Hello August
My birthday month has begun, I’ll be 51 towards the end of the month. A number that feels weird, I never thought about being this age. Part of me just couldn’t visualize it, perhaps even doubted I’d live this long.
I’m planning some days off, maybe we’ll even drive to the beach on one of those days. Maybe we’ll just have a picnic in the yard.
Given that we’re back to 1000+ deaths a day from COVID-19, we might not want to chance driving far.
We’ve already wondered once or twice if this will be the year no one comes for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Meanwhile the ghouls running the country continue to try and destroy healthcare and the postal service because people need to vote by mail.
I’m grateful for more carrots and cucumbers from our garden. Especially carrots that look like they desperately need the loo.
Friends Outside
Today I dropped off yoga props with friends and two shops. Seven stops total. Getting straps, eye pillows, and a mat to friends felt good. I picked up specialty and bulky items, then dropped them off.
Got home and jumped right into dinner, granted it mostly consisted of making peanut sauce, but still! I went all out today.
At a few stops I hung out with folks outside for a little bit. It was good to see people, although it's still hard to hold back. I wore a mask the whole time. I'm glad I have more to use now!
It was tiring, perhaps 1 less stop next time! I also got something awesome in the mail today! These times are so strange and hard, I'm grateful for all the good moments!
What’s On My List?
Today was Trauma Therapy Tuesday and I shared my realization about the discussion I'm having internally, somatically every night (yesterday's post). I was explaining that adding the 1b) option that reminds me that I'm always allowed to rest, the idea that I need to have accomplished enough to rest is the wrong idea!
My therapist agreed this was interesting, and that calling myself on the wrong thinking of needing to earn my rest is good. Then she blew my mind by asking me, "Is sleep on your list?"
My jaw dropped for a moment, totally giving away the fact that it wasn't even remotely near my list of things I need to do each day.
She's suggested that my list needs to start with sleeping, resting well, then feeding myself, then meditation. Those things always on the list first, and only meditation if I'm feeling like I'm rested and it will do me well. She asked if these were on the list, especially the first two.
"What's first on your list?", she asked.
"Feeding CK. Then feeding the creatures." I also conceded that this has caused many meals where I don't actually have my main dish. I've been so focused on every other living being eating, that I forget myself.
I'm to work on my list.
Don’t Look Away
Tonight I head to bed grateful that more journalists after paying attention you what is happening here.
I was up until nearly 2am, unable to wind down.
I've had memories of protesting in the 90s brought up. So many memories of my terrible family. I was seen in TV in a news clip and took so much heat.
I'm grateful for a soccer game victory dance with Bertie
Lies from Invaders
The head of the Department of Homeland Security arrived uninvited in my city today. He says my city is under siege from anarchists.
He lies.
Local police continue to lie.
Federal cops are grabbing protestors off the street.
I’m so angry. I’m so afraid for my city. I the police defunded and demilitarized. I want the Feds out.
COVID dog checkup today. Sitting out in the car, waiting to hear.
How are people without cars supposed to do this?
The dogs are in excellent health. Bertie is an especially healthy English Bulldog, a poster dog. He let me stick borage flowers on his face. I’m so grateful.
Koans and Other Tools
I had a lot of moments of just staring off at nothing today.
I read something about American passports, which once were a guarantee of access, are nearly useless now. We're a plague state. I felt trapped here and was grateful when I shared this fear with CK that sure took me seriously.
I'm grateful for all the times she takes me seriously. I have been told so often that I'm overreacting or being too dramatic. All that was gaslighting, but I'm still so grateful when I'm not dismissed.
The federal cops are in Portland because the President sent them. Local cops hasn't already sufficiently brutalized there population.
I thought about the koan about chopping wood and carrying water. Before and after enlightenment, same thing.
Chop wood, carry water.
Making meals, folding laundry, pulling weeds, washing dishes. Just do the tasks that need doing.
Digging Out
The past couple of days we've been cutting overgrown shrubs and cleaning off the patio. We're slowly making progress on tasks that we've been stuck on. It feels good energetically even if my body hurts.
Dinner was a flop. We were able to discuss what didn't work and that feels like success. In part a mismatch of my really simple desire tonight, something that could be fixed with a better sauce, peanut sauce at that!
Floats are open!! Have been since June 20th, but I only just thought to check. I was even able to get one right after therapy tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to the float so much, my body really could use it!
Reclaiming
Today I raked off the patio and began trimming the first of our several Japanese Maples. There's still debris to bag up, especially since CK also began trimming some of our shrubs, but it already is a huge improvement.
This year I'm reclaiming the pond from the grass. I wish I could make all the grass go away for the most part, but especially the grass near the pond!
While we were outside doing all that I was getting texts from AF asking if we needed groceries and telling me that donuts were coming unless I replied back, "No!". Since I was raking and cutting things, I left me phone on the table, ignored. By the time I saw it, I only needed to open the front door and there were surprise donuts!
I realized that I heard very few explosions this evening, none for the past 45 minutes or more (it is just now midnight), and I'm really grateful.
Shopping is Exhausting
I went to WinCo for the first time since March today and I'll need to go back soon to pick up a special bulk order. It was busy, but masks are required now so it made it a little less stressful. No one was without one and people kept distance fairly well.
I was dismayed to see carts filled with party supplies. What is there to celebrate and why aren't people staying home!? That and the folks waiting until they last possible moment to put on mask and pulling it off right away.
I felt grumpy the rest of the day, still feeling that way.
Goodbye June
This month. What the fuck.
Yesterday CK found out some deeply troubling news about someone who'd once been a roommate and close friend. She's trying to process it, but it is a case where there is no answer that makes sense.
There are some things humans do that are incomprehensible to those of us who live our lives from compassion, curiosity, and ethics driven from our belief in the interconnectedness of all beings.
I'm glad it's over. Not that July can't bring awful things, but at least we're now halfway through this terrible year.
I'm grateful for baby carrots eaten from the garden. Thinning out the planting is tasty at this stage.