Mother Act
Today's Therapy Hangover hasn't been as intense as prior weeks. I've been pretty worn out today and going to the market overwhelmed me a little. I'm grateful for easy dinner and time spent sitting on the patio playing a video game.
It's my first time going out in a county that's reopened and I wasn't prepared for the number of people without masks. The market I went to requires that customers wear them and staff do too, but there wasn't any requirement at the craft store, a Michael's, and I saw many people unmasked.
I'm still trying to get my head around my Mother leaving me home alone as a very small child. Trying to reconcile the mother act, the involved, protective mother with the truth about the mother I had when no one could see.
Cupcakes for Victory
I'm always behind the cool kids. It takes me ages, usually, to decide to follow a trend. Baking while sheltering on place is over of those tends. Today I made cupcakes.
They're not awesome, it wasn't a recipe I'd made several times before CK discovered she's gluten intolerant, so I can't really account for how the change of flour affected it. I'm trying another more familiar recipe later this week or next. My buttercream really did not come out well.
More students asked if I'd facilitate a discussion about the yoga of social justice. It honestly is so far out of my comfort zone, really into discomfort around correcting women my Mother's age. At the same time I recognize I'm being asked because I'm trusted.
It also is a powerful act I can take as a white woman to help educate older adults about dismantling racism. It's begging a better ally if I can be in this discomfort.
I Can’t Breathe
The last words of another African American, George Floyd, as police officers were killing him.
The Mayor put out an 8pm curfew order in Portland to stop the protests against police violence. Around 7:30, thirty minutes ahead of curfew, police began using massive amounts of tear gas to kettle protestors at the river.
CK and I watched a reporter Livestream for a while until we couldn't bear watching people scream and run from cops in riot gear and walls of gas.
The CDC website notes that 1,264 people died from COVID19 in the past day.
I'm amazed I made more food for us today. Dinner 77 was pretty basic, but got the job done.
There is no photo for those post. I spent too many minutes trying to find something there isn't anything that feels appropriate at this time.
One Hundred Thousand and Counting
Today the Memorial Day reporting lull came to an end and the CDC officially reports 100,446 dead in the USA due to COVID19.
There have been yet more black people killed by police. I feel like there’s a new death almost daily from police violence.
Minneapolis is on fire in places, particularly Precinct 3 where the four officers involved with the killing were based at. A white police man knelt on the neck of a black man who then died, George Floyd was his name.
Tonight we wondered together of all summer there will be escalating riots, on both sides. I know where the police will stand, on the side of the right wing demanding to be served again, and it’s sickening.
I don’t even know how to hold it all.
I watered the plants. I recorded a video to send out Sunday. I feed us again.
I made art with George Floyd’s name and this terrible number. I ordered groceries to sustain two households. I rubbed CK’s feet to help her sleep, we’re both feeling very anxious. In the morning I’ll teach yoga.
Masks as Political Statements
Despite not pushing myself, taking breaks, and trying to move mindfully while gardening yesterday, my pain level had been very high today. I was really grateful I took the day off and this morning CK and I played video games while moving slowly.
I got some lettuce and kale planted for us.
We talked about the horrible white woman in Central Park off and on. I'm feeling pretty disheartened between her and a friend sharing she was harassed for wearing a mask at her local market.
"Rural is angry.", she noted about it.
My head hurts, mostly allergy related, butt partly the day's accumulated anger. My heart hurts, how can so many people believe wearing a mask to be protective of others and self is a political statement.
But it's 2020 and here we are.
Gardening for Hope
I got another raised bed prepped today! Tomorrow I can plant some lettuce and kale starts CK has waiting.
We've been dealing with home repair issues too. Our washing machine needs a new cord. We've managed to diagnose the issue and next weekend will fix it. We got it running fine, we think part the problem is the outlet.
This simple stuff has been good to bring focus on what is most needed. Or top priority is our well-being.
"Us first."
We started saying this after getting my Mother out of our home and lives. She'd done her level best to undermine and destroy what we'd built together, but we're stronger.
That said, these pandemic days are far more frightening than family drama. This is saying something given what a horror show my family was.
We're at nearly 100,000 people dead of COVID19 in the USA.
Seventy Dinners
It wasn't grand or special. We didn't even have exactly the same thing, my entree was leftovers and CK had hot dogs cut up in baked beans, yes, beanie weenie. There were carrot sticks for a veg side. The fruit salad for dessert was the most labor intensive part of dinner.
It was tasty, filling, and nutritious enough. We both ate our seventieth dinner together, that's the most important part. We played games together at the dining room table then each of us on a computer game, but in the same room together.
While checking on the dogs out in our yard I admired the bees attending all of flowers blooming right now.
Unstable Days
Having a day where there isn’t much to say. Despite feeling sad, I managed to get quite a few tasks done for the house and make us a pretty tasty dinner all from scratch, aside from dry pasta.
Dinner #67
Perhaps I’ll do something special Saturday for dinner 70.
I’m sad about the pandemic and despairing for the state of my country. I’m daily enraged by accounts of white people refusing to wear masks for the greater good and of cops assaulting people of color who don’t wear one while giving them out with smiles to whites people. I’m feel increasingly fearful and it isn’t misplaced.
Ninety Thousand
How is it that we're at the number and the protests are for people to be served?
I say that and I know the answer. The racism that has only seemed subtle because I am a white woman living in a state that had exclusion laws to make sure it stayed as white as possible for as long as possible. It isn't subtle anymore.
White people clamoring for life to "go back to normal" when what they really mean it's for them to go back to being served. Refusing to wear masks because the disease disproportionately affects black and brown people, and affects them in more ways, more seriously.
I'm so sick of American Exceptionalism.
There's no greater good. There's only my good for me and mine and those people who look and act like I do.
I feel so exhausted today, even after napping. Grateful that CK dropped our ballots off, that dinner was easy, and that I talked with friends today over Zoom and just texting. I'm grateful for our beloved companion animals even if they can be really tedious at times.
Housewife
The work of feeding us is my chore. It is a task that really brings CK a lot of stress and is one that it makes sense for me to take on. I usually enjoy this task, but I’m finding many times I’m so apathetic about food that it’s been challenging. This on top of the food fatigue CK experiences has made feeding us an adventure.
We stopped eating out. It has been deemed relatively safe to get take out, but we feel that's a point of potential exposure we’d rather not have. CK helps by being pretty accepting of whatever meal I manage. Sometimes we’re coaxing each other to eat.
Today I had 2 different types of Clif Bars because I couldn’t manage anything else for myself. CK did moderately better and by dinner I was up to cooking.
Many household tasks are my realm of influence. I’m the keeper of the hearth, a role that not only makes sense as I don’t have a “regular” job. I’m also teaching and finding ways to do my work, but housewife has become my rule more and more.
I’m surprised and pleased to discover this is a good role for me.