Voting and Other Acts of Self Care
Smoke cleared and just as my allergies recovered from that, Autumn arrived with its associated increase in mold allergens and all the tress are dropping leaves. I've had something of a permanent headache for several days to go with my increased sneezing.
Despite being exhausted, I've not been getting to be until nearly 1am most nights. I developed night owl tendencies in early childhood and they reassert dominance in my life pretty quickly and I've never been able to become an "early bird" kind of person.
I feel conflicted about napping during the day. The small, more legitimate concern, is that I'll throw off my ability to go to sleep later. The inaccurate, but larger worry is that I'm not getting enough done.
There's a long list of yard things that need doing. There's a long list of home repairs. There's the task of sorting and reducing stuff. There's paperwork to follow up on. There's stuff to mail out. There's day-to-day chores to keep the house pleasant. There's overdue chores we can't quite seem to get to.
All of that hangs there and I feel like I'm a terrible person for needing so much rest. Then it all burbles up at 2300 and I try to think of how many chores I can get done before my brain allows me to go to bed.
Which is why I finally took a nap for much of the afternoon. My headache felt better. The feeling of crushing dread was slightly reduced by laying under the weighted blanket for a couple of hours. I made us school lunch dinner with salads and homemade lemon tahini salad dressing, that was the fancy bit.
This meant I had the energy to sit down with CK tonight and vote. I love that we really sit down together and raise questions together, go read things and make sure we understand them together. She's even been making an estimate on the potential financial impact of any property tax related measures. I'll go drop them off in person tomorrow, despite it being early enough to mail them in.
Holding Space
This morning, when I asked my yoga class if anyone had a gratitude or a celebration to share, a student responded, "I have a sadness to share."
She then shared that she's not seen her granddaughter since last Thanksgiving. She is coming to realize that she will be alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.
I offered to set up times for my students to use Zoom, and facilitate, a discussion about "Reimagining the Holidays". People can share ideas on how to still have meaningful connection, particularly with winter coming.
More importantly, I'm going to start holding a Yoga for Grief session. Not sure if this will be monthly or bi-monthly, but it's apparent there is a need for this. I have been sending people to my teacher, who's been offering work on grief for a while now, but this is one of those times where I finally realize that my students want me to hold the space for them. They know me, they are more comfortable being in these vulnerable places with me.
It was hard this morning, then regrouping everyone back to Yoga in Chairs. I realize how much of what I do is holding space. More and more, the biggest part of my work is holding the space and making it safe for people to be vulnerable together.
In semi-related news, my voice is still mostly gone and I couldn't lead chanting today. I must remember to only scream cathartically for a minute or two, not five. No matter how good it feels.
It occurs to me that "a good scream" is my version of "having a good cry". Crying ends up with me so congested I can't breath and my head is pounding. It never feels like a good release. That's even without getting into all the assorted trauma I have around being punished for crying.
However, a good scream, that I can get behind! It really does feel cathartic and cleansing. I just need to find a way to do it without losing my voice since I really need it for the holding space thing!
Comic tomorrow, forgot to photograph it again.
Lost Voice
All day today my voice has been hoarse and faint. I worried a little.
Whole having a long soak with epsom salt I recalled indulging my desire to scream while driving home from a the local shop.
It started because of a policy at the shop to increase security against burglary that decreases health safety.
That first scream about all of it, COVID, the ghoulish mismanagement of the pandemic, Black Lives Matter, white terrorist militia, the mayoral race here, the presidential election, and feeling hopeless about the election changing anything...
The first scream of rage and grief felt so good I let out several more on the way home. Mostly incoherent screaming, a few rounds of screaming, "NO!", and swearing.
It felt good and didn't hurt at all. I came in, made tasty dinner, and watched TV with CK.
Today my voice is shot. At least it isn't a virus!
Social
Today CK and I had a short visit with friends and a slightly longer visit with our friend who is fostering kittens. It was the first time CK has left the house to see people socially since March.
She is also smitten with the kittens. She feels it's hard to resist getting two tabby brothers, but we'll stick with the one that already flopped on me.
Amidst all the sadness and anger, I'm grateful for a sunny afternoon with kittens.
Making Time
Today a friend reached out to share the news that her Father had died. It wasn't expected news, but as he's been having a series of health issues for several months, and he was in his 90s, it isn't entirely unexpected.
The thing about loss is that it doesn't matter if it was expected or not, it's still grief. Our grief to integrate, or not.
I was grateful to have very little planned today that couldn't be done later. This meant I was available for a phone call. Then after completing the short errand I'd planned, I was able to join my friend for a chestnut foraging trip over to SE Portland.
We all wore masks and I took our car. Our first stop, the planned stop, was a bust, but we got a tip from another friend and headed over near Laurelhurst Park where we all found several.
Before leaving CK started to tell me to give our friend an extra hug. Then grimaced, because COVID has made that not safe.
