Goodbye June
This month. What the fuck.
Yesterday CK found out some deeply troubling news about someone who'd once been a roommate and close friend. She's trying to process it, but it is a case where there is no answer that makes sense.
There are some things humans do that are incomprehensible to those of us who live our lives from compassion, curiosity, and ethics driven from our belief in the interconnectedness of all beings.
I'm glad it's over. Not that July can't bring awful things, but at least we're now halfway through this terrible year.
I'm grateful for baby carrots eaten from the garden. Thinning out the planting is tasty at this stage.
Everybody Mask
Statewide mandate came out today that everyone, everywhere across Oregon must wear masks. There's a lot of anger. I'm sure there must be others, like us, who are relived.
Saw my doctor online today. We backed off the plan to begin tapering off my antidepressant medication. 2020 is not the year to change that since I'm having days where it feels physically difficult to move.
Aside from bouts of depression and anxiety in response to the times were living in, my mental health feels better. My health is better than it has been in a long while; sheltering in place has curative powers.
Cleaning Up
Today began when Obie woke me up at 6:14. That was after a chilly night because I’d discovered our elder dog had peed on our bed and stripped off all the blankets at 2:20.
I got a lot of chores done today after yesterday’s gardening efforts. I have many moments where I feel like such a failure when it comes to the house. We’re getting better, but it still feels terrible sometimes and I really dislike not being able to physically push myself to go all out.
There’s Sunday lull in the death rate from COVID, only 504 since Saturday. We’re well over 125,000 people who have died, over 2.5 million infected, and so many Republicans are still fighting to get get rid of the Affordable Care Act.
Digging In
Today we gardened much of the afternoon. I'm really hurting, I should have stopped sooner, but it felt good to work together. I took a very long, hot bath.
Our neighbors had a house party complete with a food truck parked outside the house, amplified music, and letters on there lawn spelling out "Mazel Tov..."
Lots of cars. They wrapped up before 11pm. The music was loud but not overbearing.
I found myself telling CK to, "Avoid the corner house!"
What a time we live in when I'm concerned that a house party will lead to an outbreak in our neighborhood.
Common Good
I ventured out to find a propane tank exchange today after running out Wednesday. I ended up at the local Lowe’s.
After paying inside, where I was relieved to see people wearing masks and adhering to Governor Kate Brown’s mandate, I picked up my 2 tanks and headed to our car.
Some middle-aged, beefy, white men had parked an enormous pickup truck next to me. Seeing me with my mask on, the driver of the truck said this loudly while staring at me.
“Let me grab a mask. We're in one of those counties where that bitch says we have to wear 'em."
I found myself wanting to scream at them about the casual misogyny and blatant disregard for other people. I didn’t have the resources left to do anything other than take care to get home safely.
Freedom as Practice
With the Fourth of July just around the corner I've been pondering freedom. Not only what it means, but how it is a "constant struggle", as Angela Davis wrote.
This makes me think of the ways in which I remind students and myself that yoga is a practice, something we're always doing. The goal of our practice is often liberation, freedom from suffering, from the wheel of rebirth.
Trying to determine what, if anything is to be done about my peer who’s integrity I now question. Pandemic Days bring clarity!
A Happy Day
CK turned 40 today. She had a really good day and I'm feeling good about my part in making that happen.
She once mentioned treasure hunts, so I hid gifts around the house at different times of day. Starting with a cool card stashed by her glasses late last night that she found first thing when she got up!
I made another by-request dinner. We had a cake from a special bakery that supports people with brain injuries. We just hung out today, she did whatever she felt like. We had some friends come by an online hangout too.
I'm really grateful we managed a happy day given how truly hard the world is right now.
Incremental Progress
Teaching was slightly earlier today. Trying to work on things. My brain functions in fits and starts, I get a a few emails answered and then I go to therapy and I'm done for a day or two.
This memory from age 4 isn't quite ready to integrate. Some details slipped in again today, one sad thing that provided more insight into my lifelong insomnia. Another glimpse of me in the woods, alone, soothing myself. I was tremendously resourceful and resilient as a child.
I still am.
Today I made the first of a few special dinners for CK's birthday tomorrow. Something light and cool for the very summery, hot day we had. I shared her birthday wish with folks on Facebook and one of her college friends immediately got in touch.
Heavy
I realized that I often am experiencing my depression as a somatic effect. Not surprising, given how much I do that with other emotions. It wasn't safe for me to express a range of emotions in my family.
Yesterday I felt so down that it felt physically difficult, even painful to move my body. Trying to focus to make art left me wanting to cry and I had to give up on doing all the dishes. I felt so useless.
Today I taught a subdued class, no kirtan. I made us each chili and a fresh fruit crisp with all the over ripe produce! All that helped, I feel more grounded even if its almost 1am.
I stayed up to do the dishes and take a hot shower. Lost power as I was soaping, conditioner in my hair! Total darkness and shower for a disconcerting moment. It came back on quickly, thank goodness, but off long enough to reset the dishwasher and a free clocks.
How Low Can We Go?
I gave up my streak yesterday. I'd had a long run of unbroken posts but yesterday I was just too tired, too miserable, and couldnk make myself do one more thing that felt like a task.
Nearly 120,000 people have died from COVID19 and police continue to kill Black people.
I keep hoping to hear Puck's giant feet clacking on the hardwood floors.