Staggering Grief
I did a short session today for my friend who has been sick with COVID since January 12. Running a fever every day, a little bit. Quarantined in the bedroom, her husband has been sleeping on the sofa this whole time.
She's told me, "I'm too sick to do anything or be around anyone, but not so sick I get additional support."
Last night her husband held her legs, both of them masked, while she cried. It's as choose as he dare gets.
We talked honestly about the trauma she is enduring. She cried some when I told her that her life will be permanently changed by this. Even if her body recovers 100%, the emotional effects will need to be integrated.
She tries hard to let people distract her with news. It's too hard to be present to what's happened.
I told her as little bit about what I've been learning about Long COVID, no one has told her anything at all. I explained why yoga can help.
We did a tiny bit of breath work. My experience with folks with COPD helped me pick an approach right off that was accessible and helpful. She's coughed for so long now that breathing hurts because her muscles are exhausted from the spasms of coughing.
I'm going to put together a package with a yoga strap to send her. We're going to do 2-3 thirty minute sessions a week. Short because she's so quickly exhausted by everything.
Later today she's posted a video update sharing a little of how she's doing and mentioned that the breath practice helped.
After that I spent a little time painting and sat on the deck with Ursa and the dogs. We had an impromptu Zoom happy hour and saw friends. I'm glad I had all that to support me since I'm feeling a lot of grief about the world.
Teach Where You’re At
Last night I unexpectedly got a chance to teach yoga to people in person and it was really a great mood lifter!
I was doing our traditional Thanksgiving week late night grocery trip. This year CK stayed at home, she's only left the house 4 times since March.
I was complimented on how well the folks at the checkout could hear me through my MegaMask combo of a respirator-style mask with protection against aerosols and a cloth mask to filter my exhalations.
I commented that I'm, "Professionally loud!". I explained that as a yoga therapist who works with older adults, many of whom are low hearing, I strive to speak loudly and clearly.
The younger of the two commented that they had wanted to try yoga but were too worried about their back. I said that back's are a specialty because of my personal journey.
Then I taught the two folks helping me how to do "ledge dog", which is a downward facing dog using whatever sturdy ledge is at hand. In this case the checkout stand! Soon I had FOUR people doing it together and groans of relief were heard.
I passed out cards, told folks to sign up online for free videos.
Truly, a joy. The first in-person yoga I've taught since March.
The MegaMask is my featured image. It's a 3M respirator with filters for aerosols, this is what I also use when we have terrible smoke from forest fires. Over it I modified a very basic cloth mask from Athleta. It's been stitched along the bottom to help tighten it up around the 3M mask exhaust vent. This edge is then further taped down to ensure that my exhalation is filtered through a cloth mask. While I'm not ill, this signals to folks that this is what we all do when we care about each other.
Goodbye Yoga Props
When I got my teaching certificate I had a dream of becoming a "yoga studio on demand". I could show up anywhere within driving distance and set up a class with props for 10.
After leaving tech I expanded my inventory. I made a capital investment to purchase bolsters, two types, and more straps. More I could offer Restorative Yoga anywhere.
For a while it was great. I rented dance studios and made them yoga studios for small classes. When those dwindled to the point I was paying to put them on and no one would show up, I stopped.
They props lived in the van, four large Rubbermaid cases and one big suitcase to hold them all, until we needed it. Then they moved to the garage.
Now there's COVID. I won't be teaching in person anywhere for a long time. The props were taking up space now.
Today I sold them a huge discount to the Om Thrive Foundation. The Foundation supports survivors of domestic violence and was created by an amazing Black woman, Day Bibb. The bolsters, blocks, and blankets will be packaged up to be delivered to participants in the program.
I was so happy dropping them off today that I nearly cried.
Getting straps, which can be triggering to domestic abuse survivors (I absolute get this), to students and friends. Ditto for mats.
Freedom
Some things my students named this morning when I asked them to share what freedom meant to them:
- Choices
- Love
- Inclusive/Including & Responsibility
- Movement
- Breathe
- Good sense to live a life of service to others
- Lightness, ease, & abundance
I then asked them to notice how related all these things are. Then we considered how each thing on the list is not a fixed point.
If we stop attending to our abundance we no longer have abundance.
In this way we began to unpack the wise words of Angela Davis, that freedom is a constant struggle.
I spent much of the rest of the day trying not to feel enraged at every shriek of group laughter from the neighbor's. It's 01:05 and I just heard another firework.
I loathe the Fourth of July with a passion this year especially.
Hello July
Today some trash and yard debris that's been sitting over a year was finally picked up and hauled away. I did a bunch of raking with the small crew to get it done, and I'll be feeling it, but it felt good to be part.
I released a patch set today in the soccer fan group I'm in. It's also something I've been working on for over a year and finally got it out there.
I found a really good home for the majority of my yoga props. I'll still need to deal with straps, which students will claim, and mats, which will be donated. The bolsters, blocks and blankets are going to a yoga foundation, run by an amazing Black woman, that supports people who've experienced domestic violence.
It's been a good day even if I'm up too late again!
Freedom as Practice
With the Fourth of July just around the corner I've been pondering freedom. Not only what it means, but how it is a "constant struggle", as Angela Davis wrote.
This makes me think of the ways in which I remind students and myself that yoga is a practice, something we're always doing. The goal of our practice is often liberation, freedom from suffering, from the wheel of rebirth.
Trying to determine what, if anything is to be done about my peer who’s integrity I now question. Pandemic Days bring clarity!