I recall working with someone during my internship, they had recently lost their husband of many years and I was offering gentle, passive yoga movement. At then end, as my hands rested over her shoulders lightly, she covered my hands with her own and said to me, "Grief craves touch."
As I talk with people about grief in these times I'm so struck by this loss of touch. It leaves me grateful to find ways to connect outside and socially distant, which at least answers some of the need of connection grief seems to want.
Safe to Feel
I received one of those compliments that leaves me bemused and wondering.
In yoga class today we acknowledged the anger, the rage we’re feeling. I stressed that anger is a valid response to an unjust world. I shared what I learned about anger from acupuncture; it’s the energy of spring, the power of the shot to break the shell of the seed.
We acknowledged the way women are taught to stuff down our rage lest we be labeled, “an angry woman”. How much shame comes up around anger.
I was humbled to hear that they are so grateful I have created a safe space for them to feel and express their anger!
I’m someone who feels fearful and ashamed of my anger, but I’m trying to embrace it now. I’m learning to pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.
Obie made a guest appearance today. He’s been very social and extra hungry today.
Ballots Ho!
Our ballots arrived in the mail today. We plan to fill them out and turn them in this weekend.
Thinking about the election riles up my anxiety.
We coming to terms with Thanksgiving in isolation. Back in March I think I had some hope that we'd all celebrate together by late. By June I'd lost that hope, but it's sinking in now that it's only weeks out.
Our big hope now is finding pumpkin pie we can each eat. Separate pies. I'm still sad that Back to Eden Bakery is gone due to COVID. So many delicious Thanksgiving celebrations with pies from them.
More napping today. Therapy, stayed up way too late and the bulldog needed a 2am potty.
More Mindfulness, Less Vigilance
A student and friend said something in this morning's yoga class that is so perfect! I felt grateful to receive this teaching from my student and at the same time proud that my own teaching to her comes through this way!
We were talking about the anxiety of everyday living now with COVID and the election looming in 3 weeks. I suggested there was a yoga tool, starting with an "m", that helps when I'm anxious.
Mindfulness was quickly hit upon. This is when my student talked about the energy of vigilance, how we have to be vigilant all the time now and it's exhausting. She went on to say that mindfulness is less exhausting, energetically speaking, and she was going to strive to be less vigilant and work on staying mindful instead.
What a gift! It certainly gave me an extra boost of energy to go to therapy today. CK's homemade chai with freshly foamed milk also was a good treat to have with me.
I shared the incidents while shopping. We talked through why it's coming up; it's the next memory to get integrated, times are really anxiety inducing right now, the pressure of my glasses and the mask loops on the ears, while slight and have been fine until now, might be just overloading my ability to ignore it. We talked through how to manage it; #1 don't assume it will happen every time as that will make it more likely to happen, go to stores with a clear plan in and out, stick with the plan, try other styles of masks, considering having my glasses adjusted (my optometry place is awesome and they know I have a trauma history so needing an adjustment because my glasses are triggering, they'll be down with fixing!).
I'm also continuing to meet that 6-nearly-7-year-old energy with assurances that I'm paying attention and I'm coming for her.
I made more progress integrating the memory from age 5. I'm able to witness it now, rather than be caught in it. I also gained some insight into how resilient I was, still am, but I'm amazed that the tools I'd figured out by age 5 to keep myself safe.
Civil Discourse
I returned to Costco today for another weighted blanket for CK, one for a friend, and a new electric blanket for the bed. I had the same head pain and feeling anxious. I wore a slightly less heavy mask, but it was still there. I think my glasses mildly contribute to the sensation, where the ear pieces press.
I joined the podcast discussion group where I made dinner and had an outburst over someone using the phrase "civil discourse".
I feel like it's a tool of white supremacy, at worst, and tone policing at best. Who defines "civil"? I noted that there's some topics that there's no "agree to disagree", which is a hallmark of a civil discourse.
Then I spent the rest of the night feeling bad about it. And cleaned the kitchen.
Less Grumpy, Wide Awake
Despite waking up around 3 with CK was paged, 4 to go pee & feed Obie who was hungry, then Bertie again needed to go out to go to the bathroom just past 6am, I slept in until 9:45 and was less grumpy today.
I have been trying to get too many things done before I sleep. Which is just so par for the course these days. One of those do be done things was a hot shower, so that's some quality self-care.
I get stuck doing too much in part because I want to wake up to things being done, feeling like I managed to make a difference.
I made up soup for us with dry, possibly a little old, Flageolet beans and kale. I got fancy and made a parsley pistou, but it wasn't just right because I tried the Vitamix instead of the food processor. I ended up just stirring it right into the finished soup, which tasted great; a big burst of bright, green, herb flavor with the olive oil finish.
My soup making recently has restocked the freezer, in the event I'm sick or just don't feel like cooking.