Freedom as a Practice
I shared a quote from Angela Davis' book Freedom is a Constant Struggle today, party of a project I started the first to highlight the voice of a Black artist, activist, etc. In some posts I'm sharing a familiar person with a less familiar quote. I'm slowly growing a list of resources as well to share with students.
I often remind students and myself there's a reason we call what we do with yoga a practice. It's what we're always doing, there's no end point, there's only the doing. It's why the first word of the Yoga Sutras is "now".
Eradicating racism, staying healthy in a COVID world, these aren't tasks we check if they list and move on. They're a practice we all need to take on, together. We must keep doing them.
It's this willingness to keep doing hard work for the good of others, indefinitely, that's they problem. How do you teach this to someone who doesn't agree that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?
Irritation
I’m tired and my pain has been higher, tonight everything feels too irritating to do for more than a moment. Reading. Standing. Playing my game.
Usually I can push through being tired and in pain and do the dishes. Folding laundry is a soothing task usually, good to ground me at bedtime. Tonight I want to throw things, only it’s too much effort.
My pain has slowly improved, but tonight I’m exhausted by it and feel pathetic, mostly worthless. I know logically this isn’t true, but increased physical pain exacerbates mental pain and hater I am tonight.
Tomorrow I’m teaching art online again despite feeling uncertain.
Growth Opportunity
I find myself in the role of helping white Boomer women understand they cannot help but be racist sometimes. We are steeped in hundreds of years of it, living in a country built in it. Oregon itself was founded as a white paradise with laws in place prohibiting Black people from settling here.
I find it a little astonishing to be here. Teaching my Mother's peers how to be better than she was willing to be. Six years ago I'd never have imagined this.
Grateful my back isn't hurting as much today. I took a nap when I realized that I was feeling down on myself and worthless, plus unable to even concentrate on a video game!
Grocery shopping manages to be tedious still, trying to get what you want all in over go is nearly impossible. Learning to make do and be creative anchor meals now and more.
When
I shared a question posed by James Baldwin in 1989, "You always told me ‘It takes time.’ It’s taken my father’s time, my mother’s time, my uncle’s time, my brothers’ and my sisters’ time. How much time do you want for your progress?"
And people ask why the protests are angry.
My back pain has been high the past two days. I called my PT and made an appointment. There's a list of pandemic protocols to follow, not surprising at all.
My pain slowing me down didn't help with my mood. I get so frustrated by being unable to get more done. Feeling like I'm getting caught up on the house helped me with the anxiety about everything.
Telling
I went to the dentist and he cleaned my teeth toast and I didn't cry before, during, or after!
I got to practice telling a new care provider at the practice how my anxiety is heightened at the dentist due to intersection of multiple traumas. She was awesome about it and so was my young, less experienced dentist. Again.
It will never be easy revealing trauma history. I am learning that sharing it can be helpful. I'm really touched at the consistent patience I'm down. I never am made to feel like I'm overreacting.
Over 1000 people lay down on the Burnside Bridge this evening. I gave advice to a protestor on using a neti pot to help recovery from tear gas. Students asked me to facilitate a discussion on, essentially, how to be better white people.
What Next
The President all but declared martial law today. Peaceful protestors demanding justice, prayer groups, families, meet with tear gas and rubber bullets. Republicans are inciting violence against protesters.
Another unarmed Black man was killed in Louisville in the early hours of the morning. The National Guard fired on people breaking curfew. David McAtee was feeding people when he was killed.
I was feeling so wound up after doing some yoga therapy for CK that I just wasn’t feeling settled. I let myself sit and play my video game for a little while, Puck on my lap, until I feel tired.
We’re struggling with wanting to eat. I feel hungry now, past midnight, and I haven’t all day. CK is really finding it harder than usual. I’m learning to be creative with leftovers and frozen veggies. We still haven’t eaten out since March.
There’s still the pandemic, so we’re still isolating. Planning a third online art class for Saturday.
A friend’s roses are today’s photo. My goodness nature is so beautiful, it hurts in contrast to the racism.
I Can’t Breathe
The last words of another African American, George Floyd, as police officers were killing him.
The Mayor put out an 8pm curfew order in Portland to stop the protests against police violence. Around 7:30, thirty minutes ahead of curfew, police began using massive amounts of tear gas to kettle protestors at the river.
CK and I watched a reporter Livestream for a while until we couldn't bear watching people scream and run from cops in riot gear and walls of gas.
The CDC website notes that 1,264 people died from COVID19 in the past day.
I'm amazed I made more food for us today. Dinner 77 was pretty basic, but got the job done.
There is no photo for those post. I spent too many minutes trying to find something there isn't anything that feels appropriate at this time.
Worthy/Unworthy
Had a friend tell me today they had scheduled the whole day around a call with me.
They said something along the lines of, “Tell that to your sense of unworthiness!”
In response I felt good about for a short while but the rest of the night I kept catching myself in moments of self-loathing about my body, my ability to keep house, about past actions I regret.
I know it isn’t really me, it’s the trauma and the pandemic, but the work to keep reminding myself that I’m safe feels just exhausting today.
One Hundred Thousand and Counting
Today the Memorial Day reporting lull came to an end and the CDC officially reports 100,446 dead in the USA due to COVID19.
There have been yet more black people killed by police. I feel like there’s a new death almost daily from police violence.
Minneapolis is on fire in places, particularly Precinct 3 where the four officers involved with the killing were based at. A white police man knelt on the neck of a black man who then died, George Floyd was his name.
Tonight we wondered together of all summer there will be escalating riots, on both sides. I know where the police will stand, on the side of the right wing demanding to be served again, and it’s sickening.
I don’t even know how to hold it all.
I watered the plants. I recorded a video to send out Sunday. I feed us again.
I made art with George Floyd’s name and this terrible number. I ordered groceries to sustain two households. I rubbed CK’s feet to help her sleep, we’re both feeling very anxious. In the morning I’ll teach yoga.
So Tired
The CDC website doesn't yet report 100,000 deaths from COVID19, but that's only because numbers are taking time to come in after the Memorial Day weekend. We're already there.
We watched How to Survive a Plague tonight. It was both uplifting to see what the work of activists accomplished. Sad because as we're watching it the current time feel even worse than during the AIDS epidemic.
It reminded of the anger and grief I felt then. How much deeper, stronger, hotter both those emotions are right now. We're at a number of people dead in this country in a matter of months that took AIDS years.
I'm just exhausted by it all. I needed a nap today and yesterday, I'm reminding myself I went to therapy yesterday and it really sucks energy out of me. Trauma sessions are always intense and all the grief, anger, and fear right now, with the related exhaustion, is a normal response to these pandemic days.