Gratitude
After ending yesterday feeling so frustrated by these times, tonight I'm trying to focus on gratitude. Here are things that brought me happiness today: the connection with students this morning, playing games with my wife, talking with friends online together, and making dinner number 63.
A dear friend bringing us fresh fruit and sweets, which was especially lovely.
When I guide people in exploring the Self of Bliss in yoga (anandamaya kosha) I'll have them reflect on connections they have with other living beings. Specifically the connections where were feel seen and appreciated, just as we are.
That's how fruit and sweets delivery felt today, dwelling in the Body of Bliss.
There were also these roses today.
Both And
I’m finding that many of my students are welcoming learning more yoga philosophy, more yoga during these times. I realized how I could teach concepts of non-dual awareness based right in the emotions people are having.
Someone shared feeling guilty for feeling bad about missing things and the anxiety they had. They have so much to be grateful for, they shouldn’t feel bad. They could be so more worse, they are being selfish when others are experiencing much more danger.
I reminded them it doesn’t work like that. Feeling anxious about the pandemic doesn’t cancel out your gratitude. Likewise, your gratitude doesn’t make you unable to hold compassion for others.
It isn’t either gratitude or anxiety. Nor is it compassion or gratitude. We don’t have to buy into this binary, dualistic model. The world doesn’t work that way, even if many philosophies have tried to push for this.
Yoga reminds us that life isn’t a series of either/or scenarios, it is both/and. Gratitude, compassion, anxiety, and everything else.
We’re back to Whitman again, “Do I contradict myself?”
Welcome 2016
So far the New Year has brought sleeping dogs, which is a big improvement since Bertie the Bulldog arrived in June unexpectedly.
First Nap of 2016 - January 1, 2016 - Portland, Oregon
Snow, at least for a few hours. Long enough for a two+ mile walk to, and around a nearby park.
Bertie's first experience with snow was pretty awesome. He particularly likes snowballs.
Soon after we got home from that walk the freezing rain started, leaving us with old Portland folks might call a Silver Thaw. It inspired this first poem of the New Year:
Ice envelops all.
Winter’s chill embrace lingers.
Swaying trees murmur.
Thankfully, by the time I needed to teach my first class of the year, I was able to safely drive. My current schedule of classes around the Portland Metro area can be found on the Samatha Yoga site.
I will be heading back up to Plain, Washington, later in the month to attend a contemplative retreat lead by my teacher. It will be truly snowy; I'm looking forward to photographing the beautiful Grunewald Guild in the winter. Having already photographed summer and autumn, I'll have to think about a trip in the spring to complete a year of seasons!
Before I leave for the Guild, I'll hopefully pick up new glasses. My distance vision hasn't change that much, but my reading vision is showing my age even if I do still get carded once in a while. I've found frames, apparently made by an Italian designer who has Sir Elton John among their customers. This time the eye doctor, in discussing what they call my "photophobic eyes" (so nice to feel like I'm not making up my light sensitivity for the sake of melodrama), is suggesting a rose tint instead of yellow. That as well as a coating to filter out blue and UV. Should be much more soothing. I'm amused that I will indeed be wearing "rose colored glasses" when they're ready!
2016 will bring more teaching, new yoga classes and workshops in the works! I'll be working on my certification in Integrated Movement Therapy and my goal is to be done by the end of this year! I'm excited to continue to learn and grow into my path as a healer and teacher. I'm also hoping to attend the Northwest Yoga Conference in early March.
Some fun stuff too, as well as the intention for CK and I to do more fun adventures together. In May we'll be in Los Angeles to see The Cure at the Hollywood Bowl, which is pretty exciting. Discussing making it a road trip, camping in the van along our way south.
2015 ended with the news of my Mother's death. I'm not yet ready to write about it publicly. Not too surprisingly, she used even this to find a way to hurt and exclude me.
The Body That Practices
I finally brought my notes together into a rough draft of the workshop on Metta Yoga, "Union with Loving-Kindness". I've been thinking about this for so long and tonight a question from a Dharma Sister wondering if I'd set a date in a few weeks reminded me I needed to not loose focus. I'd brought up to Hogen that I was deeply committed to teaching this workshop, that I see it is so necessary to cultivate love and compassion for the body that practices.
Once I started writing down times and what practice went where I was surprised at how quickly I brought it together. A morning introducing Metta practice before moving into Asana to warm the body and open the hips before resting. Sharing lunch, including some time to just eat, perhaps even 10 minutes of silent eating before people talk. Then gather people back together for discussion about the body, how we view it, how we compare it, and how we stop that cycle in favor of cultivating gratitude and compassion for it. Deep focus on Pranayama after discussion before moving into another hour of Asana practice to open the heart and focus the mind. Time to practice Metta during meditation and then ending in full Savasana.
There it was, a full day of yoga built around Loving-Kindness practice, cultivating love for our body. A part of me feels like a big fake. I have a lot of days where I rush to put my clothes on, even more disappointed with my body after weight loss than I was when I weighed 290 pounds! I certainly have times when I feel entirely unqualified to teach anything and no one wants to hear about my experiences.
And then I'm brought back to center. I become present to my body, that which supports me even on days like today when I don't feel very good. I've become better at recognizing when I need to rely upon the loving support and encouragement from CK, my friends, my Dharma family, and even my Mom. These people are all my Sangha, the good company of people seeking the Way. Like falling backwards into the thousand arms of Avalokiteśvara, I let myself feel the support of all of those hands of my Sangha and through that find belief in the truth they see in me in those moments I am unable to see it myself.
I am grateful for the belief of my Sangha and for my body which supports my practice, the Sagha of me.