateful.
Anger and Shame
Today we had a surreal experience. Our doctor drew blood from each of us from the car, with our arm stuck out the window.
A whole bunch of tests for CK and a more extensive lipids panel for me since my cholesterol was a little high this past winter.
I'm trying hard not to obsess over it.
On the drive home I told CK about getting stuck in my anger at my peer. She's had her own "nemesis" experiences, so she really gets it.
When I shared how I'm feeling a lot of shame because it's anger about yoga stuff, she said the best thing.
"Never be ashamed of your anger!"
I was floored and got all weepy and needed hugs.
My session this week looked at how I learned very quickly to compartmentalize unacceptable emotions. Anger was near the to of the list of emotions I was forbidden from expressing. When I feel angry, I always feel shame.
She then suggested I have a more restful day, that it was OK to rest today and play video games even if I want to do that tomorrow too.
Integrity Between Peers
I have a peer I've struggled with for five years. We're very close in age and level of training, they've taken more than I have at this point.
They never can wholeheartedly compliment accomplishments of mine. I've introduced them to a professional marketing group that's running an online yoga therapy conference. I submitted two talks, versions of the ones I was accepted to give at two different conferences that were to have happened this year.
I haven't been accepted, but my peer apparently has and it's really irritating me. I introduced her to this and the idea of giving these tasks. I'm having a hard time letting it go.
It feels so unfair because I recently had my last conversation with them where I gently corrected some problematic language they used around race. They responded with a social media post that misrepresents our conversation in a way to bolster their problematic language use and gather in sympathy.
I feel like this person has no integrity and they're gaslighting me with their post. It leaves me feeling livid. For them to succeed at something I was trying to do myself, and I failed, feels unjust.
Which is why I have insomnia tonight.
Well, all that and I feel ashamed of feeling this way. I feel like I'm not doing my yoga to be so angry at this person I seeing as having bad integrity getting chosen over me. It makes me feel selfish and petty.
I've been punished on multiple occasions for my "competitiveness", and this feels like the same energy. If I can't let go of this I'm a problem.
At therapy I said I was going to try and keep in mind times when it feels like I'm not fitting in. This feels like that to since I've tried for years with this peer to have a mutually supportive connection. Times like this I tend to feel like I'm the bad one.
In reality, times when I don't fit in have been times when when the group (e.g., my family) or the person, is toxic.